The minute I laid eyes on Kim Namjoon, I felt like I wanted to stare at him and his beautiful features for hours and hours if I could. He had a very wide smile which to me, is the most wonderful thing on earth. And his eyes, though usually covered with sunglasses, are the most clearest, sharpest orbs I have ever seen. The only problem with him was that he was a well-known player. Rumors spread throughout the whole place saying he's been with multiple girls. Some even at the same time. He was everything wrong to everyone else. But to me, he was perfection.

I was just an ordinary girl. No one popular. I don't hang out with the cool kids. I was just, me. Along with a couple of people whom I call my friends. I honestly do not know how someone like me could fall for someone like him. We barely even talk to each other. We didn't match at all. We both had very different personalities and likings. He likes hiphop-styled things, I don't. He likes rap, I don't. He likes hanging out with the cool kids, I don't. 

He's in love with a lot of girls at once. I'm just in love with him.

I've been so afraid to tell people, even my friends about how I feel about him. Cause I know all they'd tell me is that it's dagnerous and that I'm doing the wrong thing. I've only told one of my friends who I know is the most trustworthy, and she too already told me that it was a bad idea. To be honest, to hear these opinions from the people I trust should be a good thing. Which is why I should just tell them sooner or later. But something is keeping me from doing so. And that is most likely the fact that I just don't want to hear people say it.

Because I don't want to beieve it.

I spend my days worrying now. The things that go on in my mind is basically only him, and if he was worth it or not. Even though she doesn't force me to, but my friend keeps telling me to change my mind, that I'm taking the wrong way and that I should just abort ship. I know I should do this. But it is not that easy. It's hard just to forget someone you see each day. She also tells me that she's known a couple of girls who had been in a relationship with him and told her that it was only filled with tears.

I was still stubborn though. Even after hearing this, my heart still didn't budge. A part deep inside of me still feels like it could maybe, just maybe, change him from his ways.

I'm so stupid.

I decided that I would start talking to him and find out for myself if he was actually bad news. I also told myself that if he was, I was going to forget him for good. So, a few days afterwards we started talking. It turns out for the worst though, cause he was actually really nice and really caring. To the extent that I couldn't believe that this guy was in fact, a player. We exchanged numbers and he asks me if I've eaten, or that I should sleep well, stuff like that. Whenever we meet in real life, we would also talk about random topics, and he would always smile and laugh. God, how I love how he laughs.

I'm pretty sure he's done this to plenty other girls too though. I bet this was his way of getting all the girls he gets.

I actually half hoped that he would be a douchbag along with his player kind of personality. That way I could've hated him much easier. But no, he just turnes out to be super kind. which makes it harder to get over him now. 

Why does everything have to be so complicated?

We started getting closer now. You can practically call us close friends. Despite the different type of people we hang out with. Sometimes, he shows the slightest signs of liking me back. My friend knows about this and she reminded me once again to be careful because I might just be a targetted prey for him. I'm aware of this too, but, how else am I supposed to feel? He's the person that I love, so it's only natural that I would feel happy that we actually got closer. Although, a part of my heart strongly believes I should act on my friend's words since I know all she wants is for me not to get hurt. But I don't know, I just can't seem to do it yet.

I've heard rumors going around recently, saying he has a new girlfriend yet again. I got really anxious to know if it was actually real, so I asked him about it. To which he confirmed to be true. Despite all our conversations. Our laughs. Our texts. Calls. I actually thought we were going somewhere there. Well, I guess I was wrong then cause here we are now with this news of  him being with another. 

This really sliced me through the chest. This finally made me realize that now, I should really start doing what my friend has been telling me to do all this time.

Get over him.

Forget him.

Let go of him.

Those are the most painful things one must do to a person one has fallen hard for.

Days, weeks, eventually months passed with me tyring and failing at getting over him. The difficulty of forgetting the person you see everyday, not to mention is close to you as well, is very high. It hurts me to see him with his girlfriend in the hallways or on their way home, holding hands. It hurts me even if I just hear their voices talking to each other when I walk in front of them. 

Then again, I remind myself that he was in fact, a player. And the girl he's with will most likely get hurt, and that I should be glad I'm not in her place. But the fact that I'm not glad, and that I actualy still do long to be in her place just makes me so frustrated at myself. So damn frustrated at how pathetic I am for not even being able to say no to a player. A goddamn player.

Even after all those months I've spent trying over and over again to just stop myself from loving him. even for the slightest bit. It doesn't work. I even tried meeting new people, and also trying to get interested in others. I know this may sound so desperate, but that's just what I was, desperate. I do not want to love him. I want to get the hell over him. But nothing is ever working. Everything I do or try just seems to fall apart whenever he talks to me or shows those smiling eyes of his. Everytime I thought I got over him, my heart always contradicts me by doing it's racing beat whenever we're close together. I don't know what to do anymore. 

I just don't know.

How do you get yourself to stop loving the one you've loved for a long time? A person you are close to? The person whom you've always had your eye on and couldn't look away ever since. The person who always makes your heart skip a beat with every single thing he's done. The person who makes you make that goofy smile whenever he sends you a text. The person who's never made you feel more giddier ever in your life, like you can do anything in the world. The person who makes your whole body burn up just by ruffling your hair. The person who makes you blush. The person who you fell for. 

The person who you love. The person you really care about.

How do you stop loving? How do you stop caring?

Is there really an easy way?

How?

I wish I knew.