-

 

Kyungsoo comes home with yet again another pair of shoes on their door and a mess of clothings from dresses to undergarments. Kyungsoo sighs as he start to pick things up, throw it into the laundry, get upstairs and cover his ears with headphones playing in full volume.

 

-

 

Kyungsoo wakes up by his alarm. It is another normal day, he thinks. It's Tuesday and Jongin has school, and as a good paper husband he is, as Jongin likes to say it, he gets up off his bed to cook breakfast for him or maybe, for a visitor too.

 

While setting the plates on the table, Jongin sits on one of the chairs and asks for coffee, which Kyungsoo immediately place in front of the younger since he knows Jongin can't get through a day without a doze of caffeine.

 

"Jongin."

 

"What."

 

"You have school, you need to hurry up."

 

"Fine."

 

"Jongin."

 

"What?"

 

"Let's take her home."

 

Jongin smirks, "I already asked her to go home right after I her."

 

"Language, Jongin."

 

The younger rolls his eyes, "I'm preparing for school." and gets upstairs back to his room.

 

Kyungsoo can only sigh at the untouched food and a half-empty mug of coffee.

 

-

 

It was later that day when Jongin's parents came for a visit.

 

The thing is that, Kyungsoo is married to Jongin because the younger's parents asked him to. Kyungsoo didn't know why he immediately said yes but then he thinks, maybe it was because he grew attached to Jongin's parents and he just really want to escape a dark past, that is still hunting him.

 

It's the only way Jongin's parents can think as a solution to take Kyungsoo away from his abusive uncle.

 

Kyungsoo is thankful. So much thankful that he feels guilty because they had to sacrifice Jongin's freedom to choose who he should live the rest of his life after exchanging vows in front of an altar.

 

"How are you?"

 

"I'm fine mom."

 

Kyungsoo feels a little surge of happiness just by calling Mrs. Kim like that. Like he wasn't abandon to an uncle who only knows money, money, money and .

 

"How's you and Jongin?" Mr. Kim asks.

 

Kyungsoo fidgets on his seat for awhile, "Jongin.. He's still the same. I'm sorry."

 

"It's fine Kyungsoo. I just. We're worried of his rebellious actions lately. To the extent of bringing here at your own home his flings." Mrs. Kim sighs and her husband holds her hand to give it a light squeeze.

 

"I'll.. try my best. Please don't worry too much." Kyungsoo assures and Jongin's father smiles at him thankfully.

 

"But.. don't you feel bothered? He is still your husband, Kyungsoo."

 

"He is." On paper as he likes to call it. Kyungsoo wants to add but bites it back. Worrying the adults about Jongin's rebellion is enough. "But its fine--not really fine but, Jongin is still adjusting, it has been only a month after all."

 

"Your kindness will hurt you, honey." Jongin's mom stares at him with concern. "Please take care of him for us, okay?"

 

"Will do."

 

Kyungsoo sends them off not before they kissed his forehead.

 

-

 

Jongin is already home when Kyungsoo got back from waiting for the younger for two hours.

 

Kyungsoo is not mad, a little hurt is a another case though, because it's not really the first time it happens. Honestly speaking, he can't even count anymore how many times Jongin asked him to fetch him on the school gates and make him wait there for hours only to get a text that he went home taking a bus.

 

"Have you eaten your dinner yet?"

 

"No."

 

"Do you want me to cook?"

 

"I'm not really hungry. I'm going upstairs."

 

Jongin walks pass by him and Kyungsoo sighs. Jongin must really hate him that much.

 

-

 

Is he the boy that the Kim's were talking about?

 

Is he really marrying the only son?

 

I heard he was beaten and used by his uncle.

 

But why would they let him marry their son if he's dirty at a young age?

 

Did he poisoned them or what?

 

He didn't even finished high school.

 

Kyungsoo just tightens his clenched fist on the hem of his shirt while waiting for the Kim's to settle the schedule for his wedding to their only son.

 

And tries to drown things he heard back in the Kim's company. Tries to forget. Tries, tries, tries, tries.

 

But it's still embedded in bold black letters in his head: User. Pitiful. Disgusting.

 

-

 

Kyungsoo wakes up earlier than his alarm. He turns it off and prepares for work. It's Friday, and Kyungsoo has to show on the office because missing his normal two office days a week is ugly. He only goes to office during Mondays and Fridays and sometimes being called for an errands and urgent meetings.

 

Kyungsoo works as the editor-in-chief of the digital art department on the Kim's company. Many doesn't like the treatment he gets just because the Kims are in fond of him and he's their son-in-law now, too. But his skills are great so they can't really talk it aloud. Only through whispers in his back, in the cafeteria, and even in comfort rooms.

 

He cooks breakfast for Jongin and starts the coffee maker before he wakes Jongin up.

 

Jongin grunts, "Leave me alone."

 

"Jongin. Come on, get ready for school."

 

"Will you stop it?! You're not even my mom!"

 

Because I'm your husband. But of course, Kyungsoo can't say that, "Jongin. Please."

 

Groans and curses muffled by pillow leaves Jongin's mouth before getting up and heads straight to the bathroom.

 

Kyungsoo always feels accomplished when Jongin gets up after some nagging. Though the younger gets mean all the time, Kyungsoo still likes the fact that Jongin gets up to go to school because he tells him to, not that Kyungsoo enjoys being dominant on things but just because he knows, Jongin still listens.

 

-

 

From: Jongin

9:07PM. 25Oct.'13

 

Pick me up. School's front gates.

 

Kyungsoo takes his car keys from his office drawer and bids goodbye to his officemates (in which only two people out of fourteen namely Jongdae and Junmyeon acknowledged).

 

He drives to Jongin's university. Kyungsoo is half-expecting Jongin not being there as per usual but what he sees is what he expects the last.

 

Jongin is sitting at one of the waiting benches and making out with a girl stradling him on his lap.

 

Something stirs inside Kyungsoo.

 

He sighs before getting out of the car and interrupting the heated make-out session unfolding in front of him. "Jongin." Kyungsoo called, more like squeeked breathlessly.

 

"Hey." Jongin answers after pulling out and wiping his lipstick stained lips with the back of his hand. "Mind me bringing her home?"

 

This has never happened. The usual will be Kyungsoo getting back home in a dark house with clothes already sprawled on the floor and hearing muffled moans from Jongin's bedroom. Never once the younger asking permission.

 

And Kyungsoo just wants to cry because he thinks that was better than this.

 

Kyungsoo sighs and heads back to the car.

 

The ride consist of mouths kissing and giggles and moans in the back seat and tight grips on steering wheel and hurt and pain and unnoticed tears.

 

-

 

Silence means yes was never a truth for Kyungsoo.

 

A boy can asks a girl if she can go out with him. Silence means yes, he would think if she didn't answer right away. But then, he wouldn't know if she stays silent because she doesn't want to hurt him by saying she doesn't.

 

You see, people has the tendency to assume things the way they want it to be.

 

Jongin sits on his usual seat on the table. Saturday morning sun is already high above and Kyungsoo notices yet again that Jongin is really handsome.

 

"Morning."

 

"Hm."

 

"Coffee?"

 

"Sure."

 

Just like that, just like always, they spend the day in their own rooms.

 

-

 

Kyungsoo likes, love, to sing. He doesn't do it in public though. Singing had been his escape back when he was younger when he's all alone in a room full of broken chairs and appliances and dust.

 

He sings when he's sure rats were the only audience watching and hearing him.

 

Kyungsoo sings when he's alone, when lonely, which is most of the time.

 

So he softly sings to the flowers accompanying him at home while waiting for Jongin to get back or maybe text him to pick him up.

 

The unlocked door opens and Kyungsoo slowly turns to door with a small smile expecting Jongin.

 

"Oh. You didn't see me coming over, did you?"

 

-

 

The first time it happened was when Kyungsoo is 13.

 

The boy is silently reading a book an old lady at the bakery accross the street gave him to pass time since she said she noticed Kyungsoo finishing his homework in an instant and left with nothing to do after.

 

It was ten past eight in the evening and his uncle came home with mouth smelling alcohol. " that guy. his fortune. it all!"

 

"Uncle?"

 

"You. Come here."

 

"U-Uncle. You're drunk--"

 

"I said come here!"

 

Kyungsoo clearly remembers how he was kicked on his stomach and was punched, punched, punched until his left eye can barely see and his white shirt turned crimson red being thrown away with all other garments he has and everything follows was a nightmare in Kyungsoo's tears-blurred eyes.

 

-

 

Kyungsoo wakes up breathing hard, heart pounding and body covered in sweats.

 

He realized he had slept on the couch waiting for Jongin. He looks up on the wall clock saying 1:50AM.

 

He goes to the kitchen for a glass of water and to calm his heart.

 

He was still shaking and his knees feels weak but he managed not to shout when he felt a hand shook his shoulder. "Yah."

 

Kyungsoo breathes, "Jongin, when did you came back?"

 

"By ten I guess." Jongin answers and pours a glass of water for himself.

 

"I.. didn't notice. I'm sorry."

 

"What's that?"

 

"Which?"

 

Jongin's brows furrows and he reached to his face, at the upper part of his left cheek. "Ah. This. I hit myself on the steering wheel while I was cleaning the car."

 

"..Ah." Jongin didn't seem to buy it. "You're car never gets dirty. More so, for you to pick trashes on the drivers seat."

 

"Well--it's nothing."

 

"Don't get me wrong. I'm not worried. Just curious."

 

Kyungsoo curls into a ball on his bed awhile later. He sings his favorite song in soft volume, voice cracking every now and then. He pulls the sheets tighter because oddly enough, it makes him feel a little safer.

 

Oh, and he cries that night too.

 

-

 

The first incident were followed by more physical beatings and ual abused. It stopped when he was 14, when police came and take his uncle of a bastard to a prison rehab because of being drug induced.

 

Kyungsoo was send to an orphanage which was helped regularly by the Kim's.

 

There he met Jongin's parents.

 

Kyungsoo was alone, because he doesn't know how everyone knows. Then a woman with a warm smile and a bit tan skin came to him offering him a bag of cookies. For you, she said, pay me a smile?

 

Kyungsoo smiles while he cries.

 

-

 

Kyungsoo comes home with boxers sprawled on the floor. Usual routine, picks it up, throws in the washing machine, head upstairs and drown the moans behind the paper-thin walls with his headphones.

 

Kyungsoo cries again.

 

-

 

Kyungsoo's first meeting with Jongin was unpleasant.

 

With the sudden declaration from your parents saying you'll marry him as soon as you get legal.

 

Jongin cursed out loud before turning his back to the three of them with Jongin's father screaming at him for such language and rude actions.

 

So Kyungsoo can't blame Jongin at all. He wouldn't know what to feel either if he was put on the younger's shoes.

 

Sunday evening is silent besides the soft tap of the raindrops outside. Kyungsoo drinks his lemon tea near the garden area, away from being wet. Jongin is in the living room reading random magazine while munching on a bag of chips.

 

"Jongin. If.. we didn't get in a situation like this, do you think we can be friends atleast?" Kyungsoo asked softly, not sure himself if he spoke loud enough.

 

He doesn't hear anything, only the tap, tap, tap of raindrops on the pavement.

 

"I wished we can still be atleast, even with the circumstances now. I'm sorry." a whisper drown out by the rain.

 

He hears footsteps going upstairs and a door closing.

 

-

 

Kyungsoo loves rains but hates thunders. It's too loud, and scary.

 

Kyungsoo is 18 and tries to run and run and run fast because he can't live like that anymore. He didn't know how his uncle got out from the cell to show up hell yet again to his almost fading scars.

 

Water droplets are cold to his skin and bruises. But he doesn't care. Five years of healing were wasted the moment he stepped in his dormitory with his uncle sitting on his bed and a roommate unconcious

 

-

 

"How was baby Kyungsoo? All good are we? In universities and all. Heh."

 

He grabs him by his hair, and Kyungsoo tries to squirm away, but he's weak, he's always weak, Kyungsoo never fights, just accept things.

 

"Do you think someone like you deserves this? No, dear. Someone as dirty as you don't. What? You think those Kims will come and help you?"

 

"Please. Uncle. Don't hurt them."

 

"Sure. You know the payment."

 

-

 

"Why.. Why can't you just stop and die."

 

That is probably the sharpess words Kyungsoo throws at someone, specifically his uncle.

 

"Oh. So you grew a sharp tongue. Now that's bad, let me do something about it."

 

He chokes as three digits were forced inside his mouth.

 

"This is only a start, Kyungsoo."

 

His uncle lets out a loud yelp when Kyungsoo bites it and runs for the door. Rain soaking his shaking body as he fumbles on his car keys and he gasped when someone held his wrist.

 

He looks up, "Jongin!--I--we need to call the police--"

 

"So he's the husband."

 

Jongin's hold on his wrist tightens, "So you're the uncle."

 

"Oh. So you know?"

 

"I'm the husband after all."

 

"Sweet are we?"

 

"Jongin.. he will--"

 

"Kyungsoo, did you tell him I already get tired of you and your ugly screamings during nights?" sly smirk still clearly seen on his uncle's face despite the rain in the evening.

 

"Yeah. He did. You know what? Let me punch you."

 

Jongin lunges forward and punches his uncle. Kyungsoo doesn't know how Jongin did it but his uncle became unconcious a minute after.

 

Jongin wipes his knuckles with a bit splotch of blood which is wipe away by the rain on his uniform and turns to him.

 

"Jongin." he calls.

 

It feels like an eternity while Jongin walks closely to him, still panting, "..Kyungsoo."

 

Jongin called his name for the first time.

 

Kyungsoo's tears and were mixed with rain water and he finally let out all the cries he had kept all the years. 

Jongin reaches out and Kyungsoo clings tightly to the former's neck and continues to cries. "Jongin. Jongin. Jongin."

 

When Jongin hugs him back, Kyungsoo finally understands the feeling of being safe.

 

-

 

The police came right away after they called, he heard Jongin asked the officers to just get back after some days because Kyungsoo isn't ready yet. The latter didn't talked the whole time the police were at the house.

 

Jongin sits beside him silently and pulls him in its arms again. "Kyungsoo."

 

"How.. do you know?"

 

"They told me after the marriage."

 

The first silence that the two of them didn't mind.

 

"Do you hate me?" the question in Kyungsoo's mind ever since.

 

"No."

 

"But I am disgusting. Being used and all."

 

"Kyungsoo. Sleep with me?"

 

Kyungsoo looks up at Jongin, "What?"

 

"..Make love to me."

 

"Jongin.."

 

Jongin leans in. Its the first in three months after leaving the altar as one that Kyungsoo got to kiss Jongin again.

 

Warm and Jongin were the only things in Kyungsoo's mind. The kiss almost satisfies them both, but then suddenly it didn't when Kyungsoo unknowingly tangles Jongin's hair in his fingers and Jongin places Kyungsoo on his lap.

 

It wasn't until Jongin stands up, with Kyungsoo's legs wrap on his waist that the latter pulls away ever so slightly. "Jongin, I--"

 

But the younger kisses him again and all coherent thoughts Kyungsoo tries hard to form flies away.

 

"Tomorrow. Everything."

 

Jongin kisses him again, carrying him upstairs to its room while doing so.

 

Both of their shirts were gone by the time Jongin gently placed him on the bed. Soft, cool sheets touching his as Jongin trails butterfly kisses from his lips down to his chin then down to his neck. "You're flawless."

 

Kyungsoo's eyes flutters open in shock because he is anything but that, "Jongin, I'm not."

 

"You are. You don't believe me, do you?"

 

"But I'm not."

 

Jongin leans in again and kisses his lips yet again.

 

"And beautiful too."

 

Jongin kisses him, from his jaw all the way down to his stomach.

 

"This pale skin, its lovely."

 

"Jongin.. Please." Kyungsoo's reply came breathless as Jongin pulls down his pants and boxers.

 

"You're beautiful."

 

"Please don't."

 

"Really beautiful." Jongin says as he kisses his inner thighs and Kyungsoo's body is all flustered with all the warm Jongin is giving him.

 

"Flustered cheeks. Cute."

 

"Jongin.."

 

But Jongin didn't stop. The younger calls him with all the fluttery word one can know as he trails sloppy kisses on his fragile pale body. Kyungsoo never thought someone would say that to him, never once in his life he thought someone as beautiful as Jongin would.

 

"Perfect."

 

Kyungsoo thought tonight is his first time coming with Jongin whispering him words of fluttery.

 

"Jongin.."

 

"I love you."

 

Kyungsoo cries again.

 

"I love you, Kyungsoo." Jongin repeats as if its not enough saying once.

 

"Jongin, I.. Someone like you deserves better."

 

"Be selfish for once and claim me as yours. Please Kyungsoo. Please."

 

"I love you. I love you. I love you."

 

Kyungsoo gets the best sleep in his twenty years of existence after repeating i love yous about a hundred times and ending it with you're mine with warms arms keeping him feeling secure.

 

-

 

Morning comes and Kyungsoo wakes up with Jongin's eyes staring at him.

 

"Morning, Kyungsoo."

 

"M-Morning.."

 

Jongin remains quite as he blush and smiles at his flustered face.

 

"Y-Yah--"

 

"Hyung."

 

"Hm?"

 

"Good morning kiss please?"

 

Kyungsoo blinks and blinks and blinks some more.

 

Jongin whines a little, "Hyung." and pouts. And Kyungsoo thinks he's heart can't contain all the feelings Jongin is giving to him anymore.

 

Kyungsoo leans upwards and kisses Jongin too softly and too shortly. Too short. Jongin comments. Kyungsoo gathers a bit more of courage from the first tentative kiss and presses much longer though still soft with lips just touching. Too light. Jongin more like whine. Kyungsoo lightly Jongin's lower lip the third time and Jongin said do it again.

 

So Kyungsoo does.

 

They end up kissing from light kisses to featherly ones and to sloppy and deep up to kisses with tongues and they seem like they don't plan on stopping but then Jongin's stomach protested.

 

"Damn it." Jongin whispered as he buries his reddened face between Kyungsoo's neck and shoulder.

 

Kyungsoo simply laughs and lightly ruffles his hair. "I'll cook. Let's get up?"

 

The younger let out a frustrated sigh.

 

Kyungsoo thinks he likes laughing.

 

-

 

Jongin is still blushing from embarassment even while Kyungsoo is cooking breakfast for both of them and the younger is sitting watching him.

 

"You look great in my shirt and boxers."

 

"Jongin.."

 

"What? You do."

 

Kyungsoo shakes his head but smiles nevertheless.

 

Kyungsoo is wearing one of Jongin's plain navy colored shirt and Jongin's boxer too just so they can experience one of those cliche morning afters in movies where the girl would wear the guy's clothes.

 

("why should I be the one wearing your clothes though? I'm older."

 

"Hyung, do you think your clothes would fit on me?")

 

-

 

Kyungsoo asked Jongin later that day how come he loves him when all Jongin does before says i hate you.

 

"I was waiting."

 

"Waiting for what?"

 

"For you to notice me."

 

And Kyungsoo finally understands. "I'm sorry."

 

"It's alright--well, not entirely, but.. I was really waiting for the day that you would yell at me and tell me to stop." Jongin pauses and reaches for his hand, starts playing with it as he continues, "You see, I.. can't really show affections to those people who are dear to me, or person's I care rather. I'm the epitome of awkwardness if only you knew."

 

"I'm sorry. I--"

 

"You probably didn't remember a kid you played with wearing a face mask because he currently has a contagious cold."

 

-

 

Young Kyungsoo was left on the kid's playground at the new pre-school because his mom and dad went for groceries.

 

Ms. Seo was the one who brought him inside and gave him a few chocolates and asked him to take care and to not hurt himself.

 

There was a lone kid sitting at one of the seesaw far from the others playing inside a sandbox and little Kyungsoo had the urge to lift him up.

 

So Kyungsoo did and the other kid let out a small yelp when he was lifted off the ground.

 

Little Kyungsoo laughed, he's so cute, he thought.

 

Hi, he greeted.

 

Hello, he replied.

 

Why are you here?

 

Mom and Dad is buying groceries.

 

My Mom and Dad too! Why are you wearing a mask?

 

I'm sick.

 

Oh. But why aren't you playing with other kids?

 

They don't want me there because I'm sick.

 

Oh.

 

Kyungsoo continues to lift himself and pull down for the other side to lift.

 

I'm Kyungsoo. Do. Kyungsoo.

 

...

 

You?

 

My mom said don't talk to strangers.

 

Oh. Then, don't say your name, just tell me what I should call you.

 

I can't think of anything.

 

Kyungsoo looked around him and saw the chocolates Ms. Seo gave him earlier, the only word his young mind make out of all was 'Kai'.

 

Kai.

 

Kai?

 

Yep.

 

Okay.

 

I'm Kyungsoo.

 

I'm Kai.

 

-

 

"Do you know what is my stage name at school?"

 

Kyungsoo stares in disbelief.

 

"It's Kai."

 

-

 

Kyungsoo bid his goodbye in which only the same two co-worker with the addition of the new interns Baekhyun and Chanyeol acknowledged.

8

Kyungsoo stops a meter from his car and stares at Jongin standing and keeping his hands warm inside his school uniform's pocket.

 

It's the start of winter and it's freaking cold outside and as Kyungsoo realizes it, he runs to Jongin and clasps his hands inside him and rubs it to his to give warmth. He almost flinched at how cold it feels.

 

"Jongin, what are you doing here? Why didn't you went inside? How long have you been here? Why didn't you call me? Why--"

 

Jongin pecks his lips. "Just want to pay all the waiting you did."

 

"But you might get a cold. How long have you been standing here?"

 

"Hm.. almost an hour?"

 

"You're not serious."

 

"I am."

 

Kyungsoo tip toes and kisses Jongin soft and warm. "Thank you."

 

Jongin smiles, "You're welcome."

 

That night, after series of heated kisses and moans and skin touching skin, Jongin whispers i love you. Again. Again and again.