A Gift Never Given
A Gift Never Given
He had gotten the box months ago, but now he had no one to give it to.
Amidst the flickering, colorful lights, the sweet eggnog, and the perfectly decorated Christmas tree, Seungho sat on his couch. Despite his bright and festive surroundings, he had never felt so alone, so empty. Sure, the gifts were piling, and he couldn't wait to have Christmas dinner with his family, but Seungho clenched the little box in his hand tighter, wishing he had given this gift when he had the chance. Maybe if he had, he would have a happy holiday.
The melancholy man brought his cup of hot chocolate up to his mouth, the heat from it having dissipated long ago. Seungho's heart wrenched every time he saw the names engraved on the mug. With a sweet red heart around them, dark blue letters spelled out his own name, and someone else's.
Minyoung.
Seungho took a sip from the mug, and scenes from the yesterdays played so freshly from his memory.
"Don't take that," a woman's aegyo-laden voice whined.
Seungho's pillow lips curved into a mischievous smile when he got ahold of a picture his girlfriend had been staring at for the past ten minutes.
"Baby," he evaded her desperately reaching arms, "why are you looking at that and not me?"
After several more attempts at getting the picture back, Minyoung gave up the chase and Seungho stopped to looked at the photo. It was of her and some other guy. This man was handsome, though Seungho thought he was even more so, and he had striking eyes, as if he could cast a spell with his gaze alone. And his smile. An unidentifiable magic radiated from this man's smile, etching his image into the hearts of all who beheld it.
"Who is this?" Seungho looked up.
"None of your business," Minyoung's eyes held longing and hurt, and so did her voice.
"You two are standing awfully close. Did you have a boyfriend before me?" Seungho sounded jealous, but he was obviously joking.
A cloud passed over Minyoung's face as she looked down. She gave a long sigh before looking up again, the same longing still in her eyes.
"His name is Yoojoon," she answered. "We had been together for several years during and after high school. He had to leave when his parents paid for his first year of studying in Japan."
Although it pained him to see Minyoung so hurt, Seungho couldn't help but feel relief. If this Yoojoon had never moved, then he would have never gotten the opportunity to be with this amazing woman. Before tears could escape, Seungho quickly closed in on his girl and embraced her, his heartbeat lending a comforting assurance that he was there.
"I love you, Minyoung," Seungho whispered, careful not to scare her with a loud proclomation. "Nothing happens without reason, and I believe that he had to leave so I could come to you. My heart was never complete without you, and it wasn't until I met you that I realized that. He was a fool to not fight for you, but I will."
"Thank you," Minyoung sighed. "I felt such a strong bond with him, and I was shattered for months after he left. Then you found me, and I could feel my heart mending. I love you too, Seungho."
He should have seen it then. But no, Seungho fooled himself into thinking that they were destined to be together forever, like some fairy tale come true. Bitter tears slid down his face and he quickly wiped them off. The fire crackling in front of him reminded him of the fire that once burned so brightly in his own heart. A fire of love and of passion.
With an elongated sigh, Seungho quickly stood from his chair and set the little box down where he had sat. He couldn't take the taste of lukewarm cocoa anymore, so he went to dump it out. Only several months before, it had tasted sweet. But now that his heart was empty, nothing was what it used to be. Gentle snow lost its magical wonder, hot chocolate was but a pathetic excuse for a drink, and promises nothing but hollow words so easily broken. After all, every last one of his and Minyoung's promises were but distant memories now.
In hopes of distracting his heart, Seungho the television and flipped through the channels. Various holiday movies were playing on almost every channel, and even the channel had the actors dressed in skimpy santa outfits. None of what was on interested him though, especially the lovey dovey movies. Who would seriously go to all lengths just to be with "the one" they had so dearly loved? Ridiculous sacrifices made, and political, social, and familial disapproval trampled upon for a single person didn't make sense.
But Seungho would have done all that and more for his own love.
The thought of being as stupid for love as that made Seungho want to throw up. After all that had happened, he still would overcome all obstacles for Minyoung, or die trying. The one he was faced with, however, was impregnable. One couldn't break down walls that his other half had so eagerly made, accidentally or not.
"I'm sick of this!!" Minyoung shouted. "You're never home in time for a hot meal, and you've stopped caring about me!!"
"Please, Minyoung," Seungho brought his hands to his forehead, "I'm not in the mood."
"You're never in the ing mood!!"
"Fine!!" Seungho raised his voice. "Enlighten me with your love talk."
"I don't expect you to be perfect, especially with how hard you work, but I'd appreciate you picking up your damned phone. Every time I try to call you, you never answer, like you're having fun with some you pick up every ing night."
"How can you even think that?" Seungho shook his head. "All I do is for you, and you can't see that because you think I'm cheating on you?"
"I'm not your mother, Seungho. I don't need you to work all day and night to give me jewelry or clothes I'll never use. What I need is for you to eat and talk with me, and please hold me for just five minutes out of your day."
A silence enveloped the air around the couple as they looked at each other.
"I'm leaving, Seungho," Minyoung said quietly.
Seungho couldn't believe what he was hearing. He had worked his off for years just for her, and she was going to leave?
"What are you talking about?" Seungho gaped. "You can't leave."
"There's something you need to know," Minyoung looked down with tears starting to form in her eyes. "I ran into Yoojoon last month."
"So what? Did he ask you to elope with him or something?"
"No, Seungho, I've never cheated on you. ually, at least."
This couldn't be happening.
"Did you want to?" Seungho snarled.
"No," Minyoung shook her head. "But...we talked for a few minutes, and he wanted to me to meet him again. We did at a cafe and..."
"Did you fall in love again? Did he sweep you off your feet like he used to? Did you feel butterflies?" Seungho began to cry, both in anger and in sadness. He knew what was coming.
"I still love him," her quiet answer seemed to thunder in his ears.
That was all the convincing Seungho needed. If she couldn't let go of a high school love for him, then there was no point in staying. Or at least, that's what Seungho told himself. It didn't stop the hurting or the tears. Every night, Seungho caught a whiff of the pillow next to him, and he sobbed quietly into sweet forgetful slumber. But even in sleep, he was haunted by his one heart's desire in his dreams. There was never a moment that Seungho didn't think of her.
Last he heard, Minyoung and Yoojoon were happily strutting about Seoul with love emitting from every word, every step. That tore Seungho even more than he already was. He thought that they were happy together, and nothing would ever seperate them. Hell, even Minyoung must have thought that as well. That is, until Yoojoon came back.
As Seungho was crying on his bed yet again, he turned to his mp3 player for another attempt at a distraction. Hundreds of songs passed through the screen, but he still couldn't find a single one to take his mind off of his heart. Seungho eventually gave up and listened to heart wrenching songs he could relate to, more tears pooling in his eyes and flowing down. They would wash out the sadness from him eventually, right?
Seungho didn't want to cry, but he couldn't help it. His whole world was shattered from its foundation up, and the effects were palpable everywhere. Before he could drown in the tears, Seungho stood up and set down the mp3 player, heading for the drawer soon after. The drawer had two vertical columns, and three horizontal. Seungho reached for the top right one, Minyoung's column. There were things women typically owned from make-up to hygenic necessities, all screaming out the name of their owner. The man dug through them, savoring the lipstick's memories, and the images of the necklaces being worn. They were all forsaken now, and most likely forgotten.
An unknown white was placed far in the back, and Seungho could just guess what it was. He reached for it. The smooth papery feeling confirmed his suspicions of it being an envelope. When he took it out, however, he could feel his heart breaking once again.
Minyoung's beautiful, unmistakable handwriting spelled out his name.
Having to fight back tears with all of his might, Seungho brought a shaking hand to the heart seal and snapped it off. Inside, a single sheet of paper sat folded. The sight of Minyoung's writing brought tears to Seungho's eyes, but he still took out the message.
"My dearest Seungho," the letter began, and Seungho's eyes streamed tears.
"I'm so sorry. You know I loved you dearly, right? There was nothing I wouldn't have done for you. But you see, after you got promoted, you didn't have any more room in your life for me. I stayed here in this empty house, washing dishes you'll never use and sweeping floors you never tread. It wasn't the life I wanted. Please know that you are always in my heart, and the memories you and I have are very, very dear to me.
"I saw the box you bought, and the ring it contained. It was very beautiful, but the bond between us was something I wasn't feeling anymore. The only marriage you had was with your job. I respect that, but I can't live like that. It's funny, I still would've said yes."
Seungho let go and sobbed at that last sentence.
"You're a very special person," the letter continued, "and I hope you'll find someone much better than me. I'm sorry for hiding this so well, but I didn't want you to read it for a while...until you were ready. I love you dearly, Seungho. Don't forget that. The most you should do for me is remember me, not miss me. I'll see you again sometime.
"With love, Minyoung."
That was the hardest letter Seungho ever had to read. But in that moment, he was set free. Yes, he had loved Minyoung with all his might and he would forever want her back, but there was something else. Something that was etched deeply into his heart.
Love.
Seungho loved her so much. He wished Minyoung only the best happiness, and if that was accomplished with Yoojoon and not him, Seungho was willing to sacrifice his own heart for hers. He was still the er for love.
After setting down the letter, Seungho went back to the living room and picked up the box. It was more than a box. It was a question never asked, a love taken for granted, a symbol of happiness, but also of bitterness. Seungho took out the ring, and pretending Minyoung's finger was wearing it, placed a kiss on it.
"I will always love you, Minyoung."
Seungho's whispered words lay forgotten by the fireplace, but the essence of them wafted through the rest of his life.
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