Key has been sitting in Itaewon's number one coffee shop for several hours. He fiddles with the brim of his red leathered notebook that he brings with him everywhere. The binding is worn out slightly , it would be since the constant openings and closings that he does, the pages tattered from stains of coffee that he drinks every afternoon. Brownish with a tiny speckle of green and white. His favorite coffee carries these trademark colors ,but he hasn't really done anything about the stains on the paper. 

He figures it is no use to. It's just paper. Paper that could be easily replaced. The notebook is about half the length of a usual twelve inch school notepads and possibly half the width making it a small one. He doesn't care though because the purpose is simple. Capturing thoughts, feelings, aspirations, whatever his mind catches onto.

Lately it has been drifting in and out. 

In.

Out.

In.

He can't help it though. Well, his friends say that he "can't help" a lot of things in his life. Key scribbles a small doodle in his notebook ,it wasn't "his fault" that  some things "didn't work out". Or was it really not his fault? Maybe it was ? He'd like to think that many short comings in his life were just a bitter end to a situation and usually left it at that.

It's just at this very moment he doubts everything that he has done. This exact spot for the past six months is where he watches. Watches what? The very man that is working at "Itaewon's very finest coffee plaza".  He doesn't just come for Jonghyun though, he used to go to it everyday for the last two years because of his favorite blend. 'Green chai Tea'. It's sweet with bitter buds of the green leaves poking out of the creamy light brown tan mixture. 

The coffee was excellent so was the service. Of course it would be. He doesn't ask for a whole bunch ,so there is no room for a huge tip to give. Though what is that he "can't help"? 

He hears Jonghyun talking to a customer "Janha? Arrasso, kamsahmida!" he sees the man bow to the older woman kindly as he thanks her for "stopping by!" The corners of his mouth rise. 

He can't help but love him.

Key leans his head onto his hand as he watches his favorite barista handing drinks, smiling, being engadged. "He works hard." he finds himself say quietly. To key, Jonghyun is the oppisiste to what he is . A robot. A pessimistic smile that people find "charming" but swear underneath his exterior lays a "happy fun person" . Kibum scoffs . What the are they thinking? 

I guess they see what he doesn't see. Maybe that's why Jonghyun 'loves him'. As Jonghyun says "You maybe a robot ,but I make your insides feel alive,right?" followed by a dorky grin on his face that Key adores so much. To him Key is everything . His life. His heart. His one true companion to spend the rest of his life with. 

"I love you" 

That's what Jonghyun said to him and out of kindness Key replied "I don't want to carelessly throw that word around . It means alot to me. don't with me. "

Jonghyun just smiled "I can't lie about what I feel,but I understand if it's too soon. I'll wait paitiently." then gave kibum a chaste kiss onto the lips. 

This is where Key starts his inner battle and goes hay wire just like a computer. He doesn't understand how someone can become so close so fast and not fall out of the whole thing in one go. Maybe he is wired differently from the rest of the population. Maybe Jonghyun is so oppisiste of him that he feels like an outcast inside of the relationship. 

Key knows there is more to life than to relationships. God knows he has ed up. He knows he is doing his best to get his together,but truthfully , does anyone really have their " together"?

Key doesn't believe so,but it still doesn't give him comfort. 

Just as his mind begins to grow dark Jonghyun hugs him and promptly sits beside Key "Hey love." he grins from ear to ear giving the other a kiss on the lips. "where you waiting for me?"

Key nods slightly "For awhile now.,yeah." he flips open his notebook making a small note . Jonghyun nods in return silent he glances at what his boyfriend is writing "What'cha got there,babe?" he fingers  a tattered page.

Key raises his eyes to jonghyuns "Oh nothing,just writing some thoughts down."

"Was it about me?" Jonghyun wriggles his eyebrows.

Key laughs "No, silly. Or maybe it was? a secret." he puts a finger to his cupids bow. Jonghyun smirks "Was it about last night?" .Kibum freezes ,his ears burn a bright red and he brings his hand to his face waving the other at Jonghyun" Jagiya!"

"What? I was just merely asking. " Jonghyun pulled another smile except this time more of a fox like one than his usual ones. Key remembers the night before all too well. Infact so well that the very reason he doubts his own confession of love towards Jonghyun .It isn't that he doesn't love him,no he adores the man,but the fact that he had so soon was what made him nervous.

Then it was saying that he loved him so soon....Kibum was a mess at first. He cried that night believeing that he had made a mistake and he just knew he would be the one used. Thrown away.

Like trash.

Wasted like last nights supper. straight into the bin. During the session he asked repeatively "You aren't using me?" ,"do you really want me?" to which Jonghyun replied "I won't make you do anything that makes you uncomfortable and no, I am not using you."

who the asks random questions during ? Apparently he does. Though as the relationship grew a few days ,weeks, old he became more apprehensive. That he knew he was the next plate on the menu and not a damned thing could change it.

It went on like this he liked Jonghyun a lot. He got to know all of his past , his hardships, but he hadn't said a damn thing about himself. He hated himself for it. He wanted to let this person in,but the last time he did that, he was the loser. 

The fool.

The class ing clown. Except no body was laughing with him. He had felt that he was becoming too physically intamite with Jonghyun and giving away of what was left of his barricade of the heart he wanted to protect.

To shield it for things like this. It was too late/. The more involved he became the more he wanted Jonghyun. The more he wanted to say those words. 

When he did say it , he said it out of the thought Jonghyun was genuine about it,but he still had his doubts. 

Key knew asking too many things might push someone away,but how the hell does Jonghyun know what is going on in his head if he doesn't say anything to him? 

Key stared at Jonghyun while he goes on about maple leaves , urgh, something random. He was too deep in his thoughts .

Snap snap.

"eh?"

Snap snap "Jagiya! Hellloooo? You okay?" Jonghyun snapped his fingers to grab his boyfriend's attention. Key feinged a smile "Yeah, I'm just tired."

"don't lie. What's wrong,love?"

Key wanted to tell him that he was worried. Worried about being taken for granted. about being an old fashion trend , 'last season.' He wanted to let Jonghyun know that he adored him so much that he was afraid of losing him,but Jonghyun was a funny person. He had a thing in which if he says something about a certain subject, it is the law of the land. Jonghyun isn't a person to lie. 

Key knows that Jonghyun values him, he knows that he wouldn't go anywhere. Nothing , as far as Jonghyun has said, would "break his love for key". Key can't say he doubts that because he believes Jonghyun so much.

But that is also the problem.

He trusts him too much. It's funny though.

"Jaigya?" he hears him say again "what is bothering you? Your robotic face cracked." he tries to lighten Key's mood.

Key smiles small " Jonghyun?"

"Yeah?"

"How do you know that you love me? " before Jonghyun can respond Key interjects " I am being serious. You have fallen for me so fast,and not that I don't love you,but do you know how deep is your love for me? "

Jonghyun quietly listens as key takes a breath "What do you love? I understand that you are attached to me and I am to you,but do you love me out of condition or unconditional?"

Jonghyun tilts his head "Why are you asking? do you not believe me when I say that I love you?"

Key bites his bottom lip " It's not that I don't believe you it's cause I am afraid."

"Of what?" 

"I'm afraid of being that person who has to end things when the other cannot. Please trust me when I say that I genuinely care and love you,but ..."

Jonghyun pulls him into an embrace "But what? You're afraid . It's normal, don't you think I haven't thought if this? Life is a risk and you have to make decsisions that make you get into situations in which you might get hurt,but you can't be afraid."

Key nods his head as tears threaten to fall "I know, Jonghyun,but I'm scared that you'll lose interest and find someone who could satisfy you. You think I like being toyed with?"

Jonghyun hugs him closer "Look, I'm yours. Yes, I've been tempted but I have told these people as much as I'd like to, I wouldn't want to hurt someone or who I care for so much."

Keys face fills with tears "You'd like to?"

Jonghyun inwardly cringes "That's not what I meant to say and you know it." he takes key's face by the chin "Look, I am not going anywhere. I love you, so if you believe it or not, nothing will change. "

Key smiles small but can't help but feel even more afraid " I ...I just can't risk being used. am I worth anything to you? what am I to you?"

Jonghyun strengthens his hold "Everything. You're everything to me"

Key sniffs "what does that mean?"

-----------------------------------------------------end-----------------------------------

Authors note:

Sorry I had to end it there,but you guys must figure that out yourselves. In life we fear many things,but rejection is the highest thing that we fear. I think it is because we fear of not being wanted and base relationships on insecurities and jump into them so quick,but it takes time for both parties to feel like the other won't go away.

If one is hurt...the other must be paitient with what baggage they carry.

-merle