I was sitting in my bed flicking through old photo albums of my friends and family. I let all the memories, both happy and sad, wash over me as the rain pounded on the roof. My window was slightly open to let a cool breeze in. The smell of the rain washed over me just the same as the memories did. I turned the page to see a photo of me and Jinki. We were sitting next to each other at the beach, writing words in the sand. He was an old friend, but you could say that I wanted him to be more than that. He was an old friend, one that I missed a lot. Whenever it is raining I always expect him to walk through the door, like he did before. He always loved the rain. I can remember when we were younger and he would come over to my house and throw rocks at my window so I would know that he was there. We would go downstairs and sit on the stairs just to talk about anything and everything for hours or until the rain stopped. He was one of those people who you could just talk to about anything and he would just listen.

As the memories flashed through my mind a tear fell out of my eye and rolled down my face, “Jinki, please come back.”

As I spoke thunder cracked and the rain changed direction and started to bang on my window, the wind slammed it shut. I like to think when that happened, he was trying to talk to me, but he could never turn the works into English. I turned to the next page in the album and a crumpled, tattered and folded note fell out. I knew what it was. I have read it over and over a thousand times. I unfolded the tattered paper and read the words written on it,

“Jamie,

I’m sorry that it came to this,

I wish that things could have changed.

I wish things could have changed me, for the better.

Please remember me as the happy person I was before,

Don’t let this change your opinion of me.

I know that you love me, and I love you, but I couldn’t let anything happen between us.

Only because I know that I would have ended it before I could really love you.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you,

I’m sorry I left,

I’m sorry I left you alone,

I’m sorry I couldn’t be stronger,

I’m sorry I couldn’t fight past my demons,

I’m sorry I let them win,

I’m sorry for putting you through so much pain.

My heart is yours to keep and to hold on to forever…

Please hold on to love one more time for me.

I’m sorry I ended it this way.

But, now I am free…”

It has been a year since his end. I can still feel him around at night when it rains. I carefully folded the letter back and placed it where it was before, only for me to discover it again later in life. I closed the photo album and set it down on my desk. I looked out my window, the thunder had stopped and now it was just a light drizzle. I walked outside on to the balcony. I stopped and smiled, “Oppa, you are now free. But what am I, where am I in life? How far do I have to go before I can see you again? How long do I have to wait before we can be one?”