this is crap~ /hide in my corner/

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Aftermath.

Today already a month since Daehyun’s death and also already a month for my lonely heart. I really missed him so much.

Why I still can’t accept all that happened?

“Youngjae?..” I turned around to the voice and smiled at the person behind me. “Annyeong, noona.” –I greeted politely.

“What are you doing here?..” –asked her curiously. “I’m visiting Daehyun.” –I stared at the dirty floor as if it’s interesting thing right now.

“Youngjae.” I looked at her. “Stop doing this. Daehyun will be sad.” She looked sad and worried at me.

Daehyun will be sad?

I looked down sadly. “I’m sorry.” I mumbled quietly. “No need to be sorry for that.” She pulled me into her embrace lovingly. “..and noona came here for give this to you. Sorry if noona is late.” She passed me a letter.

“Daehyun asked noona to give this letter to you after he died. Noona too busy after that day, that’s why noona can’t give this to you.” I hold the letter tightly.

Daehyun give this for me?

I looked at the letter on my hand. “Thanks, noona.” I smiled towards her again. “It’s okay, Jae. Noona is going first, okay.” She smiled warmly before heading away from my place right now.

Dae..

I stared at the letter once again before slowly opened the letter.

Dear Jae,

When you read this letter I must be in heaven /maybe/, watching at you from here. You must be thinking right now about why I wrote you this letter. Right? I love your face when you’re thinking. You looked so cute and adorable. ( ^ - ^ )v

How are you right now, Jae? You won’t be sad and cry right now.. right? I don’t want you to be sad because of me. I don’t want to see you crying because of me and I hate your tears. I hate that so much. It’s hurt me.. my heart crying when you cry. ( T ~ T )

Jae..

I’m sick, you know that right. I don’t want to tell you that at first because I don’t want you to be sad and cry if you know. But I can’t keep it as a secret for too long. You need to know it. But there’s something more important that I need to tell you. Something that I keep as a secret for almost two years. I don’t know how to tell you because we never talked before and I don’t know what will you think about me if you know that….

I love you.

I love you. I’m in love with you, Yoo Youngjae.

You shocked right?

I’m sorry if my statement make you shock. It’s true that I love you and I’m sorry because I didn’t tell you before.  I really want to tell you before but that day is the day I knew about my illness.

After that day, I don’t know what to do about my feeling anymore. I’m sick and I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. But one day, I felt so lonely and I need you so badly. That day I started to make a wish at the rooftop about you. I didn’t miss even one night until I met you at the hospital that morning. You know what I felt that day? I was so happy because I found you and I’m glad that I can die peacefully after that.

Everyday is painful for me. My cancer already at the last stage and I know that. I know but I don’t want you to be sad because of me. Even I’m in pain, I’ll still smile in front of you because I don’t want you to be sad. I don’t want to see your sad face. I can bear any kind of pain even it kill me but I can’t bear to see you cry in front of me. My heart is in pain when you sad. When you cried, I can feel my heart break into pieces.

Jae-ah,

Don’t be sad anymore please. I know that you’re a strong guy and you won’t be sad anymore but I scared. I’m scared that right now or after this, you’ll cry again...and that’s because of me. Promise me that you won’t cry anymore...like before. If you love me back, promise me that you’ll find another love. I know that you won’t forget me but you need someone who’s real. Someone who deserve you more than me. Someone that love you (even though I know that no one can love you better than me). I hope you will always smile. You look so adorable when you smile and your smile can make my heart smile.

I love you my angel.

From your star,

Jung Daehyun.

I stared at the letter blankly as my tears fell without warning. “Dae…” I sobbed quietly. “I love you too. I wanted to tell you about this before but you didn’t give me a chance to tell you.” I fell down to the floor while crying loudly. “Why? Why you didn’t tell me before? Why, Dae?..”

I love you.

I love you.

“I love you too..” My mouth keep repeating the same words. I looked at the envelope and I noticed something inside it and I took it out and recognize it as a picture. There’s a picture inside.

“Daehyun..” That was his picture while smiling happily. There’s something at the behind of the picture. Words.

Can you keep this with you? I wanted you remember my face. And one more important thing.. Can you smile for me, Youngjae?

I will.

I smiled slightly while looking at Daehyun’s smile face.

I won’t be sad anymore.

I won’t forget you either.

I immediately wipe my tears and looked at the sky. “You are watching me right now, Dae?..” I smiled widely. “I promise that I won’t cry anymore. I will smile like this..” I showed the picture to the sky. “I will continue my life and find my love