★ The Going Home Club [74%]
[On Glory's Edge] The Archives
FICTION BIO
The Going Home Club
by mengga
Featuring: EXO
Type: Chaptered
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Fluff, Friendship, Romance
Main Characters: EXO Members
Status: Ongoing (reviewed with 15)
Rated: None
Warnings: Cussing
by mengga
Type: Chaptered
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Fluff, Friendship, Romance
Main Characters: EXO Members
Status: Ongoing (reviewed with 15)
Rated: None
Warnings: Cussing
DESCRIPTION
Sehun, (one of the world's laziest people)'s wish in college is to pass with the smallest amount of effort possible. All he wants is to go through life as quietly and peacefully as it allows him to. So when he comes across a club that supposedly does nothing, he gets ecstatic, well as ecstatic as the lazy Sehun can get. His greatest mistake in fulfilling his university dream? Joining it.
EXCERPT
Sehun looked at the phamplet that was given, or practicaly shoved into his hand by a hyper poodle-head, after the entrance ceremony yesterday.
"The Going Home Club. Are you a talentless freak? Or are you a lazy ? Or are you both? Well if you are, come join the Going Home Club, the magical place where you can do anything and everything you want that doesn't involve: setting the club's kitchen on fire, bringing along cats, being an or breaking expensive teaware."
They have pretty specific rules you see.
He opened the door and for the strangest urge to turn around and run for it before anyone sees him. A great burst of noise hit him as he took in the whole scene.
Story Review by xODarkMistOx (222/300 - 74%)
Title (17/20)
This title is pretty cute honestly. It's catchy and pretty interesting. However I don't really understand the entire name of the club honestly. I mean as a whole, not just as a title. This club doesn't do anything, so...why would it be called "The Going Home Club"? Feel free to clear it up but its just something I deducted because while it is pretty much your story, to me it doesn't make much sense.
I'm not deducting a lot because for one thing, I'm not in university or anything so I don't really know much about how people would name their clubs and perhaps I'm just a bit dumb when it comes to things like this.
I digress, this title did catch my eye and I immediately knew before reading the tags that this was going to be one kickass hilarious story. Good job on that. It's a simple title but it just grabs attention gives off a comedy feeling and I really like that. It's not overly cliche or over cheesy. It's just right.
Foreword and Description (25/40)
So I absolutely adored your description. More so that it was short and explanatory but not so explantory to the point where I know the entire story. It's catchy, funny, and strikes some curiosity. I especially how you make Sehun a huge lazy right from the beginning as you explain him. Most of the time people who write fics like this say a character is like something, but isn't. But right here, Sehun is pretty much the very living proof of someone who's lazy as hell.
Your description was pretty awkward as I'm scrolling through nice looking photos of EXO. I mean it was nice...but your story could've done without them. However! I did really like that little snippet of two people talking about the club. It was funny and really cute about how it was written. You really get to know the characters through that, even though they're unknown but when I read that I was like "Yeah I'm in for some sarcastic this is going to be funny alright." and you did not disappoint. Apart from the character photos and statement of their job in the club, I liked your foreword with the two snippets of things. The last snippet really tied it all together and I especially liked how it talked about how Sehun didn't even know if the members were drunk or not.
Readability (25/40)
Your chapters are CRAZY CRAZY LONG and at first its reasonable but its just SO SO MUCH happening that I wish you broke it up just a bit better. I mean I thought I was in for a 15 chaptered story but it felt like a 20 chaptered one with a lot of dialogue. I mean yeah it was nice but sometimes I just needed my eyes to rest and not have to continually keep on scrolling and be distracted by my thought of 'when is this going to end '
Also I would advise you to just revise here and there. There aren't a lot of grammar mistakes and they aren't exactly worth me copy pasting and changing formats, but I would say that some typos are there and some mess ups with posessive things. But it didn't really deter me from reading so I would say you're pretty good.
Characterization (30/50)
I'm going to be really plain and simple. Your characters are funny and cute and downright hilarious but I have to say something. Their maturity levels are scary. I swear they're university students and they act like this? I mean yeah I am a total dork with my friends but I don't turn into a whining complainer who somehow acts like a ten year old. I do understand that it was for comedy sake but it was just too odd for me to even laugh at it and rather I was sort of just trying to read as fast as possible to have the scene over with. I mean some parts are actually funny but other times its just like what? Sehun playing pokemon...getting killed for having a D in PE (I don't think university has PE so to speak but rather some sort of sport)...its just too awkward for me.
The whole Harry Potter game was just so hard for me to read I swear. I mean they're what 18-22+ right or something and they're doing tHAT? I mean yes there is the saying people have an inner child but this is just so out of their even comedic maturity levels. Knowing this sort of age I thought they would joke more about and annoying girls or something else other than play...harry potter...
Chanyeol's character is also an issue for me. I do assume he is the most childish member of the club its just too childish for me. I would say that this is a flaw in him and in the writing. It even makes me question how he got into university and such. This isn't a deep story and his personality isn't really something enjoyable or understandable, so I can't give him any mercy other than that his flaw of being childish is more of a writing flaw than a characer flaw. You get me?
However I so absolutely enjoyed Yixing's and Chen's character! They're such sarcastic I thought it was TOTALLY perfect for this story. Yixing even gave Chen a colored sharpie pack I swear I laughed so hard at Yixing and Chen's parts.
Originality (20/30)
This isn't that original and I can tell you that I've read stories similar to this. However I think your characters are quite original considering that you made them something I didn't expect them to be. I seriously thought Yixing would be like Xiumin and I really thought the trolls would be more oriented towards Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Luhan. I thought Chen would be more a sidekick to that group too haha.
Plotline (90/90)
I would say despite the many moments I cringed and was like 'for real they're doing this what' I was absolutely always entertained by these twelve. They're absolutely hilarious and it is so funny to see what kind of they get themselves into. From getting girls, daily school, going to the gym hahah, or pulling pranks its always funny and its funny how the romance plays in.
I do enjoy how they tease each other and they aren't exactly overly sensitive like guys should be (apart from Tao whom I really wish would end up with Kris already!) and I really like how nice the plot folds out. I can't say much to this because crack fics are so unpredictable but I can't wait for what sort of shennanigans they pull later!
Structure / Mechanics (10/30)
Your structure needs some major fixing. Your chapters are HEAVILY spaced out and have so much dialogue and such and so much happens in one single chapter. I would suggest spacing it out more. Since this is a comedy/crack fic I expected this but I didn't really expect your CRAZY LONG CHAPTERS. Also, you have a tendancy to overuse swear words and its REALLY awkward so I would lay low on that and use them for more comedic senses rather than over and over.
Bonus (+5)
Yixing's character is absolutely brilliant and funny and I love how he's a background character but I just adore his moments. He sleeps and is weird enough to let Chen draw on his face but only with sharpie because permanant is a to take off hahaha. Also, you made me laugh quite hard while reading this and I pretty much almost destroyed my keyboard while I was drinking water and I almost spat it out due to laughing. And I also suffered a near death experience while choking on my food when reading this so thank you for your amazing comedy skills ahaha.
Reader's View
This was really funny. I can say that I really enjoyed how everyone is a and a jerk but they all come together in the end and its nice. I would say that I really liked how their friendship seemed real. Everything seemed real when it came to their friendship. Even though some people aren't mentioned that often, they know each other well and know when crap isn't okay and such. It's a really nice feature to the story in my own opinion.
Additional Comments / Final Score (222/300 - 74%)
Thanks for putting me in near death from dying of laughter and choking on my food and water :D lol anyways jokes aside this story was really really well done and I could say the comedy was brilliant! Just a question though, Sehun's the main character right? So I was just curious on why Luhan is the main person on the poster haha
I can't wait to see how this story unfolds! You're an expert at comedy! Just break it up better and try and change the maturity level a bit and you're good!
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