“I make a sincere prayer with my two eyes closed tightly

Her temperature that I feel from far away

It still remains somewhere in my memories…”

Starlight Song, B1A4

Slowly without any second thoughts, I made my way towards her house. The walk on the way was cold, the skies were dark, and the moment I had reached the front porch of her house, it started to rain.

I remembered how her face was the first time we danced under the rain, because she told me she never got to experience what it was like and how it felt under it. From that day on, she loved it. And I loved the rain more because of her. But right now, I hate how my heart hurts at the sound of it. I couldn’t even think straight. Every moment we had just come crashing back to me. I don’t know what to do, it’s like I want to bang my head against a hard concrete to forget everything.

I tried calling out her name, but I realized it was empty. She had left the house just as how she would before. But now it was dark, it was empty. It didn’t have the same feeling, it didn’t look the same anymore. Because she wasn’t in it. Along with the cold wind that brushed against me, she was gone. And she was not coming back anymore.

A cold breeze embraces me and I remember her again. She loved the air. She would sit next to the window each time we travelled somewhere far and she would open them, inhaled the fresh air and looked at me as if to ask me for permission to open it wider.

I feel her everywhere. Everywhere I looked, it reminded me of her. It felt like she was with me. I could feel her right beside me, yet I couldn’t see her. It’s as if she’s with me, but she was also somewhere far away from me.

Come back to me…

I whispered, hoping it would reach her.

I continued walking, not caring about how it was raining too hard, wishing that maybe we’ll see each other and maybe we’d get to talk somehow. Maybe I could ask how she was and what she’s up to. Maybe I could invite her for lunch, talk about the things we’ve both missed and try catching up on them. Maybe I could bring back those memories we both had and maybe we could patch things up again.

Or maybe, just maybe… I could hold her again in my arms and feel her warmth and love.

I wonder how she is.

Have you been doing well? What are you doing right now? Are you hurt, do you happen to be crying alone?

Where are you?

“You know what? There’s only one constellation I know.” She looked up the sky as she talked, raising her fingertip as if to trace that one constellation she said she knew. “And I’m very proud of that.”

“What is it?” I asked and reached for her other hand. I slowly intertwined my fingers with hers while looking at her face.

“Orion. I guess it’s the only thing I remember after those Science classes I took. And it’s the most distinct for me since it shines the brightest.” She says and squeezed my hand, like trying to feel if my hand was really there. “When I die, I want to turn into a star.”

I laughed. “A star? You can’t be serious.”

“Not that, Hyuk. I mean a star. Like that one in the sky.” She said and pointed to where the Orion constellation was.

“But that’s a constellation.” I insisted, trying to make her mad. She’s cute when she’s mad.

“Then I want to be a constellation.” She defended herself. She was trying not going to get mad at me.

“You said you wanted to be a star.” I joked again.

“That’s still a star—“

“That’s a constellation. It’s different from a single star. It’s a constellation. And that’s made up of big and bright stars.” I jokingly fought back.

“Whatever. I want to be a star. A single star.” From the dim light coming from the moon, I could still see her rolling her eyes, as if she was about to be defeated in the conversation. “And you’re repeating your words.”

“Why star? Why not just the sun? It’s the brightest and biggest star.” I said, tracing the lines on her palm. “Plus, you’re the most remembered. And stars like that die out earlier.”

“I don’t like the sun. It’s too overpowering. When I’m a little star, people like you will try to look for me. You’d exert more effort and look for telescopes and all just to find something very little and cute like me.” She said, gesturing to a small star on the sky. “Small stars are the farthest. And they are given the most effort just to be seen.”

“I don’t want that.” I said, keeping my eyes on the little stars and cursing at them for being too far.

She looked at me. “Why?”

“Because…” I pulled her closer. “I don’t want you far away from me. I want you to stay here.”

“With me.” I said and kissed her forehead.

Where were those moments now? Where was she when I needed her? I need her now. I need someone to cheer me up when my world turned upside down. I need someone to tell me to keep on fighting and have faith. I need someone to be my strength, my faith, my hope.

It’s her. It has always been her.

From the moment I’ve met her, I knew she was the only person destined for me. She was like a small star in a crowd of big ones, waiting to be appreciated. And I was that person who’d appreciate and love her for who she was, no matter what she did, no matter what she was.

I love her. I love her still.

But I’ve lost her.

Time passed and I continued to walk, even after the rain has stopped. The sun did not shine and the whole place felt gloomy. It was as if it was feeling me…

Like she’s right beside me and she knows what I’m feeling.

Knowing I went to the worst place I could have gone, I stopped. This was not the place where I was supposed to go, why am I even here? This was the place I’m afraid to come back to, the place where the most painful memories were created, the ones I wanted to forget but I couldn’t.

“He’ll wake up in a bit…” One hushed voice said.

“Are you sure?” A voice asked. Was that my mother?

“Is my oppa okay?” A cute voice that belonged to my little sister asked.

“The operation went well. It’s a miracle, actually. It’s a first time. It’s so strong and it suits him very well.” He answered.

Where was she? Where was my girlfriend?

I slowly opened my eyes to find my mother, my older and younger sisters and two doctors standing at the foot of my bed. Where was she?

“Mom…” I called.

“Hyuk. The operation went well. It’s a miracle.” She said, on the brink of tears.

“Mom… Where is she?” I asked. Mom’s face changed all of a sudden and shifted back again. “She’ll be here anytime soon, my dear.”

“Tell her I’m okay now mom…” I said and slowly drifted back to sleep.

Those were all lies. She wasn’t coming back anymore.

Hyuk,

I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to see you fighting too hard just to make me happy. It pains me to see you hurting. I’m sorry I’m not there to see you open your eyes again and start a new life. I’m sorry for not staying with you during the operation. I’m afraid, even if I don’t tell you, but I’m more afraid of losing you. We’ll still grow old together. I’m still with you. But I want you to know that even if I’m not physically beside you anymore, I will always be guiding you. Like a star. Promise me you’ll look for me somewhere in that wide sky. A little star will be always waiting for you.

I love you, with all that I am.

My heart didn’t want to believe it. She’s given me something that should be hers. She gave it to me so that I could live. She had wanted me to live, but she had left me.

“No…” Tears clouded my eyes and fell on the last page of the notebook where she wrote her last words. “This can’t be it…”

I couldn’t explain the pain it gave me, knowing that she will never be able to see me happy and strong. That she won’t be there with me while watching the stars in the night sky. I couldn’t believe that she’s not beside me anymore even when she always used to.

I didn’t want to believe. I wanted to go back from the start when I haven’t met her. In that way, I couldn’t hurt her. I shouldn’t have…

“Heart disease.” I confessed.

She didn’t even have the time to ask if I was joking or not. She immediately embraced me as tight as she could and even without her saying, I could feel her tears drench my shirt. “Why… didn’t you…”

“Because I don’t want you to pity me. I don’t want you to feel like I’m a burden.” I said as tried to keep tears at bay.

“We promised each other we won’t keep secrets. Where was that promise, Hyuk?” She asked and continued to cry. I wiped her tears, trying to look deep into her eyes without crying.

“I just wanted you to be happy.” I broke.

“If living without you is happiness, then I’d rather die a million times than lose you.” She said and embraced me again. “Promise me you won’t leave me, Hyuk.”

“I promise.” I assured her, trying to make her feel that I’m not and I will never leave her side. “I promise we’ll grow old together and we’ll see who can still walk the fastest.”

She smiled through her tears and punched me slightly on the chest. “Stop that.”

“I love you…” I said as I looked deep into her eyes.

“I love you too, with all that I am.” She answered, fighting the tears that were coming back.

I took her hand and led her to the park. The walk on the way was unusually quiet, like she was trying to find the right words to tell me.

“Let’s go buy a notebook.” She told me all of a sudden.

I agreed, not knowing what she was planning on it.

She was planning to fill it with our memories together, the pages were filled with photos of us, our stories, her bucket list for us.

The last page was her last letter for me.

She was planning to give her heart to me. And she did.

One more step and you’ll make it…

I opened the door that led to the hospital’s rooftop. I was too preoccupied and I didn’t realize it was already evening. It rained during the afternoon yet the sky acted like it didn’t. The sky was decorated with stars. And the one she liked, Orion, was there. Beside the constellation was a tiny star that wasn’t even there before.

It must be her. A very little, yet bright star. She’s watching over me, guiding me, just like what she had promised.

I closed my eyes, said a sincere prayer and looked up to see the star twinkling brightly.

“Are you doing well as a star?” I asked and felt my eyes sting with tears. “I envy the moon, since he’s closer to you than me. But I’m worried… Are you crying too? Have you been doing well?”

I gathered the courage to reach for one thing inside my backpack and read it once again.

Her notebook.

I flipped open to the last page where she wrote her last note for me.

Hyuk,

I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to see you fighting too hard just to make me happy. It pains me to see you hurting. I’m sorry I’m not there to see you open your eyes again and start a new life. I’m sorry for not staying with you during the operation. I’m afraid, even if I don’t tell you, but I’m more afraid of losing you. We’ll still grow old together. I’m still with you. But I want you to know that even if I’m not physically beside you anymore, I will always be guiding you. Like a star. Promise me you’ll look for me somewhere in that wide sky. A little star will be always waiting for you.

I love you, with all that I am.