Jongdae doesn't like Luhan, for various reasons, but there is only one reason that is really big. It's the fact that Kim Minseok likes Luhan... a lot. Jongdae knows why, because Luhan is talented, gorgeous, pretty, basically perfect, but Jongdae isn't. He knows he's not good enough for Minseok, he never will be, but still he tries and tries so hard to get Minseok to like him better. He spent numerous nights without sleep, crying and thinking about him. That one person, that one little quiet Hyung captivated him. Ever since EXO debuted, Jongdae liked Minseok, he's been liking him ever since he was a trainee. They spent a lot of time together, but that was all until Luhan showed up and Minseok spent more time with Luhan. He left Jongdae behind.

Everytime Jongdae tried to talk to his hyung or ask him to play a video game with him, Luhan would interrupt and Jongdae just smiled and nodded. Did he even have any other choice? Other than to nod and smile. He couldn't just say no and frown, he couldn't just confess his undying love for the shortie. He just couldn't. As much as it hurt Jongdae, as much as he wanted to tell and come out, he couldn't. Because the love he has for his hyung is forrbidden.

What hurts the most is, that Jongdae has to watch how close Minseok is with Luhan. He has to watch how they laugh together, how they joke together. How Minseok only looks at Luhan and how Luhan always looks at his hyung. At thoose times Jongdae wishes to cry because it's hurting his heart. Oh how much it hurts. If he could only tear his heart out of his chest, he would. Jongdae has to be around the lovely couple everytime, at the dorm, in China... everywhere.

The thing is nobody notices how broken Jongdae really is, because he always wears his mask and he only takes it off at night, when he doesn't sleep, when he cries into the dark winter nights. Nobody hears Jongdaes cries at night, because they think that Jongdae is alright. Jondae is the same as he always was, his own troll self who loved to smile and laugh. He likes it that way, he likes not being cared about, because what's the point of somebody caring about him when Minseok doesn't?

What's sadder about that is that nobody notices how Jongdae is losing weight, how he doesn't eat... They don't notice those things, because Jongdae is always ok. Because he always smiles and doesn't frown, he never does. All those things he's doing are because of Minseok, for Minseok to be specific. He wanted Minseok to notice him, to take care of him, but no matter what Minseok never noticed.

Jongdae knew how Minseok loves football, that’s why he watched football games on his computer several hours a night, he would do researches about football, because he wanted to impress Minseok, to make him like Jongdae. It didn't work. Nothing worked, no matter how hard he tried nothing worked. He wanted to scream, but whenever he would open his mouth, nothing would come out. Only chocked out cries of sorrow and hurt.

His heart hurt, his brain hurt, his eyes hurt, everything about him hurt. Nobody noticed, ever. Wich is better for Jongdae, because he only wants Minseok to care. He wants Minseok to hug him, to kiss him to tell him he cares and loves him. Even if it's for a day, he would want that, just so he could die happily. Because for Jongdae life without Minseok is meaningless.

˝Hey Jongdae-ah.˝ A familiar face came into Jongdae's view, he grinned as he saw the person. It was his favorite hyung, the hyung he loved oh so much.
˝Ah Hyung.˝ he chanted with a happy grin, but that almost vanished off of his face as Mnseok asked that one question that hurt so bad.
˝Did you see Luhan? We were going to go get some bubble tea.˝ Jongdae was still smiling, despite the fact that he wanted to cry so bad.
˝Ani. Ah I should go, see you later Hyung.˝ Jongdae said as he walked by Minseok with a smile, but once he was far away from Minseok's vision his smile vanished into thin air, like it was never there. He wanted to cry so bad, so he ran to the bathroom as fast as he could, because he was afraid he would break down and fall.

That's exactly what happened when he reached one of the bathroom stalls, he fell to his knees and cried silently, hoping nobody would hear him. And of course nobody did. That was the additional pain to his heart. Slowly he was beginning to wish somebody would care about him, but he knew nobody would and he kept crying. He wanted to stop, but damn did it hurt so bad.
After he finally calmed down his crying he washed his face and looked at himself in the mirror. Hah I look like crap he smiled at himself, putting his mask back on he walked out of the bathroom and got ready to perform.

The performance went great of course and EXO decided to celebrate, only Jongdae left and went back to the dorm, where he locked himself inside his room and stared at the darkness, feeling completely numb. He couldn’t cry anymore so he listened to the sound of rain falling and thunder. He just sat there, hugging his knees and listening.  Soon after his phone rang, but he decided to ignore it, knowing so well that it wasn’t Minseok. There was no reason to answer it.
A sigh escaped his mouth as he unlocked the door to his room and stepped outside, only to see Minseok and Luhan kissing. That broke his heart into pieces and for the first time Minseok noticed. At least he noticed me for once he thought with pain.

˝Jongdae-ah I can explain.˝ Minseok said afraid that Jongdae would tell everyone and Jongdae knew, but still at least he noticed. In return Jongdae smiled and shook his head walking out of his room completely and went straight for the door with a broken smile.

He stepped outside the block and let the rain soak him as he cried silently only this time he didn’t care anymore. About anything because now he knew that Minseok didn’t love him, so he ran away , he ran and ran until he couldn’t breathe anymore. He fell onto his knees onto the dirty wet ground, he cried and this time the scream finally came out of his mouth, he screamed in agony. He couldn’t take it anymore. It just hurt too much. He wished this was a dream, but it wasn’t and he knew it, he just kind of wished it was.

The next morning it was foggy and there was no traces of sun anywhere. Jongdae slowly dragged himself back to the dorm not caring if he looked like a homeless crying man. He couldn’t care less really. When he came back everyone was in the living room chatting and laughing. He smiled and walked inside the bathroom quietly, because he didn’t want to ruin their fun. He stripped off his clothing and stepped under the hot boiling water. It burned, but Jongdae didn’t care, It was exactly the pain that he needed to feel. After he showered he simply dried off and went to his room to get dressed.

He sat behind his desk staring at the white piece of paper. He took a pen and started writing down his confession, because he couldn’t take it anymore, even though he knew Minseok would reject him. Jongdae kept writing until he folded it and put it in his jackets pocket. He stepped out of his room and everyone looked at him, but he just grinned back at them.

˝What’s up?˝ He asked as he would every other day. Only this time everyone was frowning and their leader Joonmyun stood up and looked at Jongdae.
˝ Where were you last night? When we came back only Luhan and Minseok were here. You know you can’t just go somewhere on your own! ˝ Jongdae only smiled and shook his head.
˝It doesn’t matter… I was out. I came back and I’m fine so let’s just put that behind us ok? ˝ Joonmyun sighed at his dongseang’s words and sat back down.  Minseok looked at him and for the second time he noticed him, but this time he saw trough his mask. For the first time he saw how broken Jongdae really was, but the reason behind the broken Jongdae was unknown to his eyes.  Minseok could see the dried up tears on Jongdae’s cheeks.

Minseok stood up and walked towards Jongdae and pulled him to his room. Jongdae still had his mask up and acted confused, which he really was because Minseok never cared about him.
˝What’s going on with you Jongdae-ah?˝ Minseok asked with a hint of concern hidden in his voice. Jongdae knew he was caught and his smile disappeared.
˝Something I can’t change or get over it.˝ He sighed with sadness seen in his eyes.
˝And what’s that? You know you can trust me ne?˝ Jongdae only gulped and decided to spill it out and forget the letter completely.
˝You… It’s you hyung. I know what you’re going to say, but please hear me out. I know how this is going to end, but still…. It’s worth it right? ˝ Minseok looked confused but Jongdae continued; ˝Ever since I was a trainee I liked you, more than a friend should, but then Luhan showed up and you forgot me. Every time I wanted to spend time with you, Luhan would show up and you’d rather go with him. I learnt about football to impress you, maybe make you like me better, but it didn’t work. Luhan was and is always better than I am. I cried a lot, because I knew you liked Luhan better than me. I mean who wouldn’t right.˝ He laughed a choked sad laugh and continued; ˝ He’s perfect and I’m not good enough for anyone. And time passed by and I grew to love you, more than a friend should, but you love Luhan now and I know that… It was proven to me yesterday… I know you’d reject me… and you will… I know it because I’ve seen it, even though I pleaded that you wouldn’t be in love with somebody else, but you are…. And there’s no point of my life, because I already know that I won’t be able to get over you… I wished that there would be one day that you’d love me and hug me and maybe even kiss me, even if it was for a day… I thought that I could die happily… but I won’t… and I guess that’s just the way of life…. ˝ By now Jongdae was crying his eyes out starring at the dark, but blurry floor. He mumbled out between chocked cries; ˝Please don’t love somebody else… Please… I love you and It hurts….˝ 

Here it is! I hope you like it and yeah... I think I'm really good at angsty stories xD Anyways tell me what you think and yeah... There might be a sequel if you'll want it :)