I don’t remember.

I’ve said those words too many times and I hate it all. I just can’t remember! Anyone that I was once close to, have been erased from my mind. It was as if all the things that happened two years ago was shredded and ripped in half. It left an empty imprint on my heart, like someone shot a hole through my beating heart. I want to remember, but I can’t.  That part of my brain has been crushed and taken out. The car accident that happened on September 21, 2012, that was the reason of my amnesia. The doctor told me that I was sitting in an unmoving vehicle, alone, and got hit from behind by a truck. I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt, and with the force that the truck hit me with, my body flew through the window, my head, hitting a pole. I had a major concussion, and after a few CAT scans, they diagnosed that I had amnesia.

My mother came rushing into the hospital room later that day. She told me that after they release me, we were going back to our hometown, where my parents lived. I stayed there, completing the last two years of high school. I was a loner back home. I refused to talk to anyone that didn’t seem like they would fill the hole in my heart. It was aggravating. I wanted to run away from home the whole entire time – not knowing why – and back to Seoul, like I needed to be there. But I never did, I stayed for two years, to my mother’s content, then, took a plane back to Seoul.

I’ve been accepted into SM University. I was very smart, I found out during my known years in Andong Life Science High School. I was very exultant, at first. But as the day when school started came near, I had butterflies in my stomach.

Seoul completed me. I felt very at home, even more than when I was in my actual hometown. The busy streets, holding a plethora of people, and the sound of honking cars seemed all too familiar to me.

 Seoul made me brighter. I smile more often and got awfully chattier. I made friends with my neighbors in the apartment building I was currently living in, not close though, just merely people you would say “hi” to or ask for salt or something between those lines. Seoul is my oyster.

--

The day before school started was a wreck.

My brain malfunctioned, I kept on tripping over my own feet, and I couldn’t even look at my schedule properly. But when tomorrow actually came, I was better than I was the day before, although I was naturally clumsy.

--

I felt lost and singled out.

Everyone knew each other at this university, like they all came from the same high school. SM High School was the name I kept on hearing. Well, SMHS students coming to SM University seemed a bit too predicted. The other students had all gone to SM Elementary School to SM Junior High to SM High School to SM University. Now I saw why it was so hard to get in. SM had the best education in all of Korea, so the students that went to SM were very smart; it explains why the principal was so shocked when I passed the exam to get in.

It was strange; the principal looked through my file and exclaimed, “You took your two first years in high school at SM! Now it makes sense!”

Mother never told me that I went to SM High, but I never really asked in the first place.

The campus was filled with people, while I was standing off in the sidelines, trying not to get lost into groups I shouldn’t be in.

I came to a rigid stop.

Behind a cluster of boys, a guy stood, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. He had on a blue and white baseball jacket over a black wifebeater. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him; I even forgot where I was. I took in his dark brown, curly hair and his matching pale skin that shone through his hoodie, which was placed over his head. And for a split second, I saw a flashing image of myself folded into those arms.

No; impossible. I couldn’t even see his face properly. There was no way that I knew that boy.

But I still couldn’t avert my eyes.

He was intriguing. His dark aura, forcing people to stay away from him, dared me to come closer. He bobbed his head, as if listening to music through unseen ear buds.

My mind screamed to look away and leave, but my shattered heart told me differently. On tempo with his bobs, I took a step closer to him. My body was completely taken over and hypnotized by his enticing form.

Once I was close enough, but still unseen, I reached out for his hoodie and slid it down his head.

Like I guessed, he had ear buds in his ear. But he stopped bobbing to the music. He opened his eyes and slowly turned his head to look at me, flinching once his eyes were on mine. He was impossibly handsome, with a sharp jaw line and beautiful dark orbs. I was frozen under his gaze. It felt, just by looking at him, heaven yet it was cold. His eyes were icy cold.

“What do you want?” – I could see his jaw tighten with anger – “Don’t you know you’re invading my personal space?”

My eyes soften with fear. He seemed so familiar to me, yet I couldn’t remember; I never do. But he treated me as if he never met me before.

“I-I’m sorry, I-you looked familiar so... I used to live here and I thought...” – He just walked away.

My jaw dropped. He was so vile and right when I thought I found a piece of my shattered heart.

--

I met him again. Several times, actually.

We had many classes together, but he chose the farthest seat away from me as possible. He doesn’t want to be near me, the little voice in my head said. Why? I’ve done nothing wrong to him. Except, maybe, pulled his hoodie down without permission but you don’t just walk up to someone, asking if you could pull their hoodie down and look at their face.

It surprised me when we both walked the same route after classes ended. I watched him slowly walk in front of me, making me slow down my pace just to see where he was heading. I sound like a stalker, don’t I?

I waited and waited for him to turn and walk in a different direction, but he never did. He just kept walking in the same direction I was going.

He had his hoodie over his head, once again, emitting a dark aura to warn everyone to stay away. He was fit, I noted. I might have looked at his flat stomach when I pulled his hoodie down. He wore grey skinny jeans that were sagged down to his lower waist. He would fumble something in his jacket pocket once in a while.

“Are you just going to keep on following me?” – I flinched. I had no idea that he knew that I was following him. Wait, I wasn’t following him at all.

I ran up to his side. “I wasn’t following you. My apartment is in this direction.”

He hummed, dissatisfied with my answer, “I don’t believe you.”

“Why? How do you know I’m lying? You never met me before and yet you already assume something about me,” I said, a little pissed. I hated when people assume something about me even though they don’t know me.

“What if I told you that I did know you?” – I froze.

“I-I don’t remember you,” I mumbled, my head hanging low.

“I know,” he said, slightly disappointed.

“Hey, wait.” – I ran up to his side again – “How did you know me?”

He flinched before carefully picking his words, “We knew each other from school.” Is he not going to tell me more?

Then it dawned on me. “Say my name,” I demand. Maybe if I heard him say it, just once...

He opened his mouth, hesitantly obeying, “Ai-Hwa.”

I blushed as I felt my heart skip a beat. I never liked my name, thinking that it belonged to a pretty girl, whereas I was not, but hearing it come out his mouth made my rethink that decision. It felt like I heard my name come out of his mouth many times before, it sounded all too familiar through his voice yet, I loved the sound of his voice. It was soothing, fruity, and modulated. In other words, it was just plain pleasant and addictive.

I saw the headlights of a car flash by, distracting me immediately.

“Watch out!” – Warm arms s around my waist and pulled me back, away from the speeding car and into safety. Our breathing was heavy and unbalanced. I was pressed tightly to his body, facing his chest. I could feel his heartbeat, which was beating rapidly. It probably wasn’t true but I swore it was beating because of me. “You should pay more attention to your surroundings,” he murmured before releasing me. I had to bite down on my lower lip in order to prevent a whimper to escape.

After a total of thirty minutes, walking side by side, we both end out going into the same apartment complex, to the same floor, and to the apartment rooms that were right next to each other. Now that I think about it, I never knocked on his door.

He took out his key which was held in a key chain.

It was very... cute. There were five keys on the chain and a plush Minun. I love that Pokémon. In fact, I have the plush Plusle... on my key chain. That’s funny. We have matching key chains. What a twist of fate.

The sound of his door opening snapped me back to reality.

“Wait! What’s your name,” I stop him from entering. He stared at me with unreadable eyes before answering,

“Kim Jongdae.”

--

I woke up with the sound of busy Seoul. I forced my lazy body to get out of bed and get ready for classes. I took a quick shower, brushed my teeth, and brushed my hair. Then, I put on my comfortable skinny jeans, over-sized jacket, and matching red Vans. I tied my hair up and glance at my wall clock – 6:30 it said – and groan loudly. I never woke up this early before and my classes don’t start until eight. I should’ve looked at the time before getting ready. I was about to fall back into bed with my school outfit on but then, from the thin walls of this apartment, I heard a door open in the neighboring room. I threw the covers off my body, dash to the door, and poke my head outside.

He, Jongdae, had on a red, white and black plaid shirt, with the sleeves slightly rolled up, over yet another black wifebeater. He had on a couple of bracelets on his arm and his hair was a little curlier than yesterday. I saw clearly, now that his head wasn’t covered, a piercing on his left ear. My heart fluttered as I took in how even more ridiculously handsome he was.

I watched him, curiously, as he closes his door, oblivious that I was there. He then turned and walk down the stairwell, across the parking lot, and into the lively Seoul. I crept outside of my door and closed it shut. I was about to start following him when something caught my eye. His apartment door wasn’t completely shut. Maybe he just didn’t close it tightly, I thought as I wrap my hand around the knob. I should’ve closed it for him. I knew I should. But instead, I found myself easing the door open.

I walk into his apartment, ignoring the guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I gasped. Around the apartment, everywhere, were pictures of me and him, together: smiling, fooling around, lovingly.

 I don’t understand. Why does he have such pictures with me when he said we were merely just acquaintances?

That’s when I saw it.

On the coffee table that was in the middle of the room, held scattered piles of opened letters. I took hesitant steps towards them.

They were all labeled, “To: Ai-Hwa” or “To: Jongdae”. I easily recognized my handwriting.

 I don’t remember writing letters. 

I noticed that they were sorted, in messy piles, by date. I grabbed the first one.

To: Ai-Hwa

Your smile brightens my day.

Oh god, he’s cheesy.

I love the smell of your hair and the feeling of your hands in mine. I’m addicted to your lips and intoxicated by your gaze. I wish I could hold you in my arms forever. I wish I could wake up every morning to the sight of your pouty lips and beautiful face. Ai-Hwa, Saranghae.

-Jongdae

This, I’ve read this before.

I pick up another one, the one with the latest date. It was the only one that was unopened.

To: Ai-Hwa

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

The ink was smeared by droplets of water. Tears?

I watched you lie on the hospital bed, lifelessly. I cried and begged for you to wake up. But you just wouldn’t open your eyes. You were like that for three weeks. It killed me every time I grazed my eyes over the needles that were all over your body, and it’s all my fault too.

He was there? What does he mean by “his fault”?

Then, you opened your eyes. I was so happy. But the first words that came out of your mouth were, “Who are you?” It felt like someone stabbed my heart. You didn’t remember me, Ai-Hwa. I told the doctor and he did a few checks. He told me that you have amnesia... that you couldn’t recall anything that happened this past year and the one before that. That meant that you couldn’t remember what happened in the accident, that you couldn’t remember me. I begged the doctor to tell you that I was never there, not beside you in the hospital bed, or in the car that night. I asked him if there was anything he could do to erase that five minutes you saw me when you woke up. And he did as I asked. He said that you would wake up again in a day. I left. I left the hospital and threw away everything that could possibly remind you of me. But if you’re reading this letter, that means that you have found me and since you did, I’ll tell you what really happened that day.

Tears fell down my eyes.

It was a clear, beautiful night. You had insisted on going out, since it was my birthday. I happily obliged. So we went to dinner, the movies, and then you wanted to stay a little longer to count the stars. We stayed in the car; hands intertwined, and counted the stars. You were so beautiful, with the moon shinning on your face and a bright smile plastered on your lips. You said that you loved me and vice versa. You unclipped your seat belt and placed a gentle, loving kiss on my lips. I told you that I would love you for eternity and that’s when the truck hit us.

“What are you doing?”

I was so focused that I didn’t hear the door reopen nor did I hear Jongdae walking in. I turned around with pain stricken eyes.

“Wae? You told me that we were just acquaintances, that we barely knew each other. Then why is this” – I wave my hand around the apartment – “telling me differently!? You lied to me!” My eyes were blurred with water and I could taste the saltiness when I my lips. “Jongdae, there was an emptiness in my heart! Something that you knew only you would be able to fill! And yet you just leave me with no clue, no memory, nothing!” – I slammed the letter on his chest, my legs felt like they were going to give out.

He grasped my hand and cupped my face with the other.

“Ai Hwa, I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to get hurt again because of me,” he cooed. He wiped my face with his thumb, bringing the hand that held mine up to my face also. “You have to believe me when I say I still love you,” he said as he kissed my eyes, hoping I would stop crying. And naturally, I did. My tears dried up, only my hiccups were left, and he had the best technique to get rid of them.

 He placed his lips on mine, moving at a soft, gentle pace. He ran a hand through my hair, deepening the kiss. His warmth enveloped my whole body, pressing me close to him. My lips moved in sync with his, as if it was memorized but traveled to the back of my head.  

“I love you too,” I gasp, catching my breath, memorizes of us flashing through my mind.

-

If you don't know what Plusle or Minun is... you .

JKJKJK.

They are a "species" of super cute pokemon.

You have to look them up and save ten thousand pictures of them!

Just kidding~

Plusle and Minun is my fav pokemon. b-t-dubs