A smile is carved yet again on my lips. I can’t help but to just smile at every chance I have, if that is the least I can do to make everyone around me happy. Smile can do wonders you know? It can make more people smile, it can give others warmth whenever they’re feeling down or alone, and it can send the universal message of that “ I’m perfectly fine. Everything’s great”, to all the person who are watching me . Because when you’re doing whatever you’re doing, people around you would expect you to be happy and enjoying each and every moment since it’s exactly what you wanted and chosen to do. They don’t want to know whether I’m facing difficulties or not, whether the road ahead is smooth or the complete opposite of what is expected, or even whether i have ever or do i never regretted my actions, my choices, my words and everything else in my life. A smile would do it for them, since me smiling would be indicating that nothing’s wrong with me because they don’t even bother to know about anything else. If they really do, they would ask whether or not I’m completely okay even after i’ve given my brightest smile ever.

                But they just don’t. Some does but definitely not all. They’re taking the sweet smile of for granted. The expect me, the one who’s been busy carving up smiles and sending kisses their way to always understand them, stepping up to their highest expectations and doing the absolute best every time for them.  I do understand, that’s why i would always make sure to present ourselves as to how they desired me to be. I  are stepping up to their expectations, that’s why I never stop from making promises to them and I never said that I’m too tired of constantly fulfilling their expectations. I am doing my absolute best each and every time, that’s why I’ve never stop from perfecting myself over and over again, never stop from always being hypercritical to myself and would always felt down and crushed whenever i fail to deliver the perfection they’re hoping for every time I’m doing what I’m doing.

                The smile that’s always on my face is never a fake one, but it serves as a mask. Meant to hide my pain, frustrations, exhaustion and everything else that shouldn’t or just can’t be seen by others. Never in my whole life would I say that I’m unhappy with what I’ve been doing all along, unless I’m being told that the one I’m doing really are not the one fated for me. Only then would I ever regretted my choice but never will I ever be unhappy for it, since every occurrence in life holds its own meaning for me take and bring all I’ve gained altogether ahead on my journey to find my real path. Since I’ve chosen to do this, I’ll put my heart and soul to each and every tiny detail to what I’m doing so that I can look back at it and feel proud for doing my best at every chance I have. Just that it can be tiring for me to constantly be the one who needs to understand, the one who needs to always step up to their expectations every time and the one who needs to make sure that the very absolute perfection of myself are presented every time.

I’m just a mere human. I can push my limit way off its boundaries, but sometimes I just don’t want to do so. I refuse to do so. I need to be given space so that I can dig deep inside myself and find that void within me so that I can fill it up and get rid of the emptiness. I wanted to be given a chance to show just how fragile and vulnerable I am. I’m not always as strong as I’ve been potraying all along. I’ve been laughing, acting so loud and annoying but everything were done just to fight off my loneliness. All of them watching simply takes all of that and conclude that they’re parts of the real me. They characterized myself by every glimpse of me that they saw in a very short amount of time, how can that be fair for me?  i’m described in ways that do not match the real me at all. They always ask for more than I can offer sometimes, maybe they thought I can outdo myself and nails it every time. I’m flattered by the thought, but sometimes they ask just because they do know that I’m not capable of accomplishing it, for there’s nothing funnier than watching me fail, right? I have my own  insecurities too, you know. Are they even aware of it? I don’t really need constant mentioning or reminding of what exactly I’m lacking. If I am one of those person who would work even better with constant reminder, than I would highly appreciate what you’re doing. What if I’m not that person? What if I decided that all of this constant reminder are added pressure, putting more stress on myself? Then lead to me taking thing in my own hands and headed for the worst, like taking my life with my own bare hand since I decided it was just too much for me too handle. Have any of you ever considered any of this? Or even had the slightest thought about it?

                Since I’ve chosen to walk on this path, maybe what I’ve been telling and asking all of you was a little bit too much. But then I don’t really expect much out all of you, since all of you play a big part in my life all along. No matter whether it’s the past that had been written as history, the present which still being written or the future that had yet to be written off.  I stand because you’re all supporting me, or practically nailing me to a stand so that I can always be standing upright for the sake of all of you. I’ll accept each and every one of your words, gestures, critics and generally everything that’s given to me with utmost gratitude since that would indicates that all of you still had your sight set on me, that you still care. Until that exact moment when you’ve decided and laid eyes on someone else, I’ll stood firm. I’ll act like I’ve had understood all of you all along. I’ll not only would step up to your expectations, I’ll go beyond it. Not forgotten, I’ll present my absolute best, a perfection each and every time I’m doing what I’m doing for all of you. Lastly, I’ll smile that  infamous smile of mine at each and every chances I have, so that you can always be rest assured that I’m “perfectly fine”, that “everything’s great”, and that “ It can never get any better than this”. Even if I really don’t…