someone asked me to write a story,
ink sketched across fading paper like
ebony scars and runes twined in rhythms
of falling raindrops lighting against
the horizon of smoke and lost dreams -
i said that stories are intangible ideas
just like wisps of smoke and lost dreams

Sunggyu tried to fly once, spreading his arms out into the wind and closing his eyes as his hair whipped around and brushed against his forehead. He didn’t jump that time, because at the last moment he opened his eyes, stared down at the ground below, and realized that his pounding heart and the sick feeling that was starting to spread in his stomach wasn’t as evident of freedom as he had imagined.

It frightened him. There was something about the stark, unrelenting face of death that suddenly jumped out in front of him that caused Sunggyu to step back and reconsider the beauty of freefalling through the air. He hadn’t considered the possibility of dying, only the possibility of feeling the world spin underneath him like he had wings. Flying had suddenly lost its gilded edge of fascination.

He took a hesitant step back.

The new transfer student’s name was Nam Woohyun, and he had long eyelashes and dark eyes that seemed to follow Sunggyu as he stood in front of the class and introduced himself. Something about him reminded Sunggyu of losing his balance and plummeting into the unknown with no one to hold him back, and he wondered if this was what flying really felt like.

“Kim Sunggyu,” he said softly when the transfer student sat next to him and gave him a searching look—not questioning or curious, just waiting. Woohyun nodded and turned away, leaving something unspoken between the two of them, and Sunggyu thought of being pulled back from the brink and warm hands.  

They didn’t speak again until the final bell of the school day, when Sunggyu was turning around the corner in front of the school. Woohyun seemed to have been waiting for him the entire time, for he stopped leaning against the entrance gate as Sunggyu passed by and caught up to him, their footsteps matching as they walked together down the street.

“The cherry blossoms in Seoul are nice.” Woohyun’s voice was quiet as he gazed at the drifting petals fluttering in the breeze. Spring was always a soft, warm caress soothing away the harsh, angry blister of winter. Sunggyu merely nodded.

Woohyun walked away at the intersection of two streets before the street Sunggyu lived on, not glancing back as he made his way through the crowd of pedestrians milling about and disappeared from sight, brand new school uniform fading away from its sharp creases into dull monotony—more a fleeting memory than a person.  

The cherry blossoms in Seoul were nice, Sunggyu suddenly noticed, watching them settle onto the sidewalk, covering the world in a pale blanket of possibilities. 

Class assignment: write a paragraph expressing how you felt during one of the happiest moments of your life. Sunggyu nearly ripped off the edge of the paper as he folded it back and forth, crumpling the corners and wrinkling the lines as he paused his fingers over the blank expanse underneath, pen lightly dotting black spots across whenever he was too careless with his musings.

“You’re actually taking this seriously?” For a split second, Woohyun was much too close, breath tickling the back of Sunggyu’s neck as he bent over, the heat of his proximity burning into Sunggyu’s skin. “Personally, I think all these assignments are bull. No one cares about the happiest moment of your life.”

Sunggyu turned slightly, waiting until Woohyun leaned away and the world stopped spinning under his feet. “You’re never going to get anything out of these assignments if you don’t take them seriously. And everyone has a happiest moment of their life.”

“But no one gives a damn about”—Woohyun reached over and snatched away Sunggyu’s crammed scribbles, squinting his eyes to decipher them—“the time you were sitting by yourself on a rainy afternoon and reading a stack of novels. Because that’s not life. These assignments don’t have any meaning. Do you really think your life is a story?”

“What do you mean?” Maybe Sunggyu was imagining it, but the look Woohyun gave him reminded him of the feeling of falling, wind brushing against his hair, warm hands pulling him back.

But “don’t believe too much in stories” was all Woohyun replied with, and Sunggyu found himself staring down at the ink dripping off his pen, black marks bleeding into the paper.

Woohyun had this way of blending into the background, hooded jacket and jeans, sneakered feet crossed against each other as he leaned lazily against the entrance gate every afternoon when Sunggyu walked by on his way home, just another picture of a teenage boy listening to music on his earphones, waiting for something (or maybe someone).

They usually walked in silence, watching the cherry blossoms fall around them, petal by petal, flower by flower—spring was always a soft, warm caress soothing away the harsh, angry blister of winter but Sunggyu couldn’t help but wonder if it was more like watching a life disappear, slowly fading away petal by petal, flower by flower.

“Let’s get something to eat.”

Woohyun pulled him off the sidewalk into a small shop at the side, one that they passed daily but Sunggyu had never paid attention to. He had barely any time to get over his initial surprise that Woohyun had spoken before he found himself at the counter staring up at a menu for ice cream.

He might have ordered something as Woohyun bought a chocolate and vanilla swirl, but before he knew it, they were sitting across from each other at a table, Woohyun watching him expressionlessly as he spun his spoon around between his fingers.

So Sunggyu began the conversation. “I don’t think you took me to eat ice cream just for the sake of ice cream.”

“I like ice cream. And you should eat yours before it melts. Melted ice cream doesn’t taste good.” Woohyun glanced pointedly at the bowl in front of Sunggyu until Sunggyu started eating mechanically, not bothering to taste what he was eating.

“Why are you doing this?” Sunggyu finally asked, tired of spooning ice cream into his mouth as Woohyun’s stare bored holes into him.

“Doing what?”

“Everything.” Sunggyu waved his spoon around as if his gesture could encompass everything he was trying to say. “We almost never say anything to each other, yet I feel like we’re always together. What’s so interesting about me? Other than that day when we first – ” He choked the words down, memories of warm hands and the feeling of falling pressed tightly against his throat, forcing his thoughts back. “Why?”

“Because you’re lost.” Woohyun twisted his spoon around his ice cream, chocolate and vanilla smearing into each other like someone had decided to use a paper towel to clean up a painting. “You read stories and you feel like life should be a story, but it’s not. So that’s why you’re interesting.”

There was something in Woohyun’s expression as he looked up as Sunggyu—not quite sorrow, but it made Sunggyu feel like he was watching a slow, simmering spiral of destruction barely contained. He shook his head and reached over to stop Woohyun from twisting his spoon another turn. “No. You’re the one who’s lost.”

Woohyun gave him a half smile, somewhat begrudgingly. “We’re both lost.”

Cherry blossoms faded into summer leaves brushing by in light breezes carried by the ocean, past strikingly blue skies and fluttering through Sunggyu’s hair as he stood on the sidewalk with Woohyun. After spring and cherry blossoms came summer and after summer came autumn, fallen spectacles of what was once there. And after autumn came winter—

They said summer was the time for love, but summer never lasted forever before winter came and stole it away.

“Winter is cold and lonely, isn’t it,” Woohyun remarked as they parted ways that afternoon, the horizon shimmering in the heat in a mirage of false promises and possibilities. “I’d rather have summer all year long.”

“Summer’s too hot,” Sunggyu said absentmindedly, as he stepped back to leave. “Anyways, it’s not that bad. As long as you wait, summer always comes back.” Summer’s too hot, when warm hands and flying made Sunggyu nearly sick with the vertigo in the heat.

“Would you wait, then?” Woohyun took a step towards him, his eyes dark and unreadable as he leaned in so closely that his breath fluttered against Sunggyu’s skin, whispers and secrets sinking through Sunggyu’s thoughts and mind.

“Wait? For summer?” But Woohyun wasn’t talking about summer, Sunggyu was sure, or maybe he was—but a different summer, a summer that could last forever only in dreams.

“Yeah. Summer, I guess.” But Woohyun was already kissing him, and Sunggyu grasped Woohyun’s jacket maybe a little too tightly, head swimming, feeling as if he let go he would fall, and this time, no one would be there to catch him if he couldn’t fly.

Their kiss tasted a little like summer.

Woohyun always said Sunggyu had the bad habit of laughing shakily and nervously whenever Woohyun tried to get him to follow him places, but Sunggyu couldn’t tell him that it was because he couldn’t shake off the feeling that summer was going to end soon.

“I wonder what it feels like to fall in love,” he mumbled sleepily as they sat by the edge of the lake, watching the sun’s dying rays scatter across the surface of the water, infinite glimpses of light racing in their sight.

“What is love?” Woohyun answered after a few moments of silence, and the fading sunlight caught onto his hair, seemingly lighting it on fire. Sunggyu shrugged and reached up to press his hand against Woohyun’s chest.

“Do you think love ever goes away? Disappears? Fades?”

“Maybe.” Woohyun’s voice was quiet, and he refused to meet Sunggyu’s eyes. The sun set, extinguishing itself in a burst of glorious flame.

“Do you love me?”

For a few moments, all he heard was silence, but then Woohyun’s voice whispered, “I’m transferring schools. I’m moving away in two days.”

“Where?”

“Far, far away.”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

But Woohyun had already hung up.

The day Sunggyu tried to fly, someone pulled him abruptly back from the edge and he found himself staring into dark eyes and long eyelashes, the face of a boy he had never seen before. Probably a new transfer student, Sunggyu thought hazily, catching sight of the brand new, ironed and pressed uniform he was wearing.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” the boy asked sharply, his hands still clenched around Sunggyu’s arm, expression dark. “Were you trying to jump?”

Flying always comes with vertigo, the reckless sense of rushing headlong into the dizzying unknown, a loss of breath and gripping fear. Sunggyu took a sharp intake of air and realized this boy made him feel more vertigo than flying could ever induce.  

“I didn’t want to die,” he murmured, and the boy’s expression softened a fraction, eyes blazing less in anger.

“Most people realize they don’t.” The implied meaning of and it was a good thing I was there in time to save you weighed heavily in his tone.

“No, I never meant to die in the first place,” Sunggyu replied quietly, “because I only wanted to fly. Like a story.”

“Flying. A story.” It wasn’t accusatory or disbelieving, merely a whisper of acquiesce. The boy’s hands were warm against his arm, and Sunggyu had never felt so out of balance.

Woohyun left on the twelve-thirty train, and Sunggyu thought it might have made him feel slightly better if there had been steam pouring out of the engines, loud, clanking noises accompanying the departure—but trains didn’t do that anymore. They only disappeared into the distance much too quickly, a fading reminder of what was once been and what was never to be.

Either way, it felt as if Woohyun was on a one-way track to nowhere, forever out of Sunggyu’s reach.

The first week was almost bearable, stuck in the daze of half hope over the thought in the back of his mind that maybe everything was just a dream and that he would wake up sooner or later to find Woohyun waiting for him at the school gate, hooded jacket and jeans, sneakered feet crossed against each other. But the seat next to Sunggyu remained empty and no one walked home with him, remarking on the cherry blossoms and summer breezes, no one said goodbye to him the intersection between streets.

And Sunggyu waited, and maybe he waited too long, because before he could open his eyes again graduation bells were ringing and he found himself working and stuck in wistful hoping for the past before he could wake up to the present.

But still, he waited, because summer always came back, as long as you waited.

Ringing, five times at least. He couldn’t quite count how long he’s waited anymore, fingers hovering over call button, hesitating. Maybe he should press delete. Please leave your message after the beep.

“Hey, Woohyun-ah, happy birthday. I hope you’re doing well. Stay healthy and happy.”

Click.

He was walking back from work, across the intersection of streets they used to part at every day, when someone across the street caught his eye. For a split second, he thought it was Woohyun—Woohyun turning around to face him, to notice him—but at that moment, a bus passed by, blocking his view.

When the streets cleared again, there was no one left.

Time was a funny thing, really. Sunggyu didn’t know if he even remembered Woohyun anymore—maybe he just remembered the memory of Woohyun that followed him like a ghost past autumns and winters, and never summer. And maybe Sunggyu didn’t know if he even remembered Woohyun anymore because he couldn’t even remember what Woohyun responded with after he asked if Woohyun loved him that day.

And still, he waited.

(Maybe Woohyun had said yes.)

Once, he dreamed that he walked into a café and sat down, only to find that the person sitting at the table next to him was Woohyun, watching him with his dark eyes and long eyelashes. He woke up with the words I’m waiting for you echoing in his thoughts, clinging at his mind until he forced himself to walk to the café across the street and sit down, watching the passerby until someone tapped his shoulder. Sunggyu remembered warm hands pulling him back from the edge and the sensation of vertigo, losing his balance.

“You should order if you’re going to just stay there all day long,” Woohyun said quietly, sitting down across from him. “I hope you’ve missed me.”

Summer comes back if you wait.

i wrote a story of wings flitting away from
wisps of smoke in the horizon and lost dreams -
vertigo comes with flying when you’re staring
down below at everything that could be,
but stories in ink can always be rewritten

fin.

awkward crappy poem in this written by yours truly o/ full version can be found here (although not sure why you’d want to read my nonexistent poetry skills sob)

in which i’m super lame welp idk what is this even i don’t even know infinite very well what am i doing this is all elly’s fault okay um yes woogyu makes me I AM REALLY NOT USED TO WRITING IN PAST TENSE SO THIS WAS SUPER WEIRD TO WRITE GAH this ended up being inspired by five centimeters per second which made me flip a lot of tables because bittersweet slice of life animes p l s

and yes this is like almost a year late oops sorry