Autumn is usually a relaxing season. For me, I like to embrace the subtle warmth of lazy Autumn afternoons by laying on the cushioned swing in my backyard. That feeling of letting all my worries escape from my often puzzled mind is exquisite. But in honesty, there were some Autumn's where I was completely unsettled both physically and mentally.

One particularly non-relaxing Autumn that I always comes to mind is the Autumn of 2004.

I was a ninth grader back then. A ninth grader who was still finding her feet in a confronting environment. I wanted to fit in with my classmates and be on good terms with my sunbaes. I knew a few seniors, like Myungsoo oppa and his friends but I wasn't particularly close with them. I hadn't known why, but it was probably because they were slightly envious that a little junior was much closer to the 'almighty' Kim Myungsoo than they were. One factor that made my struggle harder than I originally wanted was being entangled into a 'two-sided-crush-relationship' fiasco.

During the beginning of that Autumn, a sweet and understanding boy, who I truthfully taken a 'slight' interest in, had confessed to me. His confession happened abruptly on Valentine's Day and though I was really happy like any girl would, I unfortunately did not have the guts to reciprocate his feelings. I was too shy. I held myself back when I clearly wanted to take steps forward. That led to the boy himself basically avoiding me at all costs. I just kept hoping that he'll try again. And one day, he finally did.

...

It was during our school's annual swimming carnival when the tables of my love life flipped.

That morning, Ye Eun and Jieun arrived at my house so we could go to the swimming arena together in Bummie oppa's car. The girls and I had decked out with blue coloured streamers, balloons, hair spray and glowsticks for our cheerleading props. Cheering for the athletes in our faction and sharing fruity lollipops and candy were the highlight of carnivals. We still competed in some events, but none of us were the standout performers.

As soon as we arrived at the venue, we rushed our way to our faction's tent.

"Hey girls, over here!" Doojoon, our faction's team captain called from the side.

"Captain Yoon!" Ye Eun called as she gave the boy a high-five. Jieun and I followed suit.

"Hi, Doojoon-ah! Are you ready to dominate everyone?" I greeted with a wide smile before Doojoon pulled me into a friendly hug.

"Yes I am! Just watch me! I'm going to beat them all!" Doojoon said sarcastically. Sure, he had (and still has) a pretty high self-esteem compared to my other male friends but he can sometimes lose confidence in his abilities. I never doubted him though.

"Good! Let's win today!" Jieun and I cheered.

The girls and I sat ourselves at the front, just behind Captain Yoon. Once we were settled, I had started to skim my eyes through the crowd, just to see if our other classmates had arrived or not. My younger self definitely noticed that one person in particular hadn't arrived yet.

Being the worry-bee I was, I had begun to wonder where that person was, whether he was sick, whether he was in the toilet or whether if he couldn't make it to the carnival. Naively, the smile plastered on my face began to disappear, like if it was the end of the world. But, it clearly wasn't. Life didn't stop at that point.

The boy had arrived not long after. I had let out a sigh of relief. My emotions weren't always in check back to those days where I was so unsure about everything. I was conscious about every little facet about the boy. It was like a mental war, since I didn't want anyone to notice.

But all my friends knew. Hell, the boy wasn't that oblivious to my peculiar actions either.

So, there I was, trying to compose myself before the boy could potentially approach me. But as usual, I ran out of time and it wasn't long until my cheeks began to flourish in front of the boy's two eyes.

"So Eun-ssi! There you are! Good morning." Junho greeted, as he flashed his signature, charming smile.

"O-oh, Junho-yah. G-good morning to you too..." I mumbled with a shy smile.

"Are you ready to win for our team? I heard that you are our ace!" Junho said. He raised his left hand and playfully patted my head, like I was his a puppy.

"Haha, no way! I can only freestyle for like 25 metres. Our Captain Yoon is the superstar swimmer of our team, not me." I joked. I wasn't a strong swimmer at all. I could swim to survive if I was in threat of being drowned but I wasn't a missile.

Junho's facial expression darkened for some strange reason. Had I offended him?

"Yah, Yoon Doojoon isn't all that. I can take him in the 100 metres butterfly. Plus my biceps are bigger than his! See!" Junho defended. Yes, he did flex his biceps in front of me. I tried not to let my jaw drop to the ground. They were pretty big for a high schooler and much bigger than Doojoon's. They are about triple the size now, rightly so for a 20-odd year old.

"Okay, okay. Your biceps are bigger. You can swim better. Your grades are better. Are you happy now, kid?" I rolled my eyes at him.

"Pretty satisfied. But I want to point out one more thing I have over him." Junho bickered. Guys like him are like competitive animals who have starved for centuries.

"And what is that, Mr. I-Am-The-Best?" I teased.

"Kim So Eun likes me way more than Captain Yoon!" Junho screamed before he sprinted out of my sight.

That flirty kid knew it all. And yet, he still had his hot and cold moments. Before that day, he was cold for a while.

But as soon as he became hot like a freshly made cup of ramen, my younger self warmed up to him immediately.

...

The carnival was quite a success for our faction. As expected, our captain's performance was near flawless.Four first placed wins, and two second placed. Funnily enough, the races Doojoon lost were indeed to Lee Junho in the butterfly finals for 50 metres and 100 metres. The boy wasn't talking up himself for nothing. It was a relief that both of them were on our team, meaning more points in our favour. Jieun competed in a couple of events and even came first in the 50 metres backstroke. She had a strong upper body compared to all the other girls. Kikwang, who was in the Green faction, was having an internal battle with his pride to not congratulate his precious girlfriend. We all had a blast laughing at the hopeless boy. Ye Eun came second in a few events too. The best result for me was a fourth placing in the 100 metres freestyle. I was pretty proud of myself for lasting the distance without you know, failing after the first 25 let alone coming fourth. My friends were proud too. Junho and Doojoon were slightly ecstatic, it was like they were happier than myself. Well, strong support is better than none at all.

In the end, it was a tight battle between our faction and the Red faction. But thankfully, we won overall with more first placings than them. As kids, we were over the moon. We loved that winning feeling. Silly Kikwang's faction came last, and he just came over to our side and celebrated with us instead of sticking by his teammates. I guess he chose love over his pride. He was a sweet, sometimes dramatic, boy back then. He is still the same hopeless romantic now.

So, we all decided to celebrate by heading to our favourite ice cream shop for a good ol' ice cream party. Doojoon's parents offered to come pick us all from the pool to send us there in their spacious van. We shyly accepted their offer, so we all waited together for them to arrive outside the entrance.

Loud chatter and outrageous laughter that could be heard from the main road was caused because of us bunch of kids being so thrilled with the win and getting treated with dessert. Suddenly, I had felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to face the person. That person was none other than Lee Junho.

"What's up, Junho-ah?" I questioned coolly.

"Hey, I don't think I can join you guys...I have a guitar lesson at 3:30." Junho said with a sad smile. I pouted slightly in disappointment.

"Aw, no worries. You're busy...I'm sure the guys won't mind." I said.

"Sorry, So Eun-ah. I'll definitely take you next time." Take me? Who is he kidding? Is he indirectly asking me out? No, can't be. He means as friends. A startled reaction was what I gave Junho. His words did more than just create a butterfly wreck in my tender intestines. It tweaked all those girly, giddy and weak emotions that every adolescent had. He said them for a reason. He wasn't stupid, as he was clearly aware of my feelings. Junho had that kind of impact on me back then. I never really adjusted myself or gotten used to it.

"Ah...yeah, sure. I guess I'll see you at school." I mumbled quickly, before preparing to safely make my escape.

Junho held onto my hand to prevent me from running.

"Wait! I need to ask you about one more thing, So Eun. Please stay just to hear me out and then you can go eat ice cream." Junho pleaded, which I reluctantly gave into.

"O-okay."

"So, um, I've wanted to ask you this for a while. But I couldn't find the right time to...so here it goes," Junho stuttered as he had taken a deep breath.

My heartbeat pumped so hard that you could notice my chest heaving.

"Do you remember what I told you in the winter?" Here it goes nothing. It is now or never, Kim So Eun. You know exactly what he said on Valentine's Day. D-day had arrived for the courage-less me and the ambitious and raw like sashimi Junho.

"Y-yes, I do." I nodded very slowly.

"So, you avoiding me on most days and not responding to my confession means that...you don't like me back. Am I right, Kim So Eun?" Junho asked seriously, as he looked me in the eyeball. How could he not know? My younger self did not fully understand the confusing games that Junho used to play...or she wasn't used to them, at least not at that moment.

"No, it's not like that at all! Please don't misunderstand...you know, I struggle to express myself. I'm really scared about everything and--" I explained desperately, before Junho pulled me into his arms.

"It's okay, So Eun. I won't misunderstand. But, please be honest with me," Junho said as he my hair.

"How do you really feel about me?"

I pulled back slightly and glared into Junho's worried eyes.

"I-I...like you too, Junho-ah." I confessed, with a smile in relief. I had finally found the strength and confidence out of my fragile heart to say the words that I had dreamt and wanted to say for a long time. It was my second, proper confession to a boy. It was like I accomplished a life mission where success was unlikely. It was a feeling that I have never forgotten.

Junho pulled me back into his embrace.

"So, Kim So Eun, now that you like me back...Would you be my girlfriend?" Junho giggled. Yes, he giggled like how a little girl would.

"Yes, I would love to be your girlfriend, Lee Junho." I answered, before Junho's giggles made me burst into laughter.

"Thank you, Kim So Eun! Now, I have to leave my pretty girlfriend to do boring stuff while she goes to eat ice cream. Aigoo, is this how we are going to date?" Junho sulked, as he finally released me from his hold.

"Hah, just go Junho-ah. I'm hungry and you're parents are here. Bye, kid!" I said, as I placed a small kiss on his cheek and sprinted back to the group who were heading into Doojoon's car.

"Don't sit next to or share ice cream with that Doojoon bastard! Do you hear me, So Eunnie?!" Aish, this boy. Well, jealous boyfriends be jealous. Possessive girlfriends be possessive. We are all the same.

Being my playful self, I just stuck my tongue out at him and hopped into the van with the screaming company of my best friends.

The strawberry sundae I had that day never tasted sweeter.

Love does weird things to people. It can be unsettling at first, or throughout the entire cycle. That depends on just how well a couple can adjust and make shifts to create a shell where both can fit inside. Of course, we all want to gain closure to all our doubts and anxiety but what some don't realise is that gaining that closure isn't the most important thing in a relationship. Understanding that those dark things exist and accepting that they are inevitable is likely to be more vital. There were so many worries that surrounded my almost-fifteen-year-old self's first relationship with Lee Junho. But I was willing to give it a real shot, after being so indecisive and reluctant. Truthfully, I believed that Junho was a person that I trusted to hold onto my glass-like heart. So, nothing could have stopped me, him, us from walking hand-in-hand into what should be a blissful and enchanting experience. However, the question was, how long could we stay inside that sparkling and carefree bubble? Not one of us could have possibly predicted that back then. We were just simply, and innocently, happy.