★ Drip, Drip, Drop [70]
[On Glory's Edge] The Archivesby vonpika
Type: Oneshot
Genre: Angst, Dark
Main Characters: Chen, OC
Status: Complete
Rated: None
Warnings: Sensitive Topics
The title was quite original, but the title didn’t have any attractiveness honestly, and I wouldn’t really click on it if I saw it. Despite such, it relates to the story well but I wished you could incorporate a deeper meaning to your title.
Creating titles aren’t easy, I know that, but with your wide range of vocabulary, I’m sure you’ll be able to crack something amazing.
Your description only had a sentence in it, and I was really disappointed. Your sentence held so much depth but you ended it there, there were no mysteries and such.
I would suggest at least three sentences, since it’s a one-shot, but the sentence revealed too little, I didn’t want to continue on the story because it seemed so empty.
I’m sure you write terrific poems, so maybe a poem description could work too.
As for the foreword, you don’t have one. I was once told by a reviewer that forewords were important, therefore you should always have a foreword!
There really wasn’t a storyline; it looked more like an excerpt from a story. Honestly, I would have loved it if you made this into an entire storyline. What you wrote was an impressive outline that you could blossom into a beautiful chaptered fiction.
I can’t really judge the originality, but I’ve seen stories where the endings were similar; but the plot would be good if you could expand it more.
Your way of describing emotions were beautiful, but I didn’t know much about the characters as I had no story to fall back on.
No grammatical errors found.
As mentioned earlier, if you made it into a story, say , the girl was depressed and her mind formed a person, Chen, to help her get through her horrible times, and at the end, Chen never existed. My heart would be absolutely wounded by the angst.
The plotline I gave you was just an example, thought out in five seconds, I just wanted to give you an example as to how your story one-shot can transform into chapters.
You organized the paragraphs well, and I am in love with how you describe the surroundings and also the character’s emotions. I envy your usage of words; it was perfect. Absolutely perfect.
I enjoyed the one-shot because I haven’t read something so beautifully written in a long time. Truly, it was utopian.
Despite my praises on your vocabulary, the words seemed a bit empty at times. Why? Well, because the readers did not have a back story to relate to, we don’t know why the main character is on the verge of suicide; (aside from the non-existence of Chen), we don’t know much as it is a one-shot. So, the sadness portrayed was very graphic, but I be sad with her because I wasn’t given time to understand her.
Your one-shot was beautiful, and I thank you, for touching subjects like suicide because there’s so much fictions these days, I just wanted to read something like this. Something that’s relatable.
Sorry for any typos and I hope you take some time to write a foreword next time. They make a difference.
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