I can't decide which is worse, watching you die, or hearing the doctors say there is no cure? Everyday you grow paler and lose your hair. I watch, holding your hand as you grow shaky and your words slur. As the months drone past, your body shuts down and you become to weak to even force a smile.

You grow weary of fighting a losing battle even though I beg you selfishly to live. As our friends gather around your bed, I hear only your chokes as you gasp for that last breath that refuses to come. Eyes wide and mouth open in fear, that is the face you pass on with as I still hold that cold limp hand. The room that once held your choked pleads for life, now hold my choked pleads for death as I scream for you.

I don't remember going home, your funeral is a blur. Everyday I just lay in bed holding your picture and crying. Pleading for you to return and hold me. There is no sunlight, only grey skies as I call for you. My eyes play tricks on me at night as I see your figure in the mirror or beside me in the dark.

Your hands touch me in the shower yet I never actually see you. Our friends beg me to come out from our room and talk, but I can't. If I leave our room, I may forget you. Hearing their laughter only makes your absence worse. Depression has taken over me. I find myself wishing for death the longer I go without you.

This pain, it rips at my heart like daggers. Clinging to your picture only worsens that pain, but without your face I feel lost. These conflicting emotions are killing me. I feel like Jekyll and Hyde. You were Jekyll while I am the monster Hyde. That voice that told me what to do left when you died. Now all that is left is the monster that lurked under my bed. No longer am I that person everyone laughed with or came too.

Love has abandoned me, life has abandoned me. Only the chill of death and you're ghost has remained at my side this time around. Looking into the mirror, I wonder if the reflection I see of you is me or if I died and you are the one living. It confuses me to no end and I hate it. This monster I’ve created has taken over, I need you back beside me.

It's been a year, and here I stand with a knife in my hand smiling a your picture. So easy, one slash on each wrist, and I can see you again. No longer will I be lonely, no longer will I cry the days away. Your reflection in the mirror shielding my own will disappear with me. Once more we will be together, inseparable. I promise, in the morning they will find a pool of blood, and by the end of the week, our grave will read Lee Hyukjae and Donghae.