I saw the pictures. He didn't tell me about him dating Hara, I didn't knew until I saw the pictures.

And now I understand.
Why would he want to be with me, when he can have her?

This is why he haven't touched me, barely spoken to me and stayed away from me.
He doesn't want me near him, I'm too disgusting.

I have to become perfect.

--- 

Three weeks. It has been three weeks since Hyunseung, and the rest of the world got to know about the new couple. 
"Junra".

Hyunseung had been close to punching Yoseob when the short boy had asked Junhyung if he were to bring Hara over to the dorm.
Of course he didn't punch his beloved dongsaeng, instead he just sat there by the dinnertable, quiet and feeling empty.

He barely touched his food. He only ate so that the other members wouldn't be worried about him, he didn't want to be more trouble than he already was.

He made sure everybody was busy doing other stuff after dinner so that he could sneak in to the bathroom.
Fingers down his throat, something he had been doing for a little over two weeks. 
Anything to get everything out of him. Nothing could stay, it would make him fat, make him un-perfect. And he had to be perfect.
Hara was perfect, Hara was thin. Hara was funny in another way than Hyunseung. Hyunseung was awkward.

Hyunseug heard a knock on the bathroomdoor. He got up from his knees, flushed the toilet and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand before opening the door.

"Mhh?" Hyunseung's voice was weak from purging.

"What's up with your voice hyung? And uhh would you mind getting out, I need to go~~"

Yoseob was always a cutie. Hyunseung didn't answer his question about his voice, he just slipped past Yoseob with a weak smile on his face.

Hyunseung walked into the room where they all slept. His bed was next to Junhyungs. 
Nobody else was in the room, and he closed the door before standing infront of the big mirror in the room. 

He took off his clothes, standing only in his boxers.
"No wonder he doesn't want you, you whale. You were just something he played with for fanservice, he was never really into you. He just teased you at home. He would never like you. You're too fat, too ugly." Hyunseung bashed himself with thoughts.

In the mirror Hyunseung saw his ribs starting to show, his hipbones getting more visable. 
Why wasn't this happening faster? He lived on water and not much of it, he exercised as much as his body coud take, and still he was fat.

In his eyes, that was.

Outside the room, peeking in through a spring in the door that he had opened just a little before seeing Hyunseung, was Junhyung.
He saw a skeleton. That was not Hyunseung. That was not him. He saw the way Hyunseung's ribs were clearly sticking out, his spine showing, his legs looking like sticks. The lamps were on in the room, and while Hyunseung stared at his own body Junhyung did the same.

There was something on Hyunseung's thighs. 
Scars.
And a lot of them. 

Junhyung saw Hyunseung picking up something from under his pillow, and standing in front of the mirror again.
He had picked up a knife.

"You're ing disgusting." Hyunseung said in a low tone before pressing the knife against his thigh. 

Junhyung couldn't believe his eyes. He ran into the room, quickly shutting and locking the door and grabbed the knife from Hyunseung's hand. 

"What the are you doing?!" He didn't scream, he didn't want the other members to hear them. "Are you out of your mind?! In what goddamn way could you be disgusting?! Hyunseung! Look at me!"

Hyunseung didn't look at him. He just looked down at himself, at his thigh where he had made a cut. It wasn't bleeding much, a failure. It stung slightly when a tear hit it. Hyunseung felt under his eyes, he wasn't the one crying, for once. 

Then it struck him. The one crying was Junhyung.

Hyunseung's eyes went to Junhyung's, their faces close. 

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to be perfect... But I failed and punished myself. I'm sorry that I'm a failure." Hyunseung's voice could barely be heard.

Junhyung just shook his head, tears still falling from his eyes.
"No, no no no, you don't get it, do you? I had to stop being close to you, I had to have a relationship with Hara. Or I would get kicked out. And kicked out means not having you. And a life without you, Seung, is not worth living. Did I make you do this?"

"Junhyung, I know I'm not as good as her, I know that. Just look at me, I am disgusting, I was trying to become as perfect as Hara so that you'd want me, please just go, I don't want to be more of a bother to you than I already am."

Hyunseung's words made Junhyung feel as if he was falling.
Did I really cause this? Did I really make him feel like this? Did I really make the one person I love with all my heart hurt himself like this?

"Hyunseung-hyung, you have to stop. You are perfect. You have always been perfect, you never had to do any of this, I'm sorry, I should have told you about everything, I should have, I'll never forgive myself. Promise me that you'll stop. Because really, I love you. With all my heart. Really."

Junhyung laid his hands on Hyunseung's shoulders. He could feel him shaking, and he looked into the eyes of the older boy. Tears were flowing down his cheeks, and a smile spreading across his lips. A smile that for once, looked real.

"I love you. I'll stop. Just promise nothing will happen with Hara."

"Nothing will ever happen with her. I only want you."