Myungsoo wakes up like it is any other morning. The air is heavy, winter is still here. Nothing is different. Suzy is asleep on his left arm, and he looks at her for a moment, glances at the clock before going back to bed. The first month of the year is over.

 

Suzy wakes up like it is any other morning. She can hear Myungsoo breathing beside her; deep, slow breaths. His face is so familiar to her so she mentally traces it out in her head, not wanting to open her eyes. He breathes closer to her than before, and she takes it in. It is cold.

 

 

 

 

 

How long has it been? Sometimes you lose track of time even when you are counting. Suzy stares at the calendar pinned on the refrigerator by the magnet they got on their Busan trip. Fish in a basket. Cute trinket, but now Suzy wonders if there’s anything to be happy about when you are a fish caught in a basket to be eaten.

 

Feifei unnie tells her you two have been together forever! at one of their meetups at a gigantic samgyupsal store. She thinks it over for a while. Yeah we have. Min looks at her like it isn’t a good thing.

 

She flips the calendar to the month of January, and circles the very last day.

 

 

 

 

 

There was a time when they used to do everything together. Myungsoo can’t remember when, but it doesn’t seem too long ago. Or was it? He sits at his desk at work, in front of his iMac, editing photos for a fashion spread. Not his job, but Sungyeol is away for the week and it is an urgent matter. Myungsoo’s dedication to his job may or may not spill over into his personal life.

 

The phone rings. It’s his colleague over at the next desk, and she sounds coy and happy. A boyfriend probably. Myungsoo can’t recall the last time she called him at work. Or he calling her. He squints, and overdoes the airbrushing. The model’s leg now has literally no thigh, and Myungsoo just stares at it until his colleague gets off the phone.

 

 

 

 

 

Suzy bakes. She bakes, but doesn’t cook. She is in the middle of her second batch of cupcakes when Myungsoo unlocks the door and takes off his shoes in the doorway. She waits until he walks into the living room before asking him to try some.

 

He hesitates. Myungsoo has never been a big fan of sweets, Suzy thinks. But neither has he been a fan of patronizing her. They stay in this stalemate for a while, her holding out a cupcake, him in the middle of their seemingly cavernous living room, camera case slung over his shoulder. The oven dings.

 

Suzy goes back to the oven. The cupcake remains untouched, at least until they are done with dinner (takeout) and Myungsoo reaches for it. Suzy watches as he peels back the wrapper and bites. He doesn’t look at her.

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t think I can leave her. Sungyeol doesn’t look up. Myungsoo crushes the ice cubes in his glass with his straw. The straw is mangled instead, so he turns to the slice of lime.

 

Sungyeol coughs. He is a good purveyor of advice, but not a very good listener. Myungsoo can’t tell if Sungyeol is bored, or he simply has nothing to offer up. He is almost done with the lime when Sungyeol says:

 

Don’t you mean you can’t live without her?

 

Myungsoo considers it for a moment. And then he laughs.

 

 

 

 

 

She confesses her inability to count time anymore when Myungsoo is around to Min. Min sits opposite her, still steadily cutting her waffle into slices. Suzy waits for an answer, crushing the ice cubes in her orange juice almost absentmindedly.

 

How long has this been going on for? Min asks, knife in a casual grip. For a moment Suzy almost expects her to hurl it at somebody, because Min is a badass that answers to nobody. But it’s a funny thought, so she only replies that she doesn’t know.

 

Min almost smiles sadly. Suzy looks back at her glass of orange juice and finds that her ice cubes are gone.

 

 

 

 

 

Myungsoo wakes up like it is any other morning. This time Suzy is no longer asleep on his left arm, and it is only a tingling sensation that stays with him instead. He stays and watches their ceiling fan oscillate for a while more, before he sits up and sees Suzy standing at the door. He doesn’t miss the packed bag at her feet, lying docilely on its side. She smiles, almost, because it doesn’t look like one. I baked.

 

 

 

 

 

Sungyeol is right. I cannot live without her. When the whiskey washes down his throat he can barely taste anything but the ice cubes.

 

 

 

 

 

When he sits down at the dining table, Suzy goes to get the cupcakes. This is a routine, almost, something that she has done so many times it is etched into a habit, but today, this morning like any other morning, her hands (and heart) sink. Myungsoo is staring at their door when she returns with a plate full. Her bag is still there. A bird chirps somewhere. Their place faces a garden, and they used to bird watch and have Sunday dinner on their balcony together. Now it is full of empty pots that used to house lavender and lemon grass.

 

Suzy feels like one of those pots today.

 

 

 

 

 

Myungsoo feels like if he stares at the bag hard enough it will unpack itself. Neatly, with all her clothes in the right compartments. Her perfume on the study table they converted into her dresser together, in front of the mirror he installed for her. Her toothbrush beside his. He cannot imagine them being anywhere else but here. He cannot imagine her being anywhere but here.

 

Suzy sits down beside him silently. He takes a cupcake and peels the wrapper away. This time he looks at her.

 

 

 

 

 

Leaving will be hard. Min says that like it is easy. Suzy picks up the wrappers and puts them on the plate. She stands up (but it is so, so hard to do) and wants to walk away. But Myungsoo catches her before she does.

 

 

It is like an inborn instinct. He takes her hand and tries to stand but his legs are so weak they give way below him. Myungsoo can hear the plate clatter on their floor but so what? He can feel her breathe in the crook of his neck and her hands on his chest. One, two, he counts her breathing just to make sure that she is still here. They don’t say anything. Outside that bird chirps again.

 

 

Suzy finds that they end up in the exact same position as they were before waking up on this day that is like any other. Myungsoo’s eyes are closed as they lie on the cold floor, he is in his pajamas and she in a shirt and jeans but how does that matter? She can feel his breathing again but this time it is no longer cold. She suddenly remembers that one time when they had moved in for barely three months and then they would eat on the floor because they had no dining table yet, and he would always kiss her after the meal and say that’s how sharing is done. It was silly and immature all at the same time but Suzy thinks, Suzy thinks that is what time they have missed. The time that has passed in between—how are they going to make up for all of it? Myungsoo’s arms tighten around her and she wants to hug him back, she really wants to but—

 

One more time, he says, the words hanging in the space between their noses. His eyes still are closed (I like your eyes the most, Suzy remembers telling him ten days into their relationship. He had closed them then in mock defiance but what about now?).

 

Suzy sighs, almost inaudible. Their legs are entangled in a hug, like they will never be separated again. The floor is cold against her cheek but Myungsoo is radiating heat. She can feel him shiver. Then his eyes open and she sees herself in them, upside down. His fingers curl around hers. Please. She breathes out. Myungsoo’s lips hover over hers. She can feel, taste almost, as he says it again. Please.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Myungsoo kisses her and this time she is the one who closes her eyes.