feather of truth

Date: November 2013
Author: anonymouO
Story Link: Link
Reviewed by: Sabrinamay

Title: 4/5
I like the title a lot. I think that it draws people in to read your stories because it is something that everyone experiences. Everyone in our modern world wish that they can turn back time to a peroid where things were good and happy. As we grow up, time seems to fade quicker than usual. Normally, I would think that a title as long as yours would be slightly too long but in this case it suits the story perfectly. It is a brief summarization and it remained the main theme of the entire story : Of how Sulli and Kai were racing against time. I am not too sure about the title being totally in capslock. Some people might think that it is a bit overwhelming. Forme, I think that it is a good way to attract attention and it is your own unique style.

Description/Foreword: 4/5
Your foreword and description are very interesting. After I read the entire story, I really appreciated how you put some of the elements from Sulli's letter and Kai's thoughts into the foreword. It was able to bring me back to the beginning of the story when I was almost finishing it. The way you wrote the description and the foreword made me wonder and want to know what had happened and what was going to happen next. I do not think that it revealed too much of the story because what you wrote as the main story was what happened after the foreword. There were a few grammatical errors though : 
Our story aren't suppose to end like this = stories

Plot and Organization: 22/30
I thought that the plot was relatively acceptable. There were a few issues where I was left wondering. Though this is something good as it is might give off a sense of mystery, it should not be used in every situation. For example:

1. At the beginning of the story, we see Kai going to Sulli's house and then we find out later on that he went there for some closure. The issue here is what made him go back to her house after such a long period of staying away?
2. When Sulli was hurt at the grocery store, Kai immediately went to help her and followed her to the hospital. After that, we see him even holding her hand. It was mentioned that even he himself did not know why he acted that way. I think it is alright at that moment in time to leave it a mystery. However, it should have been explained later on in the story. It is not very believable for Sulli to trust a stranger that she had just met. Even if it is a story, there has to be some essence of reality to it.
3. Sulli had leukemia and she was going to die in two months time. Even though it makes a very good story, it is quite difficult and almost impossible for a cancer patient who is not getting any treatment to be as active as Sulli was. Kai and Sulli even jumped into a river which is one of the causes for leukemia if it were during the winter.
I call these loop holes. They are issues that if not resolved, will cause your story to lose marks for this category.
About the organization of your story, it was acceptable as well. Since there are so many scenes, it isbetter for you to separate them into a few chapters. This allows you to further describe those scenes and allow the story to flourish even more. If you really want the story to be a one shot, you can separate the scenes by using symbols to make it less messy. ( * ) Besides that, if you want to separate the scenes using the word ''Flashback'', it is advised to use it every single time Kai thinks back to the past. Some readers might get confused if it is only used for certain occasions.
 

Characterization: 9/10
From your story, I can pick out three different characters who played important roles. First of all, Kai would be the main character. I think that you described him quite well. Through different scenes in the story, we know that he is someone who really cares for the person that he loves. However, that is what makes him weak. You managed to portray him well when he was going through depression when Sulli died.
Secondly, Sulli was portrayed as this really happy and adventurous girl that liked to do crazy things. When she was ill, you described her physical appearance. If you want to make a bigger impact on your audience,you can write about a drastic change in Sulli's personality as well. Of how it affected herself, her parents and also Kai.
Thirdly, Sulli's mother also played quite a big role in the story. She was always there to support Sulli and even more importantly, to support Kai. I think that Sulli's mother really helped to bring out Kai as a character. If she were not in the story, Kai would have no one to push him along and discover the happiness that Sulli wanted for him.

Originality: 6/10
This would not be my first time reading about people falling in love and then one of them dying due to illness. The other falls into depression then manages to pull his way out. It is quite a normal theme when it comes to love stories. When it comes to the factor of originality, you need to think about what has already been done and what you need to do to make it original. For example: Kai's letter. It does fit rather well. However, if you could not think of your own letter, I would have preferred if you had changed certain things in the letter to make it more original. Base it on Sulli's letter and make Kai's letter a reply to hers. Think about what has been done and do the exact opposite, all the while sticking to your general theme.

Language: 8/15
I know that English is not your first language so I will just give you some basic pointers on how to improve. I will not dwell too long on this or go into too much detail.
It is very important to get the tenses correct. If not, it might affect the entire story. Your story mainly uses the past tense but there were many incidents where you used the present tense instead. On the other hand, the present tense should be used for Sulli's letter.
There were also some minor spelling mistakes. The word 'I' should also always be in capital.