Final
Pretending
It's been a while since I've seen Jongin. He said in that phonecall we exchanged two days ago that he was doing well, and in turn I replied that everything in my life was going according to plan. I was lying, but I don't think he was. Life kind of changes it's path for people like him. You know the kind, the ones that the universe smiled upon when they were born, and nothing really bad happens to them. Only small trivial things, like me.
It's not like my life is ruined now that he's out of it. It's not that at all. It's just that it's dulled considerably since he left. And that's fine. I always liked the old black and white movies better anyway. No colour, just classical looking actors and scenery. Jongin was my colour. If that's true, do you think I were the black lines he filled in? It makes sense.
He was abstract, swirling and flowing until someone like me came to stiffen him up and capture him. But he escaped. And I would feel guilty if he didn't. Someone like him isn't meant to be confined by someone like me, imprisoned in nothingness.
Actually, if I'm being truthful, my life isn't going all that bad. I signed up for an art class at the community center. And I'm not bragging or anything, but I'm pretty good at art.
My favourite part of the art class isn't the fact that I'm one of the better artists in the class, it's the beautifl spaciousness of the room, and the way the sunlight is filtered into the room, creating just enough light for a masterpiece. Masterpieces, in my opinion, need either a large amount of light or a frightening amount of dark to make it special. That’s in my experience.
My least favourite part in the person who sits in front of me. His backside makes him look exactly like Jongin. The same hair colour, height, and even the way he laughs, it’s all the same. But he’s not the same person, I already know. His name is Taemin, and although his resemblance to Jongin is striking, it’s just not the same.
His skin colour is fair, unlike the darkness I loved about Jongin. He was self-conscious about it, I don’t know why. It made him just the more beautiful.
He flirts with the girls that sit beside him. It could have been because I was dating him at the time, but Jongin always seemed quite shy around girls. If he noticed a pretty one, it wasn’t out- right staring that came from him. It was a shy smile directed to the ground, and stolen glances. Not inappropriate jokes like the ones that spurted from Taemin’s full lips.
No matter how I think about it, Taemin can just never compare. He can’t ever replace the hole in my chest, or would I want him to. I like it there, it makes sure I never forget Jongin.
But every once in a while, I sneak a glance at the backside of Taemin, because it just looks so much like Jongin. And that numbs the pain for a little bit. Just because otherwise, it is just too much to bear all the time.
Besides, it’s okay to pretend.
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