A new morning, but it felt same to me. When I opened my eyes and looked to the side, your presence who usually looked like beautiful angel and made my life complete, wasn’t here. There was some gone, there’s some empty. And instantly, as usual, there’s hurt feeling appeared and lingering in my heart. I had my own habit to ‘cure’ this ‘illness’. When I took your photo (that already turned to yellow due how much time had passed), then I saw that beautiful smile, and I kissed it with longing feeling. I’d said,

“ Good morning, Hyesungie”. Then, I stared again to your pretty face and tried to remember all memories I’ve been through with you. Still felt like yesterday, when you came to my apartment and decided you wanted to live with me. Also, it felt like yesterday when you told me that all your decide was wrong and, left me…

10 ten had passed, and you disappeared without words. Like your sudden depart and only left me piece of paper on the table. For 5 years, I tried to looking you, called you via handphone but never connected. Tried to write hundred messages to your e-mail, but never sent. A big question that always hung in my mind until now and never got the answer from you. Why? Why did you left me? Did you hate me? Did I make big mistake to you? Did you felt disgust to me?. Then, all that questions had increased, “ Are you happy without me?”, “ Do you still love me?”, “ Do you feeling sad now?”, “ Are you…still alive? even without me?”, in fact it’s difficult to live without  you. Each of my day was scary day, I never found happiness after your departure. Some of my friends tried to comfort me, but none could make me smile but you. When I breathed, everything was heavy. To live without you was hard. I even didn’t know why I still alive ‘til now.. Perhaps inside my heart there was some hope to meet with you.. yeah… maybe I had to live ‘til I found you…

I got off from my bed, and walked to bathroom to wash up. All my bath equipment smelled like strawberry, your favorite fragrance. Although I didn’t like it before because too sweet, but eventually I got used and you could say… I couldn’t escape from this fragrance. Because of this fragrance always reminded me of your scent. Hha… Shin Hyesung.. even your scent became addiction to me…

**

Today was sunny Sunday to most of people. But for me, the sunny day was when you here, beside me. Without you, all my days were gray…

I exited from my apartment and brought my DSLR. Being photographer at local magazine was my job, beside sometimes I’d wrote some article in local newspaper. If I just followed my own thought and desire, I didn’t want to work or do anything. I could stay all day at my room, locked myself, alone. Until people would found me…with my soul already left my body. But once again, I wanted to continue to live in order to one day I could meet you. To work, I could get money and bought some food. To work, sometimes I’d forget you for a while, although only just for few hours. Shin Hyesung, did you know… sometimes I felt you’re scary person. In instant you became a poison which ready to kill me, but in other side you’re my reason to live..

I walked through Han river. In this sunny morning, Seoul citizen came alone or together with their mate, friends, or their family. Quite crowded, and I found some children who were playing throw ball with their parents. If 8 years ago I married, maybe I already had cute children like them. I smiled and aimed my camera lens to the one who was chasing the ball. This month theme on my magazine was about children. Like or not, I must found the place always visited by children and their family. When I was checking the pictures I took, I felt a ball landed on my head. Immediately I got dizzy and wanted to scold who threw that ball, until I saw little girl, with her cute ponytail, ran to me and bowed to apologize.

“ Uncle, please forgive Ji Eun.. Ji Eun threw the ball accidently and hit uncle head..”

How could I scold this little girl who looked at me with her puppy eyes and that glistered teary eyes. I smiled and took the ball that under my foot. I squatted down and gave her the ball. This little girl looked so cute and in glance she looked like someone I knew before.

“ This is your ball, Ji Eun. Next time, you should be more careful, OK?” I said slowly as I ruffled her head.

“ Yes, uncle. Ji Eun will be more careful. Thank you so much, handsome uncle!” her cheerful voice made me smiled, very big. Ah… since when I wasn’t smiled sincerely like this.. Was this girl an angel?

“ Ji Eun-ya!” I heard a man voice from behind and foot step approached me.

“ Appa! Ji Eun success get the ball!!” Ji Eun waved with her bright smile and showed off her ball up.

I stood up and intended to greet the person behind me who called ‘appa’ by Ji Eun. If he was her father, it wasn’t big deal if I scold him a bit.

“ Ah! I’m so sorry! I was throwing that ball bit hard so hit your head. Are you okay?” that man asked me.

He asked was I okay?? My head hurt like hell! I lifted my head to saw the man in front of me now, until when our eyes met… I could feel my heart stopped beating for few seconds and made my blood stopped flowing. My hands getting cold, my breath choked, and perhaps my face paled like the man face in front of me. Hah! The world must had been toying me now! Fate was laughing at loud to see me.

I felt my world stopped turning, time stopped walking, and people around me disappeared.

That face, the face I was longing for a long time. With his slender body, with his silky hair and always styled, with his rose petal lips, that chubby cheeks, v line chin that made him looked more gorgeous… I remembered all..

“ Hyesung-ah…”

**

15 minute had passed, and we still sat in silent at the café nearby. No one of us wanted to start the words. The coffees we ordered before, untouched and already cold. I stared at him, tried to make sure the man who sat in front of me was the one I wanted to meet for this years. But damn.. he didn’t looked at me, but looked at Ji Eun who currently played at kids corner in this café.

I let a long sigh, and I still bit breathless, my chest hurt. This is the worst meeting I never thought before.

“ Hyesung-ah…” I wasn’t realized that I was the first broke this silence.

He turned to me and stared. No Hyesung… I needn’t that clod gaze… please gave me your warm gaze like before..

“ Coffee.. your coffee is already cold…”

He looked down at his cup and sipped the liquid slowly. I did same.

“ How have you been?” Hyesung asked without looked at me.

You asked about my condition? After you left everything were got worse! “ As you can see… and you?”

“ More than good… even better than you”

I let a faint smile… Yeah.. you must be better than me. I didn’t find black eyebag on your perfect face. Different from me.. Everynight I couldn’t sleep, if I slept, I got nightmare..

“ Eric…” I missed Hyesung called my name. But.. not with this tone that made me felt worse. I studied his expression and guessed what did he want to say. His face seemed hesitant and bit anxious. But, I could see he tried to calm himself.

“ That girl name is… Shin Ji Eun..” instantly I realized by the fact in front of me. From the beginning I guessed…about that little girl. I never expect, all my doubt and fear about that thing would came from your mouth. And your gaze still same, cold.. but looked sad. Were you sad because you would tell me about it? Or were you sad because you saw my lost expression? Yes..my heart hurt.. and suddenly my word spinning like crazy. I really knew what would you tell next. But, I tried to calm myself... hoped this was just one of my nightmare and I would woke up soon.

“ She is…my daughter..” and right now, I wished my heart stopped beating. Because everything were too painful… even I didn’t knew what should I do. At this moment, I felt my love for this 10 years to wait him was a vanity. How could I wish he would come back to me. Return to me with his bright smile shined my world, back with his love that everything to me.

I felt my body trembled, and..there’s stream of water flowed from my eyes. Even I didn’t realized I was crying now, and I couldn’t hold it. I must be looked so pitiful on his eyes now. Was he had forgotten me? Did he really don’t love me? I bit my lips hardly, hoped all these tears could stop. Then I bowed, I didn’t want saw his face..or..i didn’t want he saw me while I cried like this? I tried to steadfast for this 10 years..but in the end I lost.. because I knew.. I actually too fragile..

“ Eric.. please…” Hyesung voice heard as he pitied me. Hahahaha… what a good condition that I never hope before

I wiped my tears, tried to breath, and gave my best smile to him. But it tasted blend…too sad…too painful..because I was really devastated.

“ Hye…Hyesung-ah…” my voice still trembled in my slow sobs.

I looked at his face. Tried to record every details on his face. Never had changed, only he bit chubby and more beautiful.. than 10 years ago..

“ Hyesung-ah… were you…really..had forgotten me?” one of my question that I kept for a long time.. I asked to him… tho I knew what his answer

He nodded slowly

“ Don’t love me?”

A nod again from him

“ Why? Why did….you leave me?” a question I really wanted to asked him, finally out from my mouth

He stared at me, bit hesitant..then his expression hardened, cold..and I hated it…

“ Because..there’s no future if I stay with you”

Hahahahaha! I really wanted to laugh at that answer! and also with everything I did to him for all of this time! Live with me made him had no future?? Meanwhile I was too naïve boasted that Hyesung was my future, my reason to live…. If he didn’t think the same, what should I do? Because the man in front of me already hard like rock, difficult to destroy..

“ You’re too much…” I hissed… I was angry, very angry..

“ You too… you know this has no meaning, but you live like a fool for 10 years!”

“ I’m fool because of you! Shin Hyesung you’re my poison!” I tried to control my tone in order to not heard by other customer in this café. I clenched my fist… I wanted to punch this jerk so bad..but in other side I wanted to hug him, tightly.. and didn’t to release him… Shin Hyesung..why? Why your figure always contradictive??

“ Stop it and face it!” He hissed, and I could see he tried to control his tone too. Shin Hyesung was a stone head man, same with me… no..but more! Even 10 years had passed, he still same!

Then the silence accompanied us..

I controlled my emotion.. tried to clearing my mid. I was thinking hard, could I take Hyesung back to me? Like before? could I?

“ Never try to find way to bring me back to you, Eric-ah.. because I never come back to you”

I lifted my head and stared at him with disbelief look. Was that words too easy came from his mouth?

“ I have to go… my wife wait for me and Ji Eun at home.. Today we will go to my laws home to celebrate my mother in law birthday. Good bye, Eric”

Shin Hyesung, you were the cruelest man I ever met! I stopped Hyesung who stood on his feet and about to leave café as I pull his wrist. He stumbled little, and now our face met again.

"Why are you doing this to me?”  I was trying to find something from his eyes, hoped he would melt when he saw my persistence to get him back. However, I found a cold stare, not friendly, and made my heart broke into pieces. More destroyed than 10 years since he left. I didn’t see any warmth, sincerity, and compassion in his eyes. A beam of concern ... I felt my time to survive had ran out.

“ You are..so pathetic, Eric Mun..” He snorted, coldly

I still gripped his wrist. Still hoped there was one chance…that perhaps only 0,000001%.

“ If you really love me, then you will leave me to be happy…” his last sentence made all my hoped shattered.

Shin Hyesung didn’t want me… Shin Hyesung happiness wasn’t me.. for this time I had to be loser to him, also to me.. My body became weak immediately, and my muscles didn’t want to be friend as they changed into jelly. No strength anymore… Slowly my grip loosen. But only my eyes were still looking into his eyes. Empty… hollow.. Everything was finished, everything was vanished. Eric Mun, you lose…

Hyesung looked at me for a few moment before he left, approached Ji Eun, went to chasier to pay, then got out from café without turned back to me, even though my eyes kept stared at his movement ‘til he disappeared behind the thick walls of the building.

I froze for a moment before i sat down, limped. I moved my fingers, on my head, then pulled strand of my hair. I bowed my face, slowly it became hotter, until i found my eyes were so blurry. I couldn’t see clearly, then that water crystal came back...made a river over my cheeks. Today i had became sentimental man.. Being crybaby... For this 10 years I struggled to hold out, this time all my egos would be end. Bitter…

**

I wasn’t sure how long I sat on this bus shelter. Until clouds and blue sky changed to dark grey. Perhaps the world wanted to mocked me, or..it wanted to accompany me? My feeling wasn’t good, very bad, even worse than could be imagined. Everything felt so hollow, empty, bitter, hurt, and… I lost my words to describe it.

I looked back at the grey cloud, then people passed-by, cars back and forth, and people sat then stood at this shelter. Everything felt so fast, but I felt my movement seemed slow. When people world around me still spun like usual, my world already stopped to do it. What must I did now? My reason to survive in this harsh world was gone. When I left, no one would wait for me. When I disappeared, no one felt lost…

All colors became one, black. I didn’t see rainbow, I only saw storm.

What else I could do?

I d on my pocket and found cigarette with the lighter. I picked one, light a fire, inhaled it slowly. To feel each tobacco aroma which its smoke came into my lungs, pollute it, then came out from my nostril. I stood up, didn’t know what for. But, seemed I had to go from this place. Where? Maybe back to my apartment. Lied down, alone, closed my eyes… oh I wish it would close forever.

I stepped my foot slowly as I inhaled tobacco in my hand. I adjusted my rhythm move with people around me. Until when I stepped, I didn’t realize the people already stopped to wait. And I kept my pace forward. Among panic shouted, in the cigarette smoke which rising to the sky, I felt a hard impact on my body. Made me flew bit far. Ah… I felt so light.. I was flying…’til my body hit the road and street lamp.

It’s hurt..

hurt…

But it’s not hurt like my heart…

Then my body became stiff.. I smelled fishy that came from my blood. My head was bleeding. Ran down to cover my face, then my hands…and my whole body. Haha… Destiny was toying me more than I thought.

Silence

My world became silence…

……

“……ric…..!....ric..!! ERIC!!!” I heard faint voice calling my name. At first it slow, but getting closer and louder.

I was looking for its source among thousand voices around me.

And I found it… I found the owner of the sound I waited for all this time.

“……Hye…..sung….” ah… I still could make a voice.. So I smiled, but my eyes cried. I was happy because God was kind to me. But, my heart sad because I wouldn’t see his angelic face again..

“ Eric! Eric! Oh my God! Help! Please help him! Somebody please call ambulance! Eric!!!” I kept my stare to him, and tried to move my stiff hand. Again, God was too kind to me. He let my hand to give gentle touch his face, the man I love most.

“ Eric… oh.. God.. Eric.. please…” Shin Hyesung who I met a hours ago was different now.. He hold my hand and… cried for me.

I smiled..

At least, when I gone, there was someone who cried for me.

But why it felt bitter? Why I wanted to cry? I should happy now, but why God made my destiny became like this? Could God made a happy ending to my love story?

Then suddenly everything was blurry…slowly.. the faint sounds became mute. The pain back again…and I felt blind. I wanted to scream but couldn’t. Hurt…hurt…my body was hurt like hell…. this painful feeling..i trembled, my body stiff.

I saw many pictures flashed on my mind, rolled like a film. From I was baby, until now. The most pictures I saw were my memories with Hyesung. About how we met, how we shared our first kiss, how we celebrate our 2 anniversary, and I saw…… happiness in it. God.. Would I left this world soon?

And a second later.. I didn’t feel anything.. and I was blind again..

Forever…

…..

But, there was one thing I must remember… it was when my eyes saw for last time.. I saw him.. Shin Hyesung, the man I love…with me…holding my hand…

And I knew, nothing was happier than that…

-FIN

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