“See you next week oppa!”

You wave back and smile at her. Your smile slowly disappearing from your face as you watched her get into her boyfriend’s car. That man was everything you were not, suave, confident, powerful, rich. As you watch the car pull away, you hang your head and let your shoulders slump, finally letting the weariness of reining in and holding your feelings in check set in.

Your hyung comes over and gives you a comforting pat on the back and together the two of you look at the night sky. The full moon had just risen and was shining brightly reflecting in the dark calm waters in front of you. How ironic, you think. The moon gets full and thin, the sun rises and sets, even the tides change from high to low. The only constant is change, but yet even after 2 years of dating her boyfriend, the one thing that won’t change is your heart towards her. You think to yourself, “How much longer must I yearn for you? Why can’t my heart look away from you?”

You are suddenly aware that your hyung is asking you a question, you blink and asked him to repeat the question. “You have obviously loved her for a while, why didn’t you ever tell her how you feel?” Shuffling your feet, you think back to the first time she ever opened up to you, the day she agreed to be his girlfriend.

She had called you at 1am, she sounded unsure, unsure if she should be calling you. You hear soft sobbing on the other end of the line. “I’m going over.” You told her and hung up before she could protest. She was still crying when she opened the door. She looked so broken, so vulnerable. You didn’t have to know what was wrong, you just sat next to her, in comfortable companionship. She cried even more.

You just kept quiet as she let it all out, questions, tears, fears. She looked up at you with big doleful eyes. That was the moment you realised, you had fallen for her, that you love her. And it was not just in a brotherly protective kind of way, that you’d do anything to make sure she never hurts again

In her eyes you saw her worries, of being alone with no one to love and care for her. Her fears of her own inadequacies leading her to accept a man she didn’t truly love for the sake of companionship and that he was the only man with a romantic interest in her that has even looked at her as a proper lady after her explicit scenes in the movie.

You wanted to shake her and protest that you were a man too, with romantic interests in her. That didn’t care about her past, and in fact, you respected her all the more for having the guts to do such a controversial film especially in a conservative, traditional nation. Instead you realised what you feared more was losing her completely, never able to be a friend and that you could hurt her more than a friend ever could.

Resigned to your fate, you gently asked, “Does he make you happy?” She leans her head against your arms, gave a small nod and replied quietly, “He doesn’t make me all excited and warm and fuzzy inside, but he cares.” She gives you a small bittersweet smile, and you mirror it with one of your own. Your gazes meet and you notice that her eyes brim over with some unknown emotion she looks like she wants to say something but she stops herself and the two of you spend the night in quiet acceptance of her newfound status.

You turn to face your hyung. “I couldn’t tell her because… Because I am afraid that one day I may hurt her. I am afraid of being the one that causes her tears. Because I have nothing to offer her.”

He adjusts the glasses on his face, cracking a friendly smile before speaking, “Love doesn’t hurt you.. It’s the person that doesn’t know how to love or appreciate love that hurts you. But love never hurts. I’ve seen the way you two are together, always respectful and loving, how you are the first one to her side when something happens and how you take note of her favourite foods. Don’t think I didn’t see you put your clams into her bowl because she likes it, how she hovers over you when we eat together. Giving you the choice cuts of beef because she knows you are leaving it for her. Or how the both of you appreciate the little things you do for each other, the sickeningly sweet smiles you give each other when she comes in with the cake from your favourite café or when you come in with her Americano? Love is not about what you can offer another, it is not self-seeking, it is patient and kind, selfless and sacrificing.”

He claps you on the back and as he turned to leave he threw over his shoulder, “Hyung is not telling you what to do. But what are you waiting for? Her wedding invitation? By then it will be too late. I’m not saying you should break them up, but you should give yourselves a chance at happiness. At least tell her and leave the ball in her court.”

You stand looking at the setting moon and think to yourself, the only constant is change. Your love for her has not changed, in fact it has grown stronger over the years. A trust, a familiarity and comfort has formed between you. She trusts you and no longer hesitates to call on you.

Perhaps hyung was right, perhaps for change to come, I needed to trust myself as she has trust me. You mused on the possibility of change and turned to leave. Maybe, just maybe… It was time to take a chance.