How it all started?

It all started when I decided to follow my dream to become a singer, instead following my Dad’s dream to continue my education in law school. I was recruited by SM in early 2006 while my dad was giving only half or maybe a quarter of his blessing. I’m not even sure with my decision back then, my dad was even thinking I was mad. However, I know for sure that singing is not only hobby for me. It’s more than that. A lot more than that.

So, following my dream to become a singer leads me to a meeting with him. I was introduced by one of our manager to all 12 Super Junior’s member as their new plus one. He was standing among the other members, and just like the other, he had this shocked expression all over his face. I know that all of them will be upset with the fact that they got another one member. There are already 12 of them, and another one is only making them even harder to get famous and being recognized

I greeted them, bowing 90°, then introduce my name and hoping that they will help me in the future. After that each of them also introduce themselves. I still remember how they gave me a bitter smile, that kind of smile that forced to make. But I can’t complain, I know they were upset. I will be upset too if I were them.

But he, he is different. He gave me a warm smile, warm enough for my cold heart. He introduces himself, tell his name. The image of that day was still so vivid in my brain, how he looks so young and so innocent. However, what I remember the most was his smile, the smile that up until now still can warm and calm my heart.

About 4 years from that day, I’ve never been so thankful for following my own dream. Because without that I won’t know what does love mean.

I don’t know what makes me attracted to him at first time. Well, beside his good looking face and of course his smile. Maybe it was because our first long conversation.

Our first long conversation was happened to be in the roof of our old dorm. It was about 2 months after  I met him and join Super Junior. He came when I was sitting all alone in there. At first, I said I’ll just go, but he didn’t let me. We end up in silent for the next 10 minutes, before finally he spoke up.

He asked if it was hard with all these. I was laughing bitterly, and said that nothing is easy in this life. I forgot how we end up by talking our own family. It turns out that we had the same family issue; a dad who disagree to have their only son join the entertainment world.

He supposed to continue his education in business and continue their family business, while I supposed to continue my education in order as an educator’s son. We shared our burden that day. However it ended with him patting my shoulder and telling me to be patient with all practices, schedules and also with all the other members that was giving me hard time back then.

It was the first day that I felt close to him. Maybe because we were somehow the same.

After that day, I thought I can get closer to him. But I was wrong.

 

After that day, we never had another long conversation. We spoke if we needed to. We back to the same we. The connection that I think I feel was wrong. . It was even harder to meet him because he was busy with all of his acting lesson. It’s not like I already felt something for him. It was more like the one that I thought can be my close friend was actually didn’t felt the same way.

 

It was almost the end of June 2006. Almost everything changed after we won as the first place in Music Bank. It was the first time Super Junior ever wins something, everyone felt joyful. And even I was finally getting along with the other members. I finally felt as a part of Super Junior.

And as always, there were him. He was standing in the middle of the other members who were still crying with happy tears. He looked at him, noticing my puffy eyes after crying in Leeteuk hyung’s shoulder. He was smiling. That smile.

I felt warm.

 

Since that day, I became closer with the other members, even with him. We joked around, we laughed, we tell story. We just not shared burden anymore, we also shared happiness.

At first I didn’t understand something that I felt in my stomach everytime he smiles.

Now I know it was butterflies.

 

Not until a year from the day we won, the accident came. It was the only time I felt that I’m gonna die. And how I wished at least, he was there, holding my hands. All memories from my childhood until that day flashed in my mind. And I saw him, dancing, singing, laughing, and of course, smiling. I was so ready to die that time. However, there were Eunhyuk hyung who was holding my hands and telling me to keep alive.

And his smile flashed in my mind for the last time before I black out. I thought, if I really die, at least I saw him in my mind. However I knew deep down in my heart, I want, and need to see his real smile. I need to keep alive.

 

Took me 3 days until I woke up. There were my family, and also the others member, including him, in the hospital. I still can remember how worried his face was. I mean, everybody was worried that day, but he, he was different. He is also different for me.

That worried face was still here even after years passed, the worried face that came up everytime my health drop, or I injured some part of my body.

 

I remember about 2 years after we were start dating. I was having high fever that one day. Doctor was already giving some medicine that I should drink, and I think I’ll be better in the next day. It was just fever after all.

And there he was, sitting in the edge of the bed, looking at me with that worried face. I touched his face lightly, brushing my finger to his thick eyebrows.

“You are ugly when you think too much like this.” I said, trying to get rid all of his worries.

He reached my hand, kisses it lightly.

“You are so warm, sweetheart.”

“I’ll be okay tomorrow.” I tried to assure him.

But he still had the look. I tried to smile. He sighed and kissed my burning temple. Then while still holding my hand, he caressed my hair softly until I drifted to sleep.

 

That day, when I saw his worried face, it reminds me a lot with the day when I woke up in the hospital. Only, that day in the hospital, it was ten times more. I want to assure him that I’ll be okay, but I can’t since I also didn’t know if myself can be okay.

As long as I stayed in the hospital, the members were alternately coming to the hospital. Sometimes when my mom should come back to our house, there definitely will be one of the members that stay with me.

But he was different. He came to the hospital more often than the others. And my mom was very calm to leave me with him. I mean, she knew that I’ll be okay as long I have one of the member to take care of me while she is gone, but just like all the mom in the world, the worried of leaving her son even a second after what I’ve been through will always there. But with him, it felt different. Mom will always leave me with a light heart when he came.

Anyways, everytime he came, we will always talk a lot. We talked about our dreams, our wishes. He wished to be one of the greatest actor in the world, and to make our group to be a worldwide group. And how I wished to get out of the hospital as soon as I can, so I can sing with the members again. We talked about our family. He is the first one that I ever told about my dad’s decision to choose the operation that won’t make damage for my throat. I told him that finally my dad can fully accept my dreams, and how I was so thankful for it. I cried when I told him that. He just hold my hands. I knew he already knew the story, but he was still there, listening.

We talked about funny things too. I was never know that I’ll get addicted with his laugh, that makes me will do anything as long as I can hear his laugh and feel his happiness. His dimples are sinking so deep when he is laughing, making he even more irresistible than ever.

I observed his face a lot. How I noticed that he is even more handsome when he gets older. How his innocent face that I saw at the first time I met him changed into a mature face. And his lips, his lips that I never know one day will be kissing every inches of my body.

 

It took 78 days until I’m allowed to go home. The day when I discharged from the hospital, all the members and my family were there. And of course, he was also there. He was smiling so brightly since the morning I saw him. His dimples were going even deeper that day. He looked so happy.

Latter after we date, I asked him is he really that happy that day.

“Of course! It’s one of the happiest day in my life, beside the one when you said you love me, and the one that we first made love, and the one that you hugged me, and the one that you kissed me, and the one you called me, and the one that you texted me. Every day with you is will always be the happiest day in my life, but, yeah, that day was one of the happiest day.” He said, making my eyebrows reached my hair line, amazed by his unstoppable cheesiness. It’s fascinating how all those cheesy thing came out of his mouth. It was romantic at the first time I heard it. But now, it’s cheesy. The kind of good cheesy.

The first time he say romantic (or cheesy) thing to me was after I discharged from the hospital. We were practicing our new song that day. And when we were on break, he came to me and said; “Your voice is so beautiful.”

I was confused yet I can still feel my cheeks are burning. So all I could do was just thanked him.

At first I thought all his attentions to me were just because I just survived from a big accident and he was thankful about it. After all, all the members were also caring me even more after the accident. They won’t let me do something hard for the first 2 months after I discharged from the hospital. And I thought he was also like that. Turns out it was more than that.

 

His attentions were become more intense. We also texted and called each other if we didn’t meet. Sometimes, we hugged each other. But that time, I thought, well it was just a hyung-dongsaeng thing. What’s going on between us was pure a brotherly love.

At least that’s what I thought, until one night changed everything. He came late to the dorm, finding me still in the living room, watching some movie. He asked why I haven’t sleep yet, and I said I’m not sleepy. He asked if he can join me watching, and I said okay. After he washed his face, and changed his clothes into the comfortable one, we were watching the movie together. He sat next to me in the couch.

At first, we were focusing on the movie. However, in the next 30 minutes, I already placed my head on his shoulder. He was the one who over me to lean on him, I decided to just go with it. But before we realize it, we were already looking into each other eyes, not even care about the movie anymore.

We were looking quite long, hearing the ticking sound from the clock, nobody dare to move. However, he leaned his head slowly at first, still looking into my eyes. I knew where all this will be going to. After like an eternity, my brain finally can work. I moved my head from his shoulder, we were looking at each other, confused about what just happened. Even thought we didn’t kiss, we were only inches apart that time.

I stood up and head to my room, leaving him all alone in the living room.

 

Since that day, we were so awkward. However, we were trying so hard to look like fine in front of the other. But there won’t be only me and him in the same room, there must be someone else. There was no more text or phone calls.

I think a lot back then. I thought about the feeling that came up when we were looking into each other eyes. Am I gay? Is he gay? Is this even real? More questions were coming up in my mind, and with no answer for each of it.

 

However, after keeping the awkwardness for almost 2 weeks, something happened. It was Saturday night in the dorm, all the members were gathering around together, since we had no schedule. Then he came.

It was Hae hyung that first asked him, “how was the date, Siwon-ah?”

“Date? What date?” Other members curiously asked.

“His dad just matchmaked him with one of his colleague’s daughter. So how was she?” Hae hyung asked while winking this time.

He who just came up startled at first, he looked at me, who was also startled. My heart was aching, and I felt like crying. I didn’t know why back then. It was just hurt. So I excused myself to my room, making the members were looking me weirdly but decided to let it go, since he had interesting story to tell.

I could feel his gaze to my back, but I didn’t care. I came to my room, slammed my suddenly-dead-tired-body to the bed, and cried. Yes, I cried.

 

After that day, I avoided him even more. Turns out that he hated it so much. He told me after we date, that he hates my silent treatment. He rather prefers me yelling and hitting him than giving me nothing but silent treatment and cold shoulder.

So, one day when I was alone in the dorm in the night, he came to the dorm. I couldn’t run or trying to talk to someone since it was really just the two of us. I was playing something in my phone when he came, we looked to each other and suddenly felt awkward.

He sat on one of the chair in the living room, not so far from the couch that I seated on. I pretended to play with my fingers when I hear him sighed.

“Why are you avoiding me?” He asked, making me looked up to him.

“What?”

“Why are you avoiding me?”

“I’m not avoiding you.” I lied.

“Yes you are.”

“I am not.” I said, avoiding his eyes.

“Did I do something wrong?” He asked again.

“You did not.”

“STOP LYING TO ME, KYUHYUN!” He suddenly yelled, and stood up from his seat. I looked at him, shocked at first because it was the first time he yelled at me.

I also stood up from my seat, “I’m not lying to you!!”

“Yes you are!”

“Stop pretending like you know me very well! Because you don’t!” I hold my tears, hoping it will just stay inside my eyes.

“Then why are you acting like this?”

I sighed, “why do you care, anyway? Why do you care so much of me acting like I am avoiding you? If I am really avoiding you, why do you care? Huh?” I could feel my eyes started b with tears.

He just looked at me silently.

“See? Stop pretending like you care when actually you don’t, hyung!” I said and turned my back.

But you when I about to went to my room, I heard him; “because I love you.”

I stopped but stay still with my back to him. I thought I heard wrong.

“I love you, Kyuhyun. You are not just a brother to me, you are not just like the other member to me, and you are not just my friend. Because for me, you are a lot more than that. I know you might think I was crazy, but…”

The next thing I remember, I crashed him in a long hug. He startled at first, but hugged me back. I buried my face in his chest, his arm warped around my waist. And I’ve never been feel that safe.

 

We started dating after that day. It was 3 years after we met. We kissed that day, the first time I felt his soft thin lips. He wiped away all my tears, kissed my eyes softly, and bring me into his arms one more time.

We, or more like, I, decided to keep this relationship secret to the other members at first. Because I thought the members will against it. However, 6 months later, the members found out and decided to talk to us. They disappointed at first because we were not being honest to them. We apologized to them, and promised that we will be honest from that time and on.

It was better to be honest to the members, after all. Because at least we can act as a couple in the dorm. In the end, until now, some of our staffs know about our relationship, I blame him for not holding himself every-freaking-concert we had, my family, who fully accepted it, his family, who still not fully accepted it, (I’ll get to that later), and some people in the management. And I think, our fans knew it already.

 

Dating him is not easy. After years, we became more famous, and busier. He started to shoot some drama overseas. At first I thought it was fine, but in the end, it is killing me over the fact that we had to separate for such a long time.

 

But that is not the hardest part. The hardest part until now is having his father’s blessing.

It was almost 3 years after we were dating. We came to his house. I knew this will be bad, since his father is the most religious and cold person I ever met.

We came to his house, after a quiet-long-awkward-lunch, he decided to talk. He said he is in love with me, and we are in love to each other. After he said that, all I can see was he was lying in the ground while his father was beating his face. I heard his mother and his sister scream. But all I can do was just stand still, too shocked to react. I could feel tears in my eyes, but I hold it so hard. I need to be strong.

His mother can separated his father from him after about 5 punches in his face. I came to him, help him stand up in his feet. I hold his arm, didn’t dare to look at his face. His father was still screaming, yelling at him that he raised his son not to be a sinner, and all love that he just said is just bull. He stood still, he said that he is happy with me, and all he wants was just his family to accept him.

 

We came to his apartment in silent after that. I gave cold pack for his bruises in his face. Still holding my tears to not cry in front of him.

But when he apologized to me, I broke down. He tried to hug me, but I pushed him. The next thing I knew, I yelled at him.

“This won’t work! I can’t took you from your family!”

“What?” He shocked.

“I said this won’t work! You should open your eyes, Siwon! WE WON’T EVER WORK IT OUT!”

He looked at me shockingly, I was a crying mess that time. He moved forward, tried to hug me once again, but I slapped him. Hard enough, not just in his cheek, but in his heart.

"Your father was right, he didn’t raised you to be a sinner! This is over!”“

“What are you talking about, Kyu!? Are you giving up on me?” He also yelled.

“I’ll do the same if some stranger want to take away the son that I raised from his day one!”

“You are not a stranger! For God’s sake!”

“I am to your father! Do you really believe we can walk around in the street as gay? Wake up, Siwon! The world against us!”

“So what!? We will also against it!”

“We can’t win! We can’t never win!!”

He looked at me again.

It took couple of second before I said, “it is over.” Softly.

Then I went out from his apartment.

 

It was one of the biggest fight we ever had. We didn’t fight very often. It was just some time when we were being apart for too long, or when we were tired and suddenly got bad mood for everything. But that one was one of the biggest fight.

It took 3 days until he came to our dorm. I was sure Leeteuk hyung called him because I’ve been refusing to eat properly in 3 days. I was hurt. Very much. I know I was the one who told it was over. But it was indeed still hurt.

So he came, finding me lying on my bed helpless. He my hair, making me looked at him, kind of shocked finding him in my room. He smiled. That kind of smile that still manages to makes me warm and comfort.

And I knew that everything will be alright.

He hold my hand, I closed my eyes after feeling the warmth, the fell asleep.

 

When I woke up, he was already sitting next to me with a bowl of warm porridge.

“Hey.” He said, “you need to eat something. Come on, I’ll feed you.”

I sat down, and watching him blows the porridge and feed it to my mouth. We stayed silent until the bowl was empty. He put down the bowl, and hold my hands once again.

“I’m sorry.” I said first.

He smiled, rubbed his finger to my hand, “would you promise me one thing?”

I nodded.

“Even if you are really angry, or sad, or disappointed towards me, would you never-ever-ever say that we are over?”

 

I kept my promises until today. No matter how much we angry towards each other, or sad, or disappoint, we will never say we are over.

I nodded after he asked me that, with tears in my face. He hugged me and kissed my head while I was saying sorry over and over again. He rubbed my back lovingly, waiting for me to calm down. After I calm down, he pulled me out so he can see my face. I said sorry once again, he leaned down and kissed me on the lips so softly.

“It’s okay, I know you were sad.” He said and smiled, trying to assure me.

I was back in his arms once again. I closed my eyes, and smelled his scent, wondering why I even ever think that I’ll survive without him.

 

As I told you, it was not the first and the last our biggest fight. One time was when he was busy filming in Taiwan for months and the frequency we met was even harder. Even with our new album, y, Free, and Single, we still hardly to meet. Everytime there was a group schedule, he was still not there.

So we fight, I yelled, he yelled, he left again to Taiwan, I cried. Then when the shoot was over he came home and apologized to me. That drama that almost bring us to the edge of our relationship is even haven’t aired yet because some problems.

 

As a boyfriend, I find him perfect.

He is patient enough to bear with me that had this I-am-too-shy-to-tell-about-my-feelings thing. He patiently wait for me to say the three magic words after we dated around 4 months. But once he said to me that, he knows I love him even without I say it.

He is great in bed. No need to get detail on this one.

He is full of surprise. Even after years, I will still amazed by his actions. How he always success to surprise me with his things. One time he took me to a romantic dinner, the other time he sneaked me out to try some street food while we were heading concert in Thailand.

He is so caring.

He is perfectly handsome.

He smart yet stupid sometimes.

He is very protective, and everytime I’m with him, I’ll feel safe. Because I believe he will be there, next to me, holding my hands and protect me.

He is cheesy yet romantic.

He is so faithful. Sometimes too faithful (or silly), and making all the world know I was belong to him by screaming it in one of our concert.

He is funny.

I can always go on with my reason to find him a perfect boyfriend, but what makes him perfect the most is the fact that he is Choi Siwon. The man that I fell in love with. I don't have to had a reason to fall in love with him. It is all just because he is what he is.

“We were meant to be together, forever.” He said, making me rolled my eyes but yet I totally agree with him.

We are not a perfect couple. We fail, we yelled, we fight, but in the end we will always love each other.

---

And all that, bring us to today. Its 13^th of October 2013. It is Sunday, and we are holding a house warming party. We brought a house for us to live. We start taking things seriously, if we want to live together, we need a house.

There are all the members, even Teuk hyung that still in military now, my mom, dad, my sister, his mom, his sister, and some of our close managers.

We knew 13^th of October is our day, like the fan said. But until now, we never had any special moment in that day. Until today, it’s our house warming party.

I looked at him, who is sitting next to me with one of his arm in my shoulder. He is laughing towards Shindong’s hyung joke, and after all these years, his smile, and his laugh still makes me warm and safe. He felt my gaze, then he looked at me, smiling. He brings my head closer, kisses my head while murmuring ‘I love you’. I scoots closer to him, burying my head in his chest, while my hands in his waist and his arm wrapped around my shoulder protectively.

“I love you too, Won.”

Dating with Choi Siwon is not easy. Heck, it will never been easy. But as long as we had each other together, I believe everything will be fine.

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Happy Wonkyu Day, everyone <3