September 16, 2010 – To Choi Minho

Loneliness was something I’d never had to even consider until this year.  Ever since this day exactly one year ago, everything in my life was a constant, ongoing cycle of what I now identify as perfection.

But of course, like all good things in life, that changed.

I’d never experienced true sadness until I was left with no one – even you abandoned me in the end.  I might not have expected it from anyone at all, but coming from you it just hurt that much more.  Like I said before, all good things change.

Sure, I might have seen this coming if I looked more than skin deep: if I’d really dove headlong into the deep end rather than merely skimming the surface and wading in the shallows.  And I suppose my water analogy suits a number of different purposes and circumstances.  To me, you were like the ocean – unpredictable, yet always a constant, always there, always by my side when I needed you.

But, like the ocean, you slipped through my fingers when I tried to grasp you – evaporated from in front of me right when I needed you the most.  Like the ocean, you were ever-changing: one moment calm and serene, the next angry and fierce.  But I never anticipated that I’d be on the receiving end of that anger.

Though in reality, I fall asleep at night repeating those same words over and over in my head.  “We’re through.”  And I just didn’t know how to deal with it.

Thinking back on these last few weeks, I really couldn’t have been more naïve.  I should have noticed the way you leaned away from my touch, my embrace, the way you started tuning me out when I talked to you, and no longer offering the skinship you used to enjoy so much.

I also should have thought first before I pushed all my friends away just to be with you.  Key warned me that you would do this kind of thing to me, but I suppose I loved you too much to believe it.  I still love you too much for my own good.

And another thing I should have thought through more was my parents.  I should have known that everything wouldn’t be “just fine” when I told them about “us,” like you promised it would…  I can see now that you had all of this planned out: everything from Key ignoring me to my parents disowning me.  And even after all of that, I still trusted you.

Never again will I trust you: you, the man who ruined my life in a few short months.  And now I have no one.  Because of you…no one.

But I bet you didn’t expect me to find a way around your little scheme.  Or maybe it’s exactly what you wanted, everything you were hoping for.  I don’t know, but either way, I’d take any way out at this point.

If you don’t write back in two days…

I’m going to assume you want me gone.

        Love, Taemin

September 20, 2010 – To Lee Taemin

I’ve always been terrible with words, so my letter is short.  Though it’s not as if you’ll be reading it, since I got your letter too late anyway.

At the end, I pushed you away because it felt wrong.  It felt wrong to be destroying your life the way I was…the way I did.  But I should have stayed by your side – I realize this now.  I’m sorry…  I didn’t ask you to leave your friends for me, Taeminnie.  Nor did I set out to have your parents disown you…  I honestly thought they’d accept us for who we were, not our uality.

I miss you, Taebaby.  But I won’t have to for long.  I know the way out, too.

       ♥ Love, Minho ♥

I believe you, Minho-ah…  Saranghaeyo, hyung…

Saranghaeyo, Taemin-ah…