A/n: This has been a double update. If you haven't read the previous chapter, please go back. Also, this is another little Kaisoo half-chapter. I'm still trying to catch them up, and now they're only a week behind Baek/Seok/etc (yay~), so we're getting closer! Enjoy (maybe?) and happy Canada Day fellow Canadians!

Sunday evening, Kyungsoo was surprised when Jongin came home slightly after five o’clock and asked if he could eat dinner with him. Nothing was said about whether or not Jongin had slept over the night before, and Kyungsoo didn’t bring it up in case it had never actually happened. Kyungsoo wasn’t sure the last time Jongin had eaten, but the younger ate the meal put before him very quickly. Yet when he was done, he got up, like he was going to leave. At first, Kyungsoo didn’t stop him, watching as Jongin went to the door and slipped on his shoes. Then he went after him, standing over him as he tied his laces, not planning to just let Jongin go again.

Jongin straightened, and caught sight of Kyungsoo, bowing his head slightly. “Thanks for the meal,” he mumbled. Kyungsoo swallowed hard as the younger turned his back, biting down his pride.

“Wait, Jongin!” he called as the younger’s hand touched the doorknob. Jongin paused. “Please stay,” he said, far more quietly.

“No,” Jongin shook his head. “I should go.”

“Please,” Kyungsoo repeated, trying to be firm but still sounding weak. “I’m asking you to stay.” But Jongin opened the door anyway.

“I’m sorry,” Jongin told him without looking back. “I don’t belong here.” He stepped out, closing the door with a soft click. Biting his lip, Kyungsoo just shrugged it off and went back to the kitchen table, the pit in his throat making him feel nauseous. He sat, staring into his bowl of rice and picking up his spoon, moving the food around in his bowl for a moment. Then, abruptly, he slapped the bowl away from him, sending its contents flying and the bowl skittering across the table.

For a long time he sat staring at the mess, not moving or speaking, until he felt wetness on his thigh and looked down to see wet spots soaking his jeans where several tears had fallen. Feeling shocked and a bit appalled, he wiped at his cheeks and got up, heading off to the bathroom. He suddenly felt the urge to shower, and stripped out of his clothes, turning on the hot water and stepping in. For the next several minutes he just stood there, feeling very numb and blank. After a while, he felt his breath catching in his throat, and he leaned against the wall, trying to get a hold of himself. What was wrong now?

Kyungsoo was so tired of crying, but it felt like all he could do – and all he did do – lately. He didn’t want to, he didn’t enjoy it, and he didn’t even know why it was happening so much all of a sudden, but he hated it. And he couldn’t stop. It seemed like any time Jongin did anything, it triggered Kyungsoo’s waterworks, and he would go to bed and cry, sit on the couch and cry, go in the shower and cry… He needed to get Jongin out of his life.

No. He told himself that running away from his problems wouldn’t make them go away, but he wasn’t falling for it, of course. He couldn’t lie to himself. Kyungsoo just didn’t want Jongin to go. Not that he wanted to, not that he had let himself, but he’d grown somewhat attached to Jongin. Because the guy was always in trouble, and it made Kyungsoo worry; he wanted to keep an eye on him, make sure he was okay. He didn’t want him to get hurt, and he wanted to help him get away from his drugs and get better; at least until December, Kyungsoo wanted Jongin to stay safe. And he liked doing it. Feeding him, letting him sleep in his bed, just having him around – it was all nice, and Kyungsoo liked that Jongin was there.

Which was bad. It was so bad. He shouldn’t care about the drug-addict boy at all; he shouldn’t like how happy Jongin looked when he ate the food Kyungsoo cooked for him or the kind sincerity in his voice when he thanked him. He shouldn’t like the feeling of Jongin beside him when he slept, or just knowing that he was in the apartment, or seeing him walking around comfortably without his clothes on, just in his boxers. They were at ease with each other now, coexisting together. Well, they had been. Kyungsoo wished they still were.

Kyungsoo got out of the shower and went into his bedroom, picking up his phone and dialing a well-memorized number, feeling himself being choked by tears. There was ringing and then an answer in the voice he’d been hoping for.

“Mom?” he whispered.

“Kyungsoo?”

“Yeah,” he sniffled.

“What’s wrong?” she asked. “You sound upset…”

It had been nearly three months since they’d spoken, yet she sounded like no time had passed at all, like nothing in the world was between them. She was there for her son, no matter what, and it made Kyungsoo feel even worse, because she loved him so much even though she wasn’t supposed to, and he loved her just as much in return. And no matter what happened, she always just loved him and took care of him. (He didn’t take a lot of time to appreciate his mom, but it was sort of hitting hard right now how much she meant to him, and in his already emotional state it really wasn’t helping anything.)

“I miss you, mom,” he told her through his tears. “Everything feels wrong lately, I just feel like such a mess…”

“It’s alright, honey. Tell me what’s wrong, I’ll help you.”

“There’s someone I care too much about,” Kyungsoo explained, rubbing at his eyes and trying to control his breathing. “And I think it’s going too far.”

“What do you mean, sweetie?” his mother asked softly. “Did you meet someone, fall in love?”

“No, no,” Kyungsoo denied. “I haven’t fallen in love, but I’m scared that I – I don’t know…”

“You’re scared that you will fall in love?”

His stomach clenched a bit. He knew he could trust his mother, but it was still a scary thing to talk about to either of his parents. It could get back to his father somehow.

“I don’t know, mom,” he repeated. “I think I’ve just grown too attached. I care about him, and worry, and I – I might think of him as a… I don’t know… Whenever he leaves I tell myself it’s good, but I just always feel so horrible, I don’t know what it means, mom. But I’m scared of what it might be.”

“They’re a he, you said,” she stated quietly. And he knew what she was thinking, because if falling in love was bad, falling in love with a boy was far, far worse. That was what Kyungsoo had learned growing up, and although his mother didn’t agree with it, she was far too silenced to ever say otherwise. Without Kyungsoo’s father to say anything, though, she was free to – cautiously – speak her own mind. “You might be worried about having feelings for him, but has he shown any towards you? Because if not, you might not have to worry, honey. He might not be interested.”

“He asked me on a date,” Kyungsoo told her. “And he…” He shouldn’t divulge anything further. He sleeps with me wasn’t something he should be telling his mother.

“Has he done things to you?”

“He just… cuddles with me sometimes in his sleep.” Kyungsoo chewed on his lip, fearing the reaction he’d receive.

But his mom remained calm. “Are you sleeping with him? If the two of you are having , he very well could interpret it as interest on your behalf.”

“No, no, no, no, no. No, we’re not, no.” He was growing embarrassed now. “He’s staying at my apartment as a roommate sort of, because we work together and we’re kind of friends, I guess. A couple times he’s slept in my bed because he was sick and I didn’t want him to be on the couch and uncomfortable. We aren’t in any kind of relationship, mom. I’m scared enough as it is.”

“What are you worried about, Kyungsoo?” she asked gently. “There’s nothing wrong with liking someone.” She always did that – assured Kyungsoo that the things he learned from his father weren’t true. That love was okay, that he wasn’t the biggest shame in their family, that his parents cared about him as a son, not just a successor…

“Mom…”

“Is it because of her?”

He bit his lip again. It was only a matter of time before she was brought up. “She’s part of it…”

“That was a long time ago, honey,” his mom said. “You’re allowed to move on. She wasn’t right for you, but maybe this boy is. You can’t cut yourself off from everyone else just because it didn’t work with one person. You should try again, sweetie.”

“You don’t understand,” Kyungsoo told her. “I mean, he’s a guy for one thing…”

“That doesn’t matter if you like him,” she noted.

“Yeah, what would father say about it?” he returned.

“It’s not about your father.”

“Well, he’s also a Category. A druggie who’s addicted to heroin and smokes . He doesn’t even have his own place. Even if he doesn’t get caught in the next month, he’s still on the wrong side of the law, on the other side of the tracks. He isn’t someone I should even be around.”

“Have you asked him if he would quit?” she wondered next. It was like she already knew the answer.

“He says he’s trying,” Kyungsoo admitted. “He’s cut back a lot since he first started staying here. I told him over a month ago he couldn’t do his drugs in my apartment, but he hasn’t quit yet.”

“If it’s heroin he’s addicted to, it might be a while,” his mom pointed out. “But if he’s trying, he obviously cares about what you say. Does he treat you well?”

“Sometimes, I guess…”

“Is that why you’re afraid, then?” she asked. “Because he isn’t always nice? Are you afraid he’s like-”

“No, it’s not that,” Kyungsoo cut her off. “I just – I can’t do it again. I can’t be in a relationship again. I don’t want to be miserable. And don’t tell me that being with him won’t make me miserable. Relationships aren’t happy, and if they are, they aren’t real. If you’re happy it means you’re being used and don’t know it, or you’re using the other person to get something. I don’t want to go back to that.”

He thought he heard his mom sniffle on the other end, but when she spoke again her voice was strong. “It’s not always like that, honey,” she told him. Like she could say that; there was no happiness in her marriage. “And I know you don’t believe me, but why don’t you do something for me? Do something for him. Do something that you think will make him happy. And don’t ask for anything in return; just do it to make him happy, and see what happens, okay?”

It sounded ridiculous. But at the same point, it made Kyungsoo think of Dareun. His sheep that Jongin had got for him. Even though that was supposed to have been a thank-you gift, it had also made Kyungsoo happy. He told his mom he would try to think of something to do just to be nice, something just for Jongin to make him happy, expecting nothing in return. He wasn’t sure yet what it would be, but he would try.

“And Kyungsoo?” his mom added before they hung up. “If you feel happy with him, let yourself be. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing. You don’t have to be unhappy. If you feel good being with him, then it’s not bad, I promise. And if one day things aren’t so great anymore, then you can change your mind and stop being with him. Just worry about how you feel right now. It’s okay to like him right now, even if you might not tomorrow. Do you understand?”

“Yes, mom,” Kyungsoo sighed, wishing he could just not worry about things, now or ever. He didn’t really agree with her at all – he couldn’t be happy today and then just change his mind tomorrow; it was unfair to Jongin, and Jongin might not appreciate it. He might get angry, he might not let Kyungsoo back out so easily.

But the least he could do was try, he guessed. “I understand.”

“

Doing something for Jongin was hard. Really, Kyungsoo already did things for Jongin (although the five-hundred thousand won he’d received was a good reminder of how that hadn’t been free, asking nothing in return as his mom had told him). But other than going out and buying some heroin for him or something, what could Kyungsoo really do?

There was the obvious, of course. Accept his offer to go on a date, if Jongin still wanted it. But the things that were obvious often proved to be the most difficult, and this was no exception to that rule. Kyungsoo’s willpower wasn’t flexing that far to make the other happy. He wasn’t trying to kindle some romantic relationship between them. Maybe his mom thought otherwise, but Kyungsoo really wouldn’t be happy in the romance world again, and he knew that far more than his mom could understand (okay, maybe not far more; she had done her fair share of suffering and still had many years ahead of her with Kyungsoo’s father). The way he felt, the anxiety and near hatred towards love and loving anyone, was enough insurance that he would only suffer again if he retried it. Not considering himself to be much of a masochist (at least, that’s what he tried to convince himself), going on a date with Kim Jongin was quickly pushed out of his options.

His next choice was… what? Tell Jongin he didn’t have to pay Kyungsoo rent? That wouldn’t even bother him, because Kyungsoo didn’t even pay his own rent; that money came from his parents’ funding. Somehow, it didn’t feel significant because of that, and besides, Kyungsoo didn’t really want it to be a money thing. Sure, money could buy things that made you happy, but on its own money seemed too cold and impersonal. Another option down.

To suggest that Kyungsoo wasn’t, or rather, couldn’t be quite romantic or sweet when he wanted to be would be very deceptive. And, despite his very deceiving charade of heartlessness, it wasn’t hard for him to reach back in his memories and recall the times he had been very romantic indeed, doing all kinds of things in his previous relationship in an attempt to touch the heart of his girlfriend. However, it had turned out that she didn’t actually have a heart, so his attempts always resulted in failure. That didn’t mean he hadn’t tried to do things, though.

He had tried making perfect meals of her favourite dishes for her (which she had called a very transparent attempt to butter her up, and she “wasn’t falling for it”); kissing her sweetly when he saw her, even in public (to which, if they were in public, she would slap him, and if they were alone it was far worse); buying her things like chocolate (“Are you trying to make me fat?”), teddy bears (“What are we, five?”), and roses (“I hate flowers.”); going to very extravagant restaurants on anniversaries (very typical; could he not think of anything original, or was she just not worth that much to him?), taking her to karaoke houses (he sang too much and ruined it for her), taking her sailing (she read a book and acted like he wasn’t there), and doing whatever he could to make her happy when they slept together (though apparently he had zero skills whatsoever in that department because every time he did everything wrong)… She was really hard to please, but Kyungsoo could always come up with things to try. He’d written her poems and letters and songs, drawn and painted for her, given her an expensive and engraved promise ring, the whole works. His ideas were endless. So where were they now?

(Likely buried with all the rest of the mess of that relationship.)

He couldn’t do most of those things for Jongin anyway. And besides, he’d often done little things for his girlfriend; now he wanted to do something big. Not overwhelming, but something that was enough to show Jongin that he genuinely wanted him to be happy. But that was difficult. Coming up with an idea was difficult. He didn’t know Jongin well enough…

Kyungsoo lay back on his bed, wet hair tickling his neck as it pressed between his skin and pillow. He grabbed Dareun out of habit and rested the toy on his chest, hoping that maybe Jongin’s present would give him inspiration somehow. It just stared at him with its little black beads, and somehow Kyungsoo felt like it knew something he didn’t; like it had the answer to his problem, but of course it couldn’t say it. Of course, a stuffed toy didn’t know anything, and those knowing eyes were just pieces of plastic with no brain behind them. But he still felt like he was missing something.

That night he tried not to think about how Jongin had left again, how he always left and always would leave. It was just like he’d said. I don’t belong here. Kyungsoo made him feel that way; like he didn’t belong, didn’t deserve to be here. It was Kyungsoo’s fault. Those thoughts, unsuccessfully avoided, weighed him down so much that he couldn’t even move, couldn’t get up to put on clothes to sleep in. Only when he grew to be too cold did he kick his blanket up over himself, but otherwise he remained unmoving until he fell into sleep.

“

Jongin wasn’t quite sure why his inability to resist going back to Kyungsoo was so strong. If he didn’t shoot up, his regret would eat away at him until he would long to run back to Kyungsoo’s apartment, or finally give in and take something in hopes of making him forget. If he did shoot up, he lost control of his will and would find himself standing outside the building before he even realized it. There was no winning. Even after tonight, having walked out on Kyungsoo when Kyungsoo had asked him to stay – even then, having fought his will so hard and come out on top, forcing himself to go and not change his mind, he barely made it to the elevator before he felt like collapsing from guilt. He didn’t stop, though. It was too late for that.

He shot up between two cars in the underground garage of Kyungsoo’s building, out of sight from whatever cameras were around. Then he was off and lost in the world, and eventually came down to reality to find he was who-knows-where wandering some streets. His phone told him it was nearly ten now, which meant it had been over four hours since he’d left Kyungsoo’s place. He imagined Kyungsoo would be going to bed sooner or later, and Jongin needed to find somewhere to stay too. Recently, he’d kind of been avoiding Jongdae’s, because he didn’t want to lead anyone there and also, Kyungsoo knew about it which meant Kyungsoo could find him easily. This whole avoiding-everyone-in-the-world thing wasn’t going to last much longer; Jongin needed human contact.

Within a few moments, he had taken another hit and was off again. Jongin was trying to take only one shot a day, but it seemed like every time he came in contact with Kyungsoo, he needed four or five doses in a row to even try to recover. It didn’t help that his tolerance was already high; he was only making it worse for himself.

The second time he returned to reality, he actually woke up, having fallen asleep sometime. To his surprise, he was in bed, body tight to someone else, lips pressed against soft skin. He could feel the bare warmth of their body on his arms, wrapped around a small torso. Eyes adjusting quickly, he recognized his surroundings as Kyungsoo’s room, which meant the body he was clinging to had to be the owner of said room.

His heart faltered, and he pulled back. He didn’t remember coming here, nor could he recall why Kyungsoo was unclothed, but he was afraid he might have done something to have caused it. Judging by the way he’d had his mouth against Kyungsoo’s neck, that seemed very possible. But Kyungsoo wouldn’t have allowed that, would he? Unless Jongin had –

Jongin pulled out his phone and switched on the screen, shining the light on Kyungsoo’s neck, then arms, searching for holes. None were found. Perhaps Jongin hadn’t drugged him then. He still couldn’t understand the situation he was in, though.

He had the feeling that Kyungsoo didn’t know he was there, maybe that he hadn’t been there long and hadn’t stirred Kyungsoo from his sleep. Regardless, Jongin reluctantly pulled himself away and slipped out of the covers. It was hard to leave such a rare and wonderful opportunity – being with Kyungsoo like that felt so intimate, he just wanted to stay close to the boy forever, trailing his fingers along his skin, kissing all of him slowly, maybe more. Definitely more… He nearly tripped on his bag, located right beside the bed. Picking it up, he headed out and grabbed his shoes, leaving once more.

Kyungsoo needed to start locking his door.

Jongin needed to stop going back.