Jessica doesn’t know how they do it. Doesn’t know how anybody does it so easily to wake up, eat breakfast and go on throughout the day like it’s a piece of cake. For all she knows, it’s always been hard for her to do those things, to smile and sing and not feel a thing. She feels like a marionette tied on strings, controlled by a higher power, making decisions for her, telling her to do this and that. She’s a grown up for Christ’s sake and it doesn’t seem to amount to anything. Nothing.

One should be happy for all the fame, money and love she’s getting but it doesn’t matter at all because she’s not happy. No, not uncontented, just sad. It was tiring to stand in front of people, being praised and be highly respected and not feel a thing. Jessica wonders when things will ever change.

Jessica doesn’t concern herself when new people come in and out in the industry. It doesn’t faze her when this boy band enters and they’re extremely talented, handsome and unique from the bunch. So when it was announced she would have a duet with the band’s leader, she cared much little for she had done duets before. Small wonder, even for her. When the time came for recording the song, Jessica is still unfazed, seating on the couch outside the booth, waiting for the boy to appear. When he does, he is greeting, bowing and smiling to everyone, and lastly to her.

“Hello.” He cheerfully greets, shy and quiet. She nods in acknowledgement. They spend singing over a few hours in recording and when they finish, the staff invites the two out for a celebration dinner. A “no thank you” is ready to escape on her lips but someone pulls her arm and she’s been dragged away all too quickly.

It’s not like Jessica minds, she doesn’t, but she isn’t any mood to be around company as usual but hey—no one can deny free food. While they wait for samyupsal, she occupies herself with her phone, messaging, replying to a couple of people. A nudge interrupts her and she turns to glare at the person, t find her duet partner looking anxious and lost. Should she even mind to say anything?

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to disturb you. They were trying to make me drink.” He states, nibbling on his lower lip. “Please go back to your business.” He urges. Instead of doing what he suggested (and what she would normally do even if he didn’t suggest it) she puts her phone at the table and look at him.

“You don’t drink?”

Onew shakes his head. “N-no.”

“Why?”

“What?”

She is irritated by his dimness. Was he really 2^nd in his entire school, it doesn’t seem like so? How she knows of this isn’t important because it isn’t really relevant but if you must know, she heard it from Jonghyun telling him off Yesung. She snaps. “Why don’t you drink?”

“Do I need a reason to?” He replies, furrowing his brows. Does he need a reason to? Of course not, why would he explain himself to her anyway? She’s not like she’s important and they aren’t close, so Jessica shrugs, backs away and returns on fiddling with her phone. Why did she ask him in the first place anyway? Out of boredom maybe or curiosity? Ugh.

After a few minutes of silence and Jessica has lost all her interest, Jinki answers with a sigh. “It’s because I’m a bad drinker and I would usually squirm things out of my mouth. Embarrassing things.” He eyes her as he says the last words. She raises her brows. A while ago she found herself uninterested and now she is again. It’s weird. She’s not usually like that. “Oh, okay.” She replies in courtesy. It’s quiet and terribly awkward. Jessica isn’t rejecting awkwardness nor is she welcoming it so she seats this one out until he breaks the silence.

“How about you?”

Her? What about her? “I’m bad with people.” She knows that too well how she never gets along with others properly. It’s her. She’s the problem. And she knows. She always does.

“Do you tend to hit people when you’re drunk?” Onew asks, a little too afraid.

“What?” Now she’s the confused one. She gapes, and slowly, she understands what he meant to say. He isn’t asking about the things she’s bad at but at her drinking habits. She feels silly and embarrassed. “None at all.” She whispers when their food arrives.

Jessica finds herself drawn to the boy seating across her with his sunshine smile and jokes that aren’t really funny but manages to make people laugh. Drinks come in and everyone suggests for her to drink, even her manager, so she does, swallowing the cup in one shot and is surprised to see Onew grinning at her like a puppy. He smells of alcohol. “Hi.” He takes a deep sniff at her and giggles. “You smell good.” She glares at him curiously.  “Your eyes are pretty.”

“Umm, okay?” Jessica stares at her cup. The booze is making her dizzy but she’s not completely drunk. Onew scoots closer to her and she glances up to her manager, who’s busy flirting with her stylist and then to Onew’s manager, already passed out in the corner. No one seems to be minding them. Onew’ swaying from side to side like a little kid, staring at the fancy light up in the ceiling. “You know… you’re nice.”

He’s drunk but maybe he can entertain her for a while so she places her chin onto her palm and her attention is on him. “What makes you say that?”

His ears redden at her sudden shift of attention and he immediately covers his it from embarrassment. She thinks it’s cute.

“People think I’m a . How does that sound to your ears? I’m generally one of the most hated people amongst the idols. You’re probably one of them too.” She says, a sad smile playing on her lips.

“Me? No-no-no! I like you Jessica-ssi. You’re beautiful and you have this amazing and angelic voice. It’s an honor to be with you, your majesty.”

Jessica chuckles. Yeah, he’s drunk alright. “But you don’t know me Onew. Don’t know what you’re saying.”

“But I do! I do! I do! I always watch you so-so I would know. I know~” He sing songs. “You’re really the best for me.” He grins and Jessica can’t help but melt inside. He’s said so many kind words to her and it’s her first time hearing that from someone who doesn’t really know her. And the fact that his last statement meant two things feels nice. He’s drunk, her inner mind says. Says so himself. Don’t trust him hun. You know what happened the last time. Ah yes, the last time had taught her well enough to not deal with this stuff but it doesn’t stop her heart from fluttering every time Onew had this sunny smile on his lips and her own tilting on the side.

Jessica doesn’t remember how they got there. It’s all haze and fancy lights before Onew and her ended up in the beach, sitting and waiting for the sun to show up. She’s sleepy and her head is killing her but the sand between her toes and an oversized jacket draped over her shoulders make everything better. Not to mention the boy, reeking of alcohol, rambling about noises coming from Minho’s and Taemin’s room when they’re alone. It’s weird and Jessica wonders what he means. He’s drunk, or at least she thinks he is. She can’t tell.

“I can’t believe I’m sitting here with you!” Onew giggles like a five year-old and it makes her snicker. He’s like a puppy. “I mean, you’re like— like the ice princess! And I’m—I am—”

“Drunk. That’s what you are!” She supplies him the word and they both laugh until tears start forming and stomachs hurt. Jessica glances over him. His caramel hair is messy and some are sticking out, eyes swollen and in need of sleep, cheeks red from beer and his smile—it’s beautiful. She doesn’t even to see the sun rise because it’s right in front of her in human form. Onew turns his head, catches her and smiles. She finds herself smiling despite her mind and body and every particle of her protesting and she bites her lip when he leans closer until there’s no proximity at all and then—

He’ll fool you. You’ll get hurt.

She pulls out. Her stomach churns.

“What’s wrong?” Onew murmurs, frowning.

“Nothing. Let’s go back. Our managers would kill us.” She says, not looking at him only standing up, dusting sand off her pants along with the night and whatever happened today. For a while, Onew doesn’t say anything and it scares her somehow.

“I don’t get it Jess. I don’t understand anything about you.” He finally says but he’s staring at the sand, like it’s going to reply. “You act like a total around everyone but then last night and a few hours ago you were kind and warm until now… Who is the real you?”

Jessica snorts, holding the laughter and anger down . She’s being judged again, isn’t she? She shouldn’t have expected, shouldn’t have thought he was different because he’s not. He’s the same like everyone else. And what is he talking about anyway? Warm and kind? Her? The real Jessica is the ice princess, who doesn’t smile, doesn’t melt, isn’t positive. He’s talking nonsense. “It’s the alcohol Onew. It’s getting on to you. Come on, I’ll take you back.” She helps him to his feet but doesn’t move and he’s heavy.

“It’s not anything! It’s you! You’re confusing me! I just want to know who you really are.”

“Who I really am? I’m Jung Jessica, SNSD’s Ice Princess! I’m rude and cold and a like everyone says! Surely you’ve heard?” She tries to laugh it off but it still hurts her. “What’s so hard to understand about that?”

“No you’re not!” You’re not like what they say! You smile and laugh. You care for your members and you care what people say about you!” Onew’s up now, peering at her with those soft brown eyes, scanning her face. “What’re you so afraid of?”

They go home together despite the tension lingering around them. Jessica sits at the far right corner while Onew on the opposite end. He says something when she gets off but she doesn’t say anything back, doesn’t hear anything else but her aching heart.

What is she so afraid of he asks? Is there anything? She doesn’t know. Maybe. She won’t admit it. It will only make her look like a weakling and a fragile girl. If she… if she opens up, if she tries to show Onew her heart, he’ll just break it. He’ll break her into millions of pieces and leave her picking and putting it back all on her own. She doesn’t want to go back to those nights, those dark and lonely nights she had spent a long time ago. No more tears need to be shed for someone else. She would rather stay at one corner, trusting only herself.