I open my eyes, looking around the room.

“It’s my own room.”I said to myself.

It has been like this for two months. Every day I wake up with my soaked clothes, the rapid heartbeats and the fear, the fear that I can never get rid of it. Every day I wake up without knowing it is only nowhere else other than my room. A half year ago, I was diagnosed that I have had anxiety after breaking up with my girlfriend. I loved her so much. No. I still love her. She broke up with me and told me that things between us just do not work. She is the only one I could see with colours on except my family. I am colour-blind, things I see are all black and white only. However, there is something strange when I found that I could see my family members with colours. And her…She is also an exception, she brings me colours.

However, my doctor thought I was joking and I gave in. She lights up my world with colours but she also threw me back to the black and white world which I hate. My heart is beating fast again. I hate this feeling that I have to suffer every single day. Sometimes I feel panic suddenly and my heart races madly for no reason; my head feels like it is gonna explode and a heat flow comes up from the bottom. I stay in my bed for like 20 minutes. The best moment of a day is to sleeps so that I could forget about her for a few hours but the worst moment of a day is when I wake up from my dreams. Finally, I get my off my bed where I do not want to leave since I got anxiety. Dragging myself to the toilet, I stop before entering it.

“Hey” A familiar voice comes from behind.

I know who it is, the only possibility is only my housemate, Jiyoon. Ignoring her, I walk straight to the bathroom as I know what she is going to say, those bull again --- “Are you okay?” “Let’s hang out together. You need to meet some new people.” “Stop staying at home” “You deserve better” and blah blah blah. I do not give a damn about myself anymore. When the moment she broke up with me, my life is over, my life is just nothing else but a ty black and white world.

Looking into the mirror, I see something… a zombie. I find the panda eyes, eye bags, messy hair all on myself. Letting out a sarcastic laugh at myself, I finish refreshing myself or at least pulling myself out of this zombie appearance first. Then, I head to the kitchen, knowing Jiyoon is still having her eyes on me. We both know that she cares about me a lot since the break-up, especially when my ex-girlfriend is her best friend. We used to hang out a lot, yes, used to… I shake off those thoughts, trying to focus on cooking breakfast.

“Hyuna ah…” My housemate starts slowly but still I remain silence, still having my back to her. I cannot help but rolled my eyes when I heard her calling my name since things could be expected.

“You need to go out and meet some new people. You can’t just stay at home all day long and repeat it every single day. I know you’re hurt but you ain’t gonna forget about her if you keep yourself in the old days.” Once again, I let out a sarcastic laugh loud.

“Very encouraging, Jiyoon. Good try, but you know my answer.” I replied. Sometimes, I do appreciate what this girl did for me, but sometimes it is all annoying to me as well. Finishing cooking, I find myself sitting down, having breakfast.

“She is seeing someone…” Jiyoon stated.

Her statement stops me. Her statement simply tears me into pieces. As usual, I pretend that I am strong enough which I am obviously not. I continue eating noodles.

“You should move on, Hyun. It’s time to move on even you don’t want to.” She added.

Right now, I feel like that I wanna throw up again, I feel like my throat is squeezed by someone. Since I got anxiety, I have been suffering from eating problems, not to the extreme --- eating disorder, but whenever I want to start my meals, my throat closes up right away. I lost 20 pounds because of it. It is all about my emotions and I know it but I just cannot control it. Putting down the chopsticks, I go to the toilet and vomit, followed by Jiyoon. She pats my back. I simply throw up everything I just ate.

“Ahhh!” I scream loud, my hands are shaking. Eventually I break down, crying out loud, holding my knees. Tears keep pouring, and my breaths are getting heavier. My heart aches again, it has been ages to have such painful feeling. For a second, I thought my heart had died out. My housemate does not say a word but just holds me tight in her arms. After the break-up, I feel being loved again for the first time.

 

A rough day passed, I took Jiyoon’s advice, going to do some volunteer work with her. I dress up nicely, well, at least not in a zombie look anymore. Jiyoon suggests doing some volunteer works together to broaden my sight and my social network. I put some light make up on, wear a white t-shirt with black skinny jeans and converse. My clothes are chosen by my caring housemate. I never buy clothes without her since she could tell me what colour it is. But again, I only buy black and white clothing, just like my world --- without any other colours. “Our Hyuna is back.” It has been a while to find smiles on her face. I am sorry, Jiyoon, sorry for making you suffer with me. I keep these words in my heart, only showing her my rare warming smiles.

“Let’s go, my princess.” She intertwines her arm with mine. Arriving at a kindergarten, we both are guided by a teacher, walking to a classroom. The teacher knocks the door, opens it and lets us in. The class is noisy, full of children aged 3. I can already hear the kids gossiping about us.

“Who are they? Miss Kwon!”

“Strangers!”

“Wah, we have beautiful sisters here.” Jiyoon giggles at the comments.

The teacher who guided us to the room bows to us and left the room. We bow to the girl who the kids called Miss Kwon, with long hair and plain long sleeves top and dark trousers with dark flats. She is coming towards us, smiling at us and reaching her hand out. Shaking hands with her, knowing that she is a young teacher, we find that she just got into this school.

“She is cute right?” Jiyoon whispers with enthusiasm and how she reacts just makes me roll eyes again. I look at the class, finding hard to get along with them. Without a moment, I spot that a bunch of kids laughing loud with Jiyoon. To see that, I cannot help but let out a sigh at myself. I guess I already lost the ability to get close to people huh? I cannot even start a conversation with kids. Looking around the room, I also spot a boy sitting alone at the corner, playing with the hem of his shirt. Somehow the boy draws my attention, making me walk towards him slowly.

“Hey” I pull a chair and sit next to him. He ignores me. It’s ok…I ignore people when I have a bad mood. And he is obviously having one but I guess he also has some emotion problems like I do.

“I’m Hyuna. What’s your name?” Reaching out my hand, I am ignored again. Then I shake hands with myself, making him steal a glance from me.

“Alright. Forget about it. Hyuna noona is here with you. I’m a volunteer here, helping your teacher Miss Kwon to take care of the class.” I smile at him even he does not take a look at me, instead he just looks down at the floor.

“You know what? Hyuna noona had no friends in the kindergarten; no one wants to play with me because they know that I am a colour-blind, they think I’m a freak. But my parents told me that other people misunderstanding that does not mean that I am really a freak.” I introduce background to him while observing other children. Noticing some kids pulling Jiyoon’s hair and she yelping at the pain, getting help from Miss Kwon, I cannot help but chuckle without realizing the boy is staring at me.

“Really?” He asks. I turn my face to him, slightly tilt my head. 

“You’re colour-blind?” He asks timidly. I smile at him and nod. He mumbles something and I cannot hear him. We are back to the silence time.

“Let me tell you a secret, promise me that you won’t tell anyone else.” He does not give me an answer but I trust him.

“Hyuna noona sometimes can see colours when I see someone I love. It’s amazing right?!” I said with grins and he nods.

“I like pink!” He tells me suddenly, confusing me. I did not give him response this time, waiting for him to continue.

“I like pink but the classmates said boys shouldn’t like pink. Pink is girlish.” He pouts. I mess with his hair, smiling at him.

“Pink is my favourite colour! It’s nothing to feel ashamed to like pink. There is no boundary for people to like colours. If someone did that to themselves, that means they are limiting themselves.” My words sound difficult to understand, but the boy still nods at me. He smiles for the first time, a shy smile.

“How about joining the others?” I offer my hand to him but he shakes his head, refusing to join other kids.

“Nothing to be afraid of. Remember I’m a “freak” to the others as well?” Sometimes when you make fun of yourselves, the others would not badmouth about you at your back.

He slowly takes my hand and walks behind me. I see how surprise the young teacher is but I do not care. We find our seats behind the group of kids and Jiyoon.

“Mind us joining?” I ask with a warm smile.

“That beautiful miss can join us but that boy can’t!” A boy points at me then turns to the boy I’m holding hands with.

“He is a girl! He loves pink! We don’t play with him!” Another kid shouts, making my boy try to escape and go back to his comfort zone --- that corner.

“Who said boys cannot like pink? Who said pink is a colour only girls like?” I ask and make the kids stutter. Jiyoon is surprised at my reaction.

“You all cannot judge people like this. What’s wrong with the colour? There is no boundary to define who to like this colour who to like that colour.” With the words I told them, the kids are simply stunned.

“Hyuna ah” Jiyoon calls my name quietly, tugging my shirt.

“Hyuna unnie is right. You guys should not judge people at all. Everyone got their own preferences, you cannot make the others to have the exact same preferences.” Miss Kwon added to support me, walking towards us.

We both share a smile. Wait…I think I saw colours on her. With one more blink, the colours are gone. I guess I must be too tired recently. My face must have went dark as Jiyoon comes and check me out.

“Are you ok? You suddenly look…horrible.” I look at her, with colours on. Then I shift my sight to Miss Kwon. No colours on.

“I…I think I’m just tired. Shouldn’t sleep late last night. I’m fine here.” I squeeze a smile on my face.

After school, Miss Kwon approaches us. Right now, my head is all about the previous “magical scene”. How come…I see her with colours but then the colours are gone.

“Hyuna unnie?” She is calling me. “Hyuna!” Jiyoone gives me a push, bringing me back to the reality.

“Yes? We can go home now?” I stand up immediately, noticing the awkward face of Jiyoon and the smiles on Miss Kwon’s face. “We’re asking if you felt good to do volunteer work!” Jiyoon asks with her squeezed teeth, widening her eyes.

“Oh…” I then sit back.

“It’s good!”

My answer again disappoints or even embarrasses Jiyoon. And again, I find Miss Kwon that she keeps smiling and chuckling at my words. Stealing glances from Jiyoon, I start to reply with a better answer.

“Well…I think I kinda like the kids especially that boy who didn’t really play with the others at first.” I fake a smile to the teacher, hiding my awkwardness. Looking at this young lady, she brings me to the thoughts that I had previously. I go deep in my own thoughts again.

“Hyuna…Kim Hyuna!” Jiyoon glares at me.

“We are going home!” She tugs me hard out of the room, making Miss Kwon chuckle again. I love the way she has smiles on her face.

“Goodbye, Hyuna unnie. See you tomorrow.”

“Oh bye!” I reply without looking at her.

“Wait…Did she call me Hyuna unnie?” I ask Jiyoon who is still tugging me hard.

“She’s been calling you this since the “battle” between you and the kids! Gosh seriously, what’s wrong with you! You’re fully distracted after the battle.” I ignore her words, thinking if I should tell her about what I saw today. Jiyoon knows my ability of see colours but I am not sure if I should tell her this time. It feels weird.

 

“I can only do volunteer work with you until today. I have to get back to work tomorrow.” Jiyoon said while driving.

“Hmm” I reply without looking at her.

“Yah! Kim Hyuna are you listening!” This woman is irritated easily.

“Yes yes yes!” I answer with an annoying voice. I get off the car once we arrived.

“Morning” Miss Kwon said with her eye-smile. I nod with smile.

“Morning” I whisper to her. Today is a day that the kids have group activities. Miss Kwon is teaching them to draw a picture. The kids are boycotting the boy again as he starts colouring his drawing with pink.

“Hey…Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong with pink?” I ask the kids.

“It’s a girl thing!” “Only girls like pink!” The kids shout. I smile at their comments.

“Why are you using accessories on your schoolbag? And why are you wearing socks with floral pattern? And you…why are you fixing your outfits and hair all the time? Everybody has their own characters, you can’t expect the others live the same life as you do. What if everyone acted exactly like you? Like copying you. How would you feel about that? It’s just a robot, right? Therefore, you cannot ask judge people or boycott other people who do not share the same interests as you do.” I talk non-stop.

Both Jiyoon and Miss Kwon are shocked at my words but the young teacher still manages to smile. However, my friend pulls me aside, asking me why I said those things to the kids.

“I’m just telling them not to judge people, they’ll learn it sooner or later.” I reply. “But it’s not your responsibilities to do so okay? It’s Miss Kwon’s class, we should respect her.” Jiyoon lets out a sigh.

“Is everything okay here?” Miss Kwon interrupts us, giving them us usual warming smile.

“We’re fine here.” Jiyoon replies with an awkward smile.

“Yea, as you like.” I walk out the room right away.

However, what makes things become magical is that the kids seem to understand Hyuna’s words and start a conversation with the boy. Once again, Hyuna surprised the young teacher. She wears the brightest smile on her face while walking towards the kids, patting their shoulders. Jiyoon is surprised at the aspect of Hyuna’s words as well. I come back from the toilet, after refreshing myself. Seeing the kids starting sharing toys with the boy, I cannot help but let my mouth part as it does surprise me a bit. I do not expect the students would react directly to my words so fast. I see Miss Kwon smiling at me, so is Jiyoon. I am satisfied now. Maybe Jiyoon is right, I should do more volunteer before getting back to work. At least it does help me get better from staying away from anxiety.

Somehow I can feel someone staring at me and I look up. Knowing that Miss Kwon is smiling at me again, I find myself heating up. Are those…her pinkish lips? Is that…pink? Am I just seeing some colours again?! I rub my eyes, trying to figure out what is happening again. Without myself noticing, I walk towards her slowly. I want to know if it is really happening to me. Is that pink? Is that? I am getting closer and closer to her, making her confused. Maybe I look way too shocked.

“Any problems?” She asks. It’s gone… The closer I get to her, the fewer colours I can see. When I stand next to her, the colour is gone again. My heart sinks again. I lean back to the wall, letting out a soft sigh.

Another day passed. Three days left. In these days, I cannot help but keep having the same questions in my head: “Why do I see colours on her? Why do I feel connected with her?”

Today I will be doing volunteer work on my own. I just hope time will pass fast since I am really not comfortable without Jiyoon. My heart races as I start to think of some bad things happening to me. My anxiety is back with me. Breathing in and breathing out, I need to calm myself down before entering the school. I keep wandering around at the entry.

“Hyuna unnie? Why are you wandering here?” Miss Kwon’s voice comes from nowhere until I find her standing at the front door, greeting me with her eye-smile. My heart skips a beat when my eyes meet hers. Her clothes are white shirt with a light pink dress. Did I just…say the colours of her…clothes? Yes. Yes! I…see her in colours again, once again! My shocking face turns into a big grin.

“You’re late today.” She teases at me, making me chuckle. It has been a while for me to feel delighted, to feel the burden on my heart is getting off, to feel alive… Entering the building, I bow to her.

“Yes, Miss Kwon. Please forgive me, Miss Kwon!” Bowing to her again, I made her laugh, for the first time. Things go well today and she stops me before leaving the classroom.

“Hyuna unnie, how about having a drink with me?”

“A drink? You mean…soju?” I ask innocently. She laughs at me again.

“Oh no…just a cup of coffee I mean.” She makes me feel stupid.

“Oh…right…Um…I guess okay?” I reply awkwardly. We go to a café near the school, spending some spare time together, just chilling out. We chat about everything, sharing our happiness together. The colours on her are getting stronger and brighter, especially when she smiles to me. It feels amazing to see colours again after…her. Even though the other things are all black and white, it feels extremely good when you can find something in colours. I guess my eyes are also defining what is important to me and what is not.

“My name is Kwon Sohyun.” I was too into the colours on her and did not notice what she said.

“Huh?”

“You still haven’t known my name right?” She giggles at me.

“Oh right, Sohyun…” Her name sounds good to me. I smile to myself.

“So what’s your job? How come you get to do volunteer at our school? I mean shouldn’t you be working?” She asks me after taking a sip of her drink. This question is a bit awkward and difficult to answer.

“I’m having a long holiday and Jiyoon asks to do some volunteer work instead of staying at home. So here I am. Later, I’ll get back to my photographer job.” I wear a fake smile while talking at myself.

“Hyuna unnie” She calls my name and I look up. She took a photo of me with her phone.

“What’s that for?” I ask.

“Give me your number.” She giggles at herself without taking a glance at me. I enter my number into her phone and she grins like a child, making me smile with her.

“It’s done! I got your number then we could contact with each other even you leave right? Hyuna unnie.” I nod at her.

“So…I hope you don’t mind me asking this question but…is Jiyoon your…girlfriend?” She suddenly asks me timidly. Why is she asking me this suddenly. And she looks timid to ask such question. “Nope. She’s my housemate.” I reply in a cool way. She bursts into laughs suddenly again.

“Oh! I thought you two…” She tries to laugh off her awkwardness and I know it. I finish up my drink, letting out a sarcastic smile.

Getting back to my home, I am surprised that Sohyun texted me. Since the first message, my heart vibrates along with the moment the phone does. Since that day, we get a lot closer to each other. Even the students also notice the changes between us, getting closer, helping each other, supporting each other.

This kind of feelings is something I have not experienced in a while. The old feelings are back. I know I should not fall for her but my heart is telling me now or never. She brings me to the heaven, she brings me colours, she brings me back from the black and white world. I miss this kind of feelings, feeling amazing, feeling delighted and feeling…loved. She is making skinship with me from time to time, making my heart jumps. We laugh together, chill out together, spend a lot of time together recently. Actually it surprises me that I can get close to someone that fast and fall for someone that fast. Something inside of me tells me that this girl is unique, different from others, that is also the reason why I can see colours on her.

 

It comes to the last day at the school. Jiyoon promised me that she would pick me up after school but I ask her to come pick me 30 minutes later since I have something to do, something important. It is now or never.

“Hyuna unnie, I’ll miss you.” She hugs me tight as if I could feel her heart bouncing against mine.

“I’ll miss you too, Sohyunie. Do you have some time for me now?” I ask her sincerely. She nods then packs her stuffs quick, heading to the café with me.

I order two cups of coffee. Rubbing my hands under the table, I can feel all the anxiety symptoms are getting worse, sweating, my heart bouncing hard, a squeezed throat, feeling dizzy and a to-be-exploding head.

“Sohyunie ah… We spent some quite good times together recently. And I hope you do feel happy and comfortable around me since I am feeling this way towards you. You bring me happiness. And I appreciate it a lot. I really do! You are the one of them who can make me see colours since I’m a colour-blind. Somehow when I see you, I could see colours on you while the others are all black and white. And I can only see the people I love in colours. I know it is way too fast but…I think I have fallen for you, Kwon Sohyun. I feel connected with you. I love you. Do…you feel the same?” I take a deep breath after spilling my heart out.

“Haha…Unnie…What are you talking about? We’re best friends, of course I love you.” She is trying to switch the focus.

I’m done. She is not what I expected. I let out a sarcastic laugh.

“Here are your drinks.” The waitress puts down our drinks and leaves. What a perfect timing.

“Unnie…” She freezes and stops her awkward laughs when she sees me faking smiles. I look up at her, trying to smile.

“Yea…friendship…I…understand.” I can feel tears are coming out. Another deep breath. I try to look away but she calls me again.

“Unnie…I’m sorry.” Suddenly, my ex-girlfriend, Gayoon’s voice comes inside my head, saying the exact same words. I’m sorry. Looking at the girl sitting in front of me, I just find I got rejected. I thought we were connected. I thought we were so happy around each other. I thought…These are just my thoughts, my imagination and my own fantasy. My hands are still rubbing each other. My sight is blurring, my head is spinning.

“Unnie…I’m just sorry. I…I can’t accept homoual. It’s okay if we make friends. I do love you…but…not in the way you feel for me.” My face squeezes a smile out, forcing myself to smile even my tears are falling down. My heart is tearing apart and it is racing fast, extremely fast. My hands start to shake. I cannot stand this anymore. I could feel my head is gonna explode.

“I…understand…” My voice sounds broken. Standing up, I look at her and smile at her, swiping tears off. 

“It’s okay. So…I better leave now. Tons of stones are dropping inside my heart that I can’t breathe. My breath is getting heavier.

“Goodbye and yea…Bye…” I wanna throw up now. My lips are shaking as well. It feels horrible inside of me as my heart is exploding, so is my head. Tears fall down again. Walking fast, trying to run away from the place where I embarrassed myself. My hands clench onto the hem of my shirt hard. All I want to do is tear myself off.

“Hyuna!” I take a quick look at where the sound comes from. It is Jiyoon, my best friend. However, I do not want her to see me like this again. I am sick of all these stuffs. I hate this all. Being cared, being the weak one, being taken care of, these are not what I want.

“Hyuna!” Jiyoon shouts in her car, following me.

“Get away from me!” I shout back, dragging attention from strangers on the street. I hate this. I start to run, shedding tears. In a while, someone grabs my arm. It is Jiyoon again. Avoiding her eyes, I struggle from her grips.

“Let me go.” I said while looking down.

“What happened?” She said.

“Nothing…Just my anxiety is coming back and…this’s it!” I fling her hand away, trying to walk away again. She grabs my arm tight, drags me to where her car parks and pushes me into her car.

 

Arriving home, I feel like a zombie again. I am finally home. My feet leads me to my own room but I get stopped by Jiyoon again.

“Did you…see Gayoon?” She asks.

“Maybe…” I answer without my soul.

“Or…it’s about Sohyun?” I look up at her hopelessly.

Letting out a sarcastic laugh, I find myself shedding tears again. I escape from her grips, throwing myself to my bed, covering myself with my favourite blanket. I scream loud in my bed. I know that Jiyoon is standing at the door, watching me suffering. I know she is suffering because of me.Today is just another start of my zombie life. Today is just another day to break down. Once I thought you brought me to heaven, but you threw me back to hell. What makes it sound more ironic is that, the moment I confessed, I did not notice the colours on her are gone…Another sarcastic laugh from me, I force myself not to think. However it never works. My emotions are fragile. I am fragile. 

I know it is all dream.

It must be a dream…

 

 

 

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Seriously think I should only write oneshot, instead of this kind of oneshot.

I ruined it TT