I was just 3 years old that time. That day was the best day ever in my life. My mother was giving birth to a baby boy, soon to be my brother. My father and mother gave him name Bang DaeHyun. When my mother held him in her hand, I can see that he just perfect and beautiful. I just smiled brightly and said to my mother that I would love him with all of my heart. Mother just smiled and said how cute was I. My father just ruffled my hair.

As we grown up, what I felt for DaeHyun was not a brotherly love; it was more like love as ‘love’. I tried to keep it myself and ignore it. But it was getting stronger as he kept clinging on me.

“Hyung! Why don’t you play with me? Mom and Dad aren’t home, right? They won’t know if we play outside.” I only frowned in disagreement.

“Dae, You know you condition right? I won’t take any risk. So just stay home and we can play something you want.” I ruffled his fluffy hair. Daehyun had asthma and his condition was pretty bad and since it was winter, I wouldn’t risk anything.

“But hyung I want to play swing outside. I haven't played it like forever!” He pouted and gave me puppy-eyes. He maybe only 10 years old but I couldn’t resist those eyes. I just sighed and nodded. He jumped in excitement then dragged me outside while I took his scarf and clung it around his neck.

At the park he sat on the swing asked me to swing it for him. He smiled happiness. It made me smiled too. Then I realized that his happiness is my happiness too.

I still watched him still swinging until I noticed something wasn’t right. Daehyun clung on the swing and breathe heavily. I stopped the swing quickly and held Daehyun in my arms.

“Oh my god Daehyun! I shouldn’t have let you play! I’m so sorry.” I cried then pick him up on my back, piggybacked him. I run to the nearest hospital, luckily it wasn’t that far, only few blocks from the park.

In front of the hospital, I screamed for help. They run to me and brought Daehyun to emergency room, while a nurse asked me what happened. I just told her and she tried to calm me down by telling me Daehyun will be just fine when he got out from the emergency room. But I knew that he wasn’t okay and my parents would be real mad at me. The hospital had called my parents to come over here.

The first thing they did to me was slapped me. They kept repeating ‘How dare you! To you brother!’ sentences. The guilt just took over me. I just wanted to make him happy. I don't give a about my parents. We waited for almost one hour then the doctor came out and said that Daehyun was okay. He just told me not to bring him outside in the weather like this. I only nodded and asked for his permission to see Daehyun. He smiled then let me go inside. Daehyun sat there, smiled brightly at me. How can he smile like that to me who almost killed him? He stood up and run to me.

“Hyung! Thank you. You let me played the swing. I’m just happy!” he hugged me tightly. I wrapped my arms around him, crying silently and mumbled ‘I’m sorry’ over and over. He just shushed me and told me that it was not my fault. I didn’t realize my parents still standing there until father coughed. I looked up, still hugging Daehyun. They called us and told us that we were going home, meant I wouldn’t have my time with Daehyun alone. I could hear Daehyun just protesting silently. I giggled and wrapped my arm around him.

“Let’s go home, Daehyun.” He stayed silent. I sighed and pulled him closer while he snuggled on my chest.

In high school Daehyun didn’t really socialized with others, only Youngjae as his best friend. Daehyun often hung out with YoungJae. I felt uneasiness in this. But I knew I should let him go. It was wrong to love you brother right? And he would never love me back. Knowing Daehyun hung out with Youngjae that much, I started go out with some of my girl friends. We just met at home and said ‘hi’ to each other. He never smiled to me again. It was just like he forgot about me, about us. I just smiled bitterly at the thought. What really had I done? I didn’t even know.

Our relationship got worse when I heard that Daehyun was dating Youngjae. I knew this day would come and I couldn’t force him into anything, I just accepted their relationship. My parents even heard it and they were ing okay with it. They said it didn't matter as long as I was still straight and would give them grandsons. The hell I even straight. My parents really liked Youngjae. They kept repeating the same sentences every time we talked about Daehyun relationship with Youngjae that Youngjae really kind and he would take care of Daehyun and I should be like him to my women later. Until one day I couldn’t stand it anymore. I slammed my hand on the table and left them dumbfounded.

Later that day, I heard someone knocked my room’s door and let him/herself in.

“Ummm, hey Hyung. Are… are you okay?” did he just asked me if I was okay or not!?

“You know what, Daehyun? Just get the of my room.” I said it harshly.

“Hyu..Hyung. Why did you become like this? You keep distance with me. You even don’t take a glance at me being here! I just… just miss you, Hyung. I want my old hyung back.” He cried.

“You know what Bang Daehyun? This is who I am and there is no your old hyung anymore. Why don’t you just play with your kind boyfriend?” I said sarcastically. He suddenly hugged me tightly.

I really miss your hug, Dae. But I couldn’t let myself loved you more than this. I’m so sorry.

I shoved him until he fell on the floor then left him there, crying. I took my blanket and went out.

I walked alone in this cold winter. There I saw the park where I used to take Daehyun, where he collapsed because of his asthma. I just cried and cried. I was the one who made his life miserable. I should have just left him happily with Youngjae. Didn’t I realize that day in this park that his happiness was mine too? I’ve thought it over and over. I guess this was the right time to let him go.

The next day, I said to my parents that I wanted to move and lived on my own. They just agreed with me. That day I didn’t see Daehyun at all.

“Mother, where is Daehyun?”

“Owh! Daehyun is sleeping over at Youngjae’s house. I guess they are taking their relationship to the next step. I’m just happy for Daehyun!” she smiled at me. She was really happy of their relationship.

“Oh, Yongguk! You dad wants you to marry his business colleague’s daughter, maybe you should meet h…”

“Just arrange it. I don’t really care. Tell father I approve it.” With that I left her who was smiled happily then called her husband that great news.

Inside my room I could tell Daehyun finally didn’t stay at Youngjae’s house.

In the dining table I knew they would bring this up.

“I’m so proud of you, Yongguk. So don’t you want to meet your soon-to-be-wife?” my dad teased me. I shook my head.

“No, I don’t think it is necessary. Just arrange it all. You know I am busy with my moving over the apartment. They just ‘okayed’ me.

“So Daehyun, how about you?” my mother started to ask Daehyun about his relationship with Youngjae I believed. Just as Daehyun about to answer the question I interrupted.

“I’m done. I’m going upstairs.” My parents only nodded, meant they didn’t care.

I busied myself with packing the stuffs I would take to my new apartment until Daehyun barged inside my room.

“Hyung, please tell me what’s wrong? You really avoid me! And what’s with that arranged marriage? And about moving out from here? Do you hate me that much Hyung? What did I do? Hyung I just want the old you, really. I miss us.” He pleaded me.

“Dae, nothing’s wrong. I need time alone. That’s all.” I continued my packing activity.

“You shouldn’t be like this to me Hyung!” he hugged my back and cried.

“Then what should I do?” I answered him. He didn’t say anything; instead he turned me over and kissed me on the lips. I shocked and couldn’t process anything.

Bang Daehyun kissed me.

I broke our kiss. He just hung his head and stared the floor.

“Bang Daehyun! What was that!? For sakes you have boyfriend!” I was too furious. He stayed silent. I shook his body.

“Answer me!” I made him flinched. But that made him looked at me; still not in the eye.

“Hyung… I …love you.” His words just stuck in my head. Did I just hear him right?

“Hyung, I have loved you for God knows how long. But it just I couldn’t stand it anymore. You hurt me by all of the things you have done.” It even surprised me more.

“You know what, Dae? You are the one who is hurting me! Don’t you think I am not hurting by your PDA with Youngjae?” he looked at me surprised.

“So, Hyung… Do you love me back too?” I raised my eyebrow.

“WTH, Daehyun! I’ve loved you from the day you were born! And I admit it that I still am. But you still didn’t answer my question.” He was giggling like a girl who just got a confession from his first crush –or maybe he is-.

“Hyung! I just in relation with Youngjae because he wanted to help me to get you, but I don’t know that it will turn out like this.” I widened my eyes.

“You WHAT!? How dare you played my heart like that!?” I was really angry with him.

“I…I’m… so… sorry, hyung.” I sighed then hugged him, letting him snuggled in my chest. I couldn’t say I forgave him or I didn’t.

“Ummm, Hyung~” he sounded really needy.

“What, Daehyun?” I sort of glared at him. He just pouted.

“Let me sleep with you tonight?” he gave me that I-can’t-resist-those-smile smile. I stayed quiet and dragged him along to my bed.

“Hyung~”

“What again, Dae…” before I could finish my words, he shut me up with kiss. I started kissing him back. Then I felt he parted his lips, I inserted my tongue and explore his mouth. He kept that gave me a hard on. I started rubbing my body on his. I could feel our saliva dripping from our mouth. Then he broke our kiss.

“Hyung~ I want you.” He just blushed over his words. I looked at him seriously.

“Please hyung~ I need you… in me.” I began kissing him again.

My hand touched him.

I was in him.

We were making love.

He wanted me.

He loved me.

And that night was the last night we got together.

In the morning, I was just stupid. I didn’t lock my room. And they were there, looked at me furious. They yelled at me, told me that I was disgrace to their family. They put the blame on me, but it didn’t matter as long as Daehyun unharmed. My mother threw things on me while my father just kicked me out of this house. I quickly packed my things and met Daehyun.

“Dae, don’t blame yourself, please. I love you so much. Just promised me you won’t do anything stupid, okay? And I never regret anything we have been through all over this year. I just love you with all of my heart.” I kissed his lips for the last time.

The last thing I knew was I am in this preparation room, getting ready for my wedding that had been arranged with my parents. Even though they kicked me out they still planned everything for me. And about Daehyun, I don’t even know where he is. Even Youngjae don’t about his whereabouts.

“Yongguk, you should be ready! It will be started about 30 minutes.” Mother says it loudly. I just sit there remembering my day with Daehyun.

The ceremony begins. I stay on the aisle waiting for the bride. Maybe I don’t even know her name and I don't give a about it.

Dear my beloved

Bang Daehyung,

Wherever you are just remember that I love you with all of my heart and my life.

I hope you are happy and starting to forget about me.

I’m sorry I couldn’t give happiness for you.

I can only give my heart and my love with it to you.

I will not forget you.

I will not forget our memories.

I will always remember it even though it was a bitter or a happy memories.

I remember it.

And I always will.

With Love,

Bang Yongguk