Two days in and Boram was already at her wits end. Somehow, she always ended up alone with Taeyeon. She strongly suspected everyone was working together to make this happen. 

 "Maybe we're the slow ones,"

 "I wonder why they are always in a hurry,"

 "Don't be so-" stupid. Naive. "I'll just go to my room."

It was not fair how hard it was to speak in front of her. Boram did not understand why she did not just say her peace. Why she just kept making excuses. Why she was prolonging this.

 

~~~~~~~

 

 As far as first kisses go, that one was better than others. It was not that she had never kissed anyone before but this was a woman. She never kissed a woman before although a part of her knew that was what she wanted. This was not as sloppy as the other first kiss nor did it leave a feeling as though she need a bath to wash away the shame.

 "You okay?" Taeyeon asked as she pulled away.

Boram made no reaction. She glanced at the door of the bathroom, at the polished sink, at the marble floor, just to do something. 

 "I'm sorry. I didn't think. It just happened."

 "It's alright. I just need a moment because-" another woman kissed me, "I feel weak.

 "They are working you too hard," Taeyeon lamented as she appraised her.

 "Yeah." Boram wiped her clammy palms on the dress not caring if she got glitter on them. "They are."

 "We can leave if you're not feeling well."

By the time the cab had arrived, Boram was nauseous and it did not help that Taeyeon was hovering around her. It reminded her. She was kissed a woman and she did not pull away or stop her when she was supposed to.

 "Here," Taeyeon pushed her lightly towards the vehicle before climbing in after her. "Ahjushi, could you turn the heat up? My friend is not feeling well."

 Boram made herself smaller. She wished she listened to Sunyoung when she suggested a coat so she could have something to hide her face in. Taeyeon's hands found hers and she held them tightly. Why was her anxiety keeping her from taking them away and tucking them under her arms? They stopped outside of the T-ara's dorm none too soon. Boram opened the door on her side and she saw Taeyeon doing the same.

 "Wait, don't!" The taxi driver raised an eyebrow at her voice and tone. He probably thought she was the younger one. "We have them," she pointed at the figures waiting in the shadows. Taeyeon smiled in understanding and hugged her comfortingly. Only that made Boram want to puke even more. 

She realised later that she had acted like her companion was a man, a threat to her as an idol, when really she had only been a woman.

 

~~~~~~~

 

 She had given up on group activities after the fourth day. From then on, she went to the massage room on her own, she had eaten those barely solid, organic foods in her room and she rode the horses with only the stable hand. The last part was the highlight of her day. Her favourite horse, Demeter, was a meek stallion who the handler, Sungwon, insists does not mind the name.

 "He those ones who care about the history behind the name than whether or not it is meant for girls."

Boram had laughed then but, when she looks into the beast's eyes, it does not seem so implausible.

 "He is smart," she told Sungwon. "It's so easy to forget he's just a horse."

 "Be careful, now. He can hear you,"

 "You really believe it?"

 "Just because animals can't speak doesn't mean there is not much going on up here." Sungwon said. There was a look of adoration when he pressed his forehead on Demeter's. "I'd imagine he doesn't like it that we're talking like he isn't here," he remarked when the horse turned away, disinterested.

 Boram did love the times she spent with the man and his horse but because of the number of people, there was a small amount of time she could go horse riding. Although she knew it was not yet infatuation, she could imagine herself living life on a ranch with Sungwon as her husband. He was handsome even with eyes that were a little too apart, lips that were longer than they were full and a jaw that was not as prominent. He towered over her and yet did not make her feel small. When his hands held her up so she could side-saddle due to the gown she was wearing, it gave her this sense of security.

 "You're a good person," she blurted out on her fifth time riding.

 "No, I'm only good to those I like," he said winking. This could work. It has to, too.

 

~~~~~~~

 

 She cried as silently as she could, biting down on the pillow and hugged her knees to keep from shaking too much. No one emotion prominent enough to explain why she felt so devastated when she was usually so desolated. Once or twice a month, when it became painfully bleak and bare, she would use a razor on the space between her ribs. That would give her twisted satisfaction because she was experiencing something. If the pain dulls, Boram would dig her nail and only stopping when the stinging begins to sear instead. There was no shame; she did not think her body was worth sparing.

 When the tears ebbed, she would plod to the bathroom and apply an ointment and tear drops so that they would not be too puffy in the morning. That night, she did not because it seemed like she could not stop weeping. Her gasp were leaving her increasingly breathless and her gag reflexes were almost triggered.

 "Boram?" Jihyun spoke up, her voice heavy with sleep. She encircled her arms around her and pulled her close. "What's wrong?"

 Boram shook her head and held on to the hands on her. Time stopped. The only thing that moved was Jihyun's heart thudding on her back. Finally, she was hiccupping, wiping her face with her shirt, her eyes, and temples, throbbing but no longer spilling tears.

 "What's wrong?"

Taeyeon, Boram realised. At least what she represented, problems when all Boram needed was peace. It was hard enough to gather energy to perform for hours on end. Her body was failing her and no one failed to remind her that she could not keep up. Pills helped for a while but when they ran out, she could feel every minute of the day at once. She did not need that woman piling on when she was more than overwhelmed.

 "Rambo, please talk to me. I don't like you like this," Jihyun said into her ear. Boram knew she did not mean it like that but it crushed her. This was who she was- a broken, worthless mess. Who could like her? Who would care for her if they knew?

 "Nothing. I'm just tired," 

 "Are you sure?"

 "I'm feeling much better," she lied, making sure to perk her voice and then failing because was sore.

 "I'll try and get you this day for off. Just stay in bed," Jihyun said. She kissed her head and went back to her bed. Boram almost told her to stay with her but she bit her tongue. She has to keep her true self a secret.

 

~~~~~~~

 

 "You're drifting off again," Sungwon waved. "It's starting to get more weird than cute."

 "What can I say? I have plenty of things on my mind," Boram replied shrugging.

 "You're supposed to be relaxing and forgetting all of that."

 "Easier said than done," she snorted. If he had lived through what she has, Demeter and the other horses would get less attention.

 "It is, actually. You just have to do. Focus on the here and now,"

 "You've been working here for too long," Boram said.

 "Trust me on this," when Boram only rolled her eyes, he continued, "What if I told you I was a hot shot lawyer just a year ago?"

 "I'd probably laugh," Boram replied chuckling.

 "No, really, I was. I was practically a partner of the firm. I had two condos *because* I could have two condos. There were all this cars, high end clubs and beautiful women."

 "And now you're tending to horses. That's a huge fall. No offence Demeter," the horse lifted his gruffly at the sound of his name.

 "You would think that but I'm content. Utterly satisfied and there is no more guilt and who wouldn't leave all that for this sweet fellow?"

 "Since we're confessing," Boram began, "I'm an idol. We are pretty infamous."

 "I kind of guessed since you were with Taeyeon-ssi a lot. Idols hang out with other idols, right? Anyways, what is your point?"

 "You're a smart man. Figure it out yourself,"

She did not mean to run out but her mood took a turn for the worse when he said her name. For a while, Boram forget what she was and it all stumbled back to her. What if he found out the truth? Imagining Sungwon's eyes narrowing in repulsion made her temper even more disagreeable.

 "There you are,"

Boram was about to go into her room when In Jung called to her.

 "What do you want?"

 "We need to talk," In Jung said and she looked pissed.

 "Fine," Boram said shrugging. She moved to the side, "But inside,"

In Jung stepped in, pausing near the bed and glancing quickly at the ceiling. Boram heard her saying, "So crass," before she closed the door behind her.

 "You've been avoiding me," In Jung started. "Why?"

 "I haven't been avoiding you, I've been avoiding her. It's just that you're always around her,"

 "And so what? She doesn't bite," she snapped. "You're such a coward."

 "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

 "I go to all this trouble so you can finally speak-"

 "Who asked you to!" Boram hissed jabbing at a finger at her. "Who the hell asked for your help?"

 "Taeyeon did," she admitted looking only a little ashamed.

Boram threw her hands up. "Taeyeon did? If she asked you to look into all my private business, you would because she asked you to, right?"

 "Oh, stop being so melodramatic," 

 "Melodramatic, am I? You have problems with Jonghyuk, I give time and space, In Jung, to come to me and let it out because I know that, even as your friend, there are boundaries and I respect that."

 "There is just so much avoidable and pathetic suffering I can watch," In Jung shot back just as angry. 

 "You think my depression was pathetic?" Boram asked after a minute's silence.

 "No, I-" she covered , her eyes pleading. "I didn't mean it like that,"

 "You're doing this because you're guilty. You think if you didn't nudge us along, I wouldn't be depressed," In Jung opened to protest but Boram held up her hand. "I've been that way for longer than you think. She was nothing but just one more thing on a list of reason I hated myself."

 "I don't know what to say. I am really sorry,"

 "Doesn't matter. I was finally happy and looking forward to something when you sprang this one me. What kind of friend does that?"

In Jung shook her head and tried coming towards her. Boram took a step back, holding up her hand. "I'm so sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing,"

 "I worked so hard so that I can look at a mirror without wanting to break it. So damn hard." Boram admitted, sniffing to keep the wetness at bay. "I don't want it to come undone because I'm so afraid I won't be able to fix it again,"

She was tugged into an embrace. "I'm so stupid. I thought I had it figured." In Jung said above her. Her voice cracked several times. "Always jumping to conclusions,"

 "I was hiding away, remember?"

 "Still, I had plenty of time to ask. I didn't because I thought knew. How do you put up with me?"

 "I don't, you're somehow just there,"

A playful pat hit her on the ribs. Right where--

 "Are you okay? I didn't hit too hard again, did I?"

 "No, you didn't."

 "Boram?"

 "Hmm?"

 "I know I'm about ruin the moment we are having here but Taeyeon ... just hear her out. Please,"

Closure. Maybe Taeyeon needs one. "I'll try,"

 

~~~~~~~

 

  Boram knew this was their last performance because she looked online. This was her last chance to speak to her because she had been too awkward on the phone. Frankly, it felt like she tethering on the verge of drowning and Taeyeon became the only buoy. She was her last chance to save herself. Boram knocked on the door briefly. She stopped, suddenly stricken, letting her hand fall slowly to her side. What am I doing? Before she could even get a decent answer, the door swung open.

 "Oh, Boram-ssi," Sooyoung said quietly, her smile slipping.

 "Could you call Taeyeon?"

 "I don't know if it is a good idea,"

 "Just a moment. Please," she added when the taller girl remained skeptical. The door was not closed so she could hear the activities inside. They were loud, much louder than T-ara. Maybe that is because they were more energetic. The door opened again and a wooden Taeyeon came out. Without a word, she went towards one of the abandoned room that served as emergency dressing rooms. 

 "You don't look so happy,"

 "Yeah, well, I have my reasons. What do you want?" She was angry and almost seemed like a different person.

 "About the other day, I-"

 "I'm sorry about that. It won't happen again-"

 "Let me finish. This won't take long okay?" Boram waited until Taeyeon nodded before she picked up. "You are the first woman who ever, you know, and I was confused. More than that but I thought about it and if you're not-"

The words became muffled as a pair of lips crushed, literally, on her. Their teeth hit. Boram bit back a groan from the pain. She could feel the fear sinking into her again. Just as her breath was running out, Taeyeon moved her head and brushed her lips on her flushed cheeks.

 "So? We're a thing?"

 "Yes," Boram said gasping.

 "Good," Taeyeon said looking past her shoulder. "That's what I want,"

 

~~~~~~~

 

 She found her sipping lemon water in the parlor. The glass doors let in the sunlight and it cascaded on her. Boram paused feeling like she was about to interrupt something divine and then feeling silly about it.

 "Hey,"

 "Hi," Taeyeon said too lively. "I haven't seen you in a while."

 "I was avoiding you,"

 "Oh." Taeyeon deflated, setting the glass aside.

 "That's why I'm here. In Jung and the others, even though they won't say it, wants us to, you know, talk."

Boram took a seat on the arm chair besides her, shifting the soft material of her teal dress until it felt like she had not sat on all of it.

 "Why are the ones they make for us so big?" Taeyeon asked fixing her.

 "I know, right? Is it because we're the shortest here and they are all so tall?"

 "Maybe. Whatever, we rock." They laughed, a little forced, mostly because Taeyeon pumped her fists high above her.

 "So, where do we start?"

 "Sooyeon but you know everything by now I'm guessing,"

 "Pieced it together," Boram admitted. "Didn't take me long because I was always thinking about. Really, why?"

 "I'm twisted," Taeyeon said bluntly. "Every time she left me, I found someone just to show her how she's not the only one who can hurt. And sometimes I try to get serious, to move on, but she shows up and I'm a mess again. It happens again and again."

 "She showed me pictures of the two of you. Sent them to my phone and I kept them for a while so I knew to remind myself I wasn't the one who failed,"

 "I'm so sorry."

 "In Jung told you that you're the reason I nearly fell off the deep end, didn't she?" Boram asked with a tiny smile. Taeyeon nodded. Briefly, Boram considered not telling her so that she could wallow in guilt. "I love that girl but she doesn't see how some things aren't that obvious. I was sick before I met you. Maybe even for years. It was the environment I was in that nearly pushed me over but I'm fine now."

 "I took therapy, too. It's irregular but it's working. I feel happier longer,"

 "Don't stop yet. Trust me, you don't want to get to that point," Boram said trying to keep pride out of her voice. It felt nice knowing something Taeyeon did not.

 "You'll help me, right?"

 "We'll see," Boram replied, knowing her mood might change after this.

 "You're such a sweetheart," Taeyeon saying the word in English which brought laughter for some reason to Boram. "I'd have thrown this sandals at you. I'd would have punched you and left as soon as I could, actually,"

 "Well..."

 "Seriously, I would have taken those buckets and clubbed on the head. Or maybe, those needles from the tailors and poked you-"

 "I mean..."

 "-then, I would take the moldy cloth balls and just throw them. You can get allergies from them and maybe break out in hives."

 "I actually feel sorry for Sooyeon now,"

 "Causing her physical pain is out of the question. She'll rip you apart regardless of how she wronged you but I got even ... and now we're good. I think. Told you I'm twisted."

 "You make it sound like you forced her hand or something,"

 "I did," Taeyeon deadpanned.

 "Did you just make a -"

 "No! ... Stop laughing. I really didn't,"

 "ert," Boram sang. "Your mind is probably just filled with lyrics and all of this thoughts. Look at me, I'm blushing," Boram fanned herself dramatically.

 "Not as much as me," Taeyeon pointed her cheeks and ears which were only slightly tinted.

 "Come on, I've seen way more colour on you," she replied without thinking

 "Is that a -"

 "Ten minutes with you and I'm a erted already."

 "Like you didn't already have a mind for such things." Taeyeon scoffed. Then she leaned in, "Remember, I know you. All of you," she drawled.

 "You-"

Boram was hitting a guffawing Taeyeon, reddening while trying to keep her own mirth at bay. The longer they laughed, the more Boram felt herself relinquishing her anger, the hurt and the memory. Finally, closure. When she looked at Taeyeon's eyes, tears swimming in them, she could see the same thing. There was only a bit of feeling when they kissed perfunctorily.

 "I'm going to sleep," Boram declared standing up.

 "Horseback riding," Taeyeon exclaimed excitedly. She did a few quick stretches

 "Oh, which one?"

 "Hera,"

 "Ooh Demeter is my favourite,"

Taeyeon cocked her eyebrow. "Really? No one rides her except that Sangchon dude."

 "Sungwon," Boram corrected, "and I ride him. We have an understanding."

 "Why doesn't he like me? He's absolutely beautiful. Have you turned him against me?"

 "Not really. Demeter is an excellent judge of character," Taeyeon froze. Boram saw this and added, "He likes pure and innocent people,"

 "As if. Let me tell you what's not pure and innocent about you..."