We had been fighting since the beginning. The fight started when I asked Min on our first date. Min said yes, but made it clear that we wouldn’t be alone. He had to be there. He was always there, even when I asked Min to move in with me. At the time neither of us were too happy about bringing him along, but Min said it was a package deal. “You want me, take him too.”

Thinking back, I still feel that same envy I always felt around at him. Handsome with wide expressive eyes that invited closeness, he was the one people gravitated to at first meeting. His charm and easygoing nature fixed others to him in a way my tight eyes and sometimes cold demeanor couldn’t. It never took long for people to pick their favorite and after that, they always waved at him whenever we arrived anywhere. Parties and get-togethers, he was the focus of conversation and good natured joking while I languished in the background. Honestly, it hurt but Min was always there, eyes begging me to be patient. So I waited.

I had to wait, because Min didn’t completely belong to me. As arrangements go, I had the better end of the bargain. Min was always with him, but loved me, needed me, made love to me. Sometimes on moonless nights when the house was dark and I didn’t see his reflection passing by in the hallway mirrors, I could imagine Min was mine alone and on those nights I dreamed of a life without him there, when I could walk the streets with Min on my arm and feel free and at peace. It was a selfish thought, but then my dreams were all I had while Min had so much more. A therapist was there for Min 3 hours a week to talk about the strangle hold he was placing on Min’s life, our life. And perhaps more shallow, Min found release in shopping, with every piece of clothing having an unwritten label saying, “For When He’s Gone”, even if most of them were already being worn around the house.

Every day I watched as Min’s internal freedom grew. The blossoming joy shone in Min’s face.Seeing it grow,  I ached for that feeling with everything inside of me. Even my role as Min’s comfort gave me less satisfaction while I continued to disappear whenever we went out with him, my presence dwindling to little more than an apparition. Yet with him gone, I could solidify my place, my rightful place by Min’s side. It was no surprise that I was anticipating the arrival of the pills.

Min started replacing his multivitamins with those little innocuous white pills. It was a discreet poisoning, but over time, I could see him fading. Things like the deep rumble of his voice started to wane over the months. His broad shoulders and chest transforming as muscle tone wore away. Soon Min began the isolation. For weeks he didn’t see anyone while Min and I cared for him, bringing him milk and heating pads for his aches. As each trace of him left I felt more of myself returning. Still, there was guilt there to accompany my happiness, knowing this was someone’s son that I was bringing to their end and the certainty that this road we were traveling on only went one way. Realizing that even after he was gone, Min and I could never acknowledge his existence or the role he had played in our lives, lest his memory destroy our future.

We made all the financial and logistical arrangements. While Min was in the hospital with him, I had movers boxing our things and shipping them to a bungalow halfway across the country, where neighbors would only know Min and Kibum. I still had a few last minute arrangements to make for our departure, so I couldn’t spend the evening at his bedside like I wanted to, but Min assured me that it would be alright. Still, I needed to be there that morning to hold his hand one last time. Entering his room, I saw him lying on the bed looking less like himself than ever, but with a tired smile that spoke peace. I approached him and leaned in while he whispered to me.

"When you wake up, he'll be dead." Minho held my hand and for a moment I was almost sorry. Almost. Yet this war had to end and he needed to die. I needed to live. Minjung need to be born.

Hey Guise. Please do me a favor and read the story one more time before you click the next chapter for the spoiler. Thank you.