Fall is not the best time of the year.

The air is dry, the ground is full of leaves hiding caterpillars and creatures waiting to latch onto your shoes and kill you with fright when you discover them, and the weather is about as uncertain and shy as an annoying schoolgirl lead in a soap opera, so yes, Jinyoung kind of hates fall.

But certainly not as much as he hates-…

“Can you guys stop that,” he snaps from behind a burgundy cushion on the sofa, and Junghwan detaches himself from Sunwoo where they’re reclining on the opposite couch with an obscene pop sound, and looks around, both ruffled and amused.

“I thought you were enjoying it,” he says with a cheerful smile, the innocence glaring about as bright as his swollen red lips and uneven bangs, and Jinyoung mutters angry swear words under his breath, sinking further down behind the cushion in a slouch that provokes a screechy voice that sounds a lot like Dongwoo’s to blare in his mind about posture and telescoping spinal discs, but he chooses to ignore that now over more pressing matters at hand.

Over the week, he’d managed to convince about everyone in the Hole that Call of Duty: Ghosts was a failed investment like half the reviewers had predicted when the game release was announced (and it wasn’t just the texture packs, Dongwoo had exasperatedly said, it was the entire franchise in general) and with the heavy blow to his faith in whatever first-person shooters there were that might exist in the virtual world, he’d retreated to the only thing a desperate soul could rely on for reassurance.

“!” he slaps the edge of the couch, kicking in frustration. “They have to nerf the PVP in Maple or I’ll go crazy, I swear, against Evans nothing stands a chance.”

“Why are you even using that account, then?” Sunwoo rolls his eyes from where he’s precariously balancing Junghwan on his lap, as if someone in his position had the right to roll his eyes at anyone. “I thought you had one for every type.”

“How else am I supposed to train them then?” Jinyoung complains, reluctantly dropping out of the battle. “Killing the in game monsters gives crap experience and you guys never want to party quest.”

“Well if you’d drop MMORPGs and start playing actual games with us,” Junghwan says with plastic brightness, and Jinyoung gives him a look, and Junghwan drops it. “Look, if you’d just play Beyond Two Souls-…”

“I had enough of story-driven games after The Last of Us,” Jinyoung grumbles. “Besides, the developer’s an .”

“You say that like you aren’t.”

“Aren’t we all?”

“Probably, you’re just a bigger one,” Junghwan snickers, and returns to snogging Sunwoo on the couch while Jinyoung fumes silently behind his cushion.

It hadn’t been his idea to set up the Hole, in all honesty. In fact, Dongwoo was the one who suggested finding a nice central area where they could pool all their necessities (a.k.a. games) after they all got sick of travelling back and forth to each others’ houses to use the different consoles, and since his parent’s house was the most central, they’d set up a sort of game haven in the basement. (His parents didn’t mind, of course, if you can count not caring whatever concerned their son not minding). Not only did it help with the travelling time, Dongwoo insisted, it would help them start developing proper sleeping habits because they wouldn’t have their consoles at home. How this was a good idea, since Jinyoung had been a chronic insomniac since he was thirteen, he did not know, but like most else in his life he’d gone along with it. 

After that, at least.

Jinyoung bristles at the mention of the Thing and this quickly leads to the usual cycle of chiding himself, sinking into a depression at his fragility and then guilty, angry wonderings about life and its worth until he notices that both Junghwan and Sunwoo are giving him worried looks from their couch.
He still hasn’t quite gotten used to the concern since they’d found out about it a few months back (especially when a few months is close to nothing when you’re in college) so his eyes flick back to his own screen like they’d been burned, red rising in his face from the embarrassment, and it stays in that tense, conflicted silence until the door opens, shattering the atmosphere.

Immediately, a wave of relief washes over Jinyoung as Dongwoo steps in, waving a paper bag with something delicious smelling inside, and Junghwan half-leaps off Sunwoo to bound over to the source of food in the room, leaving a rather disgruntled looking boyfriend to trail behind reluctantly.

“Sit up straight,” Dongwoo greets him as he plops down next to him on the sofa, grabbing the remote on the way and turning the TV on with practiced ease, and Jinyoung snorts. Then Dongwoo glances over, properly this time.

“Something wrong?”

“No,” Jinyoung sinks lower, as the sound of Junghwan’s delighted crows at discovery of fried tempura onions fill the room. 

Dongwoo scrutinises him, and for a few moments it feels like a cheese grater is grinding uncomfortably against Jinyoung until Dongwoo sighs and slides an arm around Jinyoung’s shoulders, and Jinyoung leans into the curve of his neck, the action more natural than he (or anyone) should be comfortable with, but like mentioned previously, he goes along with it. It’s Dongwoo, after all.

After a long pause, Dongwoo speaks again, quieter this time, so it’s just audible over the sound of Junghwan’s elated crunching on the other side of the room.

“It’s not your fault it still bothers you.”

Jinyoung blinks. He’d been expecting an “it’s been three years” or a “she’s not worth this much, Jinyoung” but in spite of that he feels inexplicably grateful. 

“Thanks.”

Dongwoo snorts and flicks the remote once more (not before a “and don’t forget, term’s starting next week”, which Jinyoung replies with a groan, because Dongwoo can’t say anything without adding something amazingly mundane), till they reach a ridiculous Chinese kung fu movie, and somewhere from behind Junghwan and Sunwoo spontaneously break into a loud argument about the pros and cons of wasabi mayonnaise, and as usual Jinyoung suddenly finds it easier to forget.



If there’s somewhere he definitely can’t forget, though, it’s here.

Jinyoung would like to believe the claim that there was a giant leap of maturity between high school and college, really, he would, and to be honest it didn’t make itself hard to believe. At least they didn’t stuff insulting messages into his bag or scrawl in graffiti on his imaginary locker anymore. Now all they needed to do was cut out the staring and whispering and isolation, and he might almost feel normal.

He absently checks and rechecks his books, not really looking at them but just trying to look like he has purpose and importance here, and like always, he slips past the scrutiny for another morning. 

One morning down. Goodness knows how many to go.

Jinyoung’s just thinking of the supplementary engineering textbooks and whether or not he should’ve bought the guide when it was at a discount when he bumps roughly into someone else, sending both their books scattering.

There goes inconspicuous.

“Sorry,” he mumbles out as he kneels down, the sound of his own voice cursing himself drowning out the sound of the other party as he gathers his books, face burning with embarrassment at the thought of the faces of those around them, how they must be revelling in his suffering, stifling laughter at his clumsiness because of course, someone as terrible as him deserved this kind of punishment. The anger and shame that momentarily spikes within is enough to almost overwhelm him.

That is, of course, until he looks up to pass over a Math textbook and almost drops it on his toe.

When he was six, one of his grand uncles from Busan had come over for a visit with his family, and to hastily appease the overly friendly aura his parents had apparently been getting from his relatives, they’d invited everyone out for a day at the lovely swimming pool their country club membership boasted. It’d been great and Jinyoung was just starting to get over awkwardness with his cousins when his grand uncle, flabberghasted at the fact that his own flesh and blood had yet to learn how to swim, decided to pick him up and fling him into the deep end of the swimming pool. Smallish Jinyoung had flailed helplessly and landed starfish-style with a deafening crash on the surface of the pool, and the impact shocked every bit of oxygen out of his system, till he was curled up in a foetal shape, wide-eyed, even after they’d fished him out and laid him on the ground to dry.

A more apt description could not be used to describe how he felt now, enraptured by the stranger’s eyes.

“I’m so sorry!” Attractive Stranger continues to say as he stacks the textbooks in his arms, gorgeous eyes flicking up once to check the corridor behind Jinyoung worriedly, then the watch on his arm. “Oh thanks!” he plucks the book from Jinyoung’s frozen hand, eyes crinkling in a brief smile that seems to light up the surrounding atmosphere in a thousand pretty glowing lights and Jinyoung almost swears he can hear a chorus singing somewhere at that moment, but the moment passes and Attractive Stranger leaps back up and hurries on.

The thought that he might possibly be running because of who Jinyoung was is enough to slap him out of dreamland and force him to properly pick his books up and rush on for class, and he makes it just in time to slide pathetically into one of the seats at the back, drawing weird looks from the girl beside him, who inches over to her right, away from him.

As usual, Jinyoung trains his eyes on the screen in front and pretends not to notice.



Welcome to Runescape.

It’s close to midnight when Jinyoung logs in, hand resting on his chin as he realises, for once, that he doesn’t know what to do. He’d long finished the Halloween events and Christmas wasn’t coming up for some time, so there was really nothing to catch up on. He also didn’t exactly feel like making a big move on his main account, he still had to amass some resources and finish levelling up his character, which was something he didn’t really feel like doing, so instead of logging into his main account, he goes into one of the other ones.

The one he chooses is one of the accounts he’d set up much later, so to anyone he must have looked like a newbie at level 23, which probably explains why the following events happen as they do. He’s hauling in his kill of chickens from the farm near Lumbridge into Varrock to bank it before going over to the Cooks’ Guild to finish baking those meat pies when another player stops him. Jinyoung blinks when he rolls his mouse over the player and realises that he’s a level 96 player- higher level players usually didn’t bother with the lower level ones. He’s wondering if it’s a job offer to trade something for his chickens, when the speech bubble that pops up makes him frown.


serpent-slayer14 says: hey, wanna pq? :) 

Jinyoung’s still in confusion when he types back.

the-blind-side says: there is no party quest in this game :/ 


Jinyoung’s thrown into even greater confusion when the player promptly cuts off the conversation and heads off to someone else, a level 26 player, to ask the same question. The speech bubbles float above their heads, visible to all in this channel.


serpentslayer14 says: heyy you wanna pq? :)

archangelic says: oh sure okay! :) where do we go? I didn’t know there was pq in this game haha

serpentslayer14 says: haha just right click and press follow :) make sure you have enough resources and equipment too first. 


It’s then that it hits him, and he glares at the screen.

God, I hate people like you. 

There were always players on these games who couldn’t get enough out of the legal system and just had to find some way around it to make quick money and experience. It was bad enough when some tried to hoodwink new players into some sort of slave contract to harvest or provide resources for themselves to level up, but some went a step further and started cheating relatively new players into following them into places like the Wilderness, where player-vs-player combat was allowed, and killing them to gain experience and their items.

This prick.

Jinyoung makes up his mind relatively quick. Within seconds, after tapping on a couple of hot keys he’d designated himself, he logs out and then into his main account.

It was a regular thing with players to create a main account, usually their first or second ones, train them whilst exploring the game and getting the hang of it, then put it out to graze and train specialised characters. Jinyoung’s main character was a warrior- he’d never really been fond of stealing things or shooting arrows or standing from afar and casting shiny pretty spells, and it did benefit him in this area, so all the better. It takes him a few seconds to properly recall his password, though his username isn’t a problem. He’d created this not long after…after her.

With an ease that can only be afforded to one who’d been playing for a substantial amount of time, he retrieves a couple of runes from his bank account and teleports to Varrock with a spell before heading for the Wilderness. Previously mentioned pricks often like to hang around Varrock for this purpose- it’s full of newbies discovering the Grand Exchange, the main trading centre, for the first time, and it’s steps away from the Wilderness, so they make easy pickings and an efficient investment. Jinyoung feels a stab of fear that he might already be too late. But he assures himself that the player wouldn’t risk going too far in. There were worse things deeper in the Wilderness than a level 96 warrior, and Jinyoung knows that from experience. 

He finds them surprisingly fast- the supposed victim is already running back to the safety of Varrock with the other player hot on his heels. Usually they don’t make it this far. Jinyoung feels an odd swell of pride as he realises that the newbie must have been smart enough to realise that something was amiss once the PVP notification had popped up when they entered the Wilderness, and been ready to run from the start. However, smart or not, he’s down to less than a quarter health and won’t make it, especially if a couple of skeletons decide to show up and chew on him.

So with a strange sense of heroism Jinyoung had never felt before, he attacks the other player.

The battle lasts longer than Jinyoung thought it would. It occurs to him within the first few seconds that he isn’t prepared for battle- the equipment he had on was meant for resource gathering, not battling. But he didn’t level up to 146 for nothing, and glares at the screen as he continues to fight, using every technique he remembers. It’s clear after a minute or so that this other player isn’t used to PVP with any other high level character, and when he’s down to the last fraction of his health he makes several desperate attempts to run off towards the side, confusing Jinyoung once more until he sees the gaggle of skeletons leering from afar, and realises that the player is attempting to use the skeletons to try and distract him.

So with a snort, he lets the player go.


By the time the other player realises that Jinyoung isn’t following, he’s overcome by the skeletons and Jinyoung sneers at the measly wooden sign that falls from the sky to the place where he died, showing where his items had been dropped.

He couldn’t even afford to upgrade to a proper gravestone. 

He considers going over to check the items, weighing its worth over getting pounded by the group of skeletons, now lounging with boredom a distance away, and decides it’s not worth it. He already suffered quite a bit in that fight, without his armour and proper spells, and is just turning around to leave when he literally jerks back in surprise.

The other player, (archangelic, which is weird, because sweet, kind and beautiful isn’t what necessarily counts in the world of Runescape, but whatever floats your boat, right?) stands nervously at a side, the health bar above his head still in dire state, and Jinyoung involuntarily checks his inventory once more to see if he has any food or potions, but they were all used up in the fight.

the-philophobic-fox says: thought you were going to run :/ 

Jinyoung then winces, because that really wasn’t what he meant to say. He attempts to run away, then, like all he’s ever tried to do in his life, but the speech bubble that pops up makes him pause.

archangelic says: wait! 

Jinyoung blinks.

archangelic says: um, thanks. 

Jinyoung squirms for a bit, not really knowing what to say to that, before typing a reply.

the-philophobic-fox says: uh, no problem. Just don’t fall for it again, there are people like him everywhere.

He is the master of eloquence. 

Jinyoung’s really about to run now, and bury his head in a cave and kill beetles to vent his embarrassment, when the other player stops him again.

archangelic says: wait! 

There is a pregnant pause, before he continues with some sort of humility.

archangelic says: could I um, could I follow you out?

archangelic says: the skeletons look really scary :( 

Jinyoung blinks again. He’s beginning to sense a pattern.

the-philophobic-fox says: um, yeah, sure. Just right click and follow. 

He winces, then, because that was what the other guy had said before luring him here, but archangelic does it anyway, with a grateful naivety that makes Jinyoung doubt his future survival.

It also invokes this protective surge that tugs at something deep within him, but he bats it away with some irritation and embarrassment, because come on, you just met this person.

They begin the slow journey back, Jinyoung avoiding skeleton hotspots and trying his best to move around a giant evil black rock because he was pretty sure level 26 players didn’t have the protective amulet needed to prevent eternal cursing, and they get back relatively unscathed, except for the time a goblin tried to hit him and died an instant death.

Jinyoung’s suddenly awkward again, because he doesn’t know what to say, to the point he almost misses the notification at the bottom left of his screen.

archangelic wants to trade with you. 

He accepts it more out of curiosity than actual trade, because other than his equipment he doesn’t have anything of actual value on him now.

Jinyoung almost snorts when a pale pink raw chicken pops up on the other player’s square, then sobers up when the other player confirms the trade.

Was this some sort of gift?

He clicks his own confirm trade button tentatively, and the chicken appears in his inventory.

archangelic says: aha that was kind of weird but I didn’t have anything else except my fishing net D: 

archangelic says: so…thanks \o/ again hehe. I’ll never forget this. 

Then he runs off in a fashion that Jinyoung finds to be extremely familiar, mostly because he’d run from many situations in the exact same manner.

Jinyoung is left standing alone with his chicken.

He logs off and shuts the computer down then, convincing himself that it’s to fulfil Dongwoo’s long suffering requests for him to sleep early for once, when really, it’s because he doesn’t think he’ll be able to do anything online after that, and though it takes him the usual time to fall asleep he doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night like he always does.

Somewhere along the way, he dreams of angels and chickens and a singing chorus in the background he can’t really place when he wakes up.



“You’re late,” Junghwan observes aloud as Dongwoo slides into the booth beside Jinyoung, who inches in to give him space. 

“Girl troubles,” Sunwoo says with a solemnity that is almost laughable coming from him, and Dongwoo gives him a look as the rest of them snort simultaneously. Being the only straight guy in a room full of friends as straight as bendy rulers has its woes, as Dongwoo would so often lament to Jinyoung when they were alone.

“No, it’s actually not, this time, it’s-…” Whatever it is is cut off when his books slide out of his bag onto the floor, and Jinyoung is helping him gather the books, Dongwoo muttering in annoyance, when Jinyoung surfaces and stops short, because it’s him, it’s that guy.

Jinyoung instinctively attempts to force himself back into the booth seat and disappear.

Out of the corner of his eye, he watches as Attractive Stranger heads casually for the food stalls, and his heart seems to freeze over when he’s stopped by one of the guys wearing a maroon fraternity jacket sitting at a table near the centre of the cafeteria. He smiles, exchanges a few words, and nods in the direction of the stalls, and Jinyoung immediately drops his gaze to his food, insides curling with disappointment.

So he’s with them.

He doesn’t hear whatever his friends have to say next, only staring at the measly pork porridge in front of him, appetite suddenly gone. It’s frustratingly inexplicable, he hasn’t been this affected by it, he hasn’t cared about what people thought of him since-…

“Hey, you okay?” Dongwoo is casting a worried look at him, and Jinyoung jolts out of his spell of shock, before nodding numbly, reaching over to stuff a spoonful of watery porridge in his mouth for good measure. He can feel Dongwoo’s eyes on the back of his neck for a long time after that, but they return to his phone after that.

“Who are you texting, hyung?” Sunwoo says around a mouthful of rice, and Junghwan proceeds to lecture him about table etiquette and not spitting your food all over the table. Jinyoung’s seriously considering said spitting food all over the table when he feels Dongwoo shift beside him, and looks up.

He regrets it immediately.

“Hey hyung!” Attractive Stranger props his hands on the edge of the table, his smile blinding. “You know you didn’t have to text, you could’ve just come over and told me.”

“And embarrass you in front of all your cool friends?” Dongwoo gasped in mock horror. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

Junghwan is in the middle of affectionately wiping Sunwoo’s mouth with a tissue and looks up from Attractive Stranger to Dongwoo expectantly, while Jinyoung slides lower in his seat, hoping that he will somehow magically disappear.

“This is Gong Chansik,” He hears Dongwoo introduce, then, with a smile. “He’s my cousin, he moved over from Suncheon to join this year.”

“You should introduce me to all your cool friends too,” Chansik teases. Jinyoung can’t help but think about how lovely his voice sounds. It has a smooth, jewel-like tone, both smiley and subdued at the same time. A perfect voice for singing- that is, if Jinyoung’s interested in music anymore, which of course, he’s not. He can’t. 

He hears both Junghwan and Sunwoo greet Chansik, Sunwoo with a hint of annoyance in his voice that he always has when he senses a threat, and feels an overwhelming squeamish sensation as Dongwoo turns to him.

“…and this is Jinyoung. He’s a junior, in engineering.”

Jinyoung feels his face burning as he looks up, hands folded tightly on his lap, and the flicker of recognition in Chansik’s eyes makes his stomach twist violently.

No, he can’t know about that, he mustn’t have been in the capital for long, how would he know about-…

“Hey, you’re the guy I crashed into yesterday!” Chansik says brightly.

Oh, right.

“Sorry,” he says much too flatly, too rudely, but it’s ingrained into him after years of fear and insecurity. Softer, he adds, “I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

“It’s alright,” Chansik replies, with a gentleness in his tone reminiscent of Dongwoo (does it run in the family?), but when Jinyoung looks up again he’s grinning. “I should watch where I run too.”

Dongwoo is looking curiously at the two of them and when he speaks again, Jinyoung’s suddenly reminded that they are in a crowded cafeteria, surrounded by people.

“Did you get to all your classes okay? 

The rest of the conversation carries on in a blur- Chansik is recalled back to his seat with the cool kids and Junghwan launches into a tandem about cute freshmen, leaving Sunwoo to brood with a thundercloud over his brow through the rest of lunch, but Jinyoung’s grateful when he has to go for lessons again because it gives him a wonderful opportunity to forget.

It doesn’t work, of course, but somehow this time it isn’t as bad as before.



the-philophobic-fox is online.

Jinyoung runs in circles for a few seconds, thinking about what he wants to do. It’s midnight again, and he’s tucked under the covers in the exact same position he’d been in for the past few nights now. He’s managed to convince himself that it’s because it had been comfortable and he doesn’t want his parents getting on his case right now, but maybe he’s just hoping. 

He runs through a list of itinerary in his mind, trying to get back on track. He’ll probably fill his cornucopias, get the enchanted dragon equipment set he’s been eyeing for a month now, go steal the bananas from the port for that quest because he really can’t afford to buy anything out of convenience anymore, not after knocking out a couple million from his bank after that purchase. Maybe he’d just head over to the Barbarian Village for those cooked meats. He’s trying to recall the quickest way to Varrock (because teleport spells are expensive, you know) when a speech bubble catches him off guard.

archangelic says: what are the odds?

Jinyoung’s breath hitches in his chest, because no way, how on Earth-…

the-philophobic-fox says: holy frick 

He imagines the person on the other side cringing. Maybe it’s because he’s still trying to get over the shock of bumping into this person again, or maybe it’s because of all those weird feelings that are suddenly springing up like merry balloon men inside of him again, but he’s struggling to keep the façade on. To pretend like he’d been pretending for the past three years.

archangelic says: hahhahahaa omg we are a match made in heaven

the-philophobic-fox says: I thought you were going to disown me

archangelic says: wow I already own you? That’s great! \o/

To his surprise, Jinyoung snorts. The conversation, despite its shaky start, is starting to flow properly, unlike most of Jinyoung’s conversations, which usually fizzle and die out by the hellos. 

the-philophobic-fox says: do you usually use this channel? I didn’t think I’d see you again

archangelic says: yup! \o/ It’s nice when it’s not so crowded hehe. 

the-philophobic-fox says: yeah I know right, when people ks

archangelic says: omg yeah, I mean sometimes I’m literally begging them to cc and they outright tell me no. so mean D:

Jinyoung pauses for a moment. So this player’s experienced- even Junghwan didn’t know what he was talking about when he’d started using such gaming terms at first. He’d found it immensely annoying as a new player- when he was in a field of cattle trying desperately to bring down a cow for its miserable hide and meat and some player thirty levels higher than him waltzed over and killed it with one blow, stealing both his experience and the stuff that the mobs dropped. It was even worse in the crowded channels where respawn rate for normal mobs was slower, so Jinyoung would be forced to hang around and wait excruciating minutes for more cows to spring up. It gives him a new sort of chill, that the person he’s talking to may be more used to the gaming world than he is. 

the-philophobic-fox says: I usually use this main acc to ks them back though ahah

archangelic says: yeah so lucky D: this is my main acc, I have to noob :(

the-philophobic-fox says: you play somewhere else? 

archangelic says: yup :) maple!

So that explains it. Maple is known for its party quests, so no wonder he would naturally assume that other MMORPGs would provide them as readily. 

the-philophobic-fox says: no wonder you thought runescape would have pq too haha

archangelic says: yeah…D; thanks again, for that time :3 did you like the chicken? :DDD
Jinyoung carefully neglects to mention that he’d used a precious space, out of the 68 allotted, in his bank to store the lone raw chicken, and gone back several (hundred) times to look at it and feel happy.

the-philophobic-fox says: yeah it’s in my bank now. I’ll use it for a pie haha

archangelic says: we can make pies here?? :o wow runescape is so cool omg in maple we just kill sprouts and drink potions D:

They continue chatting like this for a while, and Jinyoung’s in the middle of vividly describing his showdown with a giant beetle in the dungeon next to the Barbarian Village and the other player is virtual-giggling when someone else pops up, (an old online friend of Jinyoung’s he’d met on the site, he realises with some horror) and tells them to get a room.

Flushing, Jinyoung opens up a private chat box and invites archangelic on.

the-philophobic-fox says: don’t listen to him he’s still bitter I kicked his last year

archangelic says: you know a lot of people here? :o

the-philophobic-fox says: well not really. I mean you need people to gang up on other players with you on pvp

the-philophobic-fox says: in a perfectly honourable manner

archangelic says: yeaahhh sure :P Ugh speaking of honour I still have an essay to write in two days

the-philophobic-fox says: GP?

archangelic says: whaat no haha I’m in college now. For a course my cousin cornered his pseudo darling adopted son into taking :P

Jinyoung’s eyes widen. Wow. He’d thought the kid was still in high school.

the-philophobic-fox says: wow you didn’t sound all that old

archangelic says: why? Are you a ert coming to prey on my young gullible soul D:

the-philophobic-fox says: no lol I’m in college too, I thought you were in high school.

archangelic says: oooh which one?? It’d be great if we could meet up :DDD

Jinyoung types the next sentence before he can stop himself.

the-philophobic-fox says: no it won’t

His heart clenches painfully as soon as the words are on the screen. He hadn’t meant for it to come out like that. But showing anyone, especially someone whom he’s finally able to get along with, who he really is, will ruin everything. 

And he can’t. Despite the fact that he’d just met this person online, (regardless of any awkward unexpected heroic displays), something about this player makes Jinyoung want to preserve his image of him. 

For the first time in three years, Jinyoung finds himself actually giving a damn about what someone else thinks of him again.

He panics when he sees the inactivity in the chat box, gut twisting when he wonders if the other player had been scared off by his brusque reply.

the-philophobic-fox says: not like that. As in like, I don’t want you to know who I am.

That sounded a whole lot worse. Now he really sounded like some e who’d just been called out on his bluff.

the-philophobic-fox says: and im not a pedo, okay, as in I just think you might regret your decision once you see who I am

Something is lifted off his shoulders when he sees the reply pop up on the screen.

archangelic says: it’s okay haha, I know what you mean. Besides, not even like we’re in the same college, right? I mean, what would the odds of those be :P

the-philophobic-fox says: so far the odds have been bent on getting us together

Jinyoung almost slams his head on the keyboard as soon as he types that. He was an abomination of nature. How? How could a creature as socially inept as him have been let loose to wander this accursed Earth? 

archangelic says: wow you really know all the right words to use

the-philophobic-fox says: IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO COME OUT LIKE THAT

archangelic says: surree whatever you say ;) I’ll just tell my parents I made a secret admirer/knight in shining armour/awkward turtle online friend on my first day

the-philophobic-fox says: thanks that’ll really assure them you aren’t being preyed upon on the internet. 

archangelic says: I’ll keep safe if it worries you so much ;)

Jinyoung rolls his eyes.

the-philophobic-fox says: I didn’t mean it like that

the-philophobic-fox says: as in I do mean for you to be safe just not like

the-philophobic-fox says: you know what never mind you get it don’t you, you’re just revelling in my misery

archangelic says: me? Gasp what would make you suspect such a thing

the-philophobic-fox says: is this your thing? Making yourself out to be all innocent and helpless and then turning out to be pure evil

archangelic says: I’m not helpless D:< I could’ve gotten out of that myself

the-philophobic-fox says: yeah, right. Change the topic please.

archangelic says: >:( fine, but im not helpless. Alright so if you aren’t gonna tell me what college you’re from then you gotta tell me some other things about yourself 

Jinyoung’s heart sinks slightly, and he struggles for a response, eventually settling on the most evasive thing he can think of. 

the-philophobic-fox says: oh so now I’m the one being preyed upon

archangelic says: yeah I’m totally going to use your favourite colour to triangulate your position and find out your address and come to kill you in your sleep

the-philophobic-fox says: your sense of humour is so charming

archangelic says: ohh come on, you’re the one that saved me, if anything, you’d be the one to pedo on me, right? Okay I’ll start, my favourite colour’s green :)

Jinyoung remains stuck in hesitation for a few seconds, when for the first time in three years, the cheerfully reckless voice telling him to heck it and go ahead is given full reign.

the-philophobic-fox says: my favourite is red. 

archangelic says: haha why?

the-philophobic-fox says: why, is it a crime

archangelic says: just asking, mr sensitive

the-philophobic-fox says: my mom used to say it matched my eyes

archangelic says: awww that’s adorbs :3 ok next: ummm what’s your favourite food?

the-philophobic-fox says: umm gyoza? I’ve never really thought about food.

archangelic says: o.o how.can.you.not. it’s food. Food is everything.

the-philophobic fox says: you sound like my friend ._. his life revolves around food. So what’s yours?

archangelic says: cucumber kimchi!!! :) on my birthday you can leave a carton of it at a prearranged area and I will eat it 
all

Jinyoung snorts and rolls his eyes. This kid was adorable, but all it took was a closer look to see how much of a handful he’d be in the future.

the-philophobic-fox says: yeah right, haha.

archangelic says: I mean it! Several cartons please :))) alrighty um…favourite place?

This one sets Jinyoung thinking a bit longer.

the-philophobic-fox says: a family diner in dongdaemun. They have really nice porridge.

archangelic says: welp I know where im staking out next couple weeks

archangelic says: jkjk I know you like your privacy ok um my favourite place is a pet store in Seoul. Puppies are the cutest things on earth ahhhhhhh

Jinyoung’s amazed by how easily the words come out for once. Not jerky, not hesitant, just comfortable, everyday conversation. It’s like meeting a friend he’d lost a long time ago. He finds himself smiling as he reads every sentence.

the-philophobic-fox says: hamsters are cuter

archangelic says: picky D: all animals are cute tbh. Ok next ummm…oh right!! I’ve been meaning to ask you this for a while haha. What’s up with your username? :))

And in that split second, everything freezes.

Jinyoung feels the familiar twist in his gut return tenfold. His fingers retract slowly from the keyboard.

archangelic says: I mean, kinda funny, isn’t it? Philo literally means love, and phobia means fear, so…you’d be the fox who was afraid to fall in love, right? 

And all of a sudden Jinyoung’s locked in the stalls of the male toilets once more, holding a bloody tissue to his face, trying to ignore the sting from all the stupid tears that keep running down his cheeks, he’s standing in front of a room wearing a student council jacket he knows he will soon have to relinquish with a half-hearted script on the stand in front of him, feeling more oppressed with every second that passes under their cold stares, he’s standing aside quietly after everyone’s grouped up, waiting for an irritable teacher to stick him in the group that gives him the least dirty stares, and he’s alone, watching the girl he thought he’d be able to love forever and the lies she’d spread about him go up like wildfire.

archangelic says: hey…you still there?

Jinyoung presses his lips into a tight smile he knows the other player won’t see and types out a response.

the-philophobic-fox says: hey I gotta go now. Night

Then he shuts the laptop lid and shoves it under his bed, fumbling as he does so, burying the regret and hesitation with experienced ease, insides knotting up slowly and laboriously as the memories ebb back into his head frame by frame, and he presses his face into his pillow. After recalling the list of every shortcoming and terrible characteristic about himself, tearing down every support his friends had helped him build over the past three stupid years, he finally feels ironically comforted enough to sleep.