Ex-Boyfriend | hanajoe
The PROM15E box。// closing downEX-BOYFRIEND BY HANAJOE
TITLE:
DESCRIPTION:
I would divide the Description into two smaller segments – the synopsis and the preview. Let’s start with the synopsis – since it is the very first thing that the reader will read. First, let me state my stand on synopsis. While a synopsis – when done well – creates tension and a churning desire to find out more; when it is not done well, it creates an opposite effect making the story less appealing. Unfortunately, many of times users on AFF fail to grasp the balance that make a synopsis good and tend to go down the second path of exposition.
Your synopsis is teetering along the line and is swaying dangerously into the not-so-good territory. First thing that caught my attention is how long your synopsis is. I would have preferred if you kept it to a single paragraph. The second and third paragraph was slightly too revealing in my personal opinion and would have rather it be condensed and combined with the first paragraph. I would have phrased the latter part as so:
FOREWORD:
Over here, you can see that ‘looked’ (which is bolded) is in past tense. Further down, there is the word ‘can’ (which is also bolded), and unlike ‘looked’ it is in present tense. Since they are both in the same sentence, it would make more sense if the sentence was written this way:
The inconsistencies in the tenses get a tad frustrating while reading as it can cause disruption to the flow and/or cause confusion as a verb in present tense and a verb in past tense has different connotations.
Another thing I would like to point out is that there are certain issues with your phrasing. The first two chapters seemed somewhat fine, but again when you hit the third chapter, things seemed to have just tumbled downhill. While I am completely fine with author’s experimenting different ways to phrase their sentence, it needs to be understandable. For example, in chapter four, there was this sentence near the end of the chapter:
FLOW:
Although your story was littered with dialogues, the flow was not very good. And the main reason was because of how awkward the dialogues feel. I guess in a way, you either have it or you don’t when it comes to dialogues. Like a fellow author once commented on how much she could not write dialogues. A well written dialogue elevates the story and breathes life into the story. However, if a dialogue is poorly/awkwardly written, there is where trouble sets in; and that was what had happened in your case.
While the poor mechanics had a part to play, the dialogue will have to take the plunge on this one here.
WRITING STYLE:
Not commenting on this one as the author is too weak to establish a style of writing.
REVIEWER'S COMMENT:
In general, I do feel that you have a plot in mind – which is a good start. However, the plot was just not fantabulous. It was… well simple. But you had a structure and seemed to know where your story is going, which is commendable. Currently, I probably will not encourage you to devote too much time into thinking how to spice the story up as that should not be your priority. What I feel that you should work on now are your fundamentals. Cut down on the use of such elaborate sentence structures and stick to the common few. Practise writing them until you are familiar with how to use them.
Also work a lot on your grammar – especially tenses and conjugation. Remember important conjugation rules like ‘Dummy Do’ and the rule that governs verbs following a modal. It will help you a lot. I do not see much of an issue with your vocabulary choice.
Right now, you should focus on the text of the story and not so much on its plot. Once you have grasped the basics, it is easier to present a more intricate storyline to your audience.
Also, if your work has already been beta-ed, you may want to consider engaging the help of a different beta-reader.
- kloh-ay (freelance reviewer helping to complete current requests)
TITLE:
Originality: I would perhaps say that this is not the MOST original title available; however the simplicity of the title seems to be its selling point. It is short, sharp and sweet.
Relevance: Unable to comment due to the story being ongoing.
Appropriateness: The title is definitely age-appropriate.
Appearance: No comments on spelling – the words used were pretty basic – and the hyphen was duly injected. If I could just comment, I would much prefer if a ‘the’ was included before the word. I just feel that it completes the title a little more. But then again, if you added ‘the’, you must as well just omit the ‘boyfriend’ and keep the title as ‘The Ex’.
Better yet, why not just leave the title as ‘X’? Just some food for your thought. Titles need not be straightforward, exercise some freedom and be a little more flexible in your thinking.
Memorability: It is fairly easy to remember the title considering that it is rather short. ‘ExBoyfriend’ though sounds a little more on the boring side for me and if memorability was about me remembering that such a story exists, I probably will not place my bet on it. The simplicity, well is a fair enough charm, lacks something. And that something is not something that can be easily explained. It is very much intuitive and I’m sure it will grow on you as you become more and more experienced in writing. Something that could perhaps be a synonym would be ‘rhythm’. But then again, do not quote me.
Relevance: Unable to comment due to the story being ongoing.
Appropriateness: The title is definitely age-appropriate.
Appearance: No comments on spelling – the words used were pretty basic – and the hyphen was duly injected. If I could just comment, I would much prefer if a ‘the’ was included before the word. I just feel that it completes the title a little more. But then again, if you added ‘the’, you must as well just omit the ‘boyfriend’ and keep the title as ‘The Ex’.
Better yet, why not just leave the title as ‘X’? Just some food for your thought. Titles need not be straightforward, exercise some freedom and be a little more flexible in your thinking.
Memorability: It is fairly easy to remember the title considering that it is rather short. ‘ExBoyfriend’ though sounds a little more on the boring side for me and if memorability was about me remembering that such a story exists, I probably will not place my bet on it. The simplicity, well is a fair enough charm, lacks something. And that something is not something that can be easily explained. It is very much intuitive and I’m sure it will grow on you as you become more and more experienced in writing. Something that could perhaps be a synonym would be ‘rhythm’. But then again, do not quote me.
PRESENTATION:
Font wise, I think you stuck to pretty standard writing font – like Georgia and Arial. Font size wise, I found it a little too big for my liking. But hey, it means easier reading and for my tired eyes, it was a treat. However, I would perhaps suggest a font size of 12 and nothing bigger. Yours seem like a font 14.
When it comes to formatting, I have slight issues with how your dialogues are in bold. I can understand when your thoughts are italicized as they are not sandwiched between inverted commas, however for the dialogues; they are in between inverted commas. Hence, it is not necessary for you to bold them as people can easily identify that they are speech bubbles.
Why I’m saying this is because authors tend to bold things that we want to emphasize on or perhaps show that it is something that enhances the story aesthetics (like song lyrics, poem stanzas, famous quotes etc.). Therefore the loose use of the bold function may not be a very wise choice as it is no longer something that screams ‘pay attention to me’. Another thing is that while it is commonly accepted for authors to italicize the characters’ thought, do not exclude the inverted commas. When you are writing with pen and paper, there is no way you can italicize your words. Hence, it is good practice to include inverted commas.
Paragraph wise, it is very neat and the spaces are even making the story seem not as cramp. One thing that I want to point out is that there was a font change from chapter 2 to chapter 3. Not a humongous thing, but the lack of consistency makes my OCD side a little peeved.
And if I may refer to chapter 3, you have used a drop cap, which is really good. It shows off a lot of professionalism on your part and gives the story a better overall look. My only complaint is that it seems that only chapter 3 has this feature. Chapter 1, 2 and 4 onwards al do not have a drop cap. Only chapter 3 had it. I’m not saying that having drop cap is no good – do not get me wrong. I am impressed by its use; however it should have been implemented consistently throughout the story.
Font wise, I think you stuck to pretty standard writing font – like Georgia and Arial. Font size wise, I found it a little too big for my liking. But hey, it means easier reading and for my tired eyes, it was a treat. However, I would perhaps suggest a font size of 12 and nothing bigger. Yours seem like a font 14.
When it comes to formatting, I have slight issues with how your dialogues are in bold. I can understand when your thoughts are italicized as they are not sandwiched between inverted commas, however for the dialogues; they are in between inverted commas. Hence, it is not necessary for you to bold them as people can easily identify that they are speech bubbles.
Why I’m saying this is because authors tend to bold things that we want to emphasize on or perhaps show that it is something that enhances the story aesthetics (like song lyrics, poem stanzas, famous quotes etc.). Therefore the loose use of the bold function may not be a very wise choice as it is no longer something that screams ‘pay attention to me’. Another thing is that while it is commonly accepted for authors to italicize the characters’ thought, do not exclude the inverted commas. When you are writing with pen and paper, there is no way you can italicize your words. Hence, it is good practice to include inverted commas.
Paragraph wise, it is very neat and the spaces are even making the story seem not as cramp. One thing that I want to point out is that there was a font change from chapter 2 to chapter 3. Not a humongous thing, but the lack of consistency makes my OCD side a little peeved.
And if I may refer to chapter 3, you have used a drop cap, which is really good. It shows off a lot of professionalism on your part and gives the story a better overall look. My only complaint is that it seems that only chapter 3 has this feature. Chapter 1, 2 and 4 onwards al do not have a drop cap. Only chapter 3 had it. I’m not saying that having drop cap is no good – do not get me wrong. I am impressed by its use; however it should have been implemented consistently throughout the story.
DESCRIPTION:
I would divide the Description into two smaller segments – the synopsis and the preview. Let’s start with the synopsis – since it is the very first thing that the reader will read. First, let me state my stand on synopsis. While a synopsis – when done well – creates tension and a churning desire to find out more; when it is not done well, it creates an opposite effect making the story less appealing. Unfortunately, many of times users on AFF fail to grasp the balance that make a synopsis good and tend to go down the second path of exposition.
Your synopsis is teetering along the line and is swaying dangerously into the not-so-good territory. First thing that caught my attention is how long your synopsis is. I would have preferred if you kept it to a single paragraph. The second and third paragraph was slightly too revealing in my personal opinion and would have rather it be condensed and combined with the first paragraph. I would have phrased the latter part as so:
“[…] One day, Kyungsoo returned home to find his sister with her boyfriend in her arms. With her stained lips smashed against her boyfriend’s full lips, he is reminded of their passion, their sweet whisperings, and their love.”
Both the above two sentences and the synopsis presents the same fact, however the feel is a tad different. While the synopsis was very directly hinting that Kyungsoo sister’s boyfriend is Kai, the suggestion is leaving room for possibilities that it is NOT Kai. Hence, even though we are both presenting the same level of information, I am able to retain some tension.
Now on to the preview segment; I think the preview segment is quite well written. Only thing that is bordering me is the length. I would have personally enjoyed it more if it was a tad shorter. Remember that this is a preview, not a prologue. It should not be so long that it seems like a mini-chapter.
Now on to the preview segment; I think the preview segment is quite well written. Only thing that is bordering me is the length. I would have personally enjoyed it more if it was a tad shorter. Remember that this is a preview, not a prologue. It should not be so long that it seems like a mini-chapter.
FOREWORD:
N/A
WRITING MECHANICS:
WRITING MECHANICS:
While the mechanics of your writing seemed fairly stable in the first two chapters, it spiralled downhill from the third chapter on. Firstly was the overuse of contractions. If you are unsure what contractions are, they are words like won’t, couldn’t, I’m, I’ve, etc. Basically, two words combined together. Typically, they are used within dialogues and should not be seen outside of those two inverted commas. As this is fanfiction, we may be a little lenient and permit some of their usage in written texts. However, one should never overdo it and make contractions a norm in the written text.
Secondly, you have rather obvious problem in your tenses. There will be times where the first half of the sentence would be written in present tense, and the latter half is written in past tense. An example that I will pull out to your attention is in chapter 5, the fourth paragraph:
Secondly, you have rather obvious problem in your tenses. There will be times where the first half of the sentence would be written in present tense, and the latter half is written in past tense. An example that I will pull out to your attention is in chapter 5, the fourth paragraph:
“His face looked so sad and Kyungsoo can see the pain in his eyes.”
Over here, you can see that ‘looked’ (which is bolded) is in past tense. Further down, there is the word ‘can’ (which is also bolded), and unlike ‘looked’ it is in present tense. Since they are both in the same sentence, it would make more sense if the sentence was written this way:
“His face looked so sad and Kyungsoo could see the pain in his eyes.”
The inconsistencies in the tenses get a tad frustrating while reading as it can cause disruption to the flow and/or cause confusion as a verb in present tense and a verb in past tense has different connotations.
Another thing I would like to point out is that there are certain issues with your phrasing. The first two chapters seemed somewhat fine, but again when you hit the third chapter, things seemed to have just tumbled downhill. While I am completely fine with author’s experimenting different ways to phrase their sentence, it needs to be understandable. For example, in chapter four, there was this sentence near the end of the chapter:
“[…] someone that you loved for almost four years, broke up with you for just a day and he found someone else for just a month.”
Pardon me, but I am completely confused with that sentence and do not even want to attempt deciphering it.
Overall, it seems that you are pretty weak in writing on your own. Considering how you have three beta-readers, I have honestly expected something better. The first two chapters were fine, third chapter was a little unsteady – but still fine, however from the fourth chapter on; I’m flabbergasted at how the quality just dropped. I’m really curious to know if your later chapters are beta-ed. If they have been, I can honestly tell you that those betas are not doing their job.
Overall, it seems that you are pretty weak in writing on your own. Considering how you have three beta-readers, I have honestly expected something better. The first two chapters were fine, third chapter was a little unsteady – but still fine, however from the fourth chapter on; I’m flabbergasted at how the quality just dropped. I’m really curious to know if your later chapters are beta-ed. If they have been, I can honestly tell you that those betas are not doing their job.
CHARACTERISATION:
Although you have spent a lot of time delving into Kyungsoo’s mind, thought and (a tad of his) actions, I’m still quite unsure of who Kyungsoo really is. Sure, I know he and his boyfriend (Kai) broke up, but that’s really all I know. Why on earth is he living on his own when his father’s house is like a five minute drive away from his own (inferred from chapter 6)? Also, why on earth is Soojung so hostile to Kyungsoo? Why is the siblings mother dead? How did she die? When did she die? Okay, let’s not talk so much about Kyungsoo and his family/relationship problems. Let’s talk about Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo is in high school right? Well, what school does he attend? What lessons does he attend? Well, I pretty much know nuts about Kyungsoo. All I know about Kyungsoo is that he and Kai broke up; he can’t get over it and is grieving over his lost. End of story. What I am really curious to know is how Kyungsoo is when he is not all over Kai. He definitely has a life that does not revolve around Kai, and that is what I am keener in. Not this bawling kid who can’t get over a breakup.
Chanyeol, while I thought was at least slightly better than Kyungsoo, really disappointed me when it came to him finding out that he love Kyungsoo. I understand that you do not exactly know WHY you fall in love with someone, but at least some guesses? Like I know why I am going literally insane over my crush. I mean he’s handsome, he has a beautiful smile – like literally the biggest most genuine smile ever, he loves kid – adore them, and is really good with them, he has this big heart that forgives and accepts, he is constantly finding things to be grateful about, and more importantly I like him so much because he paid attention to me when I was a literal nobody. And FYI, I only knew this wonderful man just this year? And I already know why on earth I am so madly infatuated with him. How can Chanyeol, who have known him for years to not even know why he loves Kyungsoo? Is this acceptable? I do not think so.
Although you have spent a lot of time delving into Kyungsoo’s mind, thought and (a tad of his) actions, I’m still quite unsure of who Kyungsoo really is. Sure, I know he and his boyfriend (Kai) broke up, but that’s really all I know. Why on earth is he living on his own when his father’s house is like a five minute drive away from his own (inferred from chapter 6)? Also, why on earth is Soojung so hostile to Kyungsoo? Why is the siblings mother dead? How did she die? When did she die? Okay, let’s not talk so much about Kyungsoo and his family/relationship problems. Let’s talk about Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo is in high school right? Well, what school does he attend? What lessons does he attend? Well, I pretty much know nuts about Kyungsoo. All I know about Kyungsoo is that he and Kai broke up; he can’t get over it and is grieving over his lost. End of story. What I am really curious to know is how Kyungsoo is when he is not all over Kai. He definitely has a life that does not revolve around Kai, and that is what I am keener in. Not this bawling kid who can’t get over a breakup.
Chanyeol, while I thought was at least slightly better than Kyungsoo, really disappointed me when it came to him finding out that he love Kyungsoo. I understand that you do not exactly know WHY you fall in love with someone, but at least some guesses? Like I know why I am going literally insane over my crush. I mean he’s handsome, he has a beautiful smile – like literally the biggest most genuine smile ever, he loves kid – adore them, and is really good with them, he has this big heart that forgives and accepts, he is constantly finding things to be grateful about, and more importantly I like him so much because he paid attention to me when I was a literal nobody. And FYI, I only knew this wonderful man just this year? And I already know why on earth I am so madly infatuated with him. How can Chanyeol, who have known him for years to not even know why he loves Kyungsoo? Is this acceptable? I do not think so.
PLOT:
With where you are going, this is definitely not going to be an original plot. I do not think I need to explain why it is lacking in originality.
With where you are going, this is definitely not going to be an original plot. I do not think I need to explain why it is lacking in originality.
FLOW:
Although your story was littered with dialogues, the flow was not very good. And the main reason was because of how awkward the dialogues feel. I guess in a way, you either have it or you don’t when it comes to dialogues. Like a fellow author once commented on how much she could not write dialogues. A well written dialogue elevates the story and breathes life into the story. However, if a dialogue is poorly/awkwardly written, there is where trouble sets in; and that was what had happened in your case.
While the poor mechanics had a part to play, the dialogue will have to take the plunge on this one here.
WRITING STYLE:
Not commenting on this one as the author is too weak to establish a style of writing.
OVERALL ENJOYMENT:
Overall, I would say that while the story is not the best that I have read, it is certainly not the worst. I would however not return to read this story. It was tilting a lot to the bland side – the characters lacked lustre and the plot was terribly weak and unappealing. It is definitely not a story that suits my drama-loving taste buds.
Overall, I would say that while the story is not the best that I have read, it is certainly not the worst. I would however not return to read this story. It was tilting a lot to the bland side – the characters lacked lustre and the plot was terribly weak and unappealing. It is definitely not a story that suits my drama-loving taste buds.
REVIEWER'S COMMENT:
In general, I do feel that you have a plot in mind – which is a good start. However, the plot was just not fantabulous. It was… well simple. But you had a structure and seemed to know where your story is going, which is commendable. Currently, I probably will not encourage you to devote too much time into thinking how to spice the story up as that should not be your priority. What I feel that you should work on now are your fundamentals. Cut down on the use of such elaborate sentence structures and stick to the common few. Practise writing them until you are familiar with how to use them.
Also work a lot on your grammar – especially tenses and conjugation. Remember important conjugation rules like ‘Dummy Do’ and the rule that governs verbs following a modal. It will help you a lot. I do not see much of an issue with your vocabulary choice.
Right now, you should focus on the text of the story and not so much on its plot. Once you have grasped the basics, it is easier to present a more intricate storyline to your audience.
Also, if your work has already been beta-ed, you may want to consider engaging the help of a different beta-reader.
- kloh-ay (freelance reviewer helping to complete current requests)
SHOP'S NOTE:
WE ARE SORRY FOR THE WAIT! (DO NOTE THAT WE ARE UNABLE TO FOLLOW UP THIS REVIEW FOR A GRADED ONE AS SHOP IS CLOSING)
KLOH-AY IS NOT OUR STAFF BUT A FREELANCE HELPING OUT. CLICK HER USERNAME TO GO TO HER PROFILE.
SHOP'S RULES:
WE ARE SORRY FOR THE WAIT! (DO NOTE THAT WE ARE UNABLE TO FOLLOW UP THIS REVIEW FOR A GRADED ONE AS SHOP IS CLOSING)
KLOH-AY IS NOT OUR STAFF BUT A FREELANCE HELPING OUT. CLICK HER USERNAME TO GO TO HER PROFILE.
SHOP'S RULES:
FIVE } CREDIT YOUR REVIEWER AND PROVIDE LINK BACK TO THE SHOP UNDER YOUR DESCRIPTION OR FOREWORD.
EIGHT } WE HOPE THAT YOU CAN COMMENT ON YOUR OPINION ABOUT YOUR REVIEW. THE REVIEWER DID THEIR BEST FOR EVERY REVIEW AND DO NOT WISH TO JUST GET 'THANKS FOR THE REVIEW' AS A FEEDBACK. THEY HOPE TO GET FEEDBACKS FOR IMPROVEMENT TOO.
UPVOTE IS APPRECIATED.
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