Life is tough. It really is.These were the thoughts running through my head as I was waiting for the others in the practice room,with my earphones in.I was listening to Seoul Radio station when a certain news title caught my attention: I am not OK. I've heard about this movement before, which was militating for gay rights,genders equality and drastic changes into the government and the way justice way applied in our country. Honestly,if I'd been allowed I'd totally get out in the streets with a placard in my hands,screaming that I wasn't OK.Because I really wasn't.

Being gay or even biual in South Korea was a big sin,the biggest one.Apparently this 'kind' of people deserved to burn in hell for an eternity. Also the way most companies treated the female employees was degrading,humilating.Fortunately,Pledis wasn't like that.Maybe because it was composed mostly of young people with an open-minded way of thinking who weren't taken aback by a little skin showing through clothes or discussion regarding homouality or ual issues.I was grateful that I entered this company,at least I wasn't forced to fake anything between its walls or in the dorm.Being 3 gay men and 2 biual ones wasn't easy.The only one who knew from the very beginning that he's different was Aron.Soon after our debut he told us he's biual and proud and isn't planning on letting 'the Stone Age mentality' of this country to take away any of his human right,only because he has another ual orientation. And after his confession,we all started to 'feel' like we are different ,too.Almost like him being this relaxed and open about it gave us,the others,a push on accepting who we are.The next one to come out sort of was JR who admited he's biual as well.For me,Baekho and Minhyun things were a bit harder.I said that I was gay the first,basically because I've been knowing it since I was much younger.Girls never interested me,I was only seeing them as a companion for shopping sessions and maybe potential best friends,nothing more. While with the boys,that was a while another story.

Minhyun was the second to admit his same gender attraction,that making Baekho the only one left.We all have thought he's the only straight guy among us,simply because he was always chatting with random girls on online chats,flirting with them and whispering sweet words aimed to make the poor chicks fall 'inlove' with him.He was always talking about girls,clubs and how he would sneak one one day to start living the 'real' life.No one knew this behaviour of him was caused by me.Even I didn't know for a fairly long time.Apparently I was confusing him with my girly looks and he couldn't stand the tought of being attracted to another man.So he was trying to distract and 'straighten' himself up again with all those random meaningless flirts.This lasted until one day when I was being sick,with high fever and no one around to help me but him.I do still remember how worried and desperate he was,trying everything to make my fever go down and me feel better.He was resembling a cute puppy who wants to please his owner in any way possible.Finally,after he managed to calm me a bit,he sat on the edge of my bed,took my hand and kissed into my palm,having the most loving look on his face.His gesture shocked me in the first place,but then everything became cristal-clear.I finally understood why he was being cold with me at times,why he was trying to avoid me when I was freshly showered,why he couldn't stand seeing my bare legs or upper body.I was his temptention and he was my not-that-impossible-anymore secret crush. And for us,that day was a new beginning.

It wasn't long until our company discovered our little 'dirty' secret and Aron's and Minhyun's as well,as meanwhile they had became a couple,too. Our boss was surprised but not shocked,especially not in my case. They let us do whatever we want in between the 4 walls but demanded from us to keep up our very straight image in public. We all agreed to it,being more than happy that we weren't kicked out of the band or blackmailed.

However,we have soon found out that faking is not an easy thing to do.Acting flirty with a boy you don't even feel attracted to,let alone love was harder than we thought.Actually I was the only one in this situation because of this stupid JRen fanservice me and JR had to act on almost every time we were on stage.Baekho was dying with jealousy and I was feeling extremely uncomfortable,too.Even when the BaekRen pairing was on show,it wasn't any better,even worse. Acting all lovey dovey yet not being able to kiss or touch him the way I wanted to was killing both of us. That's why we often slipped,stealing loving glances of each other,touching the other when we thought no one could see us,basically risking everything we had.

But this was the price we had to pay for being still a part of this band,for being able to get our monthly paycheck and live the limelight life we were living.

That's why I was so determined to do something,anything for helping these people,but Pledis totally forbidden me from doing what SHINee Jonghyun did.I was so mad,why he could and I not? And the answer I received was dull and simple: he's from SM.

Even like this I still did something.No one said I wasn't allowed to retweet tweets with this tag on my Twitter,so that's exactly what I did.Fans showered me words of appreciation and they were saying they are proud of me,that finally celebrities speak up and express their minds.They were all hoping that our country will change and we will finally step up in the 21st siecle.This hope was giving me force to keep going and endure everything.That,the love of my sweet boyfriend and Lady Gaga's inspiring songs.

My toughts were intrerupted by my bandmates entering the practice room.Baekho helped me stand up and gently kissed me on the lips, my face.I smiled and took his hand,interlacing our fingers.I'll be quietly waiting for the day we'll be able to do that publicly,without fearing of people judgemental looks or nasty stares.We'll be patiently waiting to fully fulfil out love,this perfect love we had.We are waiting for a change.