That lips.

 

“Hae, Hae, you should see this! Do I look good?”

 

That chuckles.

 

 

The playful gummy smile when you tried that sunglass on. And believe me, everything looks good on you.

“Or maybe this? Hahaha, you’ll look really handsome in this, Hae.”

 

That happiness you share when you’re looking at me—along with that innocent compliment for me.

 

Unbearable. Indefinable.

 

You know I’ll just smile, and laugh along with you, as long as you’re beside me.

 

“Here, this scarf looks good on you too.”

 

That touch.

Warm, strong hands, which I desired hardly.

 

“Really?” Is all I can say.

 

When your eyes were locked on me, as if those are embracing me like one of those sweet dreams I had about you.

 

 

Then again, you‘re treasuring me so much.

 

 

Those warm body and sweet scent are not any of those dreams, because you gladly gave it to me.

 

I’m just glad you never overheard my heartbeat.

 

I’m just glad you can never read my feeling.

 

So I can always be with you.

 

 

Just never stop showing me those laughs and smiles.

 

Because it’s the only thing that brightens my day.

 

 

I love you.

 

 

 

-----===-----

 

 

Hyukjae—

 

Hyukkie.

 

 

Your name slips perfectly from my lips.

 

As if I can’t say another name, because even I sometimes hardly remember mine.

 

“Hae.”

 

You make my heart twitch.

 

You’ll wake me up from my darkest dream.

 

And you make me remember instantly my name.

 

By only that voice of yours, calling me.

 

 

Even though I know my name isn’t the only thing you’d love to say.

 

 

 

“Wake up, sleepyhead.” Chuckling, touching, instantly opening my eyes so I won’t miss my most desired scene.

 

“You won’t get any girlfriend if you still in your slumber at this hour.”

 

 

I know you’re only joking.

 

I know you know nothing about this feeling.

 

 

 

If you are my sweet dream in reality, here comes the nightmare.

 

 

You’re the only person who can let me out, but you’re too, the one who can easily put me back in.

 

“I’ll be using the shirt we bought last week for tonight,”

 

But as innocent as your cheesy smile, I could never resist anything.

 

 

“Tonight?”

 

I’m stupid.

 

 

“The date, Hae.”

 

 

I’m stupid to ask, stupid to not remember a thing.

 

In this condition, when I’m clueless, I just regret everything, cursing and blaming to self.

 

 

The slight pain somewhere is knocking inside, here.

 

 

Sometimes furiously, sometimes just make me wish I wasn’t even born.

 

It hurts, if you ask me.

 

 

But—

 

 

Your smile, your playful laughter just makes me forget.

 

How I wish this would last forever.

 

 

 

“What do you think?”

 

If you stared at me lovingly, like that, I won’t be able to say anything, you know that, right?

 

 

No, you don’t.

 

 

I’m selfish if I wish for such thing, as your knowing.

 

 

Yet I can only smile for you.

 

“It’s a good idea,”

 

 

I’m sorry, but not twice I could say that.

 

I’m really sorry, for keep on staring down when I said that—can’t even be honest about this.

 

Yet I keep on smiling for you.

 

 

And as expected, you’re smiling back at me.

 

 

Why I keep asking for more, when I have this perfect you on my side?

 

 

I am willing to keep this love until forever, until this love itself has worn out for you.

 

Until I died,

 

It’s okay.

 

 

 

“You know, I bought a cute teddy plushie back then.”

 

I gulped—because you’re just rolled on me, hugging me as if I’myour plushie.

 

 

“Yeah?”

 

And again, I’m stupid.

 

 

“Is it cute enough for the present?”

 

 

If stupidity can kills, I would probably died long ago.

 

“She’ll like it,”

 

 

As long as you’re still hugging me like this, I’m willing to say anything.

 

Just—

 

 

Please don’t go.

 

 

 

I love you.

 

 

 

-----===-----

 

 

I forget about everything when I’m with you.

 

I forget about time, about future, about every problem I had, when I’m with you.

 

 

Your presence could brings up hundreds emotions at once,

 

As if you’re the only source of my meaningful living.

 

 

 

We are best friends.

 

 

Those words are too heavy for me.

 

But reality hurts more than a broken arm.

 

 

 

“Tired, Hae?”

 

 

I even forgot about fatigue, even forgot about myself.

 

I just being beside you all day,

 

 

And I may not even know if I’m ill to death.

 

 

But your attitude towards me just makes my soul tired for catching up breaths you stole from me.

 

For picking up my heart that falls million times a day, because of you.

 

 

Everything.

 

I just did for you.

 

 

Because you are the only reason I have.

 

 

And your happiness is the only purpose I live.

 

 

 

“Guess I’ll sleep here tonight,” you always said that and laugh, glancing at me once for permission that you doesn’t even need to ask.

 

Be with me every single time,

 

 

And I’ll be the happiest guy on earth.

 

 

 

“You haven’t eat,”

 

I totally forgot about mine,

 

 

But if it’s about you, I care about everything.

 

 

“Mmm,”

 

From my bedroom, your voice echoing.

 

 

Stop—

 

Is always the most word I used to scold myself everyday.

 

 

The imagination is running wilder than I could bear, the sweet dreams that being recalled by the stupid wish.

 

Me, your lover.

 

 

It’s impossible—yet I keep on doing that.

 

 

“I’m still full, Hae,” My heart jumped when you came out, with the shirt you always used for sleep comforts. “I know you eat lesser than I do back then.”

 

 

Stop caring about me so much while looking at me.

 

 

If I got fainted, I know it will make you just worried—even though the reason is stupidly ridiculous.

 

 

“C’mon, Hae,”

 

That sweet voice,

 

 

Why is it so soft?

 

 

My tears would flow because only your voice touches my inside.

 

Yet I can’t do that when you’re sitting beside me like this.

 

 

“Sick Hae is bad, you know,”

 

 

How can you say that while showing your smile, while caressing my hair, while looking to my eyes?

 

It’s something even deadlier than skipping a meal, yet you didn’t know.

 

 

This is probably the time when I felt something break inside my chest.

 

Cracking, filling up the lungs.

 

 

Just because the feeling is like already too far beyond limit.

 

 

But remembering that smile, again—

 

Looking at it,

 

 

I feel like my life is totally inside your grasp.

 

 

And I'm totally fine,

 

 

Because I do.

 

Love you.

 

 

 

---===---

 

 

Watching late night shows on TV is sometimes the only thing I can distract myself with.

 

When you’re here, everything is hard for me except for enjoying your cares.

 

 

Sometimes I really want to get away the feeling, because no matter how much I enjoyed,

 

The pain is constantly there.

 

 

Like the dissatisfaction.

 

The feeling I can’t do anything to make it disappear.

 

 

Because the key for every feeling I had is in you.

 

 

But,

 

Seems like the limit of my body came out to knock my sense.

 

 

And before I know it, it’s time.

 

 

Walking towards my bedroom is always give millions of emotions when I know you’re there.

 

Every steps I take left a huge excitement, yet a biggest pain of my own imagination.

 

 

What are you dreaming about now?

 

Is there any me,

 

 

In your dream?

 

 

How will I sleep tonight, remembering you’ll be beside the whole night?

 

 

 

Biting my lower lip is my only last resistance, yet I can do nothing.

 

No matter how slow I walk,

 

 

I can never resist the arrival.

 

 

My heart stops, my heart fell, my heart flies away.

 

 

Your sleeping face is the purest thing that I want to own.

 

Your strong jawline,

 

That perfect chin,

 

 

I can’t even imagine if there’s any people who said that you’re not good looking.

 

 

Because you’re perfect for me, you’re the most handsome guy in my life.

 

 

That brown hair, the bangs that lies on your forehead.

 

Can I touch it just the way you do to me?

 

 

Please say yes.

 

Because no is too painful.

 

 

 

I can believe how long I’ve been watching you sleep.

 

The only time where I can look at you as much as I want, and swear to God to protect you for the rest of my life.

 

 

She’s…

 

 

She’s the luckiest girl.

 

 

For having you, for owning your heart.

 

For able to look at your face at this distance with you looking back at her.

 

 

For being able to caress this cheek.

 

 

And this lips.

 

 

Lips that always forming the most perfect smile everyday.

 

Lips that I always wanted to touch.

 

 

 

 

Just for this once.

 

Lips that always call my name, with that sweetest voice.

 

 

What can I do when the desire is unbearable anymore?

 

What can I do, when what I can let out is only tears remembering how painful it feels?

 

 

At least once, at least this time, at once.

 

 

I know this lips is not my right to touch,

 

My right to kiss.

 

 

But—

 

 

I can’t pull back now; I can’t when I already feel your breath steadily against mine.

 

 

Lee Hyukjae.

 

 

Can I give you my first kiss?

 

 

 

But how you do it?

 

How you do it when the heartbeats are too loud?

 

 

I know this is not your first.

 

I know if you’re awake, you won’t even look at me anymore.

 

 

I know if this is that risky, I won’t even do it for the sake of being beside you every single day.

 

 

But—the blindness of love owns me.

 

I can’t curse it.

 

I want it.

 

 

I want you.

 

 

I need you.

 

 

Let this be the last, I promise.

 

It’s just the limit of my love is bothering me too bad.

 

So please, don’t be awake.

 

I want to live my sweet dream just this second.

 

 

It’s too close.

 

Hyukkie.

 

 

I love you…

 

 

“Hae.”

 

 

 

---===---

 

 

As when the heart falls.

 

 

Your name is deadly carved.

 

Painfully, sometimes torn apart.

 

But still nothing, grey eyes of love take over all.

 

 

As when a breath has stolen.

 

Even suffocates, nothing is forbidden.

 

You smile rip the lungs, tear it broken.

 

Incurable.

 

Still every sense, remains hidden.

 

 

As when the dream has taken over.

 

Butterflies went careless, fly even faster.

 

I said hold, but your being won’t surrender.

 

In this my own dimension,

 

I’m a prisoner.

 

 

 

—I can’t.

 

Your eyes are the poison of paralyze.

 

Your voice is the source of every hypnotize.

 

Your whole being is the blindfold of my realize.

 

That the perfection itself is always my harm.

 

 

That I’m a victim of your charm.

 

 

 

-----===-----

 

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

 

My mind went blank.

 

I can do nothing.

 

 

“I’m sorry, I’m begging you, I’m sorry.”

 

 

 

Don’t leave me.

 

Don’t leave me.

 

Hyukkie, don’t leave me.

 

 

I went too careless, I went too off guard.

 

I let my stupid self show you how idiot I am.

 

 

 

Please.

 

Don’t just sit there, looking at me.

 

 

But don’t leave.

 

Just say something.

 

 

“Hyukkie, Hyukkie…” I felt tears forming.

 

The tears of fear.

 

 

Fear of losing you.

 

 

“I promise, I won’t do it again…”

 

How long do I have to beg until you yell at me?

 

How long do I have to hold on your shirt until you tell me to stop playing around?

 

 

“Hyukkie—“

 

“Sshh,” You held me, really suddenly. “It’s enough Hae, enough.” You cupped my face with both of your hands, due to my surprise.

 

I don’t see hatred.

 

Why?

 

 

 

Is it because you’re too nice?

 

 

 

“Did you try to kiss me, back then?” You whispered. Still, that voice I know. Still that Hyukkie I know.

 

 

Why?

 

I’m grateful, but…

 

 

I can’t say anything to answers you.

 

“Hae…”

 

 

You shifted, and for that second, I felt fear roaming up to my body—the fear that you might be leaving me, and how stupid I am for not answering your question.

 

“N-Hyuk please—“

 

“Sshh… What is it?”

 

 

But no.

 

You came back, looking near to my face.

 

 

“I’m not leaving, okay? Don’t be scared, please,”

 

 

Your voice is way too calming.

 

 

But still, why can’t I say anything? Why can’t I stop clutching my fingers to your shirt, as if I don’t believe what you just said?

 

 

I’m just afraid.

 

I’m really afraid.

 

 

“Why did you do that, Hae?”

 

You’re still whispering to me—but I’m sorry.

 

I’m sorry that I only answer you with a single tear that came out.

 

 

I’m sorry because that tear brings you to hug me really tight, even if I just tried to make our relationship fall apart.

 

 

I’m sorry.

 

That the comforts are too much I cried even more.

 

 

I don’t know since when.

 

The tears are too much it’s even tiring.

 

 

But you’re keep on shushing me, my back gently.

 

 

It’s a torture, it’s a pleasure.

 

I can’t tell which is which.

 

 

“Hae…”

 

Your whisper on my ear echoing, that I can only able to make a single sound to respond you.

 

“Do you like me…?”

 

 

Just after that question, the hug pulled apart.

 

 

No.

 

I can’t stare at you.

 

 

I’m afraid.

 

I just want this to be over, I just want this will never happen.

 

 

I’m really stupid.

 

 

“Hey… Do you like me…?”

 

 

I bit my lower lip.

 

 

I do.

 

I really do.

 

 

I love you, I love you so much.

 

 

 

But nothing as similar to that, came out from my lips.

 

Instead, I just lowered down my head, clutching to your messy shirt, and can’t believe myself that another tears has fallen.

 

“I-I’m sorry…”

 

 

That’s all I can say.

 

 

But I believe, you know that it is an approval from me about the question.

 

 

I’m really sorry.

 

I love you, I’m sorry.

 

 

I can’t hold to kiss you, I’m sorry.

 

I’m really stupid.

 

 

 

“Oh, Hae…”

 

That’s when you hug me, even tighter than before.

 

 

You pulled apart to see through my eyes, and I swear, I can’t be more regret because I just seen hurt.

 

In your eyes.

 

 

I once promised to kill anyone who makes you have that kind of stare.

 

I just can’t believe, that the day it happens, I am the one who make you do that.

 

 

It hurts.

 

It pained without I can even do anything.

 

 

Seeing you hurting is the last thing I want, it’s not even exist in the list if I could choose.

 

 

 

And here you are, caressing my cheek with that stare still attaching.

 

No.

 

Don’t be hurt.

 

I’m really sorry.

 

 

“You love me…”

 

I bit my lower lip.

 

 

Yes.

 

 

“You know I have a girlfriend, right…?”

 

 

I bit even harder, as he caress my cheek even more.

 

 

I do…

 

 

That’s why I’m sorry.

 

That’s why I’m stupid, because you’re not even looking for someone like me.

 

 

And here I am revealing everything.

 

 

"I'm... So sorry..."

 

Now you can't look at me the same way anymore.

 

Now you can't hug me carelessly like the way you used to anymore.

 

 

Even worse.

 

Now I don't even know if you still want to be with me.

 

 

Because I'm disgusting, and I know that.

 

 

"No."

 

I can't see your face, because it's too blurry.

 

But your voice is raising, from a whisper to an argument. Not fills with anger, but something else, something that I don't even like.

 

Your hurting voice.

 

 

Now I'm the worst person on earth.

 

"I'm sorry."

 

The hurting whisper that I never want to hear from any dream.

 

 

"I'm sorry Hae..." He spoke. "I didn't know. I'm so sorry."

 

 

Stop it.

 

You never at fault for anything you did for me.

 

You never make me mad.

 

You never worth any of your sorry.

 

 

I just can't say it.

 

My tears are too busy overflowing, my chest are too busy burning, my lungs are too busy suffocating.

 

 

 

"I'm sorry, Donghae..."

 

 

It became too painful to hear that now.

 

 

The sorry because you're not at fault.

 

The sorry because you don't know my feelings since the start.

 

 

The sorry because you can't love me back.

 

 

Clutching your shirt to make you stop saying that words is useless, because you don't understand.

 

That I love you too much you don't even have to apologize to utter an apology.

 

 

It's just be with me,

 

That's just all I want you to do.

 

 

I don't know how long it has been, hugging you, helplessly holding to you until what I feel is just, tired.

 

My eyes are too heavy, but the warmth are still owning him as if I could go crazy with it.

 

 

Until I just think that it doesn't even worth anything tomorrow.

 

 

"F-forget it."

 

I tried to pry my way out from your warmth, along with the new suffocates of my body that still wanted to be inside it for another while.

 

 

"Hae..?"

 

I can't see you.

 

I can't look at you.

 

 

"Please, just forget everything just happening."

 

I swear I almost cry again.

 

I swear I almost clutch your shirt once again to beg you to forget.

 

"I won't do it again," I heard my own voice whispering from my lips.

 

 

Please, Hyukkie.

 

I just still want to be with you.

 

 

"But, Hae..."

 

Please no--I even spontaneously hold your chest from being any closer again, even though I wanted it so bad.

 

It's just because I want us to remain the same.

 

"I'm... I-I'm begging, Hyukkie, forget..."

 

 

Biting my lower lip as hard as I could is the only way to prevent my tears from falling.

 

And turning my gaze away.

 

And ignore everything you say.

 

 

"I promise, I w-won't."

 

Because it's too much I even managed to not let my ego works on it and just turn around.

 

And pretend to sleep.

 

And pray.

 

 

"Don't worry, please,"

 

 

That you somehow will forget it tomorrow,

 

 

That you somehow, never even have a clue

 

That I love you.

 

 

Even though hearing my name by your desperate voice right now is a torture.

 

But as long as we'll be together.

 

 

I'm doing what's best.

 

 

 

---===---===---

 

 

"Hyukjaee!"

 

The high pitch voice's rising inside the room.

 

 

You turned.

 

I turned.

 

 

You smiled.

 

 

"Hi," your gentle voice answered, makes my heart somehow warm, even though I know it's not for me.

 

"Have you eat lunchh?"

 

"Mm, nope,"

 

 

My heart twitched, but it's not unusual anymore.

 

The view that she lingers to you may make me feel debilitated.

 

 

Makes me sick, but pathetically, my body is used to it.

 

 

I don’t want to—

 

But it’s not like I can do anything to make it disappear.

 

 

 

“Mmm…”

 

I glanced to my phone, pressing the random button that I usually press—the message icon, and then back to home screen where I can see our smiles on screen, just to distract my thought from what’s currently happening.

 

Like usual.

 

As usual.

 

 

And still, as stupid as I am, I can’t hold myself to look up towards you, where you’re there, with hands embracing the figure.

 

 

But your eyes are looking to mine.

 

 

What?

 

 

What is it?

 

 

Don’t use that hurtful look again, just like what you used a week ago, don’t use it just because you know my feeling.

 

Don’t do that.

 

 

But why are you looking at me, whispering towards her and soon after that, the hug was apart?

 

As if you don’t want me to see it.

 

 

It’s alright, already.

 

I don’t mind already.

 

 

I said to forget it, I said to let it just go so we can just become close again—which part of it you don’t understand?

 

Which part?

 

 

You don’t love me, I know that.

 

So stop it, stop that.

 

I don’t need that stare, I only need your being.

 

 

Your smile, your usual attitude of loving.

 

 

Now we’re not the same anymore, now you’re pretending.

 

I hate myself so much.

 

I don’t even want to live.

 

 

Back then you used to tell me everything, yet now I doubt you’ll even say anything close to your feeling.

 

Just because my stupidity, my selfishness.

 

 

I’m sorry.

 

We’re ruined.

 

 

I know you just don’t want to hurt me, but if I just substitute your honesty with your pretending,

 

I feel sick.

 

 

Now you know it.

 

Now I regret it.

 

 

I used to wish that you will know my feeling someday without knowing the hurt I will feel.

 

It hurts even much more.

 

 

How I wish it didn’t happen.

 

 

How I wish you don’t know that I love you.

 

 

 

---===---===---

 

 

 

One day.

 

Two days.

 

 

One week.

 

One month.

 

 

I can’t believe we’re still together, still pretend that nothing happens.

 

 

I know I can’t technically ask you to forget, it’s no one’s fault but mine that you can’t forget.

 

But I can clearly see it with my eyes.

 

 

Your hurts.

 

Your hidden stare behind all of the usual laughter.

 

 

I don’t mind your pretending, as long as you can pretend your gaze too.

 

As long as you can fake your eyes’ stares.

 

As long as you don’t see me with those looks of hurt, so I won’t be remember that I’m the only one who cause this.

 

 

But I know you can’t.

 

You’re too honest and too kind.

 

 

What should I do?

 

I’m drowned.

 

 

I don’t want to go away from you so you will be gone from your guilt, but I don’t want you to be like this either.

 

The feeling is just too much.

 

 

I’m sorry, Hyukjae.

 

 

“Look Hae,”

 

 

I gasp, but soft enough for you to not realize it—because your touch just shocks me, just suffocates me just too fast, as your hands linger around my shoulder.

 

“What do you think?”

 

 

I am too blunt to think.

 

I’m too burnt by your touch, to even process.

 

 

It always happens, but I don’t know why I always managed to get out from this condition that make me nauseated.

 

“Hae…?”

 

 

Your voice,

 

Just as casually as you can, clearly on my ear.

 

I don’t know if you could see my blushing face.

 

 

Or if you ignored all of it.

 

 

What I could do is seeing your phone screen that is openly available for me and bit my lower lip, as if I’m thinking about the outfit that you will wear for your dancing competition.

 

“It’s suits you,”

 

 

I knew it already since the start, because I know your taste is definitely better than anyone else.

 

But deep inside, I’m really happy.

 

 

Despite all of the uneasiness I have because of the accident like month ago, you still trying to be as normal as you can towards me.

 

 

And that smile.

 

 

That perfect smile that I know is one thing you can’t fake about, besides all those glances.

 

 

I’m just happy you still keep your faith in me, still asking about so many things to me, and still smiling like you used to be for me.

 

Those are enough.

 

 

Even though I can’t have your heart.

 

The beauty of your love has touched mine, without you even try it.

 

 

That’s why I love you.

 

That’s why I can’t take my glance away,

 

I let myself buried to your hands.

 

 

Please love this best friend of yours.

 

 

I don’t need the same love as mine—

 

 

As long as it’s yours, anything is fine.

 

 

---===---

 

 

“Do you like my performance earlier?”

 

I smiled.

 

 

Your excited voice, questioning me like million times even though I already answered it for you.

 

“I love it so much, Hyukkie.”

 

 

You lean your elbows on the counter of my kitchen playfully as I pour you your favorite strawberry milk I stock it on my fridge.

 

“Really?”

 

 

That stupid question again.

 

I didn’t answer; instead I put the mug of milk besides your leaning figure and chuckled.

 

 

“Even though you’re asking me one more million times, my answer will be the same.”

 

You laugh.

 

 

That cute laugh I always love, I always crave for—along with your usual little squeal of happiness when you grabbed that mug, and sip its content slowly as if that’s your only drink you’ll have for living.

 

You stared at me, and pulled a corner of your lip to form your playful grin—which more looks like smirk.

 

“And what is it again…?”

 

 

I shook my head in disbelief, but couldn’t contain myself to laugh because of your adorableness.

 

 

I love it so much.

 

 

I love you so much.

 

 

“You know.”

 

I said, turning my gaze away to the fridge behind me randomly, because your stare already burns my cheeks—yet I still hope you don’t notice it, or maybe just decided to change the topic already.

 

I wish it won’t look so obvious, so you can keep on calmly drinking your milk without noticing my nervousness just because of your stare.

 

 

It kills, I swear.

 

It makes my heartbeats gone really crazy just by seconds, and I can’t do anything to prevent it to happen.

 

What spell do you cast on me this whole time?

 

 

Now you know that I love you makes thing more difficult, even though deep down inside I feel so many hopes overflowing without control.

 

Gladly you don’t do anything about it.

 

 

Gladly you chose to keep quiet about everything.

 

Gladly I—

 

 

“What…?”

 

I jumped—I literally jumped because your whisper is just can’t be even closer from my left ear, before I spontaneously turn around to see that you’re only a few inch apart from me.

 

And I immediately regretted my action.

 

 

You’re standing too close—it’s almost like you’re pinning me to the fridge without I can’t even move.

 

I know that smile is still attached to your face.

 

 

But I guess you don’t know the nervousness I have and the burning cheeks I always feels whenever you’re teasing me or laughing along with me.

 

And with this, I couldn’t look away—not even move freely because I am paralyzed.

 

 

Your stare freezes me.

 

I even forget what’s the purpose of asking me what, since you already became too close to me.

 

 

Honestly,

 

I forgot everything.

 

 

What should I do in this situation?

 

Why are you even doing this to me, knowing how much I easily fluttered with your eyes…?

 

Your stare is deadly.

 

 

I can’t even—

 

 

…

 

 

H-huh?

 

 

I froze—I can’t move a muscle, because the sudden feeling is grasping the whole me.

 

What is this…?

 

 

What is this soft…

 

 

 

My heart seems to stopped beating, because the feeling is too sudden, and yet too fast, building up my lungs without I can even control.

 

 

W-what…

 

Sympathy?

 

 

I didn’t know what am I doing, I can’t even recall what is currently going on.

 

That word.

 

 

That word just flashing through my mind carelessly, just enough to make all of the hatred inside me burned like a spreading fire.

 

 

The sudden hurt.

 

The sudden disappointment.

 

 

And the sudden action of myself that I can’t even think about, it’s just happened so fast, without asking my permission.

 

 

“What are you doing!?”

 

 

 

I am angry.

 

I am mad.

 

 

Before you stared at me that way, now you’re trying to act like you understand my feeling, and now you’re trying to make me happy?

 

Not this way.

 

 

I glance to your eyes—but blurry, too hazy, that I can’t even look and search through your stare.

 

 

It’s killing me.

 

 

“Why did you do that??”

 

 

If it’s really just to make me happy and feel better, you’re definitely wrong, that’s the wrong action, the wrong move I never wanted to happen.

 

 

You’re the worst.

 

 

I tried to swallow every suffocates I had in my lungs, because of the disappointment, but I can’t—those tears selfishly stream down, makes me unable to look at you even more.

 

 

I hate you.

 

“T-tell me why.”

 

 

 

You just met your girlfriend this morning.

 

There’s no way.

 

 

Why did you do that?

 

 

But I got no answer.

 

 

“That—“

 

I choked, feeling hatred is filling me up because of another fact that is haunting me right in the moment.

 

“That is my first.”

 

 

I know you just took it; it’s you, so maybe you think I don’t mind.

 

 

But out of…

 

Love?

 

 

 

You just made my first kiss like hell.

 

 

“Hae…”

 

 

That’s the first thing I heard from you.

 

The guilty-filled voice that echoing my ears, but I know you can do nothing to fix anything that’s just happening.

 

 

 

“W-why…?”

 

I pushed you forward, preventing you from being closer again to me, because no matter what—you just made me hate you.

 

You just made me regret everything.

 

 

“I’m sorry, Hae… I-I…”

 

You’re stuttering—like me, but I feel like nothing certain will come out from your lips.

 

I can’t stand it.

Clutching your shirt, I force myself to stare at you intently, looking right through your eyes.

 

Say it.

 

 

I’m waiting.

 

 

But still—only unspeakable stares beaming from your eyes, with your speechless being just stood there, not saying a thing.

 

 

I bit my lower lip.

 

So that’s really it, huh.

 

 

“I hate you.”

 

 

I spoke uncontrollably, failed to look at you one more time.

 

 

How dare you?

 

I clenched my fist; don’t even know why I’m feeling so angry, to you.

 

 

“Hae—“

 

I hold your chest from going even closer.

 

 

“Enough…”

 

 

And with that, I left, because the feeling will be even worst if I’m staying in the same place as yours.

 

It hurts, Hyukkie.

 

 

Don’t you think I don’t realize your pitiful stare when you’re with your girlfriend, doing the hugging, embracing?

 

Now I regret it.

 

 

I really regret why I’m confessing to you since the start—not remembering that it is an accident.

 

But still, I regret it.

 

I wish it didn’t happen.

 

 

I like you,

 

It doesn’t mean that you can do anything you wish.

 

 

 

I love you.

 

 

It doesn’t mean that you can kiss me, knowing your feeling is not the same as mine.

 

 

Because of you,

 

I regret that a lot.

 

 

I thought it’s over.

 

 

 

---===---

 

 

When I wish upon a star.

 

When I wish upon a lit candle.

 

Your smile, your words, your perfect being is always there in between.

 

 

When I got nothing but scar.

 

When my feeling is no longer audible.

 

You still become my only reason; still become that only one for me.

 

 

But when you’ve already too far.

 

Or maybe it’s too near yet it’s not controllable.

 

 

You became the reason maybe I should give you up—

 

 

Because I can no longer stand this war.

 

Because your gentleness now more likely as betrayal.

 

---===---

 

 

I wonder how is it to meet you right now.

 

 

I can’t face you,

 

I can’t look to your eyes.

 

 

I can’t even look at you from afar, just to treat my deep longing towards you.

 

 

All my friends have been saying to me that you wants to see me, but I don’t know why I don’t seem to can meet you.

 

 

You drowned me in my own tears.

 

 

If you didn’t do it, this won’t happen.

 

If I didn’t do it, nothing will happen.

 

 

Everything seems just better without you knowing a thing about this feeling.

 

 

Now you know,

 

It’s a mess for both of us.

 

 

It’s a mess for me.

 

 

I don’t want to get out from my apartment since I know it’s easier to meet you outside, not remembering that you’ve came here several times, without I answered the door.

 

 

You just don’t understand that I don’t want to meet you.

 

You just don’t understand that I don’t want your pity.

 

 

You have no idea how bad I regret my ego back then, took benefit of a situation, but then… You caught me.

 

I’m the worst.

 

 

I shouldn’t have done that.

 

 

I really love you.

 

I don’t want the sympathy relationship, because it’s even worst than our last best friend relationship.

 

 

Now I regret it even more,

 

Even I couldn’t count how many tears have fallen for my own stupidity.

 

 

---===---

 

 

My phone rang.

 

It’s been days since I turned off the phone, and I know how inconvenient that is—so I decided I just turned it back on, but ignoring every notification that is from you.

 

 

A friend called me this morning that I need to go to his place because of the project that I need to submit like two weeks from now.

 

I’m a mess, what are they expecting me for?

 

 

Truthfully, I’m a bit glad because you rarely contact me these days.

 

 

—No, not really.

 

 

Does that mean you stop caring about me?

 

Does that mean you have no more intentions for being together with me?

 

 

I’m really confusing myself, I can’t even understand what I want.

 

 

I did ignore you, I did ignore the knocking doors.

 

 

But I miss you.

 

And that’s another thing I couldn’t deny.

 

 

I don’t hate you—even though I told you so.

 

I can’t, I never will.

 

 

I bet it’s forever already since I heard your voice.

 

 

When will I be ready to face you?

 

 

I’m afraid the answer is never.

 

I’m afraid we’re really, over.

 

 

It’s been hours and hours I’m in my room, losing any appetite, tears overflowing, when I decided I need to do something to distract myself.

 

I need to forget that you took pity on me, even you need to kiss me.

 

 

Even you did kiss me.

 

Even the taste of your lips I couldn’t even forget.

 

 

I’m really pathetic, I really am.

 

 

I just need to forget it for a while—only for a second is enough.

 

 

Picking a random outfit from my wardrobe, tidying myself a little because I look a complete mess, and neglecting my stomach that feels emptier than I ever be hungry, I just took off carelessly outside.

 

I need to meet my friend, well, to take care of the project.

 

 

Maybe with that, I could dist—

 

 

 

My feet froze.

 

I’m feeling like I couldn’t even walk anymore.

 

 

It’s like, nailed to the ground, without I can even moved it.

 

 

 

You.

 

Sitting there, just beside my door—hugging your knees as if you have nowhere else to go.

 

 

W-what is this?

 

 

When…?

 

 

I remembered—last night, someone is at the door, knocking. But I was too tired to even move, so I just ignored it.

 

I have no idea it was you.

 

 

 

Because whenever you’re at the door, you’ll say something.

 

You’ll tell me to open up.

 

Even though you left just like that, after I ignored you for minutes.

 

 

 

I really thought you don’t care anymore about me.

 

 

B-but—

 

This figure, here, you…?

 

 

I couldn’t do anything, except for biting my lower lip, locking my eyes to your sleeping being—I guess—and unconsciously, closing the apartment door as quietly as I can.

 

I don’t know about this.

 

 

I want to hug you, looking that figure of yours, those shoulders, those arms…

 

 

But…

 

It made me sick just to recalling that moment.

 

 

I’m afraid for the worst.

 

That’s why—I can’t.

 

 

I walked really slowly, biting my lower lip as I tried really hard to not looking back to you and just let you there.

 

I have no heart—

 

But no, I love you. My heart is definitely yours.

 

 

I just can’t face you, and I’ve said it already.

 

It’s still your fault I’m not answering the door.

 

 

It’s still your fault I’m not replying to any of your calls.

 

 

Why did you kiss me in the first place?

 

 

You know I said—

 

 

“Hae!”

 

 

My heart stopped.

 

Everything just seemed too quickly now, time like just fast forwarding without I can even proceed.

 

I glance back, finding you awoken and your expression is really surprised to see me.

 

 

I know I can’t go back already.

 

I’m already too far.

 

“Wait—“

 

 

But then, I realize you’re already coming towards me, running. You chased me; I tried to run, because in this sudden situation, I don’t think I’m ready.

 

And a second later,

 

 

You caught me, grasping me with your strong hands, practically locked me inside your arms—make me even unable to move.

 

“L-let me go,”

 

 

I spoke, feel how my heartbeats are too wild for my own good, but still thanking God because you’re behind me, not in my front.

 

Because I know I wouldn’t even be able to breath if you are.

 

 

“No way.”

 

You panted, hard, as I can feel your warm, unsteady breaths on my shoulder that makes me shiver in place.

 

 

I thought you stop caring about me that much anymore.

 

 

But why are your hands trembling, holding me as if I slips away, you’ll lose your life?

 

 

“Please…”

 

 

I can’t stand it, I can’t stand all of the sudden tension, because I didn’t expecting any of this happen.

 

Your scent suddenly appears strongly, your warmth and familiar touches spreading intensely.

 

 

Maybe if your still care, my plead will soften it up.

 

 

“N-no.”

 

You shifted a little. “No, Hae.”

 

 

I was wrong.

 

 

I don’t know what to say anymore, I can’t even ask what else do you want from me because my mind is really blank—or maybe it’s too full, of the thoughts of you inside my brain.

 

I tried to think that this is only a dream.

 

But it’s not.

 

 

Until minutes that I was certainly sure it’s been hours already.

 

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

You whispered.

 

 

The same thing you said to me almost every time you tried to get in touch with me.

 

I couldn’t help but sigh, and pointlessly tried myself to pry away from your grip.

 

 

“H-hae, I’m sorry. Please, I really regret it.”

 

 

Hmph.

 

Really regret it?

 

 

Then why don’t you give my first kiss back, remembering you regret it?

 

 

I feel like my tears almost burst.

 

 

“Just go…”

 

 

I let out a faint reply, still sound like pleading for my whole life for you to let me go, for you to unlock those arms from my body.

 

 

“W-why…? Don’t you love me… Anymore…?”

 

 

I can’t stand it.

 

“Please, Hyukjae, what else do you want from me!?”

 

 

I know you startled with my yell, and I know your hands a bit loosened, but I just… Need some time to tell you how bad I regret my very first decision.

 

“You feel satisfied if I tell you I love you?? You feel more sympathy?? It’s not something I could give to you easily, you know that??”

 

I feel some tears have fallen.

 

I could heard my own voice that’s hardly speak a word because of the suffocates. And yet you still here, locking me with your arms, gripping me, selfishly as you always do.

 

 

You didn’t say a word.

 

 

“Why, Hyukjae,” I swallowed. “You really—“

 

 

“I love you.”

 

 

 

Even after you’ve ruined me with the unrequited.

 

 

“Wh… What?”

 

“I love you,” You immediately whispers just to my ear. “I love you.”

 

 

I chuckled bitterly. “Yeah, right. Quoting me?”

 

 

But then—you tighten your grip to me, and I swear, I heard a single sob from you.

 

 

What…?

 

 

“Please, understand me. I fell in love with you, Hae.”

 

 

I didn’t say a word.

 

What the hell did he just say?

 

 

“I fell in love with you.”

 

You spoke, husky voice, and my shoulder wet with something warm.

 

 

No way—you never cried.

 

 

Even after you stole my heart.

 

 

“You have a girlfriend.” I stated, expressionless.

 

I know how fast my heart beats at the moment, I surely know because it’s echoing through my entire body.

 

I know how this is just gone through as if I’m living one of my happiest dreams.

 

 

But.

 

I, too, know, that this is reality.

 

 

And reality always hurt more—

 

“We’ve broken up just the day before I kissed you.” You said. “I didn’t tell you because…”

 

 

Slowly, now, you turned me to face you.

 

 

Your eyes are wet.

 

I know you’re trying to hide it.

 

 

But it’s too obvious, and I am surprised how this looks can make my heart fell down, mixing all those emotions into one.

 

 

“I love you… I unconsciously opened my heart for you ever since that day.” You lowered your head. “And you know how easy for someone to fell in love with you.”

 

 

I can’t say anything.

 

 

Even after your touches that make me addicted.

 

 

“I do sympathy at first. But you know I won’t kiss you because of that…”

 

 

I swallowed, feeling the disability to look to your pleading eyes.

 

 

Now everything seemed to just make sense.

 

“You don’t believe me… Hae?”

 

 

I…

 

 

It’s just too good to be true I can’t seem to believe any of this.

 

 

But before I could say anything in reply, you already leaned closer to me, my hair and give a gentle peck, on my forehead.

 

“Mm,”

 

An edge of your lips curved a single smile, cupping my face with your burning touch.

 

“Glad I have your first kiss…”

 

My cheeks burned, as you lean your forehead against mine.

 

 

The feeling is changing drastically,

 

Yet it’s overflowing like crazy.

 

 

Your selfishness made us unable to apart.

 

 

“Sorry I stole it without your permission…”

 

 

N-no.

 

No problem at all,

 

 

If you love me.

 

 

 

“You’ve forgiven me now…?”

 

I can only bit my lower lip.

 

 

But from my blushing face, I know you know my feelings.

 

I can’t ever hide it if it’s already like this.

 

 

Ever since the start,

 

I already have forgiven you.

 

 

I just always failed to forgive myself.

 

 

Which is why.

 

 

My feeling of love towards you, haven’t changed a bit.

 

I’m just torturing myself this whole time.

 

 

I love you, I love you, I really love you.

 

 

 

“Be mine again, Hae…?”

 

 

 

 

-----\\\---

 

 

It’s the cold morning again, today.

But I don’t feel anymore chill at all, because of one obvious reason.

 

 

Me, inside your embrace.

 

I still can’t believe you have the same feeling as I do.

 

But every time I opened my eyes, I became certain that this is not just a good dream as I always have.

 

This feels better.

 

 

I would roll myself deeper to your warmth, and you would stir up, opening your sleepy, mesmerizing eyes.

 

Smiling,

 

Give a loving peck on my forehead,

 

And another on my lips.

 

 

Then snuggling closer, cuddling to add even more warmth than we already has, and closing my eyes to enjoy every bit of this moment.

 

 

“Good morning,”

 

Your husky voice would spoke, as you caress my cheek passionately before added another sentence.

 

“I love you.”

 

 

I smiled.

 

Now I could change what I always say in my minds—another simple sentence, but means a lot, at least to both of us.

 

 

 

This is ending of our beginning.

 

You’re for me, I’m for you.

 

Because you’re the source of my living.

 

 

And believe me, I did no longer regret what I do.

 

 

“I love you too.”

 

 

 

--The end.