>> Infinity's Illusion <<

 

 

Humans were foolish creatures. They didn’t understand how to treasure something until they lost it and by that time it was too late.

Luhan watched silently from the shadows of the cliffs besides the golden tinged beach as people bustled about their business. His eyes were on one person in particular. A surfer. Beach hair, toned body, tan, ocean blue eyes that no longer sparked. He had been watching the man for the past month. Such a pitiful existence.

Star surfer, popular at school, loved by his parents, scouted by the Ivy League colleges, committing suicide.

Luhan watched as the surfer, usually so close with the waves and water, waded into the deeps. Step by step he came closer to his ultimate death. Luhan did not know the man personally, did not necessary have a reason to hate the golden sunshine of the beach town, but regardless, he found himself cheering, celebrating, the coming of the man’s death.

He was jealous.

And he succumbed to that jealousy.

It infuriated Luhan when the surfer failed to take advantage of the one thing that he had that Luhan lacked. His jealousy became anger and his anger became a lust for dark vengeance. Perhaps he did have a personal stake in the surfer’s death after all.

Hurry up, he commanded in his head. Automatically the surfer moved faster into the depths of the ocean blue. Die in the very element you strive in. Water arose over the head of the man. Luhan smirked as he saw the body of the man struggling, trying to fight the heart that called for death.

Stop struggling.

The man stopped struggling.

Luhan could smell death in the air. The surfer ceased to breathe. A few days later his body would wash up on shore. A funeral would be held. His family would suffer. Prayers would be said over his coffin, the priest presiding over the ceremony would bless his soul and tell the grieving that he was finally at peace in heaven. Luhan would laugh.

The surfer would not be in heaven. He would be in hell.

Luhan stepped out from under the hanging cliffs he had been observing from. A pair of pitch black wings unfurled themselves from his back, spreading wide like the wings of large hawks. They casted out a long shade of shadowed air, covering the light from hitting Luhan as he stretched, relishing for a moment longer in the revenge he had just taken.

“You deserved it,” he whispered to the waves. “You had the only thing I did not, yet you wasted it. Letting you drown is an act of kindness on my part.”

Luhan flapped his wings, large and strong they were, propelling himself into the chill, morning air. They were not taking him to heaven though. He wasn’t of that place. His was of the darker realm. The demonic hell.

Ironically, hell was not down below like the humans so foolishly assumed, it was right next to the very place they stared up at and deemed heaven. Foolish. Hell and heaven were never separated by much. The boundary was never clear. Even Luhan had trouble telling sometimes, perhaps that was the ultimate cause of his fatal misery – the inability to differentiate between hell and heaven.

As Luhan flew, rushing through the wind to the high skies of above, he gave a final glance to the rushing waves of the sea.

You had the one thing I do not. Time. But no longer. Now, you don’t have time either.

Luhan laughed, a cold, empty, hallowed laugh. He felt no joy. Even if the surfer died, even if he had taken a form of vengeance, it did nothing of lasting importance at the end of the day. In the end, Luhan still did not possess the one thing he needed more than anything else.

The surfer had all the time in the world to love the one girl fated to be his. He had chosen not to. When the girl died from fatalistic disease, he finally realized what he had lost. Luhan…Luhan did not even have the chance to experience that regret. He did not have time in the first place.

There was nothing he would not give for a few more seconds.

A few more seconds…but even that was too much. Even that was impossible.

Darkness surrounded him as he broke through the clouds.

This, was hell.

 

♥

 

Yixing placed his fingers on the harp strings. His heart thumped wildly within his ribcage. A feeling of foreboding surrounded him. The necklace he was fated to wear for as long as his time did not cease burned against his skin.

His fingers graced the soft strings of the harp with carelessness. His heart was distracted. You could not play the harp with a distracted heart. It wasn’t possible.

“Yixing? Are you alright? You seem really out of it today…”

Yixing nodded, barely acknowledging the man that sat beside him.

“Please tell me if there’s something wrong. It hurts me to see you suffer.”

Yixing ignored the man. He didn’t want to talk about it. The reason for his sadness, his weakness, his distracted heart was also the reason for his isolation. It was taboo. Yixing avoided talking about the problem as much as he could. No…he was not embarrassed by it, nor was he doubtful about the rightness of his choices, rather, he just wanted to belong.

But that was impossible.

By now, the only one who still looked at him with eyes that did not judge was Chanyeol. He didn’t want to lose Chanyeol as well.

“It’s him isn’t it?”

Yixing didn’t answer but the necklace burned hotter around his neck.

Chanyeol grabbed his chin and forced him to turn his head. Yixing turned, faced Chanyeol but refused to look up. He focused his eyes on the ground. Ashamed. He felt ashamed. Yixing didn’t want to admit it, but regardless of everything else, he could not help but feel ashamed of himself.

At first it was alright, Yixing didn’t mind the judgmental stares the others would throw at him. But it got worse. Being out casted by your family, your friends, and your entire society was harsh. Eye-opening.

Chanyeol’s voice became softer as he noted the wear in Yixing’s downward gaze, “You don’t have to continue torturing yourself. You could turn back…you could be accepted again. Why are you so stubborn?” Chanyeol’s hand wrapped around the necklace that dangled from Yixing’s neck.

Yixing wanted to shrink back but Chanyeol’s grasp on him kept him from moving.

“You could end everything. All you have to do is break this.”

But Yixing couldn’t.

“If you aren’t brave enough to do it yourself, I can break it for you.”

Yixing automatically slapped Chanyeol’s hand away. His eyes met the orbs of his last friend. Fear was present in Yixing’s gaze as he regarded the man who had just threatened to destroy the necklace.

“No,” Yixing stated simply.

“Yixing…you’re only hurting yourself.”

“Leave me alone Chanyeol, I need him. I can’t live without him…please Chanyeol…please go.”

Chanyeol sighed as he turned. “I guess you don’t need anyone besides him after all. I should have gotten the hint earlier.” The man’s voice was tinged with pain.

Yixing watched as Chanyeol’s figure retreated, his heart stinging with sharp regret as the retreating angel’s body disappeared into the horizon line. He had just lost his last friend.

“I’m sorry Chanyeol…I’m a bad friend,” Yixing whispered softly to the empty air. His fingers made their way to the necklace that had started the dispute. “I just…he’s really important.”

It was true. Yixing was scared of being alone, scared of being looked down upon, scared of being an outcast. But he was more scared, he was deadly terrified of losing the man who was the cause of all his pain. If he had to choose, if fate gave him no other option, Yixing would choose him over all else without even the slightest hesitation.

He glanced down at the necklace. The gold, glass hourglass that hung around it was frozen in time. The sand was still in the structure, majestic in its shades. Bright like the sun itself. Time would not start yet, sand would not fall yet.

Only when he was here would things start.

Luhan, when are you coming?

Yixing felt as though he was being swallowed by the emptiness around him and suffocated by the hollowness inside him. Without Luhan, part of him was missing completely.

Luhan was late today.

 

♥

 

“So soon, Luhan?” Jongin laughed as he watched Luhan scramble hurriedly around after returning from his mission. “Off to see that angel of yours again?”

“Shut up Jongin! It’s none of your business.”

Jongin laughed, sitting on top the cloud as he watched Luhan observe his reflection out of the stream that ran through hell. Luhan ignored the man. His hair was deformed today, perhaps due to the beach air. He tried to pat it down but it stuck up regardless.

He had to hurry. There was no time.

“I don’t get why you bother, Luhan. Why lose yourself to him when you cannot even be with him in any meaningful sense? After all, what can you do in five minutes?”

Luhan often asked himself the same thing.

There wasn’t much you could do in five minutes. And the things that you could do…half the time they were not desirable. Luhan knew, for example, that your heart could break in five minutes. It could break more than once.

Regardless, though, Luhan crossed the border between heaven and hell, once a week, every week. Five minutes. That was the amount of time he could stay in the other realm. Three hundred seconds.

Luhan glanced up at the sky. The sun was rising and hitting the middle of the blue. He was running late. The demon gave a quick few pats to his hair, no longer bothering to make sure it looked perfect. It wouldn’t matter in the long run, he couldn’t keep his angel waiting. Luhan knew the pains associated with waiting, never knowing if the person you waited for would eventually show up.

He didn’t want to be the reason for the pain of his lover. It was too bad he already was…if anything, Luhan wanted to lessen the pain he was responsible for. But he wondered if even that was possible. Their love in itself was pain.

“I’m leaving Jongin.”

Luhan willed his wings to set him into high air. As he flew due east towards the boundary between heaven and hell, Jongin’s response echoed from behind him.

“Why do you even bother bidding me farewell when you’ll return in five minutes?”

His words burned Luhan's soul. Why didn’t Jongin understand how much it hurt?

 

♥

 

He’s still not here.

Not here.

Never here.

Yixing sat frozen on the ground, unmoving, statue like in his lack of motion. A thousand thoughts ran through his mind. His eyes were unblinking. He scarcely breathed. What if Luhan gave up?

Yixing had never considered that before. What would he do if Luhan gave up on them? He would truly be alone then…but that was the lesser problem. How would he learn to live again? How would he breathe when every breath he took would only remind him of Luhan, how would he open his eyes when everything he saw led back to Luhan?

It was a dangerous obsession or an unrealistic dream.

Angels were warned from the moment they were created to stay away from the perils of love. It was odd, when Yixing was first told that. He had always assumed that angels were supposed to love, were supposed to be the purest of heart, have the most innocent of loves. But he understood now.

The only reason angels were not corrupt and dark like the humans were, was because they distanced themselves from love and passion. Dangerous things. Love corrupted too easily, passion tarnished readily into violence and pain. The wise did not love.

Yixing was not wise though and now he suffered because of it.

Still not here.

A million different reason were crafted within Yixing’s brain to explain Luhan’s absence. But all of them were shadowed by the only one Yixing repeated over and over again. Luhan decided they weren’t worth it.

Yixing bit his lip and clenched his fists, trying to distract himself from the abuse his heart was going through. Luhan would show up, Yixing tried desperately to convince himself. But he did not believe in his own words. Already he was ready for departure from a dream he was not supposed to dream.

Suddenly a whoosh of air surrounded him. Yixing saw the wings. Those beautiful, black wings. Those wings, dark in their nature, brightened Yixing’s world. Feathered, strong, majestic, not unlike his own pair of white wings; but different, different because they belonged to Luhan, the owner of his soul.

Automatically, Yixing rose and rushed to the man, half flying and half running. The angel threw his arms around the other, burying his face in the softness of Luhan’s wings. He missed this spot.

Yixing’s heart felt a little warmer. He wasn’t so alone anymore.

The sand in the hourglass started to fall.

“I was worried you idiot. Don’t do that again.”

The angel broke out in a tiny smile as he heard the demon’s response.

“Never, I love you too much to worry you.”

It was nice to be loved, even if for only such a short time. Even if the light would shine for only a slight fraction in the otherwise dark, perhaps it was worth it. At least, in this moment, Yixing could convince himself that Luhan was worth all the pain and darkness he had to pay in exchange.

“How much is too much?” Yixing asked.

“The amount you love me, plus a bit more.”

Yixing laughed as he snuggled further into Luhan’s back. That was impossible. He loved Luhan too much for Luhan to love any more than that.

“I love hearing your laugh Yixing, laugh more. Laugh forever and then a day longer.”

Yixing stopped laughing. Even if he laughed forever, Luhan would not be around to here even a fraction of that forever. He decided then that he would only laugh when Luhan was around. That way each of his laughs would be linked with the man he currently hugged.

Luhan was his joy. What was laughter without joy?

Sand continued to fall.

 

♥

 

Luhan was counting. They had three minutes left.

Three minutes wasn’t enough.

He turned around and grabbed Yixing’s chin, tilting it upwards. Automatically Luhan placed his lips on the other’s. The kiss was brief, lasting but a bit more than a few seconds. He had no choice. They didn’t have the freedom to relish in their moments. Nonetheless, the kiss was sweet. His angel was always sweet.

“I’m sorry I was late today, I…I went a little overboard in a mission.”

Luhan did not miss the look of regret that ran through Yixing’s eyes before quickly fading. He mentally slapped himself. He should not have mentioned his missions. So caught up in the love they shared, Luhan had almost forgotten the chasm between them that threatened to swallow them whole, and spit out nothing but bones.

Yixing was an angel. Luhan was nothing but demonic.

His role in this world was to kill. Yixing’s was to heal. Their opposite goals were a sensitive area, never to be discussed openly. Love could cross many barriers, but this one was unconquerable even by love.

Luhan didn’t have a choice but to kill. Yixing didn’t have a choice but to save those Luhan wanted to kill.

The inhabitants of heaven and hell shared a lifespan of eighty years. But that span depended on the upholding of duty. It was kill or die, heal or fade. They had no choice. Then again, there were many things they did not have choices on.

 “Let’s talk about something else, Luhan,” Yixing said, his eyes downcast.

Luhan placed his palm on Yixing’s cheek and then brought his lips to the angel’s forehead, placing a flutter kiss on the spot. It was light, like the fragile wings of white butterflies.

“We don't have much longer.” One minute.

“Can I play a song for you?” Yixing asked, pointing to the harp that lay near them, fallen to the ground from neglect.

Luhan loved hearing Yixing play. It was in fact the angel’s music that had first attracted him at the border between the realms. It was the melodious, heartbreaking tunes of tune and soul that had caused him to take the first step towards their ultimate doom.

But a minute was not enough.

A minute would never be enough.

Thirty seconds.

In this race against time, love would always be the loser.

“We can’t Yixing, it’s too late. I have to leave before any more sand falls from that cursed necklace.” His fingers glossed over the hanging gold rimmed hourglass. The trinket was cold to the touch, reflecting the temperature of his frozen heart.

One million grains of golden sand. It would last them a lifetime – till they were at least eighty years of age. But at a cost. Five minutes per week. That was it. Anymore and they would eventually have to separate forever.

Once the sand was gone, Luhan would no longer be able to return. Once the last grain of sand dispersed into nothing, his body would disintegrate into ashes at first step into the angelic realm. That would be the end of them.

“Just one more minute,” Yixing begged. His hand found Luhan’s wrist, clasped it, and tried to keep Luhan rooted. But the angel knew that they had no choice and after a slight moment of hesitation, released his hand. A minute more today meant a minute less in the future.

“I’ll see you in a week, my angel.”

His dark wings propelled, sending him out of the realm he did not belong in. as he flew, Luhan thought he could hear the sound of a heart breaking. No, two hearts breaking.

 

♥

 

Yixing found himself lingering on the border between his world and Luhan’s. It had been six days since their last reunion. Six days was too much to bear when each meeting was only five minutes. Everywhere he looked, he thought he could see fragments of Luhan’s presence, but when he looked closer, the fragments would shatter further and Yixing would realize that they were nothing but manifestations of the desire in his inner heart.

He wasn’t sure if this desperate sense of longing was worth the slight, briefest moments of happiness that their painful love rewarded. Wouldn’t he be happier if they had never happened? Yixing, without Luhan, would be accepted, would be loved, would be joyous. His heart would not pain as it did now.

The angel sat down on the patch of grass that marked the boundary between the two realms. It was odd how the most beautiful place in the heavens happened to be the region closest to the darkness of hell’s entrance. Here, soft breeze kissed the light dawn air and flowers marked with dew grew amongst the soft greenery. The smell of wildflowers and stream water hung in the mystic air. Yixing never did understand why they made the border so beautiful if preventing intermixing was one of the High Lord’s only goals.

How could he not be drawn to the closest place between heaven and hell given its easy landscape?

Yixing plucked one of the carnations from the field next to him and brought it to his nose. He spun the fragile thing around a few times, inhaling its scent. Such a pretty smell. Sweet, hopeful, the scent of permanent spring.

They had met in spring. Here. In the embrace of beauty and spring’s breeze of that forsaken year, they had sealed their fate.

 

Yixing smiled as he strummed his harp to the tune that the birds above him were singing to. It was a new year, a new beginning and the birds knew it well. Their bright, vibrant yellow coats lit the grassy greens like rays of falling sunshine.

Soft, cream colored butterflies danced around the newly blossomed wildflowers. Innocent, dreamlike. Yixing played of them as well. Spring was a pretty song to play. It made Yixing feel alive and free, reborn after the harsh months of winter.

Of course, winter did not exist in the realm of heaven, but it was the feeling that mattered. Winter was frozen and sealed with the dripping of tears, spring was the melting of that.

“You play well.”

The angel froze. No one had been in the valley a moment ago and it was an unfamiliar voice.

“Why did you stop?”

Slowly, Yixing turned his head.

A small gasp left his mouth.

He gasped not because of the honey locks that framed the face of the man standing behind him softly, not because of the pale blue eyes that sparked in perfect crystallization, not because of the light smile on the face of the man, teasing. He gasped because of the dark, black wings that spread around the man, wrapping him in a coat of unbreakable sin and horror.

A demon.

Yixing rose defensively, holding out his harp in front of him like a shield.

“You aren’t supposed to be here. This is our side of the border.”

The demon shrugged, his eyes focused on Yixing’s expression. “It happens, it’s not like there’s anyone guarding the border anyways. We come and we go, when we have a reason to at least.”

“And what is your reason?” Yixing demanded.

The dark one came closer and Yixing took a hesitant step back, half worried that the man would attack him. Angels and demons were competitors, moral enemies. Killings occurred often between the two. Even angels, usually pacifists and kind, killed when it came to the crafters of the sin present in the world.

“Don’t worry…” came the voice of the man, surprisingly melodic and softer than Yixing had expected. “I just want to hear you play.”

 

He lay down, allowing his eyes to focus on the high sky above him. Then he closed his eyes, letting himself sink in the flood of aromatic wildflowers that now surrounded him. Their fragrance was intoxicating.

Perhaps that was why they had strayed.

 

♥

 

“You’re always so depressed. All because of him.”

Luhan ignored Kai’s ranting and continued to stare aimlessly into the dark horizon line. He was begging for the new day to arrive sooner. Tomorrow would mark a week. He would be able to see Yixing again. Six days had strained him.

“You didn’t used to be like this, you know?”

Luhan couldn’t remember what he used to be like. There was no before when it came to Yixing because Yixing was his start. What was his life before if he had nothing to live for then? Yixing had given him a reason to believe.

“What did I used to be like, Kai?” Luhan waited for Kai to tell him that he used to be more demonic.

“You used to be happy.”

Luhan’s eyes opened slightly, wide in shock. He was still happy…he was definitely more happy than he was before. He and Yixing loved each other, what else did they need to be joyous? Kai wasn’t making anything sense. Of course he was happy.

“I still am.” It was more of a desperate attempt to convince himself than an attempt to convince Kai. Luhan found himself doubting himself. His heart hurt more often nowadays. It bothered him, nagged at him with fiery of poison whenever he thought of his angel.

“You don’t smile as much now.”

When had he stopped smiling?

 

“I like your smile Luhan, never stop smiling.”

Luhan smirked, his eyes glinting mischievously as he acknowledged his angel’s words. “What do I get in return?” The demon prompted.

Yixing shrugged, watching Luhan curiously. “What do you want?”

Luhan knew exactly what he wanted.

He leaned in until their faces were inches apart. There was only one thing he wanted. For three months a single thing had dominated his mind and that was Yixing. His angelic damnation.

When did he fall for the angel?

Perhaps it was the first time he heard that passionate melody from the fingers of the man, or perhaps it was later after days and days of constant interaction. It was a habit now. Yixing was entrenched deeply in Luhan’s daily routine. He had a reason now, a reason to consistently cross the barrier between his realm and Yixing’s, if only to see the one thing in the world that made him care.

“I want you,” Luhan whispered.

Then the distance closed and his lips set on Yixing’s.

He placed his hands on either side of Yixing’s face and pulled him in closer. The angel struggled for a second and then relaxed. A light settled between them, bright and iridescent. It was an odd feeling. Luhan had never felt so alive.

Was this love?

If it were, he would be more than willing to give his all for it. In a life that was dark and soulless, the slightest light was heartbreakingly beautiful.

He had not meant to seep himself into the world that was not his to possess. He had not meant to fall for the man in front of him. But past all else, love was not something you could prevent, it was also not something you meant. It was something that came when you least expected it, in the most inconvenient of scenarios. Even so, Luhan could tell, that both of them were blessed by the breath of life in love.

Luhan pulled back and stared for a long time into the auburn eyes of Yixing. They were caught in the same breath of time, frozen into a single entity. Time stopped as all solidified around them.

“That wasn’t supposed to happen,” Yixing whispered as he brought a finger to his lips, tracing the place that Luhan had kissed.

Luhan drew the angel’s finger away and replaced it with his own. Yixing’s lips were so soft.

“No, it wasn’t, but it did and I don’t regret it.”

There was a slight glean of worry in Yixing’s eyes. His voice was timid and laced with concern, “If they catch us…if…”

“Then they catch us. So be it.”

Luhan could care less, because in this moment, he felt joy that he had never felt before. If this was love, then all else could go to hell.

 

When had love stopped making his smile?

No…he still smiled, just rarely. But it seemed as though his smiles were getting rarer and rarer with each passing day. Even when he saw Yixing, now, he could not find the strength to smile. Seeing Yixing only reminded him of the pained future painted for them and their inevitable breaking. They were not meant to be.

“What makes you happy?” Luhan asked Kai.

Kai, too, turned his eyes to the horizon line. “I don’t know Luhan, but I know I throw away the things that make me pain. Perhaps you should do the same.”

“But what if the thing that brings me pain is also my only happiness?”

“The pain isn't worth it.”

Luhan considered his words and found himself wavering. Was it worth it? He wasn’t sure.

 

♥

 

“My lord,” Yixing whispered as he kneeled down in front of the High Lord’s throne. He had been summoned to Sky’s Palace a few hours ago on the basis that the Lord had business with him.

“You have come,” the High Lord responded.

The Lord was dressed in white armor, holding onto a long saber as he sat in the throne. He was the guardian of right, of light, of justice, of purity. The knightly lord was the symbolic representation of brilliance and law and all the forces encompassed by it. His hand ruled the heavens and then the world below it as well. It was him that was the force behind all. Even fate.

“Yes, I have.”

“I have something for you, Yixing.”

Yixing remembered the last time the Lord had said that. Chills ran through his body as the sullen memory invaded his brain once again.

 

“I have something for you, Yixing.”

Yixing glanced up at his lord wearily.

The white knight clapped his hands. Automatically the side gate of the throne room opened and two angelic guardians flew in. They held between them a body.

His heart stopped.

Dark wings.

“You know him, don’t you?”

The body was thrown down to the ground next to Yixing. Automatically, Yixing’s hands went to the man. He checked for a pulse. Good, the man was still breathing.

“Don’t worry, Yixing, he’s not dead. I wouldn’t want to kill him yet, that’d be pointless.”

Yixing brought the body into his arms, embracing the fallen demon tightly. He had always known their end would come to this, but why? Why so soon? Why did Luhan have to get hurt in the process?

He bit down on his bottom lip, trying not to cry. They should never have happened. If they didn’t break the rules of heaven, Luhan wouldn’t have gotten hurt.

“Go on Yixing, heal him, aren’t you our most talented healer?” There was mock in the voice of his lord.

Yixing whispered a soft chain of spells under his breath. A light spread from his body, radiating into the space around him and seeping into the skin of Luhan who still lay tight in his embrace. Energy surrounded them.

“The fact that you chose to cast that particular spell tells me more than enough. The Song of Saffrin. For him you are willing to give your own life?”

The light stopped flowing and Yixing collapsed slightly on the floor, his life force cut by more than half. The Song of Saffrin was the strongest healing spell but it was also one never used. The price of casting it was too great. Half of the healer’s life force, a quarter of their blood, an eighth of their magic, a sixteenth of their soul. It could only be cast once in a lifetime. More than once and the healer would die.

Luhan stirred.

Yixing let out a soft smile. Everything was alright as long as Luhan was fine.

The High Lord rose from his gold rimmed throne and descended down the steps of his altar. Step by step he came closer and Yixing’s heart rate accelerated in speed.

Luhan’s eyes opened.

Yixing wished they had stayed closed.

The High Lord laughed as he drew Luhan’s now awake body up, grasping the demon by the neck. Luhan struggled slightly, his legs kicking in the air. But he was powerless against the highest force in the skies and even more so given his drained state of existence.

Yixing stayed silent but his heart was screaming and tearing at the seams. He could feel it bleeding, dripping as it was torn until it became raw and broken. But even so, he forced himself to say nothing as he watched his lover hang on the line between life and death. There was nothing he could do. He had no power, no choice but to obey the orders of his lord.

“Look at me, Yixing.”

Yixing rose his eyes and forced himself to lock with the golden orbs of the High Lord. They were cold and merciless.

“Your heart is hurting now, bleeding. For what reason? No, not because you associated yourself with this demon. That is not the most important rule you broke.” He paused for a second, throwing Yixing a look of pity, “You fell in love. What a human emotion, what a flaw in our hearts. Love is akin to sin, Yixing.”

Yixing used to think the same thing and then he fell, and when he did, he realized that there was not a feeling more beautiful in the world.

“You still do not understand why love is forbidden, do you?”

He did not, but Yixing did not say anything, worried that he would upset his lord further.

A chill laugh filled the room, but not the laugh of the Lord. Luhan was laughing. His eyes bore into the Lord with determination and burning hatred. Yixing begged in his heart for Luhan to stop, but the demon did not.

“You are ridiculous! A heart like yours I have never seen, not down below, not in hell. A heart like yours is unfit to rule the heavens. Without love, what remains?”

The Lord regarded Luhan curiously for a moment’s time before turning back to Yixing.

“You were always one of my favorite angels, so I want to give you a choice. You can choose to turn back now, to throw away the sinful love you have picked up, and I will destroy him for you. I will rip apart his wings and throw him to the land below. You could start over and you will remain my beloved healer.”

No.

Luhan’s head turned towards Yixing. His eyes were soft as he regarded the angel who lay still partially collapsed on the palace marble.

“It’s alright, Yixing. Go ahead. Start over. We were never meant to be in the first place anyways.”

“No.”

He could not. He could never. The image of Luhan’s wings ripped from his body, his back dripping with forsaken blood, his body shattered when it made contact with the earth…no…that could not become reality.

The High Lord released Luhan’s body and the man fell to the ground. He then approached Yixing and drew an object from within his pocket. The Lord held it out to Yixing, letting it dangle in front of of the angel's eyes.

It was a necklace. A small glass hourglass hung on the silver chain, sparking in the light of the throne room.

“I suppose you will choose the second option then.” The Lord leaned down and clasped the necklace onto Yixing’s neck. The glass burned icily on his skin. Accursed.

“One million grains of sand resides within the glass. One million seconds of hope. Perhaps after one million you’ll recognize the foolishness of your decision.”

The Lord gave him one last glance before turning around and ascending back onto his throne. He sat and then regarded the pair coldly. But for a slight second, Yixing thought there might have been sympathy in his eyes.

“One million seconds can last you the rest of this life if you meet him for only five minutes each week. Once he enters our realm the sand will fall, stopping only after he has left. Once all the sand in this hourglass falls…he will be unable to ever enter the heavens again.”

A lifetime in fives…Yixing decided it was better than nothing at all.

“Thank you, my lord.”

 

Yixing shivered, a dark fear dispersing within him, conquering his entirety. The Lord, what did he want this time? Why could he not leave them alone? Only a year…it had only been a year, they were promised sixty.

“Yixing, I wonder, how do you feel now?”

Yixing was shocked by the question. He had not expected his lord to care. Perhaps the Lord wanted only to see his dismal and pain at his current faith, but perhaps there was concern in his voice.

“I’m not sure.”

“Is the pain worth it?”

“Yes…” His response was not even convincing to his own ears. He found his resolve shattering day by day. The memories and the feelings were still real and still as beautiful as they always were, but gradually the pain built up. The isolation, the separation, the loneness started to drown out the fragments of light that loving Luhan brought.

“Is it still worth it if your love hurts him just as much as it does you?”

Yixing’s heart hurt slightly. He had noticed. Lately, Luhan had stopped smiling as frequently. His eyes were always darkened and sorrowful, shining with dull misery. Even when they were together now, the air was filled more with dread than anything else.

“Love is a painful thing, Yixing, and it’s hurting him just as much, perhaps even more. It isn’t worth it. If you truly love him, you would let go. He has a life outside of you, a role to play, and you, you also have a duty. Even love between two of the same realm is painful, not to mention you two are from opposite ends of a long spectrum.”

Yixing often found those same thoughts crossing his mind. They became more dominating with each passing day. When it was especially lonely in the deep of night or the dawn of morning, he found himself wondering if it would have been better if they never met.

“It’s too late,” Yixing replied. Even if he regretted their love now, even if it did rip him into shreds of remains, it didn’t matter. He had already tasted the sweet of it. The poison had already sunk deep into his veins. Luhan was too important. Even if the pain of being with him was strong, the pain of losing him would be greater. Yixing could no longer envision what life without Luhan was.

The High Lord shook his head. “It’s not too late, Yixing. You still have a choice.”

He drew two objects from his pocket and held them out to Yixing. “You and him have tasted the bitterness of love for now a year. If not for yourself, at least think of him. You love him don’t you?”

“I do,” Yixing responded hesitantly, his eyes focused on the two objects in the hand of the High Lord.

“Then this is your chance to make things right.”

His chance.

 

♥

 

Luhan’s heart quickened slightly as he crossed over the boundary between heaven and hell. It was a boundary marked by nothing but the spread of perfection. This border became a constant reminder of him and his angel. A reminder of their first days.

“Luhan, you came.”

The demon’s eyes automatically settled onto the angel that sat in the field waiting for him. It was odd, usually they did not meet so close to the border. It was too sensitive. Too daunting. The boundary between their respective worlds was a constant warning and mark of their mistaken love.

“I wanted to meet here today…in the first place we met.”

Luhan nodded, though slightly unnerved by the cryptic vibe he received from the angel. Yixing sounded extremely weary today, as though he had drained himself of the last piece of hope within his soul. The angel’s voice was strained, breaking, torn.

“I…”

Luhan got the feeling that Yixing would shatter any second. His heart hurt. Was this what his love did to Yixing? This…this, all of this was his fault. If not for him, Yixing would not suffer to such an extent.

He approached the man and sat down beside him. Automatically he wrapped his arms around Yixing, letting the man rest his head on his own shoulder. Yixing melted into Luhan’s embrace.

“What’s wrong, my angel?”

“It’s just that whenever I come here, I remember our start and I only want to return to those days. But then I realize we cannot, because the bonds of time have already shattered us too much.”

Luhan felt Yixing trembling slightly in his arms. He wished he could tell his angel that they could still go back to those days, but he knew that that would be impossible. It was too late. Nothing was infinite. Love was the least infinite of all.

“It’s alright, Yixing, I get it.”

A soft sniffle left Yixing before he up righted himself and stared into Luhan’s eyes with his own tear stained ones. His voice was soft and fragmented, “Today…stay a bit longer.”

Luhan wondered what had brought on the sudden proposition, it was odd that Yixing would suggest that when they had long came to the agreement that in order to sustain their relationship for as long as possible, they would never allow themselves to delve in the company of each other for more than five minutes.

He nodded though, Yixing was probably just lonely.

The angel gave him a weak smile and Luhan’s heart swelled slightly. Seeing Yixing smile was akin to seeing the sun break out at dawn.

“Can I play for you?”

It was then that Luhan noticed the harp that was set a bit farther from them. That was odd too. A feeling of unease struck him. Things were odd today. It was as though Yixing was trying to relive the day they had first met.

Yixing brought his hand to the harp and plucked the first string, then the second.

Luhan had never heard the sound of heartbreak so clearly before. Each note clang with the clearness of shattering glass. Shattered. Fragmented. Was this the sound of their dream crumbling?

Luhan’s eyes stayed focused on Yixing the entire time. The melody that flowed into the air was soothing and exquisite but Luhan could not dwell on it. His mind could only repeat one thing over and over again…Yixing was crying.

“Xing?”

Yixing stopped playing.

“I’m alright, Luhan…I’m alright…I’m really alright.”

Luhan pulled Yixing away from the harp and into his arms. “You fool, you’re not alright. I can see you crying…don’t you know how much that hurts me?”

Yixing tried to push Luhan away, his response was tense, “That’s exactly why we shouldn’t be together, because I hurt you too much.”

The demon let out a cold, harsh, soulless laugh as he released Yixing. He took a few steps back, his dark eyes lit with something akin to insanity. Yixing? Hurt him? It was always the opposite way around.

“You’re wrong, Xing. If there is a reason we should not be together, it is because I hurt you too much, not the other way around.”

His eyes set on the necklace around the neck of his love. The sand in the hourglass continued to fall. It stopped for nothing. Second by second their time was disintegrating. How much longer would they have?

“Why can’t we just return to when everything was new and fresh? How come things aren’t the same…why is there only pain now?”

Each word stabbed into Luhan’s chest. Pain? Yes…that was the only thing left. After the sweet of love faded, torn down by the bonds of finite time, it left behind dark remains; the decaying body of a broken corpse.

“Xing?” He paused, choosing his next words carefully, “Do you think it would have been better if we never met in the first place?”

Yixing didn’t respond and the two stood distanced from each other in the greenery for a broken instant. Between them, the sand continued to fall. They were crumbling. Yixing did not need to answer, because Luhan already knew from the gaze present in the eyes of his angel.

“I think so, too. If we never met…we wouldn’t be so pained.” Luhan believed in his words, but even still, they hurt. As though a thousand arrows pierced his flesh, he burned, suffering under the implications of his own response. He spoke the truth evident in both of their souls and it was because it was the truth that Luhan hurt most.

If they had never met, Yixing wouldn’t be so broken.

“If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t have crossed that boundary. I wouldn’t have fallen for you.” Lies. Even if he had the chance, he still would have taken the same steps he did. Not meeting Yixing was worse than paining because of Yixing. But he lied, lied like the cunning humans of below, because he did not want to hurt his angel further. Their being together had already ruined his love, their being together in the future would only destroy him more. If Luhan could end it now, he could save Yixing the inevitable pain of the future…he could bear the pain if it meant Yixing would be able to smile again.

Yixing stared back at him, crystalized tears falling from his eyes. “Do you really mean that?”

It took everything Luhan had not to take Yixing back in his arms and tell him no, of course he didn’t mean that. He forced himself to stay still. If this small pain was necessary to avoid a lifetime of suffering, it was alright. Even if he was scarring Yixing’s heart with his words…

“Yes.”

Shattered hearts could never be put back together.

Time could never be turned back.

Sand was finite.

A single word and they could be ruined.

Luhan laughed bitterly to himself on the inside. Broken. He was so broken, but not as broken as them.

“I’m sorry our love has only brought you pain. Luhan…I loved you…but you are right, perhaps we should have chosen differently.”

Yixing’s eyes were red, stained from crying. Luhan wanted more than anything to wipe the angel's tears away, to hold him in his arms, to never let go; but he could not, because in the long run, that would only make them hurt more.

He watched Yixing reach into his pocket and pull out two glass vials. Clear liquid swished around in both of them, reflecting the light of the late day.

“We can start over.”

Yixing held out one of the bottles to Luhan. Luhan took it in his hand, noticing all the while the way Yixing was shaking.

The demon held the glass in his hand carefully, noting how the liquid temperature froze against his palm. It was dangerous. It was vile. He could tell that it would be the end of them. “What happens when I drink this?”

“We forget. Once it enters the blood, it spreads and destroys every memory of love and all that is associated with it.”

He was right…it would end them. That was a good thing though, now, they could forget each other. Now, Yixing didn’t have to pain any longer for him, someone not worthy of his love.

Luhan nodded. This was the best end. “It is convenient that we are at the border. We will drink this, both of us, and then go our opposite ways. Years ago, I made a mistake and crossed into land I should not have, fell in love with someone I should not have, now, we can fix our errors.” But Luhan knew within his heart, that Yixing was never a mistake.

Yixing nodded, his voice did not hold the same conviction though. “Finally, we can end our pain. Love never meant more than that.”

The two moved closer to the shimmering boundary between heaven and hell. Both of their fingers drifted to the cork of the vial. But both stopped before the vial could be uncapped and stared at the other.

They spoke in the same instant.

“Can we-?”

Luhan laughed and gestured to Yixing, his voice polite, “You first…though I suspect we have the same thing in mind.”

“Can we kiss a final-?”

Luhan drew Yixing closer before he could even finish the question. His lips automatically met the angel’s. This was the last time. His soul would ache forever at the loss of this. Luhan’s lips moved against the angel’s as they froze in the fragment of time that was perfection.

Luhan wrapped his arms around Yixing’s waist and drew the man in closer, trying to possess him. Never again would he be able to do this.

He closed his eyes, trying to memorize this feeling of bliss. It didn’t work. A moment so beautiful, could not be remembered, only felt.

In his moment of ecstasy and forgotten passion, he forced himself to push away. Luhan worried that if he held Yixing any longer, he wouldn’t have the courage to let go. But before he pulled away completely, he whispered softly into the ear of his angel, “I’ll always love you, Xing, always.”

Yixing drew his lips to Luhan’s cheek and barely grazed the skin. The touch was as light and fragile as the wings on glorious butterflies in the winter sky. Then he, too, whispered, “And I will too, even if tomorrow you should no longer remember us, my heart will always love you.”

Luhan nodded, that was enough.

In the same instant, both of them drew up the vial and uncorked it.

They drank.

Allowing himself a final glance at Yixing, Luhan stared for a long time, trying to etch the image of the male into his soul. This was it. They were over, broken by the wear of fate and reality. Then, he turned and flapped his wings, allowing them to perpetrate him across the border and into his individual hell, forever.

“Goodbye, Yixing,” he whispered to the empty air behind him, “my heart will never stop beating for you.”

The sand in the hourglass stopped flowing.

Time passed quickly now. It had already been two years since he left Luhan.

Yixing sighed as he glanced at the silver necklace he held in his hand. It was useless to him now, Luhan would never again cross the border, and thus, the sand within it would never again fall. But even still, Yixing could not bring himself to shatter the fragile glass. He was so afraid that if he did break it, it would break the small dreams he still had of seeing Luhan again.

It wouldn’t happen of course, Luhan had already forgotten him.

Two years ago, when he had handed Luhan the vial, he had broken his own heart, letting it shatter into a million pieces. He had watched Luhan drink the potion and erase him from his heart till the end of time. Yixing, too, had drank the liquid present within the vial. But the one he drank was not of the potion.

He had replaced it with water.

Even if love pained, Yixing could not bring himself to wipe the demon from his mind. Luhan was and always would be his most beautiful memory, his sweetest dream. Love was best preserved in the most infinite of forms and there was only one such form – memory.

They would pain forever if they stayed together, but now that they were apart, only Yixing would have to hurt. And now, it was a precious pain. It was a pain he welcomed, because pain meant his heart still remembered.

Forever he would stare at the sand in the hourglass, waiting for the day it would fall again…a day that would never come.

That was love: an eternity of waiting and hurting without ever asking for anything in return.

 

♥

 

Luhan stared out at the open sea. He found himself coming to the same cliff often nowadays. It was a nice place. The air was salty, the breeze hit him with a refreshing cool, and the sea waves sprayed a cold mist into the sky. But he did not come because of that.

He came here to bask in the memories of what he once had and also to remind himself of what he had lost. Two years ago, Luhan watched as a surfer waded to his death, edged on by his own guilt and Luhan’s spell. He was jealous of the man then, and even more jealous of the man now.

Funny, he was jealous of a dead person.

Two year ago, Luhan had a million seconds. Now, he had none. There was no doubt in his mind that the hourglass had already been shattered, broken after it no longer signified anything to the angel who had surely forgotten.

Often, Luhan would linger on the border between hell and heaven, wondering if he should step in. Every time he would force himself to turn, worried not because he might die given the hourglasses’ shattering, but because he did not want to repeat their story a second time. Yixing had finally escaped him, he didn’t have a right to trap the angel again.

The demon glanced at the endless stretch of beach before him, empty because it was early morning. He smirked slightly, noting the seemingly infinite sprawl of light gray sand. If only he could take the sand of the earth and place it within the hourglass of them. But who was he kidding? Even if he had infinite sand now, it no longer mattered, because he did not have Yixing.

He didn’t drink the vial two years ago. The memory of Yixing was too precious. Eternally. He wanted to suffer under the pain of remembering forever rather than to forget the man his heart belonged to.

Simple illusory magic.

“I never forgot you,” he whispered to the sea. He wondered if Yixing still remembered him as well, like the man had promised he would with his last words.

For a slight second, Luhan got the feeling that Yixing did. But he brushed it off. It was impossible, there was no way Yixing remembered him.

After another long glance at the continuous ocean tides, Luhan flapped his black wings, sending himself back into the air and towards his hell.  As he glanced back at the fading land beneath him, Luhan witnessed the beach merging into a stretch of endless sand, seemingly infinite from the distance.

Infinity was but an illusion.

Their illusion had broken.

 

 

There are so many times in life where our misinterpretation of the people around us lead to endings that we do not desire. Yixing and Luhan were both under the impression that their love only caused each other pain and that the best conclusion would be a conclusion where their love did not exist. Thus, for the sake of each other, they chose to give up. But in the end, they could not accept a future where they did not remember the memories they created, thus, neither ultimately drank the potion. Ironic is their end, crafted only by the thought that separation would be best for each other, when in reality, erasing their shared past was not an option for either.

Anyways, hope you enjoyed the read. Comment below to tell me what you thought and upvote if you think it deserves it. Personally this wasn't exactly up to the standard I wanted, but I think it turned out alright. What do you guys think?