"It doesn't matter who she has in her heart, I like her if she likes you, and I like her if she hates me."

It has never been me, it never has. I always get the end of the stick. I'm always plan B, never her first choice. But I still like her. Every single time I wonder, if I had been there earlier, what would be her choice. Yet, every single time, I know that no matter how much I do, she only had eyes for him. I already lost my position in her heart to him. I will never get her as long as he's around.

//

"2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate? MBLAQ! Yeah MBLAQ!" Jung cheers for the school team. I look at her from the benches, smiling at her as I waited for my turn to be called onto court. My name's Joon, I'm a baseball player. I don't play well enough to be the starter team, but I'm pretty good at what I can do. My best friend is the girl I just mentioned, Jung. She's a cheerleader. Ever since elementary school, she has been doing her cheers while I practiced my throws. Call it personal cheerleading, but we were each other's pillar of support. 

"Jung ah! Stop cheering already, you're not that glamourous as the other cheerleaders." Mir, our other best friend would always complain. Mir is the lazy one in the group. He is the one who chomps on people's food, sleeps in class and does the weirdest things in life. He's the one that teachers worry for not having a goal in the future, I wonder if he does have a goal. But no matter how many weaknesses we see in him, he's just a simple funny guy, who has a surprisingly manly voice, except for the fact that he has a Busan accent. He makes fun of his own origins, so we're fine with the accent. We also learnt how to speak a little of it, just for fun and for nicknaming weird people we don't like in our own way. 

We were the three musketeers, always going somewhere together. Mir would come watch the game, yelling in his accent thinking he is the best cheering weapon out there (when he's not), Jung would be cheering with the other girls while I played the game ocassionally. We would then head out for a cup of bubble tea after. Days like that passed as we reached the end of high school. It was graduation soon. This also meant that finals were in a week.  

//

Jung: Hey, wanna study for the finals together? 
Busan man: No. I hate studying.
Jung: You need to graduate.
Jjun: Yeah, Jung's right. 
Busan man: Don't gang up against me. I'mma call the police. 
Jung: Mir...
Jjun: Mir...
Busan Man: Fine, I'll come to the study date! Pfft. 
Jjun: Success. 
Jung: 2.30pm at Mango Six. Who ever is late has to pay for all the drinks.
Jjun: Alright.
Busan Man: Definitely not me paying. 

//

Guess who paid for the drinks. I did. But I didn't pay for the drinks with money, I gave my heart up. You see, I have a little crush on Jung. Maybe not so little. Ever since I saw her cheering for the baseball team in elementary school, I decided that she was my ideal type. She was the reason why I decided to join baseball, even if I had calls from the Martial Arts side to join them. I wanted to get into her good books, which I eventually did. Mir only came along in middle school, but I never told anyone about me liking Jung. The window to her heart was shut tight. 

That fateful day where I woke up late and arrived at Mango Six at only 3pm, I only took out money to pay for the drinks, not suspecting anything. Who knew that Mir confessed to Jung during the half hour I was rushing to the cafe? Who knew that Mir was so good at taking chances and holding on to his opportunities? Who knew that Jung had a crush on Mir too and Mir's confession only made it easier for Jung to confess her feelings too? It felt like I was the only one oblivious about this, perhaps I am the only one oblivious. 

I found out 2 weeks later that they decided to date. They didn't even bother telling me, I heard the story from Seungho. I guess they were afraid of telling me that my 2 best friends became lovers. So we drifted apart, partly because I could not stand seeing my ideal type treating Mir so well. They didn't even realise I was gone. 

//

Jung: Ya Jjun ah, you didn't turn up for the game today? Are you okay? 
Busan Man: Baby, he must be sick. What else?
Jung: Baby, you know Jjun isn't the type to be sick.
Busan Man: Oh? Well then I'm always sick, take care of me.
Jung: Sick of?
Busan Man: Lovesick... because of you. 

- Lee Joon left the conversation -

I couldn't take it anymore. They didn't know that I like Jung, but it should be basic courtesy to realise that they should not be flirting in the conversation where the three of us are in the relationship of being friends, not lovers. 

//

Busan Man: Hey brother, why did you leave the conversation man? I'm too swag for you?
Jjun: I like her. 
Busan Man: Who?
Jjun: Jung. 
Busan Man: Hey, don't joke with me about my girlfriend. Busan man's got his pride.
Jjun: I have my pride too. It doesn't matter who she has in her heart. I like her even if she likes you, I like her even if she hates me.
Busan Man: How dare you say that. You better tell me it's a joke.
Jjun: I'm not lying. But don't worry, I won't tell her that, so please don't tell her that either. 

- Busan Man went offline - 

I knew it. Mir could not handle the truth either. He was my best brother, yet he betrayed me by liking the girl I like. It's partly my fault since I never once told him that I liked Jung, but still, wasn't it pretty obvious that I liked her? But just like how I "forgot" to tell him that I liked Jung, he too, forgot to tell me that he had his eyes set on Jung and not some other random girl. We were even. Even in liking the same girl, even in hating each other now. 

//

Jung: Jjun ah, I don't know why you left the conversation, but I'm having my national tryouts this Friday. We've always supported each other, could you just come down to support me? 2pm at the gymnasium, pretty please!
Jjun: I'll try. 

You cannot deny that I still had feelings for her, when she asks so fervently I couldn't say no. So I did show up at the gymnasium. Mir, thinking that we were still best friends, came to sit beside me. I kept quiet the entire time. It was Jung's turn to perform. Mir started cheering really loudly, the smile on Jung's face. That pure blissful face that showed when she started her routine, it was because Mir was there. She didn't need my presence at all. I left the gymnasium. I never should have left the gymnasium. Even though I was not best friends with them anymore, I should not have worsen the relationship.

It was known that Jung fell during her routine when she saw that I was missing. She got distracted and injured her tailbone. She can no longer do cheerleading anymore. The national tryouts failed her too. I was angry at myself of course. We were working towards the same goal, she will always cheer for me, even at University games, I would try my best to enter a University baseball team. But I caused her her game, I made her lose her goal. I have made a mistake, she would never forgive me for that.

And yet, I never visited her once in the hospital, Mir was there every day, I couldn't bring myself to visit her if he was there. Soon, the word 'friend' never appeared whenever we meet each other in school. We simply walked past each other, her eyes filled with hatred and sadness, with pain and sorrow, whilst my eyes simply looked down on the floor as I hastened my pace to walk away.

//

It was graduation, prom arrived. I needed to atone my mistakes, we were definitely going to different universities now, I had to create a door of opportunity to at least apologize for not being there when she needed be to. I had to confess and tell her that I still like her, ever since elementary school. Despite the drop of the 'friend'ship, I was still very much in love with her. I could not bear staring at her without thinking how beautiful she was. I no longer care who she is with, whether she hates me or not. I needed to tell her how I felt at least once before I leave this high school. 

//

"Jjun."
"Jung ah, listen to me."
Without saying the next word, Jung suffocates me with her hug. I let her hug me, before I remembered the things I had to say and do. 
"Jung ah, stop. Listen to me."
"I forgive you, I just need you as my pillar of support-"
"I love you." 
"What? No, you can't. I'm with Mir."
"I'm not asking for a chance to be with you, nor to give you a chance to reconcile with me. I'm just telling that I have had a crush on you for the past 10 years without you knowing."
"Jjun please, this is not the time for jokes. I need you as a friend."
"See? You need me as a friend. You never took me as a man, you took Mir as a man, that was how you fell so easily in love with him."
"Jjun come on, you know I love you as a friend, I need you in my life to help me. Besides, you knew that I liked Mir."
"You still hate me for the incident don't you?"
Jung kept silent.

"After that incident, you never liked me anymore. How could you like me when I ruined your chances to go to university? Without the scholarship for cheerleading, you don't have money to enter the school you want. You don't like me. You're just pretending. It was never me in the first place. It never was, it never will."
"Jjun, you know I will never get over the fact for that. But I still need you, you're my best friend and-"
"Best friend? I like you." 
It doesn't matter who she has in her heart, I like her even if she liked Mir, and I like her even if she hates me. I am never getting over my first love, because no matter how long you live, you still have the best memories of your first love. 
"Jjun, you know that's never going to happen."
"You can hate me all you want, you can love Mir all you want. Just know that I have always loved you, since elementary school. I treated you like a best friend, but I loved you like a lover would. I don't care who you have right now, I love you. If you can't be with me, I don't mind anymore. I lost the friendship we have, I'll get lost on my own. You can stay happy. But Jung, just remember, I treated you as a lady, did you treat me fairly? Did you treat me like a guy?" 

I walked away, leaving the prom, leaving Jung in tears. I was crying too. After so many years of hiding, pretending, I confessed. It was never right to fall in love with your best friend, but I saw her as a lady. She never saw me as a man. It was never me, right from the start. I already lost my opportunity when I became best friends, you forgot my identity as a man. But it doesn't matter who she has in her heart, because no matter what, she's still the best friend I ever had. If only we ventured further, further than what friends do. But I failed, I failed to keep the friendship together, I failed to remind her that I was a man too, I failed. It was never me right from the start, it will never be me.