I let the glass slip out of my hand.

No, this was a lie. I threw it on the floor. Knowing that it will shatter into thousand small pieces. Shatter just like our lives just now.

After that the silence came.

As if there were no life anymore in our four walls that I called home till today. The broad colours faded into a dull gray shade.

My gaze locked with yours. Tears rolling down my cheeks.

Just because it's over. Just because I became tired of this. Just because our lifes are in pieces like the glass on the floor it doesn't mean it's easier.

I knew that everything would end today.

The last fight. The last hurtful words. This time I was too tired to make up. Too tired to pretend everything will be alright.

On the first page of our story, the future seemed so bright.

"Go out with me." I looked up from my book that I was just reading now. I guess my face looked like as if you asked me how the world would end. I closed the book. Didn't even bother to memorise what I just read. I placed it on the table, shoved it away from me.
"Trying to be funny, Jjong?" We were best friends for years now. At some point I made the biggest mistake in my life and felt in love with him. At least this is what I thought. I told him the truth. I hate lying. Eventhough I knew I might loose my friend. It wasn't normal to fall in love with your best friend. To fall in love with your male best friend. But to my surprise, he was is okay with it. Told me that he doesn't want to loose me but that he could never return these feelings. I was fine.This is what I thought. But I wasn't. I began to avoid him. Found new friends to distract me.
And now he was standing in front of me. Telling me to go out with him. Tears began to build in my eyes. This wasn't funny.
"I don't. Go out with me Kibum. I don't want to loose you." He crossed the last distance between us. Bend down and kissed me. It was a little bit awkwark to kiss your best friend. It was awkark to kiss him. But I couldn't be more happy that these lips were on top of mine. I could touch him like I wanted to. I could call him mine now.
He ended the kiss and pressed his forehead against mine. Both of us a little out of breath. But a sincere smile on our lips.

But somehow I already knew at this point that these lips were never made to be mine. A little voice that won't left me these next years told me.

Both of us were still panting heavy. Sweat covered our bare skin. Drops of sweat rolling down our foreheads. Our hearts beating faster then ever. The heat still didn't cool down.
It hurted, yes. Like hell. But it was okay. It was replaced with this feeling no one could ever describe with words. This would be one of these things you will remember for ever. Because this was one of the best moments of my life.
I felt his hands around my waist and he pulled me to him. My bare chest against his. Skin on skin. This was meant to be. Slowly our breath was normal again.
His hands run through my hair. His lips placing small kisses on my forehead, my nose, my cheeks and finally a small sweet kiss on my lips. A smile on my lips. I let my fingertips run over his chest. He was just perfect. He was so beautiful.
"Are you okay?" He whispert quietly as his fingers pushed carefully some strains of my hair out of my face.
I nodded slightly and left a small kiss on his lips. I closed my eyes, layed my head down on his chest and listened to his steady heartbeat.
"Kibum?" I heared his voice again. His wonderful voice. Music in my ears.
"Hm?" I opend my eyes and looked up at him. His brown big puppy eyes.
"I love you." We were now together for some month but he never said the he loved me. These three words never left his lips until now. My heartbeat raced up again.
"I love you too." Our lips locked again. Like a symbol to seal our promising.

The voice told me again that we were not meant to be. That the promising meant nothing.

"What is it Jjong? If you don't hurry we will be missing the beginning of the movie." I sat on his bed and bounced up and down like a little child. Eventhough we could just go out as friends because people would avoid us otherwise I was still happy everytime we would go out. Sometimes we would secretly kiss when no one was looking or intertwine our fingers. It was hard to be diffrent. It was hard to be avoided from the rest of the world if you was just yourself. But as long as I was with JongHyun it would be okay.
He sat down next to me and began to laugh. "You are 20 years old Kibum and behave like a five year old. You know that?"
I stuck my tongue out. "Said the boy who would kill for icecream and whines if I won't buy it for him~" I sung. He throw his arms up.
"Icecream is something totally diffrent Kibum!" I began to laugh. He was always that cute. No wonder I could never resist him. "So now that I won. What is it Jjong?"
"Oh, you didn't won! Icecream is not valid. It's something special. Anyways... Move in with me."
If I would have something to drink I would choke right now. Did he really just asked me to move in with him?
"Really?" I asked. Maybe I just heared something wrong. Or he would tell some of his stupid jokes just to see my funny faces. I don't know.
"Really." He looked away and began to play with his own fingers. Did he really just became shy? After so many moths that we were together? I smiled to myself. I loved him so much.
I tackled him down on the bed. Both of his wrists in my hands pinned down on both sides of his head. My legs on either side of his body so that I could sit down on him.
I leaned down. Our lips just inches away. I starred at his brown eyes.
"Let's move together then. But I will decorate." He chuckled lightly underneath me. I bend down and my lips layed down on his. My eyelids felt shut. My tongue run over his button lip until he parted them. I let my tongue slip into his mouth. Even now after all these month my heart raced like crazy and I had this tingling feeling in my stomach. Maybe I should used to it by now. But everytime I would kiss him I had the feeling that I would fall in love with him a new.
I felt his hands under my shirt and gasped as he shoved the thin fabric up and the cool air hits my bare skin.
"I guess the movie has to wait." He said between the kisses and I saw the smirk on his face.
"I guess." I took of my shirt and bend down again.

The little voice told me that this was a stupid idea. But I never listened to the voice. It was lying anyways.

I placed the last picutre on the table. Satisfied with my own work.
We moved in a few days ago. Everything was stressful and a little bit hectic. Besides the university and the job we had to renovate our apartment. Our home. Our place to feel safe for the next days, weeks, month, years.
Of cause.. with the move came the first small fights. We were both stressed out and our tongues faster then our brains. He said something I didn't want to hear. I said something he didn't want to hear. Without thinking we were fighting and screaming.
But now everything would be okay again. The stress was over. We could relax again.
I felt his hands sneak around my waist. His head on my shoulder. I could feel his warm breath on my neck. I shivered slightly. The tingling feeling when he touch me would never stop, huh?
"Ugh. Why this picture? You look perfect again and I look like a stupid dino or something like this." I chuckled.
"Well... it's not my fault that you look like this Jjong."
"Wow. This. was. mean." He removed his head from my shoulder and his warm arms disappeared from my waist. Wait. Was he really sulking just because of this? I turned around to face him but he just took me and throw me over his shoulder.
"I guess I have to teach you a lesson Kibum."
"Yah! Kim JongHyun. Let me down. Now!" But I couldn't surpress my laughter. Finally he let my down. Layed me down on our bed. The bed where we would cuddle with each other in mornings. In the night. Where I would sleep in the arms of the men I love.
He layed down beside me and slung his arms again around my waist.
"This is now our home, huh?" I smiled and placed a small kiss on his nose.
"Yes, our home."

Everything went downhill from that day on. This was never meant to be our home, told me the litttle voice. And the voice was right.

At first it were just small fights. Nothing serious. But with each more day it would turn worser.

I would hate it when he came home late without a reason.
I would hate it when he would do nothing but talk about his pretty coworker.
I would hate it when we were out together but he kept starring at the waitress.

He would hate it when everything I ever do was to nag him.
He would hate it when I spend my days with my friends from the university
He would hate it when I would talk just about my new best friend.

At first it were just fights with words. But soon after this the first physical pain was added. There was nothing that we could make better anymore. But somehow I started to live with it. Fights and jealousy showed us that we still care, right? And it was not like that we didn't share our sweet moments anymore. They just... they just got lesser.

The place that we once called home turned into a battlefield. All we shared here now were tears, hateful words and pain.But still I would always apologize for everything eventhough it wasn't my fault. I was too afraid to loose him. To loose my life. My home. My love.

In this tug of war, you’ll always win, even when I’m right.
Cause you feed me fables from your hand,
With violet words and empty threats and it’s sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied.

"Safe that Jjong. Do you think I will believe you? You were out the whole night for work? And you won't even tell me? I was worried. You wouldn't even pick up your phone!" Here we were again. Screaming. Yelling. Hurting each other.
"You are not my mother Kibum. I will go and come when I want to. Where is your problem anyway? I'm old enough you know." He yelled back. Harsh words. Cold.
"I.was.worried." I repeated again. He is just silly. He can't listen to me once. Why can't he understand that I was worried as hell? That I thought something happend to him. I didn't get any sleep. I was sitting on the sofa and wait for him to return. To see he was safe.
"I. am. old. enough, Mum." That was enough. I had enough of this. I was tired.I was tired of his lies.
I grabed his collar and pulled him nearer. "It's her, right? Don't lie to me JongHyun. You are always with her when I'm at home to busy with worrying about you. Right? RIGHT?"
He crunched his eyebrows. His gaze so much more colder then before. I could read so much in them. Hate. Anger. disappointment. But I couldn't find anymore what I was used to. His warm gaze full of love. This was gone.
The next thing I felt was his fist against my nose. I stumbled back and hit the closet. I was so tired. I slid down the cold surface. I felt the warm fluid dripping down. Down on my white shirt. My tears began to roll down my cheek. It didn't feel like home anymore.
"I'm sorry Jonghyun. I shouldn't have said that." Why was I apologizing again? I didn't do anything wrong. And I lied. Because I would say this again. I just knew he was with her. I could smell it. I could see it in the way he tried to avoid my gaze. But I was afraid to loose him. I didn't want to watch him leave.
I felt his thumbs on my face. Wiping away the tears. "No. I am sorry Bummie. I didn't want to hurt you. I should have called you yesterday. I just forgot it. I am sorry."
I shook my head and placed my hands over his. "It's okay. Everything is alright." I smiled and kissed him. The metalic taste of blood in my mouth.
So maybe I’m a masochist
I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave.

The small voice told me that nothing is going to be alirght again. And the voice was right. We would never have our happy end.

Kim JongHyun was my first love. Got my first kiss. I had my first with him. He was the first one I shared a home with. And now... and he was first one who broke my heart. Everything that I would remember for ever.

I let my gaze sink on the floor. I didn't even have the strength to look at him anymore. I felt so wrong here at my home. I just knew that I didn't belong here anymore. This home that should have been our happiness was now the place to hurt each other.

My eyes wandering over the floor and the splints. I looked up again. This room was once so full of life. We would giggle, laughing, kissing. And now it was silent. Wrong.
My eyes stoped at the picture that I placed when we finished moving. I smiled at this memorie. Yes, you will always look like a dino Jonghyun.
I wiped away my tears with the back of my hands. Eventhough they were still falling.
"I am tired of this JongHyun. I can't live on like this." My voice a little hoarse from the screaming. I pushed myself off and walked towards him. My feet dragging me over the splinters. But even this was something I didn't feel anymore because my whole life just broke down. I didn't felt the pain anymore. My head was already prepairing for what will coming. All the safe walls I build with himthe were broken.
"We just don't love each other anymore, right?" I heared him. Somehow the small little voice came back to me and told me that he never loved me. Never enough to live with me. Just enough to be my best friend. But even this was over now.
I stoped right before him. I leaned forward and placed my lips on his. The tingling feeling was gone. The heartbeat normal. I didn't feel safe anymore. It was just nothing.
I pulled back. "I guess."
Maybe I didn't love him anymore like I used to but still this end hurts. I wanted to go back. Go back to the time when we were happy. Wanted to feel safe again.
When I let my mind wander to our first kiss, first , the first days we moved here... my tears started to fall again. The memories were so happy. So warm. Why did It end this way?
I was afraid to end it. But I was so tired. This couldn't go on. We just hurt each other.
I took a deep breath and started to walk again.
"Please start to pack my things. I will come next week to fetch them." I took my jaket and slipped into my shoes. Somehow I took my time. Maybe I waited for something to happen. That everything will turn again and we could be happy again.
"Kibum... wait. Maybe.." I looked up and stared at him. Wasn't it this that I waited for? That he would stop me so that we could be happy again? But I just realized that this wasn't enough anymore.
For the first time I saw him cry. It broke my heart. But I had to end it, right? Both of us were tired. Both of us hurt.
I shook my head and let my hand run through my hair. Pushed my black strains away so that I could see him again. "No, Jonghyun. This time there is no 'maybe'. We are over. Finally." We both flinched at my words. To speak it out aloud was still a little bit harder then I thought.
I felt the cold metal of the doorhandle in my hand. Was this home always this cold?
"Thank you Jjong. For everything. I guess we will see each other in a few days. Maybe." I tried to smile a little bit and then finally and forever I closed the door behind me.

Once my home. My life. My place to feel safe.
Now it was time to move on. To start the next chapter of the book. To find a new home.

Maybe we won't see each other again. Maybe we didn't love each other anymore like we used to. Maybe we were never meant to be. But I knew I would never forget this. I knew there will never be something better then this.

Than him.