Warning: Tao-centric, Unbetaed, OOC

THE SOUL VOYAGE

It was early autumn when the practice room started to get colder than usual. The song kept repeating for the past two hours; the bass was shaking the whole room. The scent of youth and heavy breathing filled the small room, suffocating each person in different ways. Within a few minutes, there was a loud thud on the wooden floor; revealing exhausted men altogether in defeat.

Huang Zitao was one of them. The brunette was panting hard, legs were numb and chest weight a ton. His clothes were fully soaked from so much sweat, shoes felt like they were burning from the heat.

This was not the first time and it was not the worst thing in the world. The martial artist had gone through many dancing practice sessions before and some of them were even worse than this. But somehow, he did not feel like putting his heart into the dance. No matter how the coach was screaming at the top of his lung, telling him to move along the rhythm, Zitao could not do it.

It was not like Yifan had no noticed Zitao’s distracted moves, but this also was not the first time that the brunette being moody in their practice room. In the past, the brunette purposely did it because he missed his parents. Yifan could not count how many times that the younger was in a bad mood because he fought with other members or simply was not in the mood. However, things like that were already in the past. Zitao hardly rebelled anymore and he was more mature than ever. The blonde found it intriguing that his friend was not being himself that day.

“What’s wrong?” Zitao heard the duizhang asked him when they were cooling down. The question sounded very weird for the brunette, because honestly, he did not know what was wrong. Nothing was wrong; everything went just normally. The martial artist woke up at five in the morning, did one hour running along the Han River, had his proper breakfast, called his parents and friends, went to the hair stylist to get his hair done, and finished the dance practice which lasted for five hours.

“Can I have a hug?” He requested to his favorite gege. Yifan knew something was wrong with the brunette, but he did not want to pry if Zitao was not ready to tell him the cause. The blonde opened his arms and let the younger jumped into his embrace. Just a little brotherly hug would not hurt, would it? “Now kiss!” Chanyeol screamed from the corner, teasing them as always.

“You wanna go shopping or something?” Yifan asked in a very concerned thought. “Umm, maybe just coffee.” The younger answered. The others took the hint when Yifan surrounded his arm around the martial artist’s shoulders. They would not be home for the next five or six hours when Yifan took Zitao out. And usually it would involve some serious shopping, non-active cell phones, and very angry managers.

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Zitao would not talk at all.

It was not like this was the first time for Yifan. Back then when they were trainees and the brunette was still in his first months, he would not talk at all even to Yifan who was his roommate. Zitao was known as ‘the statue’, he was hated by many trainees, for being the best new trainees, excelling in many classes, and for his aloofness. The leader realized that Zitao wanted to be comfortable to be able to warm up to people around him. Sure, the younger was not the friendliest, but at least he was sincere to other people around him.

“Something is bothering you.” Yifan asked, turning his head to the side where Zitao was lying next to him. They enjoyed lying down under the starry night of Seoul’s sky on the rooftop of the company. It was always quiet there and they could talk all night without being bothered by fans.

The brunette turned his head to his older friend, smiling, “It’s nothing. I’m just…exhausted.” Which was true. He was exhausted – drained. There were many things going on in his head and they gave him severe headache. Yifan tried to be an understanding friend, brushing the younger’s head in a brotherly manner. Zitao gave him a small smile, staring at the blonde.

“I’m sorry. I need to figure this out by myself. But if I go crazy because I think too much, will you save me?” the younger asked. As always, Zitao always had a little bit sense of humor, but the question held no joke for it was a commitment. “You know I’ll always save you.” Yifan answered to his friend.

A strong friendship and an unbreakable promise were the first two questions.

Huang Zitao loved Wu Yifan; as an older brother, as a best friend, but also as a man. The brunette had never given it an extended thought. He did not wish Yifan to return his feeling at all or wanted them to be in a relationship. His love was like the ocean, strong but calm. It did not force the love, but it delivered it, slowly little by little. Loving the blonde thought him how to share, to respect, and to hold back. Because Yifan was not his and so he learned not to be jealous whenever other people got his attention. At first there was this burning feeling inside his heart, ignited when he could not monopolize the blonde to himself, but he had learnt how to tame that flame.

Loving Yifan was so easy as if he was breathing the fresh morning air. Each day gave him new perspective and new things to appreciate. But that was not entirely true, sometimes it was more complicated than he thought. Inside the brunette’s heart, there was this unfulfilled need to be loved and desired. The urge was stronger than he had expected. It was frightening sometimes, that something that was so close was unable to be touched. It was like stars in the mid summer sky; they looked so close, but when you reached out for them, they disappeared before your eyes, escaping from your hands.

Zitao learned that love sometimes did not always mean to let go, but to keep and be kept. However, he did not want to push this feeling to the other man. He staked his heart in a one sided gamble, a gamble that that he might not win at all. The brunette was ready and he braced for it. But no matter how he had prepared for the worst, Zitao was just an inexperienced young man who was scared to be torn.

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One step back from the stage, Zitao turned his head to the furthest distance he had ever seen for the day. There were Wu Yifan and Park Chanyeol on his right side, casually talking to the fans, giving them fan service once in a while, leaning in so close. The fans were taking pictures and screamed at the same time. The brunette smiled and waved to some fans wh0 he had known from time to time, while hiding the sharp pang inside his heart.

Zitao had never been given a chance to speak freely on the stage. It was a concept for him whenever the twelve of them performed together. He was told that his Korean was not good enough for him to interact with his fans, so he should have just kept it quiet. The martial artist did not complain; it was true that his Korean was not as good as Yifan, Luhan, and Yixing. The brunette was awkward and made many mistakes in his pronunciation.

Huang Zitao had never been stood out as much as other eleven members. The brunette did not posses perfect features like Luhan nor had golden voice like Kyungsoo, Baekhyun, and Chen. All he could offer to the colorless sea was his face and his will to entertain. But those will soon run out as lack of self-esteem consumed him. The members fought for popularity all the time and Zitao felt small and alone, like fire turned into ash.

The young Chinese man grew tired of this routine.

“What are you doing dozing off on the stage?” the manager scolded him once they got to rest in the make up room. Zitao snapped back to reality, raising his head to meet the manager’s eyes. The brunette knew he did a mistake; he should not have let himself lost in thoughts on the stage. “I apologize, it won’t happen again.” Seeing how earnest the youngest Chinese was, the manager just sighed and patted his head affectionately.

Yifan glanced at the younger, concluding that something was definitely wrong with the cheerful Zitao.

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It was midnight and all the members were already in a deep sleep. Yifan was listening to the melody of sorrow with eyes wide open. Once in a while, his roommate shed more tears than he always did. Zitao did not need comforting words or gentle touch. All he needed was a friend to listen.

There was this comfortable proximity between them, where they did not need words to explain things, where their presence worth more than anything valuable in the world. Yifan would question nothing in when morning came and Zitao would tell everyone that the lack of sleep made his eyes red and swollen. Just one look and they would never discuss this anymore.

But that day was different. Zitao’s cry was silent, yet his broad shoulders were trembling. He let the younger climbed onto his bed, seeking for comfort. Yifan let him into his arms once again. Like always, he would not ask the reason of Zitao’s sorrow as he poured those crystal clear tears.

Yifan held him tight, hoping that the younger would soon fall asleep. The blonde did not know how to heal the wound that kept growing inside the brunette’s heart. If Zitao wanted to keep his heart shadowed by pain, Yifan would let him, because no one could escape from pain and sorrow, if he did not want to fight it himself. Instead, Yifan would always stand tall by Zitao’s side whenever the younger needed him.

Friends let each other tasted the bitter sweet of life.

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Yifan acted like nothing happened, waking up late in the morning just right after Zitao shook his legs. Breakfast was already served on the table. Kyungsoo was busy serving the members kimchi pancake. Junmyeon was brewing coffee, enough for those who wanted some of his best quality beans. Chanyeol was already telling jokes along with Baekhyun. The rest was busy eating or in the bathroom. Everything went so smoothly just like always.

Zitao was sitting on his usual seat, eating his breakfast quietly while staring into nothing. As soon as his eyes met Yifan’s, the brunette gave him another small smile. The older returned the same manner, sitting next to him quietly. He was worried for the younger, no doubt about that. However, Yifan knew that Zitao did not need pity and in fact, caring for him too much would only hurt the younger’s pride.

The youngest Chinese was not the star in the group of twelve people and he hardly made good friends with them. Sure, they were all getting along, but Zitao chose those who he could keep close and those who should stay out from his life. He was close to Sehun, because they were very similar. When Zitao looked at his Korean friend, he was actually looking at himself. Being timid, shy, and trying to fit in the group; that made them especially close to each other.

Being with Yifan was a whole different level. The blonde was his guidance, someone that he actually could look out to. Being friends with Yifan was painful and risky. Many fans hated them if they were seen together. They said he was too clingy around the leader. Some told them to quit EXO because he had no talents. Some even told him to die just because he and Yifan shared same clothes or accessories. Zitao had been receiving many death threats since the debut that he actually felt like those were nothing but empty threats.

But really,

If he did not hang on to Yifan for his dear life, he did not know whom he should do it with. No one would save him like Yifan did. No one would take him seriously like Yifan did. Had he known how to be strong, standing alone on this cruel entertainment world without getting his heart battered, he would let go of Yifan. But what do they expect from him? Zitao was new to the entertainment world; he was a child forced to grow up.

They did not know him behind the stage and they would not know for the rest of their lives.

“What are you guys planning for today?” Junmyeon asked after telling the kids that he might go visit his parents for a little while, before returning to the office for a Japanese class. Jongin and Sehun said that they would lock themselves to have extensive dancing practice. Chanyeol decided that he should hit the gym since his muscles were now soft. Chen, Baekhyun, and Kyungsoo said they would stay at the dormitory, playing games the whole day. Yixing and Luhan were discussing about drinking at lunch and it made everyone joked about it. Minseok said he would come with them too after Luhan forced him.

Yifan gave the younger a look, which meant that if he would go along with Zitao if the younger wanted to. But the martial artist seemed to have other plan, “I’m going cycling.” He answered with a subtle smile. The older immediately realized that cycling did not involve him. “I guess, I’m going with Chanyeol then.” The happy virus immediately offered a high five with the blonde.

They returned to their respective bedroom. Zitao was busy putting his stuff into his backpack. Yifan had noticed from his bed; the brunette put two big bottles of water, at least two t-shirts, and two pair of boxers. It was very typical of Zitao to bring those things since he would usually perspire after cycling and made a stop to change clothes. But it was cold outside as autumn hit Seoul earlier this year and the wind was not exactly friendly out there for cycling.

Yifan sighed. Then again, he was not sure what was in the younger’s mind. Zitao could be unpredictable at times.

“Yifan-ge.” Zitao called as he put a snack into his bag before zipping it. The brunette turned his head to look at the older. Yifan just looked straight back at his younger friend, waiting for him to continue.

“Don’t wait for me.”

There was something odd about that sentence. Somehow, it came a little bit as a warning that the younger might not comeback at all. The blonde tried to believe what he heard instead of his guts. He knew that Zitao would not do something as irresponsible as leaving the dormitory without the permission of managers.

“Okay. Comeback soon.” …to me.

Zitao gave him a slight smile, backpack on his bag, ready to go. Yifan walked him to the front door, waving his hand. The blonde waited until his younger friend disappeared from his sight.

Yifan yawned as he closed the door. The dormitory was peaceful and warm. It would be nice to take a little nap while waiting for Zitao to comeback from his little journey.

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Zitao barely cared about the fans who were chasing and screaming for him as soon as he went out from the parking lot. The first time he made it outside and pedaled down the slope, the youngest Chinese deeply inhaled the fresh air. The scent of freedom impaled his whole body, sending shivers to his spine and legs. He held tight on the handlebars, balancing the bicycle, adjusted himself on the saddle, and pedaled down some more, faster. The dimmed sunlight calmed him, but at the same time exciting as his little escape had finally started. The younger knew that there would be the end of his journey, but now his selfishness was unbreakable. It was a selfless decision to find answers and he would not turn back until he got them.

But where should he go? It was not like he had a particular destination or a place to stop. Afterall, he did not know many people in Korea and obviously did not know other areas except Seoul.

‘Oh well, to the east then.’

The stores he often visited with Yifan, the bubble tea shop he sometimes visited with Sehun, the café he always stopped by in the middle of the night with other Chinese members. Every corner of the street he passed by reminded him of what had happened for the past year. There were good and bad times, and it made him grew at some point. He treasured them all.

But before he turned back his bicycle to that direction, there was a place he had to visit; a place that marked the beginning of everything. It was not the office nor the airport, but none other than a river. It was cliché, really, and he did not know how many times he related his life in Korea with Han River, but it was the truth. It was the first time he saw the sparks in Yifan’s eyes.

The smell of adolescence. The smell of youth.

Zitao was young and naïve when he had just arrived in Korea. He was just another guy with a big dream, hoping to make it in entertainment world. The young man was not even sure how he could survive in the country he did know of. The martial artist did not understand the language; certainly he could not eat local food because it tasted different than the food his mom cooked for him; but more importantly the things he had to endure for being a Chinese was something he could not compare with anything.

The trainees were not exactly kind to him or ignoring him at the very least. They were brutal. The brunette got nasty names and sometimes it turned out physical as too pushing him against the locker and threatening him. It was not a big deal according to Zitao. He was not there to make friends; he was there to be debuted and entertained many people.

But one day he found himself crying after a practice. A hand reached out to him like an angel sent to earth. That hand was warm and firmed, a helping hand when everything seemed wrong. His heart was clenched tightly within a moment by someone he barely knew. The brunette knew his name, but never saw him that much around the office.  

Zitao did not intend to make friends, but Yifan forced him. Zitao had closed his heart ever since he stepped in this land, but Yifan opened it.

From afar, the brunette saw the basketball ring he always played with Yifan – and others sometimes. They used to spend their time there when they were stressed and it was always good to distract themselves by sweating.

‘Ah, good memories. I’ll take them next time, so we can play together.’

He stopped for a moment, parked his bicycle, and walked down the stairs. A smile plastered on his face.

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It was nine o’ clock in the evening and Yifan did not receive a single text or phone call from Zitao. Well, the younger usually came home late around eleven or twelve after practice and it was not like he could not take care of himself, but Yifan somehow felt that something was not right. No matter how late it was, the youngest Chinese would always send him a text or phone call. This time was slightly different since Zitao especially told him not to wait.

“Hyung, dinner’s ready.” Kyungsoo informed the older who was just thinking by himself in his bedroom. “Oh, thanks Kyungsoo.” Yifan smiled at the younger. The singer immediately noticed Zitao’s absence, “Where’s Tao?” the wide-eyed asked, making the EXO-M’s leader gulped. “He’s cycling. He’ll be back by midnight.” Honestly Yifan was not so sure anymore. Before he went out to follow Kyungsoo, the blonde texted the martial artist

‘Come home soon.’

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Zitao made a stop at Yangpyeong after leisurely spent his time around Han River and Paldang Dam for a few hours. Apparently, there was a bicycle trail for tourists as far as seventy kilometers and the younger was happy to see many people around without getting recognized. Zitao had always liked to observe people and he would not miss the opportunity to observe people on his way. Without noticing, it was dark already and he noticed those tourists went into a hotel.

The brunette realized that he could not stay in any hotels because he might get recognized or the agency would track him through his credit cards. Nah, it was not a big deal. He could sleep anywhere, even on the street if it was necessary.

It was eleven thirty and Zitao was exhausted and hungry. The last time he ate something was approximately six hours ago and he obviously skipped dinner.  The brunette looked around and saw the subway station, which was still open. He noticed a mini market and immediately parked his bike before heading there.  He bought some bread and hot coffee to warm up his body. It was five degrees outside and it got colder as the sky darkened. Finishing his meal, he started to wonder how should he sleep that night

Before Zitao stepped out from the mini market, he took turned his phone on. There were tones of messages from Yifan, obviously and also voice messages from managers. The youngest Chinese did not even bother to read the leader’s texts. He turned his phone off once again and put it back inside his bag. He knew that once he read those messages, he would have second thoughts. Nothing could make him tottered like Yifan’s words did.

Zitao walked to the station and heard the announcement that the last train had just arrived. The martial artist made his way to one of the bench just sitting down. Many people were rushing out from the train, most of them were businessmen and employees.

‘If I didn’t go to Korea three years ago, would I have to wear suit like that everyday?’

To be honest, Zitao did not mind. His father wore those kind of suits everyday to work and he was so used to it. The brunette had always thought that he would be a businessman when he was still a student. Who thought that he was now an idol?

‘If someday EXO disbanded, what should I do? I didn’t even go to college.’

The thought instantly scared him. Zitao realized that someday EXO might disband and he had to find another source of income. But he was not sure that he could make it in entertainment world. Being an office worker required a degree, but sadly the brunette did not enroll in education right now.

‘What would I be like in ten or twenty years? Maybe I’d have a wife and kids.’

Might or might not. Zitao knew exactly that he was not interested in women. No matter how he forced himself to like the opposite , it just did not work. Instead he dreamed about tall and muscular figure all the time – not exactly his type, but it just happened. The martial artist wanted kids though, maybe two, no, three – a combination of two boys and one girl. He would take care of them, making them breakfast and took them to their favorite places.

Zitao closed his eyes. A smile formed on his face as he imagined about that possible future. Slowly his lids were heavy and thoughts were clouded with darkness. It was slightly chilly, but Zitao did not realize it as sleep took him away from unfriendly weather.

Meanwhile not that far away from where the young Chinese had a serene sleep, the leader of EXO-M could not even feel sleepy. His eyes were wide-awake in anxiety as one of the youngest members had yet to come home. Yifan needed to think about something before the managers started to bombard him with questions. All of his calls did not make it through. The blonde had called the dojo and gym, but none of them confirmed that Zitao was there. The leader even called Zhoumi, Henry, Jia, Daeryong, and Seoryong to check whether the younger visited them earlier. None of them said yes.

“Yifan, what’s wrong?” Luhan asked, making his way to the kitchen with his empty glass. Honestly, Yifan did not want to make anyone worried, but if one of them went missing then the others needed to know. “Tao-er’s not home. He wasn’t at the dojo nor gym. He didn’t go to office. I called all of our friends and they said they didn’t see him.” The rapper said in a quick tone and Luhan immediately noticed how scared Yifan was.

“Did you check internet? Usually those sasaeng fans will say something.” Luhan approached the younger Chinese as he alerted that this might be a serious problem. “I checked every minute, Luhan. The last time was when he was around Apgujeong and made his way to Han River. It’s past twelve already.” Duizhang answered. The older Chinese patted his shoulder to calm his friend down. “We’ll tell Joonmyun and then Yongmin-hyung, okay? Calm down.”

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“Sir? Sir, wake up. Sir…”

Zitao stirred from his sleep then opened his eyes to find a police right in front of his face. It would be a lie to say that he was not scared. Zitao had never done a crime in his entire life.

“Sir, you shouldn’t be here at this time. You need to go home, okay?” alas, the policeman had a very kind face. He was rather old, with wrinkles around his eyes and the corner of his lips. The old man was smiling at the martial artist; a concerned look on his face.

Zitao did not know what to say. He was sleepy, tired, and hungry, plus he could not possibly continue his journey in the middle of the night. Honestly, the brunette was scared of darkness. “Do you need a place to crash the night, sir? You can go to the police station over there with me. There’s a sofa there so you can go to sleep. I’m going there myself since my shift is over.” The old man offered with a very kind smile. “Is it okay?” Zitao asked to confirm. “Sure. Let’s go sir. It’s dangerous here. Someone could rob your belongings or worst harm you. Come with me.” Zitao followed him from behind as the walked toward a small room at the corner of the station.

The young man was told to sit down on the sofa. Being sleepy, Zitao stared into nothing, trying not to sleep right away. “Here, have this.” The policeman gave him a glass of warm chocolate and a box of sandwich. Zitao’s black orbs lit up brightly as he saw food on the table. “Ca – can I?” the old man nodded with a smile. Within five minutes, the brunette finished the food, feeling satisfied.

“Why are you sleeping at the station young man? Did you run away from your home?” The old man asked after Zitao gargled quietly, trying not to choke his food out. Zitao shook his head eagerly, “I’m just having a small trip by myself, sir. And thank you for the food.” The young Chinese bowed to the older Korean.

“Call me Choi, Choi Soeun. And you are?”

“It’s Huang Zitao, sir. You can call me Tao.”

“Oh, I was wondering because your pronunciation is slightly odd. So where’s your home?” The policeman made Zitao another hot chocolate.

“I live in Apgujeong sir.” The brunette bowed once again once the old man handed him his mug.

Mr. Choi sat in front of Zitao and with a smile, he asked, “Why are you in a journey, Tao-ah?” The old man asked. The brunette found his body stiffened right away at the question. He looked at the puffy white steam from his hot chocolate, wondering why indeed.

“Honestly, I don’t know. I’m just…trying to find answers or just figuring things out. I’m not so sure myself…” There was this comfortable silence between them. Surprisingly, Zitao did not feel awkward around the old man.

“You’re young, son. It’s okay if you give yourself time to figure things out. In fact, even until we’re old and rotten, we’ll always try to find answers. That is life; trying to solve the puzzle, patching the holes, or else life doesn’t mean anything.” The old man said casually, trying to say things in a simple way for the Chinese young man. “But don’t go too far nor lost while you’re on your way, because there’s always someone who’s waiting for you at home. Sometimes, the answers that we’re trying to find are actually in the closest place to us.” Mr. Choi continued, sipping his hot coffee.

Zitao wondered if the members were waiting for him.

“I’m going to continue my shift now. You can get some sleep here.” The old man got up and brought back a thick blanket for the martial artist. “Ah, thank you, sir.” he said to the older man. Mr. Choi smiled before he left for his patrol.

That night, Zitao’s head was too heavy to think.

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Not a bloody single wink. Yifan was waiting for the managers to come to dormitory. Luhan had forced him to at least lay down for a bit, but the leader just could not rest when their member was not even at home. Moreover, Zitao was his roommate. It was too awkward to sleep alone in that room without the younger talking selcas or mumbling nonsense.

“Kris, any news from Tao?” Seunghwan arrived first, walking toward the rapper with loud thud. It was six in the morning and the dormitory was already in such chaos. “Not at all hyung. His phone’s off, he doesn’t reply my texts. I called literally everyone, his parents included. No one knows.” Duizhang answered, frustrated and exhausted. “We can’t call the police and don’t let anyone besides you guys find this out. I’ll talk to other managers. You go wake the boys up, we are scheduled to practice for two hours.” Seunghwan tried to calm down and think.

Of course during breakfast the boys were asking about Zitao and Yifan had no other choice than to tell them that Zitao went missing. They were worried, but somehow knew that their brother would come home in no time. Zitao knew his limit and was very responsible after all. However, Yifan could not even stop thinking about his younger friend and his whereabouts. He just wanted to see the brunette as soon as possible.

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Before the sun got brighter in the morning, Zitao was ready to go. He left a note to Mr. Choi who was in his last patrol around the station for the day. The brunette quickly pedaled his bicycle before the old man could find out. On the way, he saw the tourists who were biking with him yesterday, but this time Zitao did not follow them. The young man followed where the wheels would take him.

His hands were freezing, but the back of his neck started to sweat so much from the exercise. Being free, away from home, and to finally have a personal space was the ultimate freedom. But what was the real freedom? Was it to left all of things you had behind? Was it to be away from those who love you unconditionally? Was it to go away from those tiring daily activities?

But Zitao knew what had he signed for.

The moment he signed the contract with SM Entertainment, he was told the consequences and consciously knew that this would happen. Being busy with no time to enjoy life as much as other guys in his age. He would have to wake up early everyday, put make up, go to rehearsals and practice; all he understood very well.

‘Why do I feel so suffocated then? I enjoyed it back then, but now…’

This was the path he had chosen for his life and certainly the brunette had no regret. But he had to find a reason to hold on, soon. Zitao kept riding in the same pace, tightening his handle, and as he blinked once, the memories of not far away past were flooding him

The same smell of sweat and the sounds of footsteps. His back touched the flat ground, Zitao saw the bring lamps on the ceiling. Practice, as usual, was tough for him who was only in the company for a couple of months. By this time, the martial artist had finally mastered quick steps, but it was not enough. He had to be more than just ‘good’. Huang Zitao had to be perfect.

“Shall we get some drinks?” Yifan, a fellow trainee asked. The older had become close to the younger in no time. Yifan would call Zitao a friend, but the latter would call him a guardian.

“Do you always have to be this tired all this time?” Zitao half whined. It was still amazing to him how his older friend could hold on for such a long time. Some of the trainees even stayed longer than Yifan and that was just impossible for the brunette. Although Zitao considerably had good stamina from all the martial art he did since he was young, dancing brought exhaustion to another different level.

“You’ll get used to it soon. The most important thing is that you have to enjoy it. If you do, you’ll forget how tiring it is.” The brunette’s older friend answered, giving him a can of orange juice. Zitao, however, did not find that answer very satisfying. In his perspective, Yifan was not really good at dancing, but every time the older danced, he looked like he was so into it. He envied that passion, burning in Yifan’s eyes.

“We’ll dance together next time, on the same stage. So you have to be excellent. Soon.” Yifan said as if it was going to happen. Zitao was a new trainee, while Yifan trained longer. Of course they would not have their debut together.

Zitao looked puzzle, but also slightly annoyed at the older’s confidence. “Don’t you know? We’re going to debut in the same group. Didn’t the managers told you?...Ah, right. They’re supposed to tell you tonight after dinner.” The martial artist could feel his whole body stiffened in shock. His eyes widened and his mouth gaped. Yifan chuckled at the sight, but immediately brushed his younger friend’s hair.

“Didn’t I tell you? I’ll never leave you.”

It felt warm as he remembered the way Yifan repeated that promise. Zitao remembered all the promises he made on the day he left Qingdao to Korea. He recalled the expression his father made when they were in the airport. His father was against him being an entertainer.

Mr. Huang was always the conservative one, hoping that his only son would be a good doctor or lawyer. They came from a well-off family and Mr. Huang just wanted Zitao to be a successful person conservatively. On the other side, he knew how reliable his son was. His son took a part time job to experience how hard it was to earn money. Mr. Huang admired that part of him, but never he thought that Zitao wanted to be a singer. But Zitao promised his parents,

“I’ll make my own decision and I’ll be responsible for what I do. I’ll always respect you and I’ll never feel thankful enough for everything you did for me. But now, it’s time for me to take care of you and I want you to let me do that.”

Now there was no turning back. As a man, he had to keep the promises he made to his parents. The reason why he stayed in Korea, despite all the hurdles and obstacles, was to cherish his parents’ trust. And Yifan’s words bring that motivation on fire once again.

Zitao had to remember in order to respect all the people he loved.

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Yifan could not think straight for most of the time. Chanyeol and Baekhyun had been trying to distract the leader with jokes and food, but the blonde would not respond. Even if he did, his response was rather sour. Yixing and Luhan were also worried, but they still reassured duizhang that Zitao would definitely comeback. Sehun had been texting his best friend endlessly, hoping that the brunette would reply his texts soon.

The managers informed them that they would start looking for Zitao tomorrow and also announced that the youngest Chinese was missing. It annoyed Yifan to no end, knowing that the managers’ plan was not really clear and structured. The younger barely understood complicated Korean, what if he got lost and hungry? Where the hell did he sleep last night? Why no fans noticed him at all? Why the managers did not report to the police and did a private searching? No matter how Yifan complained to the managers, they would not listen to him and end up shrugging him off.

It was that afternoon, right after practice that Yifan found himself lying down while staring at the empty bed next to him.  Zitao could not have gone that far with bicycle. Yifan shut his eyes for a while, trying to think about the possible places that the younger would visit when he felt troubled.

“Ge, if we’re really rich in the future, where do you want to buy a house?” Zitao suddenly asked, hair was no longer tidy as the wind blew really hard. Yifan chuckled at how ridiculous Zitao looked just now. “Maybe Shanghai? In Pudong area? I heard houses are so expensive there.” The blonde answered without a lot of thoughts. In fact, he had not been thinking about buying a house.

Zitao did not respond and Yifan was staring at his younger friend. The brunette’s expression was peaceful as he was listening to the waves. “I’d buy a house near the beach, so I can listen to this sound everyday.” The blonde noticed how distant his eyes were, like looking further into the future, absorbed in it. Zitao had always favored beaches more than any places; it was no surprise that the younger wanted a house near the beach.

“It’s decided then! I’ll visit you in the future.” Yifan said with excitement. Zitao shot him a wide smile. “Why don’t you live with me, ge?” the younger asked innocently. The older almost choked in laughter by that question. Instead of saying that they would probably part ways in the future, Yifan said,

“Okay.”

Naksan beach.

It was the place where they were talking about the future last time. The trainees went there so many times for vacations. Undoubtedly, Zitao fell in love with the scenery and how quiet the place was. The beach was located in Gangwon, probably around five to six hours from Seoul. But was Zitao really there? That place was too far away, especially with bicycle. No, the younger could have taken the bus to that place. It was not that difficult to get there, considering that they visited the beach several times before.

Yifan got up from his seat and ran to the managers’ bedroom. The blonde had a feeling that the younger somehow would be there.

“Hyung, I think I know where he is!” the leader barged into the managers’ room. “Really? Where is he and how do you know?” Seunghwan asked, approaching the EXO-M’s leader. Yifan gulped once before he answered, “Naksan beach. We were talking at that time and…I don’t know I just know he’ll be there.” Seunghwan looked like he did not believe the blonde at all and Yifan was getting worried that he would not be able to assure the managers.

The leader put his big hands on his manager’s shoulders, “Let me go there. Let me pick him up. Trust me. I know him more than anyone.”

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After one hour-long bus trip, Zitao finally stopped by Gwangjin District. The brunette bought the next ticket to continue his journey to Yangyang, Sokcho, which would be his last destination.

While he was in the bus, he talked to a very nice girl around his age who was about to visit her parents in Gwangjin. Having this opportunity to get to know the location, Zitao asked whether the area had good attraction. She said that around Konkuk University, there were lots of shops and restaurants. The brunette decided to go there, of course with disguise. He put his ugly hat, thick scarves to cover his nose and mouth, also not so extravagant clothes.

Zitao found a very quiet restaurant, so he went in and had the best meal since the last fortyeight hours. The brunette decided just to take his time. He had an hour and half before the next bus, so he could walk around the area for a little bit.

Most of the people around Konkuk University were guys around his age. Zitao wondered if he did go to university instead of continuing education. Well, getting higher education was not exactly his league. Not that he hated studying; he just did not into it. Although his parents were wealthy enough to send him abroad to study, Zitao had chosen different path in the end. The brunette wanted to do something that he was passionate about.

‘If I studied, I wouldn’t have met my brothers…and Yifan…’

Zitao smiled as he kept walking around the area. It was not news to him that there were many couples in Korea. It seemed that every corner was filled with couples, holding hands, laughing together. This was not the first time that Zitao was slightly jealous about having a partner.

Back then, he did not really think about having a significant other, not exactly in love with anyone. The brunette thought that he was only attracted to Yifan because of his features and kindness. It was only normal that to be attracted – without having a feeling. But as time passed by, Zitao realized that this was not only an attraction, but more than that.

The youngest Chinese could not exactly explain why he could fall for the tall, blonde figure. Seeing Yifan face to face made his heart felt small. Sometimes, when there were no cameras around, he found it was hard to stare into those dark orbs. He felt the heat crept to his cheeks.

It was uncomfortable around Yifan

It was so hard to control himself, trying to suppress the feeling that he had. Trying to act like a good friend or a good younger brother, when Zitao knew exactly what he wanted from Yifan. It was uncomfortable when their hands touched accidentally because his heart did not know when to stop.

Huang Zitao honored his self-composure and Wu Yifan’s presence did not help to preserve it.

The love he had kept flowing like a down poured rain in the summer. Sometimes Zitao find it hard to contain his feeling any longer, everything seemed to be a burden on his shoulders. It was even hard to realize that his feeling might not be returned in the same manner.  Zitao chose to live in his own world, locking himself away from the reality. That way, the brunette would not get hurt or disappointed. That way, he could protect his heart. Because that was how his heart worked; it was too fragile to take anything hazardous like unwanted love. Zitao would never be ready to fall in love with Yifan; not now, not in ten years, not even in a million years.

Zitao shrugged it off; those feeling of being wanted and love thoroughly. It was too complicated for him like unresolved puzzle that missing its pieces.

‘I’m coming for you. Wait for me.’

Zitao stopped as those words resonated in his ears suddenly. He looked around and no one seemed to know him. The brunette knew exactly to whom that voice belonged. It belonged to the man he loved. Was it always like this? Was it always this deep? Was he getting delusional?

Zitao did not know why he turned and walked back to the bus terminal. He had to go to that place soon.

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It was about three and half hours later that Zitao finally reached his destination. The brunette smiled when the driver handed him his bicycle. He could smell it; the smell of ocean, the smell of sand. The martial artist pedaled down and made his way before it got dark outside. On the way, he stopped by to buy fireworks and lighter, which the local store sold. Usually, fireworks were only available during summer, but they always had some too in other seasons. He immediately headed to the beach again, even faster this time.

Like a little child, Zitao ran to the beach, screaming happily with fireworks in his hand. He lit one up and playing with it excitedly. He made a circle and then moved the fireworks as if he was writing his name with it. Zitao suddenly remember, that he used to do it with someone and not alone.

“No, ge! Stop! I don’t want to get hurt! Acck!!” Zitao screamed when Yifan scared him with the fireworks, chasing him here and there. The younger tried to avoid, sometimes fought back, but mostly ran away making funny screams. They kept doing it until they fell down many times and their clothes were sticky with sands. Their fire works ran out and died immediately after they fell onto the soft sandy ground for the last time.

“Ge, it’s dark!! Lit up something, it’s scary!” the younger complained, being afraid of anything dark and scary. Yifan giggled, trying to scare Zitao who was right next to him, clinging in frighten. “You don’t have to be scared. Here, let me hold your hand.” The older grabbed the younger’s hand so suddenly, it surprised the latter. The brunette did not complain though. They were just there, watching straight to the sky above them. Zitao thought in his mind that he could live with this for his eternity, despite how uncomfortable it was. He did not know Yifan thought the same.

The brunette’s smile faded because the loneliness started to know his sense back. Zitao had grown to endure being in the dark alone by himself, but he could never learn being all by himself without the familiar face, figure, and comforting scent of Yifan. The younger sat down, feeling no longer excited. He lit another firework, but this time he was just staring at it.

‘Do you miss me? Do you think about me when I’m gone?’

But Zitao did not have more confidence to the possibility of ‘yes’ as an answer. Yifan was always the leader who cared for everyone. The one who always fulfilled his duty as a duizhang. Even if Yifan was worried, he might only feel so because Zitao was a part of the group and nothing else.

‘I miss you. I’ll go back to you soon…’

He muttered inside his heart, trying to hold back the longing. Zitao wanted to go home, back to Yifan’s secured arms to his consoling words and to his gentle palms; with the blonde, all the sadness and happiness worth more than just simple words and he showed Zitao the true world, along with its bitterness and sweetness. And there was no better place in this world than being at home.

“Zitao, is that you?!” the brunette was startled and the ash of his fireworks quickly dropped onto the ground. Twenty feet away from him was a tall blonde figure with his bicycle on his side. Yifan was also startled, but then his eyes filled with so much anger as he stomped towards the younger Chinese.

Yifan slapped him on the right cheek, not enough to hurt the younger, but it really shocked the latter. Before he could even touch his own cheek, Zitao was comforted with a suffocating hug. Both of the leader’s arms were tight around his waist and Zitao could feel the other’s hot breath.

“I was so worried!! You scared the hell out of me!” Yifan’s voice was trembling. Zitao relaxed in his embrace, recalling the feeling of being in these arms. The younger placed his hands on the leader’s chest and buried his face against Yifan’s shoulders.

“Thank you for coming.” Zitao mumbled. Yifan did not reply, but he appreciated it by hugging him tighter. They stayed like that for a while until the older released his arms and cupped the younger’s cheeks. “Are you okay? Sorry I slapped you.” The older gently caressed the place where he slapped the younger. Zitao shook his head and gave him a smile. Yifan returned it with an apologetic smile, before taking the younger’s hand. “We need to find a place to stay the night. Last bus from here is at six. It’s past eight already. Come on.”

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The place they stayed at was a small motel near the beach. The place was cramped with tiny shower and a bed that they had to share. Yifan did not question why the younger just left without news and Zitao was glad that he did so. No matter how close they were, there were certain things that the brunette could not share and the older knew his limit. Yifan would not ask until Zitao told him the reason.

“How do you know I’m here?” the younger asked to the man in front of him. Yifan was sitting on a chair opposite from the bed, meanwhile Zitao was sitting on the bed. “I don’t know. I just…know, somehow. I was thinking of possible places that you would visit and suddenly it just came to me.” The older answered. The brunette did not really know how to reply, so he just sat there, being quiet.

So would he just sat there with the love of his life sitting in front of him doing nothing? Would Zitao just go home and act like he did not run away from the dorm? The answer he just heard was not enough to satisfy his curiosity. How could Yifan just find him like that? Why would he pick him up to this place, which was far away from the dorm?

Zitao found everything was too heavy on his shoulders. But he did not know what to say or where to start and it was so frustrating.

“Don’t go away without telling me again, okay? The others are worried too.” Yifan said after an awkward silence. “I’m gonna take a shower.” The older said before heading to the bathroom. But Zitao’s movement was so quick as he rushed and stopped Yifan half way. His arms were tight around the older’s waist.

Yifan was startled and he swore that his heart stopped beating for a few seconds. Zitao realized what he just did and immediately released his arms from the leader. “I’m sorry, I’m ju-“ before the martial artist could finish his sentence, it was Yifan who embraced him.

“You get it right? I don’t have to say it, but you understand right?” the leader’s voice was desperate. Zitao found it harder to breathe when Yifan asked such question. The younger did not have enough confident to assume that it was indeed a confession. But…

He was just Huang Zitao who was not that good in singing or dancing. He was just the youngest who always acted childish, selfish, and emotionally unstable. Huang Zitao was not a woman with long hair with lithe body and smooth skin. He did not even think that he deserved to be loved by someone like Yifan. He, who dreamed of being held by another man, he who wished that he was a woman.

He was just a Huang Zitao.

“Is that okay? Can I take it as a confession? Will I be enough for you?” the brunette heard himself saying what was inside his mind out loud. Yifan was smiling at him, holding Zitao even tighter. “You’re more than enough for me. You’re perfect.” The leader replied, before leaning down for a kiss. Zitao did not know how to react or what to feel. But that was love, was not it? It made you stop thinking and let you acted according to your instinct. It was painful, but also pleasant.

The younger brought his arms around Yifan’s neck and pressed his lips harder, returning the kiss in the same manner. It was not the perfect kiss; their teeth bumped all the time and they did not move in the same rhythm. But Zitao liked how they were not perfect at all. It made him realize that he did not have to be perfect to be loved. He just had to be Huang Zitao to be loved by Wu Yifan.

They broke the kiss, giggling to themselves before resuming their sloppy kiss. Yifan grabbed Zitao’s coat and took it off from him. The younger did not complain when the older pushed him slowly until they were both fell onto the bed without breaking the kiss. Yifan pressed his waist against his friend’s. Zitao moaned into the kiss when he felt the leader’s arousal. It was then when the older broke the kiss.

“Be my boyfriend?” the blonde asked. Zitao, lips all red and swollen, grinning at the older. “Yes.”

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“Ready?” Yifan asked, fingers laced with his boyfriend’s. That afternoon, they made it to the dormitory. The leader had warned the youngest Chinese that the managers would probably beat him up for violating the rules, but it did not matter to Zitao. He could take one or a hundred punches. He could take being screamed at or being punished.

Inside, his friends were waiting for him and they would go to exhausting practice, day and night of recording, and endless shooting. And to the brunette, those activities he did together with EXO members mattered the most. The younger held the leader’s hand tighter before he nodded. Yifan smiled and opened the door for both of them.

Huang Zitao was finally home.

A/N

I really like Han River + bicycles...like really really like them. I have no idea what I'm doing...I kinda lost memory when I wrote this. Comment? and thank you for reading this crappy story :P