WINTER OF MY LIFE

“Tada!!” Moon Chae Won excitedly opened the bento box she brings. Her bento box were full of delicious food and she purposely brings egg rolls for Song Joong Ki. “I brought your favourite food today!”

Seeing Chae Won smiling, Joong Ki smiled too. “Yeah! Your mother egg roll is the best!” he showed his thumb while taking the egg roll and eat it.

“But… Oppa,… This egg roll….. I made it on my own,” she said hesitantly.

*cough cough* He cleared his throat. “You should tell me earlier,” Joong Ki frowning.

“I’m sorry. Why, don’t you like to eat my cooking? Is it not delicious?” Chae Won pouted her lips.

Joong Ki chuckled hearing Chae Won’s questions and watching her sulking face.

“Why are you laughing?” Chae Won got a little irritated.

“Yes, your cooking is not delicious.”

“You really getting on my nerves right now!”

Joong Ki smiled again. “Your cooking may not delicious but at least, it’s still edible. And strangely, I like it. So, stop putting the sulking face,” he pinched Chae Won’s cheek.

At last, Chae Won drew a smile on her lips. After that, they started eating their lunch together.

Joong Ki and Chae Won had known each other since elementary school. They lived in the same neighbourhood and went to the same school since elementary until high school. They started their serious relationship when they were in Primary Six and still going out together until now.

……………………………………………………………

“It’s snowing!!” Chae Won exclaimed while looking at the sky. “It’s the first snow! Oppa, make a wish,” she said.

“Don’t believe such nonsense.”

“But, we have nothing to lose if we do it, right?” she said. Then she intertwined her fingers together and closed her eyes.

Joong Ki watched Chae Won, “I hope you will always be happy and cheerful like this,” he wished in his heart.

“Had you make your wish?” Chae Won asked when she finished making a wish.

“I didn’t make it,” he lied.

“What a liar,” she smiled.

“So, what do you want to do this Saturday?” Jong Ki asked her

“I heard there is a new movie at the cinema? Do you want to watch it? But, I want to go at the amusement park too. Beach too, it’s been a long time we haven’t go there.”

“Okay. Let’s go watch a movie this week. Next week, we will go to amusement park. And the week after next week, we will go to the beach. Do you like it?”

“Mmm. I like it,” she held his hand tightly while smiling.

………………………………………………………….

It was Saturday, Chae Won and Joong Ki went to the cinema just like what they planned. They decided to watch the new film, My Love. After buying tickets, they went to buy popcorns and drinks. Chae Won’s eyes were b with happiness and she was smiling all the time. Joong Ki too was very happy. He felt everything were amazing as long as he is with Chae Won.

The film was about a playboy felt in love with a pious girl. The boy’s love towards the girl had changed him becoming into a better person. Unfortunately, when they started dating, the girl been diagnosed having a thyroid cancer and what worst, she was at the last stage. The story ends with the boy and girl get married and after a few months, the girl died.

“My money was wasted on that film,” Chae Won complained after they got out from the cinema. “What a cliché story. There is no way our life would be that dramatic.”

“We never know what will happen in our life,” he said softly.

…………………………………………………………………

“Wuaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!” Chae Won shouted while riding the skycoater.

“It’s going down. It’s going down!!” she shouted when she reached at the peak.

After the ride finished, she was so happy. Meanwhile, Joong Ki who was watching her very afraid and worried something bad might happen. Joong Ki and Chae Won went to more rides such as Swing boat, Round Up, Roller Coaster and more.

They decided to take the last ride, Ferris wheel. The Ferris wheel was beautiful because of its light glimmering on the dark night.

“Woah!! It’s beautiful,” Chae Won exclaimed when the snow starting to fall down.

“Do you like it?” Joong Ki asked her.

“Very much!”

He smiled to her. “Do you still count it?” he asked suddenly.

Chae Won nodded.

He closed their distance and leaned in to kiss her on the lips.

“That is 79^th,” she said.

“Stop counting already. You never know if your counting is accurate. It can be that I kissed you while you were in deep sleep,” he said.

“What?! You had kissed me while I’m sleeping?” Chae Won got a little shocked.

Joong Ki smiled and kissed her again.

“80^th”, “That’s 81^th”, “82^th”….

……………………………………………………………

It was a chilly and cold afternoon. The road was slippery because of the melted snow and all students were walking carefully. Even though, they were wearing a thick coat, but still they can feel the coldness piercing their skin.

“Oppa, among all the seasons, which one do you like the most?” she asked all of sudden while they were on their way home.

“Mmm…” he was thinking. “Winter” he answered.

“Why? What did you like about it? It’s cold just like now.”

“Because most of people showed their love in winter. What about you?”

Without answering the question she said, “Winter means death. People said, if we think of the four seasons as a lifetime, then spring would be when we were very young, like when everything is blooming, then summer is the middle of our life, autumn is near the end of our life, when everything is losing it leaves, and winter would be the death, when everything is dead obviously.”

“Oh, I see. So, which one do you like?” he asked her again.

“I don’t know. I never think of it.”

……………………………………………………………………………………

Chae Won was watching the students playing at the field through the window of her class. She has no mood to play or participate in the club activities that day. Suddenly, Joong Ki came and hug her from behind.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“We will be dead meat if teachers found us like this,” she said.

“All the teachers have a meeting,” he tighten his hand around her.

“Oppa…”

“Hmm?”

“Nothing.”

“What? Does something bothering your mind?”

There was a silence between them.

‘What if someday I’ll be leaving you forever? Even if we so desperate to meet each other, to talk each other and to spend time with each other, but there’s no way we can do that. What will you do?”

“I will take any means to get you back.”

“No, what I mean is, what if I will be leaving this world earlier than you? What will you do?”

“Hey, why did you asked such question? It will not going to happen. We will live a long life, get married, raising our children together and watching our grandchildren playing in our house.”

Chae Won turned her back and hugged Joong Ki from in front.

“If someday I’ll leave, can you promise me not to shed a single tears? If someday, I get sick, can you not go to visit me? I might look weak and ugly. You will be teasing me because of that.”

“Stop talking about that. Or else, I will get real angry,” Joong Ki felt a little worried.

“Will you promised me on that?” she insisted.

Joong Ki didn’t answer her.

“Huh?”

“I will take yes as an answer if you just kept silent,” Chae Won said finally.

……………………………………………………………………………………

“Joong Ki! Song Jong Ki!” Han Hyo Joo, Chae Won’s best friend called him from afar.

“What is it?” Joong Ki asked when she was in front of him already.

“Chae Won-nie… Chae Won-nie…. ” she unable to continue her words and tears were flowing through her eyes.

“What’s wrong with Chae Won?” he asked worriedly.

Hyo Jooo didn’t answer him anything but just kept crying.

“Stop crying! Hyo Joo-ah, please.. Tell me what happen to Chae Won!”

“Just now, she pass out when we were in PE class,” she barely finished her sentence.

Joong Ki was very shocked and he felt the world has stopped spinning. He can’t think anything at that moment and all his fingers felt numb.

“Where… where is she right now?” he stuttered.

“She was being sent to the hospital but I don’t know which hospital is it.”

………………………………………………………………………………

Joong Ki called Chae Won’s parents as soon as the school has ended. Her father told him that she is admitted in the St. Mary’s Hospital. From her father, Joong Ki knew that Chae Won had been diagnosed having Chronic Lymphoblastic Leukaemia and they can’t do anything about it because she was at the final stage right now.

“Moon Chae Won, you idiot!!” he thought when he knew that Chae Won know all along her disease but didn’t speak a word about it to him.

………………………………………………………………………….

Joong Ki went to visit Chae Won at the night. He just watched her from outside the room. On that time, Chae Won was sleeping soundly and at times she will frowning.

“Why aren’t you going in?” Chae Won’s mother asked him when she saw Joong Ki was standing outside the room.

“I’m sure she will be happy to see you,” she added.

Joong Ki shook his head. “She doesn’t want me to watch her in this condition,” he said.

…………………………………………………………………………

It’s been a month Chae Won was in hospital and it’s been a month too she had not seen Joong Ki. She missed him so much and all she can do was watching Joong Ki’s picture. Without her knowing, Joong Ki visited her every day but he just stayed at the outside of the room. He would sit there for hours and when its holiday, he would stay there almost for a day.

Joong Ki was reading the letter Chae Won wrote and without he realized, tears flow from his eyes. He felt so frustrated of himself. He can’t do anything to her, the one he love, to save her, he can’t make her happy and it made him feel so weak and furious to himself.

“Hee…lllooo.., my… na…me… is…Moon… Chae… Won…” she stuttered.

It was a first day Chae Won and Joong Ki entered the elementary school. She was very nervous when she been asked to introduce herself.

“Hello, my name is Song Joong Ki,” he introduced himself with confidence.

When recess, all students were asked to line up to take the food from the counter. Chae Won was very nervous because of the new surrounding and when she walked to a table while holding her food, she accidentally bumped into a student and that made her food spilled.

She can’t eat anything because all her food was spilled. She just sat on one of the table while looking the other kids eating their delicious lunch.

“Do you want to share with me this food?” a boy asked her.

“May I?” she asked happily.

“Of course. Here you are,” the boy said while pushing the plate towards her.

‘Thank you, Song Joong Ki-shi!” she said while giving him a smile.

……………………………………………………………………….

The Christmas was coming but this year Christmas was very different for Chae Won and Joong Ki. Usually, on Christmas they will go to church together in the morning, spending time walking while sightseeing at the town and at night having a dinner with their family. Even though every year their Christmas was the same, but just being with their loved ones made them felt happy and contented.

While looking for the gift for Chae Won, suddenly, Joong Ki recalled back their Christmas together.

“Merry Christmas!! Joong Ki-ah…” she wished him.

“Haish! Didn’t I said to call me oppa?”

“But, we’re in the same age.”

“I’m older than you by five months,” he said while showing his five fingers. “Merry Christmas to you too,” he added while intertwined their fingers together.

“So, what gift are you giving to me?” Chae Won anticipate it.

“You should give me your gift first.”

“Why? It’s not fair. It’s always me the one who give the gift first.”

“Ladies first,” Joong Ki didn’t want to lose.

“Okay. Okay. I admit defeat. Tada!!” she showed him a box.

“What is it?” he observed the box.

“Open it. It’s a scarf. I knitted it on my own.”

“Really? Thank you very much. I like it.” he moved.

“So, what’s your gift?”

“My gift for you is me,” he said while smiling.

“Whaat?! So disgusting!! I got a goose bumps,” she showed him her hand.

He chuckled, “I’m just joking. Here it is,” he gave her a tiny box.

“Woah!! A necklace… So beautiful.’

…………………………………………………………………………………

“Chae Won-ah, today, I saw a couple was fighting with each other. I didn’t know what they fighting for but it made me recalled back our first fight. I still remembers our fight was about the new girl who came to our class in Primary Six. You were so jealous of her when she talked to me. We had a really big fight on that time and it made me felt so scared to lose you. Thus, I did many ways for us to be in a good terms again. I didn’t know what will happen to my life if I can’t see you again at that time. But, what should I do? My heart hurt so much until I feel suffocated just thinking I will not be able to see you again. God, please helps Chae Won. I promise I will go to church every day, cleaning the church and be a better person. But, please save Chae Won. I’m begging you, God.”

…………………………………………………………………

…………………………………………………………………..

“Joong Ki-ah, Chae Won’s condition is getting worst,” Chae Won’s mother said to him.

“Aunt, can I take Chae Won to somewhere? She had said that she want to go to beach. Can I take her there?”

Chae Won’s parents nodded to him.

……………………………………………………..

Today, Joong Ki wanted to bring Chae Won to the beach. He went to the hospital early in the morning. When he arrived at the ward, he saw Chae Won still sleeping and instead waiting outside the ward, he entered the room and sit on the chair beside her bed.

He held Chae Won’s hand and it feels like her hand can break any time. She was so pale and thin. Nate can’t bear to see her like that. All her smile, her cheerfulness had disappear. The girl who was lying in front of him was not like Chae Won who he knew. Without he realized, tears were flowing through his eyes.

“Oppa?” Chae Won was very surprised when she saw Joong Ki was in front of her when she woke up.

“Yeah, it’s me. Do you want some water?” he asked while stood from his place.

“No, it’s okay,” Chae Won watched Joong Ki who was sitting back on the chair. “Are you crying?”

Joong Ki forced a smile to her.

“No, don’t cry. Oppa, please don’t cry,” she wiped his tears.

“I’m okay. So, please don’t cry uh?” she smiled to Joong Ki.

Seeing Chae Won’s smile, his heart was very hurt and his tears kept flowing from his eyes.

“Why did you make me to promise something like that?” Joong Ki asked referring to the last promised they made.

“Because you will cry if you see me like this, just like now,” she said

“Chae Won-ah, I really really miss you,” he hugged her while kissing on her forehead.

“I miss you too,” Chae Won’s eyes started to get wet.

……………………………………………………………….

“You should get ready. There is no much time left,” the doctor said to Chae Won’s parents.

Hearing the doctor’s word, Chae Won’s mother started to burst out and her father was calming her mother.

“What will we do to our Chae Won? Our Chae Won, what should we do to her?!” her mother was crying very hard.

“Calm down. Calm down.” Her father said while patting her mother’s back.

………………………………………………………………..

After Chae Won’s parents gathered all their courage, they went to see her. Joong Ki was with her at that time.

“Chae Won, looked very happy today, isn’t?” her mother asked when they were looking at her and Joong Ki through the window.

“Because Joong Ki is with her. Her face looks brighter too,” her father answered.

………………………………………………………………

After getting permissions from the doctor, Chae Won’s parents sent Joong Ki and Chae Won to the nearby beach near the hospital.

“We will leave you two, okay? Call me when you two has done,” her father said.

Joong Ki nodded.

Chae Won approached her parents with the help of Joong Ki and she hugged her parents.

“Eomma, Appa, I love you. I love you so much.”

“Why are you saying like this? We will meet again after this,” her mother said while hugged her back.

“We love you too,” her father said while hugging both of them.

After Chae Won’s parents left, Chae Won and Joong Ki went to sit under a big shady tree.

“It’s beautiful, right?” Joong Ki asked her.

“Are you cold?” he asked her again.

He cuddled Chae Won tightly in his hand meanwhile Chae Won was laying her head on his chest.

“It’s beautiful seeing the sun set at the beach,” she said.

“Mmm.”

“Oppa, just like what you promised me, please do not cry again, okay?”

“I don’t know if I can fulfil the promise.”

“I love you. Meeting you in this world had really make my life felt so amazing and fascinating. I will have no regret leaving this world because I meet you. Thank you for meeting with me. I love you so much. I love you, Song Joong Ki.”

Joong Ki tighten his hand around her. “I love you too. Really really love you.”

“Oppa, I’m getting cold,” she shivered.

Joong Ki fixed the blanket around her. He rubbed his hand together and put in onto Chae Wons’ hands.

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Oppa. I really hope when I’m gone, you will meet a better girl than me and love her more than you love me, get married, raising your children together and watching your grandchildren playing in your house together with your wife. I will always look over you, your wife and your family from above. I’m sorry for leaving you like this.”

“Don’t say that. You didn’t do anything wrong,” his eyes started to water.

“I’m sleepy.”

“Do you want to go back to hospital?” he asked.

“No, let’s just stay like this for a little while. Can you sing a lullaby for me?”

“Okay” Joong Ki started to sing a song he knows.

We were in love, really
We liked each other, really
Felt like going crazy, felt like I’d burst, really

So let’s leave now again
I miss you again today
Because you remain in my heart and I can’t erase you, really,
I’m hurting like this

Because I love you, tears fall
Because my heart hurts, tears fall again
In case I lose you again, in case I lose you again
My two eyes only look at you

Look at me, who loves you
Because tears fall like this, because tears keep falling,
Even if I’m born again, even if I’m born again, it’s you

I said that I hate the start of goodbyes
But if I love again, if I miss you, really,
Can you come back?

(SJK – REALLY)

Chae Won was humming along to the song Joong Ki sang. Suddenly, her humming stopped.

“Chae Won-ah, are you sleeping already?” Joong Ki asked her,

“Moon Chae Won!” Joong Ki held Chae Won’s hand while shaking her a little bit.

“Chae Won-ah! Why your hands is so cold? Why are you not answering me anything? I’m gonna talk to the girl in Primary Six, wake up now and get mad at me. Chae Won! Wake up now, okay?! Please, I’m begging you. This year Christmas, I will give you the gift first, and I will get all what you want. Moon Chae Won!! Wake up!!! Please… I’m begging you… Please…. Please…. Chae Won-ah, say something….,” tears were flowed from his eyes without stopping.  

……………………………………………………………………….

That day, Chae Won left me while she was in my embrace. My life, my world had stopped spinning since then because she was my life. Everything that I do, I will always remember her. She had said to me to love another woman more than I love her, but I can’t. How can I love another woman more than her? What a selfish request from her. I will always remember the smile she always give to me, her sulking face when I , her laugh, her crying. How can I forget all that? I miss her so much. I miss Moon Chae Won. I miss her, I really realy miss her. When she died, myself too died. In the next life, I wish we will meet again and we will have that kind of an ordinary love which we will able to build a happy family.

The winter of my life had come and spring will not come back again. ~ SJK

THE END........