He’s gorgeous, I could agree with that. He’s strikingly gorgeous that it almost made him look unreal. And in one way or another he was rather unreal, but I guess you already knew that, right?

He’s loaded, I could also agree with that. I could remember the way your eyes sparkle as you told me another story of the amazing date he just took you on. A candle-lit dinner by the beach, an impromptu getaway to Italy, the floor seats of a basketball game. I could go on for hours. Just as you could go on for hours talking and crying about the women you saw him with. He claimed they were his friends. The hickey on his neck claimed otherwise. You knew that too.

I heard a knock on my door and I instantly knew it was you.

“Hyukkie, it’s me.”

Because you knew I already knew it was you.

His friends had warned you long ago that he was bad news, that he’s way too messed up for someone as good as you. But being the kind-hearted and unbelievably naïve guy that you are, you dismissed their warning, telling them confidently that they should see the good sides in everyone instead of focusing on the negatives, and that people change for the better all the time. You wanted them to agree with you, but they knew better. And I guess after awhile you knew better too.

I couldn’t really remember the first time he laid a hand on you, I couldn’t remember the little details, I couldn’t remember what day it was, how the sky looked like and how the air felt like. All I could remember was you nursing that bruise on your arm because you claimed you were too demanding of him and that you made him angry. I couldn’t remember how long you stayed that time but I could remember thinking why it was your fault when he was the one giving you that bruise.

And I let you in. I always did.

“Thank god you’re home, I don’t know who else I could talk to.”

I was your only option, just as you were my only source of happiness.

Every time it happened, you came to me. You said I was the only one who could understand, you said nobody listened to you anymore, you said they all left, you said they all had it with you. Tears, bruises, and incoherent drunken words all melted into one. And I just stayed there with you. I stayed there and watched you cry, I could no longer tell you he was no good for you because you already knew that. You just refuse to believe it.

You changed, little by little, here and there. It wasn’t the amount of change taking place that worried me, it was how oblivious you were to those changes. You found it normal that you didn’t smile as often as you used to, you didn’t mind how three shots of whiskey elevates to four shots the next day and five shots the day after that. You were slipping away from me.

Of course you didn’t come here just to talk. You never did.

“Hyukkie, make me feel good.”

You pulled me closer by the collar of my shirt. I just gave in. I gave in because I wanted to.

I didn’t know who you were anymore. I wondered if that guy with the radiant smile that I knew still existed there somewhere, or if the gorgeous, loaded and unreal guy had taken him away from me. What’s most surprising about all of this was how you still stayed with him, how you never found him guilty for ripping you away from the beautiful world you once lived in and dragged you down to that god-forsaken place he lived in. And now you’re both there, and I didn’t know how to get you out.

I told you that I wanted to give up, that I no longer knew how to stop those tears from streaming down your face if you were so willingly letting him cause it. You cried, you freaked out, you screamed, you begged, you hit, you kicked, you told me that I was just like everyone else. And I wondered how you failed to see that you were turning into him. He was turning you into him. I wished you knew that.

You kissed me. Harshly. I tasted blood. You ripped my shirt off.

“I missed you.”

I knew I’d be hurt after this. But I would rather hurt than to not have you. I was turning into you.

I stopped taking your calls, I stopped seeing you. Just like those people in your life, I’ve had it with you. It’s a poisonous circle we were in. You, me, and him. I had done enough, said enough, and if you didn’t have it in you to find who you were again, I couldn’t see why I had to. I gave up. He could have you, he won.

I locked the door to my apartment, reminding myself to drop the key off at the caretaker’s place. This place no longer belonged to me, you would no longer walk through this door. This was the fresh start I needed. But just as I turned around, there you were. No traces of bruise, no traces of alcohol, only a radiant smile. You were still somewhat jaded, but there was something there. You were back.

“I left him.”

It was the first day of summer, the sky was a clear blue, and the air was hot and humid. I remembered them all, and I remembered what you said.

I remembered, Donghae.