A bitter day, it will all be erased like this
I will forget someday
I’ll be able to laugh then, but
Right now I can’t do anything
 

*Hyunseung*

Why me? Why does this have to happen to me?Head lowered, I trudged my way through the lonely street, making my way to the bus stop. My teeth clenched as I felt a cool wind chill my bare hand. I silently cursed myself for storming out of the dorm, forgetting to grab my gloves. My poor hands desperately sought refuge in my warm jeans pocket. The weather today is nice. A perfect autumn afternoon. But I don’t feel nice. In fact, it feels like the weather’s mocking me. I sat down heavily on the chilled bench of the bus stop.

The calmness of this place made me think. I could feel all my feelings bubbling inside me, rising up in my chest. Anger, disappointment, betrayal, sadness. I felt it all. I struggle not to let my tears fall. I couldn’t accept defeat. But being my weak self, I lost my internal battle and the tears fell. A sob involuntarily escaped my lips.

I could distinctly hear the faint sound of laughter. I cracked my head an angle to the side. A happy couple was walking, holding hands, laughing merrily. The world apart from me is doing fine. You’re living well. It’s not fair. The couple walked past me and cast me pitiful glances. That’s me. The pitiful pathetic loser who can never do anything right. Is that why he chose Hara over me? She was everything I’m not. She’s pretty, talented, smart and she always did things perfectly.

I boarded the bus and sat at a corner. I leaned my head against the frosted window, memories of just now, of you, washing over me like a tidal wave.

-1 hour ago-

            Junhyung and I were the only ones home today. He was out to the grocery store while I surfed the internet. I went to a random k-pop celebrity news website to check for any new rumours of B2ST. My eyes popped out of its sockets.

“B2ST’s Yong Junhyung dating KARA’s Goo Hara”

What? That was impossible. How could… how could my Junnie be dating her? He was MINE. I mean, the public doesn’t know, only the members, but nonetheless, he was MY property. Now what’s with this news of him dating Hara? She was just a close hoobae to us, nothing more. I urgently clicked the link and drummed my fingers impatiently, waiting for the page to load. Ah, finally. My eyes quickly scanned through the article. I blinked once. Twice. Before I knew it, my lips started quivering. I could feel my eyes watering up as I stared at the picture of MY Junhyung holding Hara’s hand as they strolled down a quiet street. Then another picture of him smiling sweetly at her while slinging his arms protectively around her shoulders. No. this cannot be happening. There was even a confirmation from the company that they were dating. For a month already.

Just then, the door creaked open and Junhyung called to me, “Seung-ah, help me carry these bags of groceries in, they’re so heavy…” I just sat there, in front of my laptop, motionless, tears falling faster by the second. “Seung? Are you alright?” He scrunched his eyebrows worriedly, while lugging the many bags of groceries in.

I stood up unsteadily. “Is it true? That you’re dating Hara?” I asked shakily. His eyes turned weary at the mention of her name. Sighing deeply, he nodded hesitantly, eyes downcast. I drew a sharp breath. Our eyes met. No words had to be said but I knew he understood my unspoken question. What about us? He took a deep breath. “Hyunseung, I think we should stop seeing each other. You’re not right for me. I feel uncomfortable, as if I’m wearing clothes that doesn’t suit me…” Before he could continue, I stormed out of the dorm.

I snapped back to reality. I frowned as soon as I saw the surroundings. This wasn’t the way to my destination. I shuffled carefully to the front of the bus. “Erm, excuse me. Where is the stop near Cube Entertainment building?” I meekly asked the bus driver while wiping my eyes. He glanced at me, and that pitiful look lingered for a while, seeing my eyes all puffy from crying. He gruffly told me that the stop I was supposed to alight on had already passed. I was about three stops away.

I decided to alight at the next stop. Once I had gotten off, I scanned my surroundings. The stop I had gotten off, was a stop that I wasn’t familiar with. It looked lonely, and it reminded me of myself. I laughed bitterly. I started crying again. I hated myself. I hated myself for being so weak. But I couldn’t help it. I walked like that for a long time. You said we would last forever, yet we’re still the same as all the others. I hate you so much for betraying me but I’m already missing you. I feel so weak, because I couldn’t hold onto you. And now, I’m starting to pity myself.

No matter what I say, it will sound like an excuse to you

*Junhyung*

“Hyunseung, I think we should stop seeing each other. You’re not right for me. I feel uncomfortable, as if I’m wearing clothes that doesn’t suit me…” What am I saying?? You are the one for me. There is no way that I could ever feel uncomfortable. Not in a million years. But I have to. I have to lie. My heart plunged as I saw your face fall. You clenched your fists and stormed out of the door, slamming it. Not only slamming the door of the dorm, but also slamming the door of my heart, sealing all my emotions tight, refusing to let my tears fall.

I couldn’t bring myself to tell you the truth. You wouldn’t believe it anyway if I told you that I was doing this for you. Because no matter what I say, it will sound like an excuse to you. You are beautiful, million times more beautiful than any girl, but I felt weak beside you. I would oblige to all your requests, my knees would turn to jelly whenever you smiled, I always sided you in arguments with the members, even when you were in the wrong. I was like your own personal slave. I didn’t mind. But you never really displayed much affection to me in front of others, unintentionally making my needy self bug you for attention, or take up your free time. Seeing myself like that, how do you think I felt? I was afraid of becoming a burden to you. I was afraid that I wasn’t the one for you, even though you were the one for me. So I begged Hara and the company for help.

If you were going to get hurt in the end, then we shouldn’t have started at all. I shouldn’t have looked into your eyes for the first time. I thought I would feel relieved after I let you go, relieved of the worry of becoming a burden, but it’s the total opposite. Seeing your crushed face, I start to rethink. Maybe I was the one for you. Maybe it was just my worrywart self overthinking things. But if I was right, I will do the hurting. I just want you to be happy in the future, so that I would not have done this, only to have this decision be useless. So that we don’t regret, I’ll always pray for you. That I had done the right choice. That you would be happier without me.

It’s going to be really hard, but I’ll keep erasing. I’m going to forget you a little bit at a time.

*Hyunseung*

            I had finally reached my destination. Cube Entertainment Building. My legs felt like they were going to give way any minute. I had no more energy left to cry. But I still persevered and climb the stairs to the third floor – the dance studios. Wearily, I walked into the usual one he practices in. I saw him. Kikwang. He went to turn off the music, after seeing my eyes scream to him for help. He ran over to me and pulled me to the couch, catching me just as my legs gave way.

            He looked me in the eyes, and asked, “What’s wrong, Seung?” I faintly whispered, “Jun… Hara… Dating. He dumped me… It hurts” And that was it. I broke down. He pulled me into a sweaty embrace, and I cried on his chest. All my pent up emotions, all the angst, let out on his chest. We stayed in that position for a long time. Strangely, I felt safer in his arms than I had ever felt in Junhyung’s arms. It felt more… right. And now, I think I am able to forget.

I’m sorry… and I love you.

*Junhyung*
            I knew where Hyunseung had gone to. He always goes to the dance studio in the company building, where he can usually find Kikwang, the member he’s closest to, when he is sad, or needs to get something off his chest. I peeked through the small windows into every dance studio to find them. Then, I found them. They were sitting on the couch together, Hyunseung in Kikwang’s muscular arms, crying. Seeing the two of them together, I felt slightly relieved. I had made the right choice in letting you go after all. To let someone you love, go, doesn’t mean you have stopped loving them. It just means that you are giving them more chances to love. After time passes, I’ll be able to laugh and remember the times we had together. You can receive love greater than the love I gave you. And, you’re still beautiful. But for now, let me mourn. Mourn for the loss of the person I love.
 

A bitter day, it will all be erased like this
I will forget someday
That day will come