siwon/bom, mentionof!dongwook/bom | au | pg-13 | character death, language

prompt: the love of my young days is ending like this, you have to be happy. even if a long time passes by, we’ll still remember each other. those times when there was still “us”

she had always prefer this particular coffee house. its many ratty couches, giant chessboard, shelves of books, fireplace, and old, non-matching lamps really remind her of the comfy, settled-in cafes she loved as a college student in berkeley. their espresso-based drinks are above average, and they serve everything in giant white mugs that they bring to whatever corner you hunker down into.

bom had chose her favorite corner, hidden from stray eyes and ears, giving her the rare opportunity to focus on herself; which is something she couldn’t achieve being a vocal trainer for the young idols from a famous entertainment company.

she is having her breakfast; freshly roasted coffee and warm sandwich, but unlike her usual days, she takes time with her meal, since it’s her day-off. she let her eyes wander around the café, watching the couples – old and young – with fond smile gracing her face. she wonders about the story of each couples; how they first met, where they first met, how long they had been together. given her age, she heard so many first meeting stories from people around; coffee shop, high school library, bookstore, frat party and so on.

where did you and siwon-ssi first met?

bom’s smile widens at remembering the question one of the trainees had asked her. she had smiled awkwardly, trying to wave the question away because she knows what kind of expression they’ll make if she’d ever answer their question. she knows because she’s seen them. she knows and she prefers not being looked like that.

(we met at the hospital)

it was a sunny evening outside but bom sighed heavily at her casted foot. she will never play adventure time with the other kids anymore and the thought pissed her off. she slumped against the stiff chair, waiting for her mother to take the prescribed medicines from the pharmacy. she was bored and in a very foul mood and all she wants is to go back home and lock herself in the room until she can get rid of the stupid cast.

she blamed the anesthetic. or maybe she’s just tired. but she blames it anyway because she didn’t realize she had been sleeping waiting for her mother and that she’d been drooling on a stranger’s shoulder for the past 30 minutes.

she blabbered out apology with her cheeks reddened in embarrassment because as a 12 years old girl she was taught to behave properly in public but right now she had caused the blob of saliva on the sleeve of a kid younger than her. what if he cries and tells his mom? and what if his mom tells on her mom? she would be a dead meat.

“it’s okay,” the boy suddenly said, a small smile formed on his face and bom was caught for a moment because a boy shouldn’t look so dashing and mature.

maybe she was staring or maybe the boy is just friendly, but then bom found a hand extended to her direction and the handsome smile grew wider (oh, dimples), my name is siwon, he said, voice so soft that can be barely caught by bom’s ears and she stared.

bom stared at the hand. then at the boy. then at the hand. then at siwon. she lightly scratched her cheek and thought why not? she loves making new friends anyway. she grabbed the hand and shook it a bit too heartily, bom, i’m park bom.

siwon nodded, probably memorizing her name (because she was doing the same, etching the name ‘siwon’ on her brain so that she will never forget) and before she could ask his age, her mother had come with the medicines. when she was being drag away by her mother, bom looked at siwon over her shoulder and saw the boy waving at her with a toothy grin.

she decided they should be best friend.

--

bom walks into her favorite flower shop just across the street from the coffee house. it was small and innocuous and she remembers the first time she passed the flower shop, she was instantly compelled to go inside. it was dimly lit, smelled of mulch and everything looks exactly how it had been for the past years. she walks down the familiar aisles of potted plants; taking in gnarled leaves, streaks of red and green, exotic blooms and faces of all shapes.

“can you get me a bouquet of orange blossom please?” she asks the florist. she notices that the new florist is much younger than the previous one, “you’re the ahjumma’s daughter?” she inquires, which the girl replies with smile and a nod, “just helping my mother with the shop.”

the girl carefully picks out stems for a bouquet and bom looks around while she waits for the flowers to be ready. she remembers coming here many years ago, with her beau and the ahjumma had always teasing them about being a cute married couple. she has to smile at the memory, how the time flies, they were just teenagers back then.

“eternal love,” the girl suddenly says, bringing bom’s attention to her, “is this for someone special, miss?”

bom’s cheeks dusted with pink when soft giggles coming from the younger one, it’s his birthday, she explains, he’s always into this kind of stuff you know, saying it’s romantic and all.

“you’re a lucky person then.”

bom thinks she is lucky.

(the luckiest person on earth)

cloudless day accompanied by the lucid sun and bom met siwon for the second time. she went to the hospital with her mother, this time to remove the cast from her foot (oh the awaited day) and she had been searching for siwon all day.

“are you sure you’re not coming?” her mother asked and she waved her away, yeah, just get me some bread. i’ll wait here.

her mother was probably looking at her weirdly (and thought, what’s wrong with this girl because bom is always ecstatic when it involves food) but bom didn’t notice because she had her eyes all over the longue looking for the boy from weeks ago. the young boy with handsome smile and cute dimples (but wait, how is he handsome and cute in the same time) and gentleman demeanour (and he’s like what, 10?).

a grin broke across her face when the boy that’s been filling up her mind until no space left walked slowly to her direction, that same dimpled smile gracing his handsome features. “you’re here again,” he sat beside bom, small legs dangling above the waxed marble floor.

“i get my cast removed,” bom answered cheerily, shaking her feet for a good measure, i can play again.

“how lucky,” siwon sighed, his shoulder dropped and bom sees a small young boy who looks…young and she pondered if she was at fault for bringing the mood down. “i’ve always want to go out and play.”

“don’t you have any friends?” bom questioned, because the boy seems lovable and very kind. he should have many friends. but the slow shake of his head tells otherwise, “no one really wants to play with me. they said i’m weak. there are hyukjae and donghae but mom won’t let me play with them.”

bom’s lips twisted and pursed and she grabbed siwon’s hand, let’s go outside, she said, eyes wide and bright with sunny yellow of happiness. siwon didn’t even had the time to reply or to tell bom how his mom wouldn’t like it because the girl already dragged him half the way towards the exit.

siwon didn’t have that many chance to go outside and bom knows that from the way he seems to e awed by the nature; the golden rays of sunshine, the green leaves, the fresh waft of breeze, the lively people around them. bom feels a sense of accomplishment, like she had done a good deed. so she dragged siwon around, buying him that delicious tteokbokki across the street, showing him the park she always goes to, and that bridge where you can see the ocean.

“bom noona,” siwon called out as they walked back to the hospital (she found out that siwon is 2 years younger than her, which is cute if you ask her since she doesn’t have a younger brother), the sun is beginning to set and the sky is painted with orange. she looked at the younger one and stopped when she saw his face paled and tiny droplets of sweat beginning to form on his forehead, “i’m a bit tired.”

“are you okay?” she asked, concern and anxious but siwon still managed out a shaky smile to assure her that he’s fine and just need a rest. she suggested that they should take a break for a while but siwon insisted that they go back to the hospital as soon as possible for their mothers must be worried about them.

so they walked and bom settled on holding siwon’s hand when his steps were getting slower. the younger one said nothing, only inching closer to her. when they arrived, siwon’s mother was the one to greet them, with exclamation of oh my god, siwon, where have you been, i was so worried and a suffocating hug.

“who’s this?”

bom straights up her body when siwon’s mom looked at her and from the way she looked at her, there’s a possibility she will blame her for taking siwon out of the hospital. she’s a dead meat. she was sure about it.

“this is my friend,” siwon suddenly said, “bom noona’s the one who brought me back to the hospital. i got bored so i go out. she found me.”

siwon’s mom gave her a onceover before a pretty smile broke across her face and bom let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding,” thank you, bommie-ah.”

“i-it’s okay, auntie,” bom flustered at the endearing way siwon’s mom called her name, her cheeks reddened. they said goodbye to each other and bom watched siwon walked away with his mother hand-in-hand. she raised her brows when siwon looked over his shoulder, flummoxed when he winked at her cheekily.

“is he really 10?” she mused silently, her eyes never leaving the pair until they disappear behind swarming doctors and patients. she then remembered how siwon’s face paled and sweats formed on his forehead, “he’s such a weakling,” she thought before shrugging, “i’ll have to take him out more often, toughen him up.”

that was park bom’s current mission. and also to explain to her mother where she disappeared to.  

--

after having her bouquet of orange blossom arranged beautifully, bom pays the florist, leaving her extra tips for making it pretty. she gets into the car and place the bouquet on the passenger seat. she stares at the flowers for a moment, her fingertips lightly caress the white petals.

i understand why you like them, she speaks out softly, they’re beautiful, just like you. beautiful on the outside and have a deep meaning behind its beauty. she chuckles at her own muse when her phone rings. she answers the call, yeah i got the flowers. i’m on my way.

her smile widens at the other person’s words,

“i love you too.”

(dear)

sunshine on a balmy day in june. bom skinned her knee while playing soccer with her friends and instead of going to the hospital to get treated, she meets siwon and have the younger one to tend her wound.

you’re very active for a girl, noona, siwon commented softly as he dabs the antiseptic over her reddened knee. bom laughed against the melting corn flavoured ice cream, her pink lips smeared with the pale yellow cream. siwon hushed her, telling her to stay still as he puts on the plaster and bom complained about him being overly matured for a 14 years old.

“i have to be mature because of you, noona,” siwon said, wiping the stain over bom’s plump lips, “you’re too childish.”

bom wants to come with a reply, she really does. but the moment the pad of siwon’s thumb swiped across her lips, she feels the time just stopped; as cliché as it sounds. she didn’t even realize her ice cream had melted and dripping on the bench at the back of siwon’s house and that siwon had been calling her name numerous times.

“what?” she blinked, finally brought back from her momentary trance and siwon laughed, “you’re always spacing out noona.” he wiped her hand, chastising her about getting herself in a sticky situation and what would she do without him but all bom could think of is about the boy turning man in front of her.

done, siwon smiled in satisfaction, it’s still sticky, so you have to wash—

siwon couldn’t finish his words, not when bom leaned in and kissed the corner of his lips. it supposed to be a simple, innocent kiss on the cheek, but bom deliberately kiss on the spot closer to his lips, just because.

that’s a thank you, she lamely explained at the surprised look on siwon’s face, for helping me. siwon said nothing (not that bom expects anything, but he could tone down the staring) and bom scratched her cheek before standing up, i’m going, see you later, and turned to make her exit.

that’s when she heard the dull thud and the moment she turned around, siwon was already on the ground. unconscious.

i should’ve told you before but siwon won’t let me, i’m sorry, you must’ve been so surprised, siwon’s mom explained with teary eyes, strings of words coming from but bom could only hear the dull thud when siwon collapsed on the ground. his body was very weak when he was a child, that’s why he’s always at the hospital, she continued.

that’s why he never answers me when i ask, bom thought. the doctor comes out and said that he had stabilized. her mother cries out her gratitude and bom quietly entered the room. everything was white and siwon had his usual dimple smile when he saw her.

why didn’t you tell me? bom demanded, felling betrayed and hurt and crushed. they’ve known each other for four years and not a single word about this. siwon smiled apologetically, i don’t want you to treat me differently.

“stupid,” bom countered, “who would treat you differently? i will still drag you around if i had known.”

siwon chuckled, “you wouldn’t.”

he was right, she wouldn’t. she wouldn’t drag him around, selfishly shows him all the her favourite places just to see that awed look on his face. she wouldn’t hassled him with her problems and make him help her. but she would treat him better; maybe she would carry him on a bicycle as they go around the town (and a car when she gets her driver license), and instead of telling him her problems, she’ll ask about his.

while she thinks about a million things of how to treat siwon better, tears fall from her eyes, rolling down her cheeks and dripped on siwon’s frail hand. siwon panicked a little, why are you crying, i’m fine, right? don’t worry about me, mom always exaggerate about my condition, i’m fine, really, noona, stop crying please.

five minutes, 300 of tick tocks on the clock, that’s how long she cried before she stopped after siwon’s countless begs and pleas. she hiccupped, shoulders jumped in jerky movements and she held siwon’s hand tightly, fear of letting him go.

“i’ll be fine noona,” siwon promised, confident as ever and bom feels the tears pricking behind her eyes, “i’m going to live a long life, so can you smile for me? it would sadden me if you treat me differently from before.”

and that’s how bom’s new mission emerged, to never let a single tear drop from her eyes. not in front of siwon.

it’s a vow she will never break.

--

bom sighed at the traffic; it’s been fifteen minutes and she’s still stuck at the same spot. she looked at her watch, if this goes on, she won’t make it on time. she took her phone and dialled a number, waiting for a short second for the other one to pick up.

i’m stuck in a traffic, she said, i don’t know if i can make it on time.

it’s okay, i just got out from the office, the other one informed, no need to rush.

she laughed softly, it’s an important day, i don’t want to be late.

i know.

(of course)

one autumn evening and they sprawled out in the sun, watching the clouds, pinkies shyly touched each other.  bom glanced up to the clouds lazily spotting the horizon with nowhere to be. she envied the clouds, just a little bit, hate how they’re mocking them; drifting above, the pure whiteness against the clear blue sky.

“stupid clouds. just floating up there without a damn worry at all,” she mumbled, scrunching her nose in displeased.

“you’re jealous of clouds, noona?” there are amusement in siwon’s voice and bom forgot her hate for the defiant, smug clouds. “i’m envying them for you, she explained, aren’t you jealous?”

siwon couldn’t run or jump like other kids when he was younger and he definitely couldn’t do any of those now. even walking seems to be like the hardest task for him. but he said nothing, not even a single word of complain comes from him whenever he tumbles because his legs refusing to accept the signals from his brain. it would always be nervous smile or shaky laughter or maybe strings of apologies for being such a burden, and that’s why bom envies for him, angry for him, sad for him.

“i’m not jealous,” (see?) siwon chuckled, “there’s nothing to be jealous about.”

“not even when hyukjae and donghae run around the field playing soccer, or when they get to go to the amusement park? not even all your classmates, except you, went to that field trip at jeju island? not even once?” bom questioned, like rapid bullets.

siwon gave it a thought, a short one before he cracked out a cheeky smile, “nope. never.”

“why?”

“i was born with this noona,” siwon told her, “it’s a part of me, like how you like singing.”

“that’s different.” i won’t die because i love singing, she thought grudgingly.

“no it’s not,” siwon countered, “it’s the same. the point is, no matter how much i complained or gets angry for not knowing how is it to be a normal person, it wouldn’t change anything. anger or frustration won’t cure my sickness, in fact i think it’ll worsen my health.”

that’s why you chose to stay positive even though so many s you have to go through? bom’s face softened, almost like pity but it’s not (she will never looks at siwon in pity), it’s like admiration or some sort, as if siwon is some heavenly gift (blame that to the golden rays of sun illuminating his sharp, manly features).

“you’re strong,” she whispered, “well, not strong as in, physically strong,” they shared a hearty laughter, the birds flapping their wings away at hearing their laughter, “but you have a strong will. that’s good.”

“that’s because i have you, noona,” siwon smiled, “i have you and my parents, hyukjae and donghae, and knowing i have the people who always have my back, i guess that really help me to stay strong.”

bow wants to go aww at siwon’s words, but she couldn’t. they’re not that twelve and ten years olds who blow bubbles at siwon’s backyard. she’s seventeen and she knows, understands why she was always attracted to siwon, why she’s always gratified to him, why she has this protective feeling towards him.

she pushed herself up and leaned towards siwon, the angle of her body made her waist stung a bit but she didn’t care. her long black hair fell on both side of siwon’s head and she closed their distance before placing her lips against siwon’s softly; just a brush of lips against lips.

she pulled away and the pink on siwon’s cheekbones made her grin,

i love you.

--

bom stares up the building in front of her and then looks at the name plate. choi was engraved on the silver plate and bom runs her fingertips across the letters, a sense of nostalgia embraced her in a warm hug. she closes her eyes, her ears caught the faint laughter of a child from many years ago and she let the small smile breaks across her face.

she opens her eyes and exhales slowly; she’s not nervous, but there’s a feeling deep underneath that made her giddy and on her toes. she wasn’t sure if she should come here in the first place but it’s been a while and she finds it rude if she doesn’t stop by to say hello.

and so bom steps in, feeling oddly at home.

(home sweet home)

“again, siwon-ah?”

siwon smiled meekly from the hospital bed when bom sighed heavily as she drops her bag onto the visitor’s chair beside him. she glared at the two offenders, “hyukjae, donghae,” the two flinched at the venom in her voice, “what did you do again today?”

“it’s not their fault,” siwon interrupted, defending his friends, “i’m the one who insist to follow them.”

“he’s right noona,” donghae added quickly, “we told him that you won’t let him but he’s too stubborn.”

donghae bit his lips when bom glared at him disapprovingly. no matter how right donghae is, everyone knows whatever happens to siwon, bom will never blame her beau. it always put both hyukjae and donghae in a very stressful situation because bom will always attacks them if siwon was admitted to the hospital.

“it’s okay,” siwon said, trying to ease down the tension in the air, “i’m fine noona. hyukjae, donghae, what if you get yourself something to eat at the cafeteria? and get me something on your way back, okay?”

donghae muttered a soft okay as he and hyukjae exchanged brotherly hugs with siwon. they bowed shortly at bom before scurried their way out, leaving the pair on their own. bom sat on the chair, sending a pointed look towards siwon, which the younger one sighed at.

“i was bored,” he started his explanation and it’s the umpteenth time bom heard the same start. it always starts with i’m bored, i have nothing to do or i’m just bored, but like always, bom let siwon finished.

they took me to the ocean where you used to bring me to, he continued and bom relaxed visibly because she knows how much that place meant for siwon. it was the place bom dragged him when they first know each other. and siwon knows she have nothing to say when the ocean is involved. sneaky brat.

“it feels good to smell the salty breeze again,” yes, bom lost in this argument because siwon was wearing that serene look on his face and bom just, lost. she pulled out a smile and caressed siwon’s hand, “you’re happy?”

a short nod and bom sighed in defeat, “alright but next time don’t go around without me. okay?”

“okay,” siwon promised. he placed his own hand on top of bom’s, “how’s your day?”

“busy,” bom answered with a shrug, “we’re preparing for the prom by the end of this week.”

“time flies,” siwon suddenly said, a puff of breath escaped his chapped lips, “i didn’t realize. next thing we know, we’re already in college, then working and then grow old. i wonder if i’ll get to that point…”

“what are you talking about?” bom hushed him, a frown settled on her brows, “of course you’ll get to that point. you’re going to inha university like you always want, you’ll get to work in your own office, sealing contracts like a pro and this hair,” she ran her fingers through siwon’s jet black hair, “this hair will grow gray and your face, she traced his cheek, they’ll be all wrinkly and old.”

“you’ll die of old age,” she assured him, “but before that you’ll live your life doing everything you want.”

and there’s that smile again. that hopeful smile that made bom’s insides churned and her heart to tug violently. she promised herself that she’ll be strong, but day by day she found her own resolve begins to show signs of cracks. if she hadn’t force herself together, she would already crumble like pieces of glass.

“anyhow,” she changed the subject, “i can’t wait for prom night. you’re coming right?”

“i am?”

bom pouted and hit siwon’s arm playfully, earning a jovial laughter from the said male, “you promised me you’ll be my prom date.”

“of course i remember noona,” siwon chuckled, “i can’t wait for prom too.”

seconds turn to minutes, minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days and the awaited prom night arrived. bom opted to wear a classic black dress that shows off her admirable legs. you looked beautiful, her mother had smiled proudly and she swears her father shed a few tears, seeing his girl growing up.

siwon arrived a moment later, and the young boy bom met six years ago is now standing tall and gentle and stunning in his black designer tux, his black hair styled like those idols she saw on tv, a dimpled smile gracing his handsome features. when bom stood before him, he puts on corsage around her wrist while bom fixed up the white gardenia boutonnière on the lapel of siwon’s tuxedo.

you looked like a married couple, her mom cooed and bom burnt red in embarrassment while siwon only let out his usual warm laugh. her sister insisted that they took a couple of pictures together, but all bom wants is to get out of the house before any further embarrassment from her family.

you looked gorgeous was the first thing siwon said when they’re in the limo. “you too,” she replied bashfully, because really, siwon looks extremely gorgeous that night. she had always known siwon is a handsome lad, but since he would always has that tired look on his face and wearing shirts and tracks on his usual days, seeing him all dressed up in designer tux really brings out his charm. for a second there, bom was afraid siwon would attract too many girls.

when they arrived in front of the school gym, there are already students arriving in couples, sometimes groups. she spotted a few of her friends and also hyukjae and donghae. she glanced at siwon and giggled silently at the look of astonishment on siwon’s face.

“don’t act like you’ve never been here,” she teased, nudging siwon’s side.

“but it’s been awhile, he defended.” and it really is. it’s been five months since siwon’s been in their school before he had to take a break because of his health and it’s been years since he came to the gym because his teachers would excuse him from p.e, also because of his health.

now that she thinks about it, siwon’s health problems made him missed so many things.

what are you thinking? she reprimanded herself, what’s important is for siwon to be happy now. past is the past.

she braced herself and enter the hall and was welcomed by the festivity of the night—the blaring music and the chatting of the students complete with almost too shiny decorations covering every corner of the gym. hyukjae and donghae came to them, bringing a glass of punch for each of them. they talked about school and college and who’s going to be the prom king and queen. hyukjae bets on the high school sweetheart, kwon jiyong and sandara park while donghae bets on the infamous lee chaerin and her beau wu yifan.

i bet it would be us, bom said instead, i mean look at us, we’re match made in heaven.

but noona, they’ll pick the popular pair, hyukjae countered, even gong minji and kim jongin from dance club can beat you two.

yeah, too bad siwon is not popular in school. if only he could come to school more often—

donghae shuts up when hyukjae covered his mouth with his hand and bom glared censoriously at his choice of words. siwon laughed off the tense atmosphere, it’s okay, hyukjae. donghae is right.

sorry, donghae muttered before hyukjae excused them both to avoid any blood spilling from bom’s wrath. the said female let out a heavy sigh as she turned to face siwon, looking apologetic as if she just killed his favourite pet, sorry about that siwon. you know it’s just donghae. he always says stupid things—

noona, siwon cuts her off, pulling her to the dance floor when slow music begins to play. he guides bom’s hands to his broad shoulders while he place his around her waist. once they are in position, they sway their bodies to the slow beat and shift their feet clumsily, making sure not to step on each other. she saw her friends standing at the side (chaerin, dara and minji) with their respective pair and she saw the look in their eyes.

donghae was wrong. siwon is not unpopular. in fact everyone in the school knows about him. they know him as that sick kid who skipped school a lot. they know him as that weak kid who never gets to experience how to play dodge ball. they know about bom, they know bom as his faithful girlfriend who won’t stay faithful after high school ends. they were sure that bom would leave him when college life greets them.

but that’s only because they don’t know enough. while they know dara and jiyong had been together for two years, chaerin and yifan for a year and minji and jongin for nine months, they don’t know siwon and bom had known each other for six years. they never know while in cafeteria during lunch, when dara and jiyong shared whispers to each other, chaerin and yifan fight over an ice cream and minji and jongin listened to music together, bom was sitting at the corner of the table, on the phone with a sad smile on her face as she listened to siwon’s voice. they know of dara and jiyong’s first date at the amusement park, chaerin and yifan’s first date at jeju island, minji and jongin’s first date at the nice restaurant down the street, but they don’t know their first date is bom nursing siwon in the hospital when the latter had an attack. they never know every day after school, when dara and jiyong walked hand in hand, yifan piggybacked chaerin and minji and jongin battled to the gate with joyful laughter, bom was checking notes from either hyukjae, donghae or any of siwon’s classmates, taking photo of the said notes and furiously copying it down later that night so that she can give it to siwon.

they will never know what kind of love bom had for siwon.

she leaned her head on siwon’s chest, closing her eyes, siwon.

hmm?

marry me.

she let out a breath when siwon stopped moving. she wasn’t sure what kind of reply she expected from siwon, but she just couldn’t hold it in any longer. if she hadn’t say the words, she was extremely sure the feelings are going to explode in her chest. she said nothing when siwon mutely dragged her out of the gym and the pair ended up standing outside the school building.

“noona,” siwon started, “i’m sorry.”

and that’s all bom needs to hear. she tugged her hand from siwon’s grip softly and massaged her temple as an awkward laugh escaped , i know, i’m sorry, she said instead, i shouldn’t push you to that level, sorry.

she turned to make an escape because she really needs to get out of siwon’s sight right now. she felt like crying and she knows it’s not because siwon rejected her. it’s something else, something she feared, her worst nightmare.

“noona, wait,” siwon grabbed her wrist and turned her around so that she’s facing him. bom a breath and hold her tears before blinking it away. she promised to never cry and she plans to keep that promise forever. she looked at siwon, wearing the calmest look she could muster.

“noona,” siwon called out, grabbing both of her hands, “i love you. you know that, right?”

she nodded.

“but i can’t say yes,” siwon added and bom doesn’t want to hear the continuation. she knows why siwon can’t say yes. he’s going to give excuse about his health and he’s not going to live long—

“because i want to propose instead,” her eyes snapped open at siwon’s words, widened at the soft smile on his face, “it may sound selfish but i want to propose instead. you’re always the first one in everything. the first to show me all your favorite places, the first to kiss, the first to say i love you. for once, i want to be the first. can i? can i be the one to propose first?”

“of course you can,” bom said, a face-splitting grin on her face as she pulled siwon in a hug, “of course you can, you idiot.”

i want it to be perfect, so can you wait when the time is right?

i’ll wait, siwon. no matter how long, i will wait.

--

bom attentively observes all the photos in the photo album on her lap. it’s the third one and the other two were stacked on the coffee table while the remaining two awaits next to her. mrs. choi is very fond in taking photos on every occasion she had with her precious son, from the day he was born to his graduation, every events that occurred in his life is captured and saved neatly in the photo albums. bom is wearing a very bright and serene smile as she goes through the photos, soft giggles escaping her lips when she sees any photos of the younger one that amused her.

she stops at the photo of her and siwon during the prom night. her mom had gave it to mrs. choi under her request. bom runs her manicured fingers over siwon’s smiling face, stopping just above his dimple and she caresses that lovely face with tenderness in her eyes.

it’s my favourite photo, mrs. choi walks in with tea and sits beside bom after she placed the tray on the coffee table and puts the three untouched photo albums on her lap. she is wearing the same gentle smile as bom as she looks at the photo of bom’s attention, i’ve never seen him glows like this.

bom chuckles and nods,

“me too.”

(it’s the best day we had)

he told me to keep it from you, bom pressed the heel of her palms on her eyes, but i couldn’t. you deserve to know.

bom removed her hand with a heavy sigh and mrs. choi could see the redness in her eyes. she had been holding her tears. for all these years, that’s what bom had always do—holding her tears.

“thanks, auntie,” she spoke with a hoarse voice, “thank you for telling me.”

there’s something dancing in mrs. choi’s eyes when she looked at bom. it as was something forlorn and it screams out remorse. she grabbed bom’s hand, “i’m sorry, bommie-ah.”

bom said nothing. because she didn’t know what to say. mrs. choi had done nothing to ask for her forgiveness. so why?

it must be hard for you, she said and bom realized where this is going, you have a long way to go in your life. you’re still young. but…but you’re still here. she cupped bom’s face and the pad of her thumb her cheek in tenderness, i feel like we’re preventing you to spread your wings and see what the world outside has to give you. if you ever feel burdened, or if you want to leave, just know that we’re not going to stop you, dear. it’s okay if you want to leave. i don’t want you to waste your time for us.

mrs. choi’s voice trembled the whole time and bom understands because it’s like she’s implying her precious gem, her son is a burden and she was moved to tears at how far the older one would go just to set her free. she grabbed the hand on her cheek, the signs of aging begins to show by the faded wrinkles on the back of her palm and bom thought it was beautiful because these are the same hands that hold her favourite person like a fragile angel.

“i can’t fly away, auntie,” she whispered, “my wings are here. i can’t fly away without my wings.”

hard sobs escaped the older choi’s lips at bom’s words and she continued with a smile that is genuine and sincere, “i promised that i’ll be there for him no matter what and i’m not planning to break that promise.”

“he told me this disease was born with him, a part of him and that’s why he learned to accept it and that’s the same for me. being with him—he—was a part of me. so how can i live with half of me is far away?”

she hold in the tears that threatened to fall and managed out a shaky smile, “i just need him, auntie. i don’t need anything else. i’m not leaving. ever.”

mrs. choi covered as her cries grew louder, her tears dripping onto her lap. she wondered what good deed she had done in her past lives to be blessed with such angel in her – and her son’s – moment of darkness.

the doctor came a moment later, informing that siwon’s condition has stabilized and they can see him now. he reminded that siwon must not be put in any kind of stress and bom nodded hurriedly, impatient to see her beloved.

you go in first, mrs. choi croaked out, i don’t want him to see me like this. bom squeezed her shoulder in understanding fashion and walks in.

siwon was lying on his bed. intravenous tube inserted in his right wrist and an oxygen mask mounted on his nose and mouth to help his breathing. thin, pale face as white as snow, his eyes were radiating pain and tiredness but there’s a layer of serenity only for bom.

“hey,” she called out softly, pulling out a smile as she sat on the chair beside his bed. she ached to run her fingers through his messy locks or to simply hold his hand but he looked weak and fragile, as if he would break only from a small touch to his body and bom fears.

“how are you?” she asked, although she knew the answer. she just wants to break the silence. to drown the beep, beep, beep of the heart machine. she hates it. she hates how it taunts her, how it reminds her the beep beep beep is a countdown and if it stops then—

she wretched her mind from the thought, shoving it deep inside the part of her mind that she couldn’t reach. she smiled at siwon, waiting for his unneeded answer.

“i’m fine,” lies, “it hurts a bit,” lies, “but i’m used to it,” truth.

“i’m sorry noona,” he suddenly said, “the proposal…took longer than it supposed to be.”

“it’s only been two years,” don’t worry, bom dismissed the topic, “don’t think about it.”

“but—”

“siwon.” he shuts.

“i heard you’re moving,” he spoke out after a brief silence, “to the state?”

bom looked down, to her fiddling fingers, “my dad got a job offer there.”

“you can transfer to berkeley like you’ve always want,” there’s a fade mirth in siwon’s voice, “when are you leaving?”

“i’m not,” she looked into siwon’s eyes, “i’m not leaving anywhere.”

siwon was trying to object, and bom could see it in his eyes so she cuts him off, “i’m not leaving anywhere, siwon. and you’re going to take care of your health and go to the graduation party and then propose to me, okay?”

in the end she did leave. her father won’t let her stay in korea alone so she was forced to move to los angeles. she didn’t shed a tear though because siwon was there, exchanging long hugs and goodbyes as he sent her off. but she made sure she kept in touch with siwon, voice calls in the morning, emails in the noon and video calls in the night. sometimes hyukjae or donghae helps, holding the laptop as she video chats with siwon lying on the hospital bed.

she also keeps siwon’s health in check through his mother and reprimands the younger one if he lies. that had been their routine.

until a year later, bom decides postpone her studies and comes back to korea.

--

“are you going to meet him later?” mrs. choi asks over tea. they just finished going through all the photos, sharing their laughter at the old memories.

“yeah,” bom smiles, “it’s the first time i celebrate his birthday after coming back to korea.”

the older female nods in understanding and places down her teacup as she looks at bom gently, “how have you been?”

“i’m fine,” she answers, “i think. i’m still trying.”

“at least you have him,” mrs. choi suddenly says and she brushes off bom’s guilty look with a chuckle, “i’m not angry at you, honey. i’m happy. you should bring him here for dinner some other times.”

bom smiles back, her eyes glisten with crystal tears she tries to hold, “i will.”

“thank you, bommie-ah,” mrs. choi caresses bom’s hair affectionately and bom really misses this. this gentleness and showers of love coming from this family, “you’re such an angel for staying with him. even until now. i don’t even know how to tell you how grateful we are to have someone like you loving him.”

“it’s nothing auntie,” bom says, “i’m just giving back what i got from him.”

(because it’s love that i’ve got, then it’s love that i’ll give)

breathe in. breathe out. checks the mirror. mascaras—check. eyeliners—check. lips—red. face—imperfections be gone. hair— ruffled a bit. fix them. okay. perfect.

inhale. exhale.

bom looks around her—there’s nothing to look at because she’s alone in this fancy restaurant but it’s just the thing she did when she’s nervous. she remembered receiving a note and a gift box from siwon via hyukjae, telling her to dress up and be at this restaurant at 8. she demanded to know what is siwon’s plan, but hyukjae merely gave her his famous gummy smile and walked away with a creepy grin.

but it won’t be hard to guess.

right now, bom is smiling dumbly to herself. she’s been restraining her face muscles from smiling so widely (because it’ll ruin her make-up) but she’s too giddy and excited to keep calm. she keeps replaying all possible scenarios of siwon proposing to her and it boost up her level of excitement even more.

breathe in. breathe out. checks the mirror. mascaras—check. eyeliners—check. lips—paled from too much drinking water. puts on some lipstick. face—still perfect. hair—check. okay. okay.

inhale. exhale. heavily. shoulders sagged.

bom checked her phone. it’s already forty minutes past nine and siwon is still nowhere to be found. she sighed for the umpteenth time before comforting herself, he must be planning something grand in the last minute. that’s just him. or maybe he caught in traffic?

but he should’ve call or something.

bom drank the fifth glass of water.

breathe in. breathe out. mascara—don’t care. eyeliners— off. lips—why bother? face—sour. hair—bed hair. okay? not okay.

inhale and sigh and groan.

bom huffed angrily as she checks her phone. it’s almost eleven and still no sign of siwon. it’s been three hours and she had down almost ten glasses of water and goes to the bathroom for four times already. she didn’t like it when someone broke a promise, and since it’s siwon it disappoints her more than it angers her. he didn’t even bother to call or text her or even answering any of her calls.

this, she gritted out, standing up roughly, cringing at how the chair scraped against the floor. she was about to make her way out (and plot a revenge and a speech on how you should keep your promise and answer your girlfriend’s call for siwon) hyukjae suddenly enters the restaurant; wearing a suit with a few of his top buttons undone and loosened tie. his hair was messy and he was panting heavily in front of bom.

but it’s the look in his eyes that tells bom something was off.

--

“you should come by here more often,” mrs. choi reminds bom as they walk out of the house. “with him i hope.”

they laugh together and bom nods, “sure auntie. i’ll make sure to bring him next time.”

“that’s good to hear,” mrs. choi chuckles softly, “you bought orange blossom for him?”

“yeah, i promised to get him a bouquet for one of his birthdays,” bom tells her, “too bad i didn’t do it sooner.”

“it’s okay, honey,” mrs. choi coaxes, squeezing her shoulder in assurance, “he would be happy anyway. you knew that.”

bom laughs, hoping it doesn’t come out as a force, “you’re right.”

(i hope)

inhale. exhale. inhale. exhale. pound. pound. pound. thump. thump. thump. clack. clack. clack—heels be damned. step. step. step. run.

he had an attack on his way here. i told him to go to the hospital. but he refused and insisted on going to the restaurant. it gets worst so i told the driver to go to the hospital instead. i’m sorry noona i should’ve just dragged him to the ing hospital i’m—

heavy pants. calm down.

bom slowly stepped into the room, her bare feet silently bring her closer to siwon. as she gets closer, she saw siwon had his eyes closed, his body was still, but the beep beep beep of the heart machine told her he’s still here. she approached him as stealthily as possible, afraid if her sudden movements can break him.

but this is siwon. he has this invisible bom-detector somewhere in him. his eyes slowly opened when bom was beside him and bom swears she wants to choke and gasp and sob right there and then but she just couldn’t.

promise.

noona, siwon’s voice was soft. and hoarse. and pained. bom wants to stop him when he removed his oxygen mask, but she was frozen on her spot, too afraid to move.

i’m sorry, he whispered, followed by a sharp inhale (and bom internally flinched), i—i thought i could make it—

siwon, she finally managed out. shakily. shut up. close your eyes. stop thinking. just. ing. rest.

noona, siwon called out and his eyes fluttered close before he forced them open and inside, bom is screaming in agony and throwing a tantrum, noona, i want to go to the ocean. can—can i go to the ocean?

bom wretched her eyes from siwon to mr. and mrs. choi standing by the door, to hyukjae and donghae behind them and she then looks back to siwon. using the last bit of her strength to pull out a soft smile.

sure.

--

bom lets out a sigh and breaks off her trance. she turns to the orange blossom beside her and stares at the beautiful bouquet for a moment before picking it up and steps out of the car. the wind blew against her face and she smiles at the salty scent of the ocean.

she walks carefully, her heels digging into the sand and she balances her body, taking slow and steady steps. she stops by the sea, running her fingers through her wind-blown hair as she let her eyes drink in the nostalgic scenery.

happy birthday, she whispers to the wind, sorry for being late.

her smile widens when she feels a warm embrace from behind.

(hey you)

noona.

hmm?

do you know why i love the ocean?

because it’s the first place i showed you?

yeah and there’s another reason.

cold night in april and they sat side by side by the ocean. the stars glimmered against the black canvas of the sky and the breeze was singing them a lullaby. bom had her head on siwon’s shoulder, both of them wrapped in a warm blanket as they watched the darkness of the sea.

“the ocean reminds me of you,” siwon tells her idly and bom wrapped her arm around his shivering body, “it’s majestic and never-ending, just like you. and sometimes it scares me because i will never know what’s on the other side. that’s why i always come here. everyday, if i can. i’m afraid if i missed one day then something’s gonna happen and the ocean will change.”

“i’m afraid of not knowing the real you,” he confesses and coughed, “what if there’s more about you that i don’t know after all these years and one day if i look away, you’re going to change and leave me? i’m scared of these possibilities.”

“am i selfish, noona?” he asked and bom saw the ten-years-old boy she met at the hospital almost ten years ago. “am i selfish for wanting you to stay by my side? watching as i withered away? to keep you here by my side when i know you have the whole world waiting for you?”

“i think i’m an awful person,” siwon looks back at the ocean and rested his head on bom’s head, “do you think i’m an awful person, noona?”

“yes,” bom answered, “you’re awful for thinking that you’re awful.”

there’s a smile on siwon’s face and bom didn’t dare to look. but it was there. she can feel it even with her face buried in siwon’s neck, she can feel it against her hair, “then will you marry this awful person?”

“yes,” she answered for the second time, “yes i will,” and the smile grew wider. it grew wider and it stayed like that until the sun peeks out from the horizon and the sky is painted with orange and yellow hues.

and when bom finally looks up, siwon had his eyes close, his smile present and she laid him down, brushing the strands of his hair and she kissed his forehead.

i love you.

--

“you’re here on time,” bom points out and giggles when the other one kissed the top of her head.

“i thought being on time is one of your life principles?” he questions and bom looks up with a frown, “i told you i got caught in the traffic, dongwook oppa.”

dongwook lets out a laugh and it rumbles in her chest. he stops and motions to the bouquet in bom’s hand, “you got the flowers?”

“yeah,” she takes in the scent of the orange blossom before kneeling on one knee and placed the bouquet gently onto the sand. “happy birthday, siwon,” she calls out to the salty breeze and tiny waves, “you’re twenty-five this year and i got you the orange blossom like i promised.”

“i’m sorry i was late, siwon-ah. it took me five years to have the gut coming back here and face everything. i’m sorry i’m not your usually strong noona,” she chuckles. “i was here, because i got help, siwon-ah. i didn’t do this alone.”

dongwook has a gentle smile on his face as bom continues, “he helped me a lot, siwon-ah. he made me realize running away isn’t going to solve anything. it won’t remove the pain and anguish in me. he helped me to get on my feet. he’s my saviour.”

“but i still love you. so much. and you know what? he said it was okay. that he’s fine with it. he told me everyone has this one person they can never let go and it made me realize, that i’ve never really lose you in the first place, siwon-ah. he made me realize, i always had you. in my mind, in my heart.”

she pauses, “will it be okay if i marry this guy?”

the wind blows and bom lets out a breath as tears roll down her cheeks. the tears she kept for long fifteen years, the tears she promised to never shed at any cost, they burn down hot path on her cheeks and she never felt so free and light after siwon’s death. she chokes and gasps and hiccups and sobs as hard as she could and even without a single word utters, she is pouring her heart out.

siwon is her everything, the oxygen she breathe and the life she’s living. dongwook helps her to get on her feet and wraps her in protective shield of his arms.

bom feels at home with both.

a/n: omf finally i finished this series after a ing long year /throws rainbows and unicorns/ i want to thank everyone who had subscried and reading and commenting my fic like i love you so much thanks for ur support ;-;

i hope you enjoy this piece and any comments and subscribers are greatly welcomed <3