The moonlight coming through the slit curtain, provide a little illumination in a room that full of grief. Hongki sat on the edge of the bed in the room which was his parents’ bedroom. Tears are streaming down his milky white cheeks. He is still wearing the same clothes as he wore at his parents’ funeral this morning. Both of them died due to accident yesterday. He found himself wishing that it wasn't real. Occasionally he wiped his face with his shaky hands. He panted, not all because he cried too much, but he has difficulty breathing which make it worse.

His heart isn't pumping as well as it should be. His weak heart can't supply the cells with enough blood that make his body tired quickly and shortness of breath. He had to undergo major surgery when he was 13 years old, but after 3 years of his colorful life began, it gradually begin to not having enough power to pump the amount of oxygenated and nutrient-filled blood that his body needs and getting weakened. The doctor said that he had to do a heart transplant. It’s not easy to do. It’s been two years and they’re still haven’t been able to find the proper donor for him, so, he had to take some medication to inhibit the heaviest damage, in other words to extend his life a bit.

He headed to the window and looked up desperately, even the Moon is mocked him by full illuminated. He scared to death when he felt someone patted his shoulder. All of the maid is surely sleeping now. He turned around slowly and found a human figure stood in front of him. He couldn’t see the face clearly. He can only see that the figure is taller than him a few inches.

Hongki stunned as his mouth was wide open in shocked, He even not able to spilled out a word. His heart beat fast, makes him become hard to breathe. Hongki put his hand on the chest to soothing his heart as he sat on the floor.

He closed his eyes tightly and  recited the litany that he can remember rapidly while begged whatever it is will be disappear soon.

“It’s me Ki” Hongki titled his head as he heard his deep voice. He opened his eyes slowly. “Jonghun?” He called hesitantly. “Yeah, I’m Jonghun. Sorry if I make you scared.” Jonghun reached down his hand to help him get up. As soon as Hongki’s feet support his body back, he scolded Jonghun.

“CHOI JONGHUN! YOU MAKE ME SCARED TO DIE!” He snapped at his only best friend. They know each other very well. They’ve been good friends since they were little. Jonghun parents are rarely home because of their work.  Because of their home is within walking distance, he always came to play with Hongki or just visit him whenever he felt lonely.

 “If I know you’re going to use this house keys just to scare me, I will not give that to you” Hongki grumbled. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you scared” He scratched his hair.

“What do you want?” Hongki asked, still irritate. Hongki stood frozen as Jonghun didn’t say anything and just put his arm around him and hold him tightly. It didn't take a long time until Hongki squeeze the back of Jonghun’s shirt while fresh tears start to stream down on his face. Jonghun caressed Hongki’s dark brown hair softly when his sob begins to harder.

After a while, the room went quiet again. Jonghun pulled back when the sound of cry was subsided. Jonghun wiped the stain of tears on Hongki’s exhausted face before lead him to his room. He waited patiently as Hongki changed his clothes.

“Take a rest. I’ll come again tomorrow” Jonghun pulled the blanked to cover him. He was about to leave when Hongki grabbed the bottom of his shirt. “Stay with me…tonight” he murmured and drifted into sleep in an instant, before Jonghun could respond.

Hongki awakened at the morning dawn. He coughed badly. HIs chest hurt as his heart trying to pump enough air to breathe, he sat down to make it easier. He tried to open the drawer where his medicine placed. He had accustomed to this attack lately. It becomes worse each time it occurs. A hand precedes him. Jonghun took out the medicine sprightly. He put it into Hongki’s mouth and s a cup of water to his lips. Hongki gasped in surprise when Jonghun put his arm around him for the second time, pressed Hongki’s head to his chest as he catches his breath.

“Want me to call a doctor?” He asked worriedly. Hongki shook his head. It’s useless. He’ll only asked me to get some more rest, give a treatment which has a side effect that makes me suffer more, and then he would tell me that it’s the best because there's not much he can do, unless they've find the donor.

Hongki’s heart is beating rapidly, He’s not sure if it was due to attack or because of Jonghun. He can felt Jonghun warm breath on his neck as Jonghun’s hand his back gently. Jonghun scent make he feels comfortable and peaceful, it’s like honeysuckle, swamp flowers, and the mystery smell of the river. It was aphrodisiac and seductive.

“Feeling better now?” Jonghun voice took Hongki out of his thought. He bitted his lips and nodded. His chest isn’t hurt anymore and his breath is back to normal. Jonghun broke hug and caressed Hongki’s cheek with his soft hands. “Thanks God” he said relieved.

“I’m fine. I’m really sorry for troubling you” Hongki gave him a weak smile as he grabbed Jonghun’s hand and put it into his lap.

“Yaah! What are you talking about? We have known each other for a long time for God’s sake” Jonghun offended. “And I don’t want you hide it from me” Hongki stared at him in confused. “When you’re in grief or in pain I want you to tell me.  You always cover all of your sorrow and misery to bring smiles and happiness to the people around you. Don’t treat me like one of them!” Hongki furrowed his brow. He was about to asked what he is talking about, but Jonghun next words trailed him off.

 “I what to know what do you feel, so I could cheer you up when you’re sad or wiped your tears when you cry, so I could do anything to ease your pain” Jonghun paused for a moment. “It’s because I love you. I’ve love you for a long time”

Hongki couldn't have been more shocked if he pulled an elephant out of his . Jonghun had brought his face so close to Hongki, makes him became hard to think about his next words when all he wanted to do was crush their mouth. What the hell was I thinking?! Hongki snapped himself. Hongki admitted that he also have a sort feeling for him, but still he didn’t prepare for Jonghun sudden confession.

Jonghun backed off, his gaze filled with hurt. “Sorry if I made ​​you disgusted” his voice broke lower. “I’ll go if you want to.” He said as he stood. Still in daze, Hongki grabbed the bottom of his shirt. He lifted his face. Hongki’s stomach fills up with butterflies when their eyes locked.

“I-I…” Hongki stuttered. “I love you…too” He said finally, feel his own cheeks go red. That word makes Jonghun happy more than anything else. Jonghun flashed his most beautiful smile that is simply breathtaking. Hongki hold his breath as Jonghun locked their lips. He closed his eyes while Jonghun’s fingers braided in his hair, hold him closer. He could feel Hongki’s heart beat fast. It feels absolutely delight and sweet like the nectar of the flower garden when Hongki kissed him back, makes Jonghun moaned in pleasure. Their breath turned into gasp as they pulled away, unwillingly.

“Thank you baby” Jonghun whispered in hazy eyes. “Now you need go back to sleep” Jonghun laid him down. “D-Don’t leave” Jonghun smiled and caressed his cheek. “I won’t” Jonghun kissed his forehead and lying next to him.

Hongki opened his eyes slowly. He glanced to Jonghun who still sleeps soundly beside him. His lips curled up as he leaned a light kiss on his cheek before he rushed to bathroom. All that happened last night was like a dream. He never thought that their relationship will be like this. All this time he covered what he felt to Jonghun, because he had enough only with him there by his side as a friend. Hongki flinched as he felt a sudden pain in his chest which disappears as fast as it was came. He took a deep breath and grabbed a towel.

Jonghun already awake when Hongki came out from comfort room. “Morning baby” Jonghun greeted him. “Morning” Hongki replied with a bright smile on his face. Jonghun sat on the edge of bed with messy hair and rubbed his eyes like a little kid. He’s so damn cute. He thought. “Go take a bath. I want to go somewhere today, would you come along?” Jonghun nodded. “Of course” He said before walked in to the bathroom.

They go to the park which often visited by them whenever Hongki’s condition was strong enough to leave the house. They sat in the same bench every time they get there.

“I’ll go and having some ice cream” Hongki said. “You want some too?” He asked Jonghun who sat beside him. “It almost winter and you want an ice cream?” Jonghun raised his eyebrow. “There’s nothing wrong with it” He pouted.

“Alright, I’ll go. You wait here” Jonghun patted Hongki’s head before he stood and left. Jonghun ordered Hongki’s favorite flavor, cookies and cream and hot tea for himself. On the way back, he quickened his pace when he saw Hongki's face twisted in pain from a distance. He leaned his back as he holds his left arm.

Jonghun put the cup on the bench before he touched his arm lightly. “Is it hurt?” He asked worriedly. Hongki nodded weakly as an answer. Jonghun holds his hand and begin to massage his arm gently. “I’m fine now” Hongki said after a while, he flashed a smile to reassure him. The pain was gone, now it’s more like a dull pressure.

“How about we go to hospital?” Jonghun suggested. Hongki shook his head. “I’m fine” he repeated. “Where’s my ice cream?” He lifted both of his hands. He ate it cheerfully to prove that he's okay.

Jonghun took off his coat and draped it over Hongki shoulder as he saw Hongki was a bit shivered. “Let’s go home, it’s getting cold here” Jonghun guided him to stand. He stunned for a moment as he feels discomfort on his back and his shoulders blade. He ignored it and let Jonghun lead him to the car.

Jonghun asked if he could stay at his house for a couple days since its holidays and he didn’t has any plan, but the real reason is he’s really worry about Hongki’s condition lately. Jonghun called his parents to inform it and they’re allowed him easily.

Hongki woke up as sun gives him a morning touch. He turned around slowly and smiling when he found Jonghun sleeping right next to him. It had been a few weeks since Jonghun confessed, he still couldn’t resist Jonghun’s charm, there’s no words can describe how beautiful he is. Hongki kisses him slow and soft on his cheek and admiring his face carefully not to wake him up. He stares at his sleeping self while mumbling silent prayers of thanks. Thank you for coming into my life, thank you for loving me. The only thing that I regret is maybe I can’t stay with you. I don’t know how much longer I could stand with this. It’s just a matter of time.

Hongki saw Jonghun eyes are open up Just as a drop of tears runs down his cheek. Jonghun reached his hands to brushing it off. “What’s wrong baby? Did you hurt? Where does it hurt?” Hongki shook his head and tries to smile at him.

“I’m just grateful because you are here”. Jonghun pulled him closer and captured his soft lips. Hongki closed his eyes as their lips glide over each other smoothly. He moaned as Jonghun bit his lower lips lightly before his tongue trace over his lips, teasing it to apart. One of Jonghun hands tugged Hongki's hair softly. The warmth of Jonghun mouth sent a current running through his body, makes him breath faster and faster until he feel dizzy and think he might black out.

“I love you baby, more than my life, more than anything else.” Jonghun whispered against his lips which curled up before he replied “I love you too”. He put his arm around Jonghun’s waist and leaned his forehead on his chest.

“What will we do today?” Jonghun twisted Hongki’s shoulders-length hair by his finger. Hongki thought for a while and something crossed his mind.

 “How about we go to amusement park-..?” Hongki sat suddenly. HIs head bumped to Jonghun’s chin in the process hardly. “Ouch!” Hongki cringed in pain while Jonghun groaned as he’s holding his jaw. Hongki sighed in relieved that Jonghun is alright, no teeth were dislodged. He will still love him even though he is toothless, but the imagination about Jonghun toothless didn’t fail to make him laugh. 

“Are you sure you want to go there?” Jonghun asked after that chaos. Hongki knows that Jonghun referred to his condition, he nodded. “Alright then” Jonghun smile took his gaze, makes him grinned. Hongki was about walked to bathroom when the dizziness hits him. Perhaps it because that collision earlier. He thought.

When he stood, the pain struck him out of the blue. It’s like there is something in the center of his chest, pushing and squeezing to get out. Jonghun rushed to his side as Hongki bent down on the floor. “Hongki, baby, are you alright?” Jonghun asked in panic. Hongki couldn’t answer when he also feel his back is ache immensely, makes him break out in a cold sweat as he withstand the pain. The pain kept increasing in his back until it was unbearable. His whole vision turned into darkness as he passed out.

Jonghun carried him into the car and told the driver to bring them to Hospital immediately. “Hold on baby, please hold on” Jonghun repeated that sentence many times as he hugs Hongki’s unconscious body tightly.

“We need to do some test later when he wake up” doctor Kim said before he left. Hongki has given treatment as soon as they reached the hospital. Jonghun sat beside his bed, he hold Hongki’s hand and took it to his cheek. “You will be alright, right?” He said, more to himself.

Hongki opened his eyes slowly and blink to adjust with the light. He slowly release where he is, a familiar place. He lies down at the bed which dominated this room. The pale white walls matched the boring bedspread. It’s decorated in colors designed to be restful but come off as akin to a decorators choices for a funeral home.

“Baby, Are you awake?” Jonghun called him. Hongki drifted his gaze to Jonghun worried face. “Jonghun” Hongki said hoarsely. He tried to take off the oxygen mask which covers his nose and mouth, Jonghun held his hand to stop him.

“Don’t, they said you need it” Jonghun said. “I’m sorry if I make you worried” Hongki smiled guilty as he lightly rubbed Jonghun’s hand which still holds him. He still feels odd squeezing sensation in his chest which he tries to endure it. He didn’t want to make Jonghun more worried.  Jonghun knew. He knew that Hongki were in pain and tries to hide it from him. It’s torn his heart apart.

Jonghun managed to flash a smile as he caressed his cheek. He told him that he doesn’t need to apologize. Nurse came into the room with a wheelchair after Jonghun told them that Hongki was already conscious.

“We need to do some test” Jonghun explained when Hongki asked what it’s for. Hongki wants to say ‘No need, I already knew the result’, but he knows for sure that Jonghun will definitely force him somehow. He sighed and sat in the wheel chair with Jonghun help. Jonghun never leave him even for a sec when Hongki underwent some test. Hongki exhausted after it was finished, he fell asleep as they’re waiting for the result.

“Hyung?” Jaejin popped up his head. Jonghun glanced at him who is Hongki’s cousin for a sec before he turned back to the sleepy face in front of him. He texted Jaejin that Hongki was brought to Hospital. Jaejin stepped in quietly followed by his step brother Seunghyun.

“How is he?” Jaejin whispered. He came closer to puts his hand on Hongki’s shoulder lightly. Jonghun shook his head. “We still need to wait for the result” Jonghun answered with the same low voice. A nurse knocks the door, she informed that the result is come out already and doctor Kim need to talk in his room.

“I’ll wait here hyung, but please bring Seunghyun with you” Jaejin knew that Jonghun dying to know the result. They knew since the first time that Hongki will be Jonghun’s life. Jonghun just nodded before he left with Seunghyun.

Doctor Kim sat upright as he’s waiting, entwined his fingers above the table. The air filled with uneasiness and discomfort when Jonghun and Seunghyun entered.

“I've seen the results” the doctor broke the silence that growing colder. “It’s really severe. He already entered the final phase for this disease” He said sadly.

“THEN DO SOMETHING!” Jonghun raised his voice.  The doctor’s expression changed, a crease is formed between his eyebrows. He glanced at Seunghyun who sat stiffly for a moment before draw his gaze back to Jonghun.

“I’m sorry” doctor Kim apologized. “Wh-what did you mean by I’m sorry?” he growled. “WHAT DID YOU MEAN?” he shouted as he stood and grabbed the doctor by his collar across the table. Seunghyun also stood, he tried to calm Jonghun, but he ignored him.

“Didn’t you say… he can be cured by a heart transplant?” Jonghun gritted his teeth. “Use mine” Single tear is dripping slowly from Jonghun’s eyes. “Just kill me… and give it…to him” He squeezed his own clothes in the chest. “Please save him” He begged.

Doctor Kim wrapped Jonghun another hand which still at his collar with his warm hand. “We can’t do that. We will try to found the proper donor for him as fast as we can, but with his current condition, possibility for him to survive through the process of surgery is not higher than 50%.”

Jonghun shook his head in disbelieve. “No, it can’t be.  There must be… another way to save him, right?” he pleaded. “I’m sorry. All we can do is giving him some medicine and treatments to delay the full damage.”Jonghun loosened his grip, his hand trembling, unable to accept what he was hearing. A pain is rushing through his heart like being pierced by thousands of needles. His tears rolled straight to the floor as he sank on his knees. His heart aches with pain and sorrow, just the thought he should live without Hongki beside him makes him dying.

Seunghyun knelled beside him, laying his hand on Jonghun shoulder awkwardly. He didn’t know what to say. He reached into Jonghun’s pocket since he seemed didn’t have any intention to pick his phone when it’s rang. He frowned as he saw the number on the screen.

“Hello” He answered. “Seunghyun? Is that you?” Jaejin asked in a low voice. “Where is Jonghun? Are you still in doctor’s office?” Jaejin asked again before Seunghyun could answer the first question. Seunghyun stared at Jonghun who still sat on the floor. Doctor Kim already left to give them some privacy.

“Yeah, we’re still here, why?” Seunghyun asked as his gaze still drifted on Jonghun who stared back at him now. “Alright, we’ll back now” he hung up. “Hyung, Hongki hyung awakened and he’s looking for you” he told him.

“You go first” Jonghun said with hoarse voice as he lowered his head. Seunghyun nodded, he patted Jonghun’s shoulder twice before he left.

Jaejin wait for them in front of Hongki’s room. He walked up to Seunghyun, as soon as he saw him. He is seeking for Jonghun but he wasn’t there. Seunghyun grabbed his arm softly and shook his head. Jaejin realized immediately that the result was not good. Seunghyun pulled him in to hug as tears begin to form in Jaejin’s eyes.

After Jaejin calmed, they back to Hongki’s room. Hongki turned his head. He frowned as Jonghun is nowhere to be seen.”Where is him?” He asked. “He will be here soon” Seunghyun convinced him with a smile.

Hongki looked suspiciously at Jaejin. “Why did you cry?” he accused. Jaejin startled when he heard that, he couldn’t search for an answers.

“You’re awake?” Jonghun came at the right time. He walked toward Hongki and kissed his forehead. “What took you so long?” he asked softly. Jonghun smiled apologetically. “Nothing, my mom called just now.” Hongki can't be fooled. He knows that Jonghun lied to him. Moreover, he saw Jonghun’s eyes were red and puffy same with Jaejin, though he is not as obvious as Jonghun. And since Jonghun came, he had been avoiding his gaze. This certainly because the test results. Hongki sighed. He already knew it will be happen sooner or later.

“Jonghunnie” Hongki asked for Jonghun’s hand. Jonghun grasped Hongki's arm which outstretched toward him. “Yes baby?” Jonghun sat on the plastic chair beside the bed. He lowered his head until his lips brushed Hongki’s hand slightly.

“Take me home” Hongki said exhausted. He feels tired even though he just woke up. Finally Jonghun turned his gaze at Hongki.  “But, you can’t…” Hongki cut him off. “Please baby, I want to go home” Hongki pleaded. “It’s the first time you call me by that name, and you used it to asked a difficult thing” Jonghun sighed. “Alright, I’ll try to talk with the doctor” Hongki nodded lightly.

Doctor Kim Reluctantly allowed him to go home the next day.  They have to put up some equipment in Hongki’s room which it looks like hospital room now. Hongki just lie down on his bed with a frown as his gaze swiveled over his room. He saw mechanical ventilators to assist breathing through an oxygen mask is attached next to the bed. There is more equipment that Hongki doesn’t know its function. He pouts when Jaejin walked in with an IV pole with a digital monitoring system. He's lying there helplessly as a male nurse attached some device on his body. Minhwan in charged to come every day to monitor Hongki’s condition at home and report it to doctor Kim. He is also the person who will manage Hongki’s medicines according to doctor Kim instructions. Jaejin and Seunghyun decided to stay at Hongki’s house, even though Hongki was objected.

Jonghun sat on the edge of Hongki’s bed, holding the plate, and held out a spoon with the other hand as he waiting for Hongki to open up his mouth. Jonghun prop up Hongki's upper body and head on two pillows because he often have difficulty breathing while lying flat.

“I’m done” Hongki demanded. Jonghun sighed as he throws his helpless gaze on Hongki. He put the plate on the table and takes a glass of water, s the straw on Hongki's lips. Hongki take a sip a mouthful then jerked it away. They need to insert the IV in his hand because Hongki could only tolerate mall bites of soft food due to his nausea.

Hongki feels twisting in his stomach, burn his abdomen like fire. He knew he wasn't going to make it to reach the bathroom, he throw up on the floor next to his bed. Jonghun rushed to his side. He lifted up Hongki’s hair and his back gently. Hongki pushed him away, but Jonghun ignored him and keep Hongki’s back. He cleaned Hongki’s mouth softly by a wet tower after Hongki released all the liquid from his stomach.

“Sorry” Hongki murmured quietly as Jonghun help him to lie down again. “It’s alright baby” Jonghun caressed Hongki’s head and flashed his sweet smile. “Take some rest, okay?” Jonghun kisses his forehead. Hongki nodded. “I love you” Hongki smiled before closed his eyes. “I love you too baby” Jonghun whispered.

Jonghun was awakened by the sound of groaning. He lifted his head, surprised as he saw Hongki’s lips were blue on his pale face and his body shaking hardly. Jonghun stood from the armchair which is placed beside Hongki’s bed, He decided not to sleep in the same bed with Hongki because he afraid that it will make Hongki more hurt due to his movement. He rushed to grabbed some blanket and put it on him.

“Hun…I’m… freezing” Hongki cringed, his teeth chattering. Jonghun sat on the edge of his bed and begins to rub Hongki’s cold and pale hand and feet by his hand. He blew out his warm breath as he rubbed it continuously until Hongki is no longer shaking and drifted back to sleep. He leaned down and kissed Hongki’s dry lips, he kissed him long and soft, and when he pulled himself away, a tears sliding down on his face. He wiped it away carelessly before he trying to get back to sleep.

Jonghun often stayed up all night whenever Hongki cold or running a fever. He got thinner and looks older than he should due to tiredness, sunken cheeks, dark circles under the eyes from lack of sleep. He knew that he can asked Jaejin or Seunghyun to help him, they’ll willing to do it, but Jonghun tried to take care Hongki by himself.

As time goes by, the more difficult for Jonghun to handle the pain inside him as he saw Hongki’s body lying in the bed getting weaker and weaker. Jonghun could see the pain that Hongki try to hide, he try to be tough, but the hurt and suffering was visible as Jonghun looked into his eyes.

Jaejin and Seunghyun have to follow additional classes during holidays and just got back. They look at each other in confused as they saw Jonghun sat and laid his back on the wall in front of Hongki’s room with eyes closed.

“Hyung? Why are you sat here?” Jaejin squatted. “Did Minhwan come?” Seunghyun asked. Jonghun opened his eyes slowly and staring at them with his tired eyes. “Yeah, he left just a moment ago” Jonghun mumbled. “Then why are you here?”Jaejin repeated his question. “Hongki kicked me out” Jonghun sighed. Hongki’s emotions become more intense lately. Jonghun often find himself wondering if he’s doing the right thing, saying the right thing, even thinking the right thing.

“What’s wrong this time?” Jaejin frowned. “He asked me to take him out to play snow fight, and then he got angry when I said we can’t” Jonghun told them. They all know that it will not last long until Hongki will forget his anger.

He did forget about his anger, but not the snow. Hongki stared to the window absentmindedly. Jonghun knew how he wanted to go out, to laid his foot on the untouched snow. He knew that Hongki love winter the most, it’s his favorite season. Jonghun was always accompanied him to play snow every winter come, they were throwing snowballs, making a snowman. The sound of Hongki giggled as the snowball crushed when it hit his body still could be heard clearly on his ears. He still could remember clearly Hongki mischievous and happy face as he tossed back to him.

Jonghun dragged a coffee table and put the digital projector on it. He projects the video to the wall across Hongki’s bed. Hongki turned his head to him as Jonghun turn off the light. He sat on the usual armchair before he pressed play button from the remote that he hold. The wall filled by the scenery around Hongki’s house, the footpath in front of the door covered with snow.

Hongki looked at him, his eyes widen. “When did you record this?” He wondered. “I did it yesterday. I’m sorry that I can’t take you out. I hope this could help to cheer you up” Jonghun wished. Hongki tries to sat, tears begin to form in his eyes as his bones and joints ached.  Jonghun stood to help him. He added more pillow behind Hongki’s back.

“I’m the one… who should apologize” Hongki sniffed. Jonghun sat on the edge of his bed as he reached out his hand hesitantly to wiped Hongki’s tears. Hongki held Jonghun’s hand which on his face and put it to his chest. “I asked for impossible thing. I just feel useless… always troubling you.” Hongki begin to sob. Jonghun shook his head and wanted to stop him from said those things, but Hongki didn’t let him.

“I even couldn't walk if I want to go to the bathroom and make you had to carry me. When I found it hard to sit with all hoses and cables which plugged on my body, you’re willing to help me gently just like now. Why did you do that? I didn’t deserve it. I-I…” Hongki’s words were cut off as Jonghun pressed his lips against Hongki.

“I love you” Jonghun whispered against his lips. “It’s because I love you. You're everything to me and that cannot be changed” Jonghun said softly.

Jonghun POV

The corners of his lips curled for an instant. He flashed the sweetest smile that I ever seen. I wondered how he can smile such sweet smiles, when he suffering and in pain. There was one question in crossed my mind, can I smile the same smiles, when my heart cries every time I see him withstand the pain.

He straightened and shifted his body ahead slowly. I put my arms at his brisket to support him. I wondering what he want to do. “Could you sat here and hug me?” he asked as he pointed to his back. I smiled and do what he wants, moving cautiously in order not to make the hoses unplugged. I leaned on pile of pillows, while he laid his back against my chest. I wrapped my arms around his waist and realized that he getting skinnier.

We watch the video silently. It’s currently showing the park that we frequently visit. Everything was covered by a thick white blanket, the grass, benches and trees.

“It’s so beautiful” He sounded amazed. “But that place is much more beautiful” He chuckled weakly. “That’s the most awesome place that I ever seen. The river is so clear that the surface could reflect the trees which left to grow freely on the outskirts, the sky so bright and blue and the flowers dancing merrily in the breeze” He explained.

 “I’m planning to go there later” He said in low voice. “Where is it?” I asked carefully. I felt his shoulders moving in my chest. “I don’t know” He answered. “Can I come along?” he was silent for a moment before he shook his head lightly. “No, you can’t. Not yet.” Silent tears make an escape as I tightened the hug. “When it's time, I'll pick you up to go there” He patted my hand. A sharp pain twist inside my chest when I heard he said he’ll pick me up. Don’t go, don’t leave me. Please just always be near me, stay with me. My heart begged.

“Baby” he called. “Hmm” I mumbled, worried if I say a word, it would break into sob. “Always remember that I love you. You’re the best gift I had received, more than I could imagine” I buried my face in his hair, inhaling deeply. Wish this moment can be last forever.

Third POV

The symptoms become more frequent. Hongki had multiple incidents of shortness of breath lately. His feet and ankle is swelling as blood flow out of the heart slows, blood returning to the heart through the veins backs up, causing fluid to build up in the tissues. His heart rhythm became very irregular. He coughed up blood. The doctor said he has an ejection fraction of less than 20%, which is means his heart ability to pump blood is seriously decreased and he needs an oxygen concentrator to support his respiratory.

Hongki begin to refuse eat at all and refuse to drink as well which make Jonghun getting more frustrated. Hongki was often in a state of semi-conscious, situation where he keeps moaned in pain or he keep mumbling words that can’t be understood, but he was less responsive. Doctor said that he still could hear if someone talks to him in this circumstance, he also told them to prepare themselves for the worst situation.

Hongki grabbed his blanked very tight as his face twisted in pain. He was making horrible groaning and sounds along with the rattle. Jonghun loosened his grip gently and replaced the blanked with his own hand. “Baby” Jonghun called him with shudder voice. The sight tore his heart apart, ripped it to shreds and shattered it. He wants to yell, and let it all out, but instead he keeps it all inside. The pain is too intense that it cannot be summarized in words. Oh Lord please, don't do this to me, I'm begging you to not do this, I can't take this. Jonghun pleaded. He didn’t want to lose Hongki, but he also couldn’t stand to saw him suffering like this.

Jonghun realized that Hongki having very hard time breathing, like his lungs didn't want to take in air but he was trying to make them. Jaejin who stood on the other side of Hongki’s bed were sobbing hardly. Seunghyun put his arm around Jaejin’s shoulder as Jaejin’s head were buried on his chest.

Jonghun wiped away his own tears. A smile crossed slowly on his face as he said “Hongki, you are my great baby. No one could replace you. You’ll remain in my heart forever “Jonghun bring Hongki’s cold and purplish hand which is still entwined with his hand to his lips. Hongki opened his eyes slowly and looked around until he drifted his gaze at Jonghun. He flashed a weak smile to Jonghun who smile back at him. Even though it was killing him inside, he try to make his smile is the last thing that Hongki may see. Even though his heart is hurt like hell, he tries to let go of him, so, Hongki won’t be suffer anymore.

“I have to go…I’m tired” Hongki said in the faintest voice. His labored breathing was reduced to one long gurgle. Jonghun ignored the pain in his chest. “I know baby. Go ahead. You've fight long enough” he caressed Hongki’s damp hair.

Hongki repeated over and over again "I love you", though his speech was hard to understand, Jonghun knew what he was saying. “I love you too baby” Jonghun voice breaking. Hongki’s eyes closed slowly. After a series of short breaths, the painful sound of his breathing became slower and fainter. The heart monitor gave a long whine as the rise and fall of his chest stopped. Jonghun leaned down and kissed Hongki’s pale lips for the last time. “See you later baby” He whispered on his ear as tears run down his face. 

Jonghun come by a couple days later, stood at his grave. He missed him so much. Every time he closed his eyes, Hongki’s face he plainly saw. He pulled out a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket which Jaejin gave it to him this morning. Jaejin said that he found it in one of Hongki clothes.

Jonghun straightened the paper with his palm. His eyes filled with tears when he recognized the handwriting on the paper, although this one was much different and hard to read. The tears started fall as he began to read.

Jonghun wiped his tears determinedly. I will miss you badly, but I promise I won’t cry. I won't forget all our memories. I know you'll always be with me that’s why I’ll continue my life for your sake. I’ll always love you my baby. Hongki was his first and last love, Jonghun never in a relationship since then until he died at the age 89.

“I missed you baby” Was the first sentence that he heard from his lover after some decade.