The pitter-patter of the rain outside made Yifan open his eyes. He growled when he saw the hour, how ungodly, it was just 5 am in the morning. The great rain messed up again with his senses when a sudden thunder made his body halt and then he felt something right at his side. It was someone, actually.

He adjusted his sight and then opened his eyes at the sudden realization: he was there, at a place he once promised not to come back ever again.

Even when he know it was wrong, he smiled; his heart fluttering every time the other person hugged him closely in his dream with every thunder resonating in the room. This was home, even if he tried to deny it until his mouth gone dry, the sense of belonging was right there in the hands of his beloved one.

The pitter-patter was still there but it matched his flailing heart when he remembered all the things he did to the other person a couple of hours ago.

He promised with tears staining his face to never come back for the sake of the other young man but it was inevitable, he had to return to the love of his life.

Yifan remembered the moans, the touches, the kisses; the ‘more, more, harder, please’ and the extreme pleasure he felt when he saw stars shining in his sight, the heavy breathing, the sweat, the smell of passion, everything was in his senses, unforgettable, unstainable.

“I’m not good, I don’t deserve you”, he remembered telling to the other boy, a short, brunette and pale one with a dimple in his cheek and blossoming flowers in his heart.

“I don’t care, please, just don’t go”, the other cried.

“You’ll find someone else”, he said and then walked away, leaving behind a dimpled boy with tears flooding his beautiful face, that face he loved the most and he knew he wasn’t able to touch because he was like a demon, he was rotten, he was broken and nothing could change that, not even the good intentions of the other person, not even his own will; he couldn’t change and he was afraid of breaking the other boy like someone did before with him.

He grimaced at his stupidity, how fool he was when he thought he could just leave behind the most precious feelings he had ever shared with someone. It wasn’t just the amazing nights full of passion, it was the cuddling in front of the television, it was watching stupid movies and laugh about how scared you were with that scene; it was eating the best meals, even better than the ones made in a fancy restaurant because they were made with love. It was heading home with the hope of seeing a smile, a presence, it was just something else more.

He never thought of that, too blind with his own sins to catch a glimpse of his happiness, their happiness together. The true reason wasn’t that he was trying to do a favor to the other, the truth was that he was really afraid of getting too immersed into it to lose himself. He didn’t want to repeat that story again.

His work was about to confront criminals everyday just to make them confess their faults but he was afraid of looking at himself in the reflections because his only crime was loving someone so much to the point of being stupid. He was too afraid to accept that his heart was lost and then someone found it and tried to take care of it in the better ways; he just had to trust but he was taught not to do it in any circumstance.

This circumstance, though, was worth the trust, the pain and the lost.

It was decided. When the boy snuggled closer to him started to stir in his sleep and frown deeply, he knew what he had to do. He kissed the frown away and giggled at the cute pout the other did. It wasn’t about killing, searching, punching and finding the guilty ones anymore. It was about finding the reason to come back, to spend his days stuck in the same spot just to see that same image again.

He proceed to trace the beautiful factions of the other man: the tiny ears, the mop of brown hair, the still frowning brows, the cute cheeks, the little nose, the luscious lips, the jawline; he stopped when he thought the boy in front of him started to shake. Maybe he was about to wake up, how inconsiderate of him, it was just 5 am, what a prick.

But the other didn’t, he remained like that until some sobs made their way through his lips and the trembles of his body became more eager. Something was wrong, Yifan confirmed it when the bed wasn’t a quiet place anymore and the boy lying beside him began to move and roll and shake his head, crying at the same time.

“Yixing”, he said softly to wake the other up and he got no response, just a couple of muffled words and still a hectic body, “wake up, it’s okay, it’s just a nightmare”.

The said boy tensed up and sweat became visibly in his features. Yixing opened his eyes suddenly and started to look around, scared, unsure. He spotted Yifan and water began to cloud his vision, was he dreaming again? He tried to say something, to pronounce just a word but nothing came up, words couldn’t find their way when a pair of tender lips sealed his to keep him steady.

“You-“, Yixing stuttered but Yifan shushed him again with a kiss, more passionate but still delicate as the first one.

“I won’t go away”, Yifan whispered in the other’s lips.

“I’m not going to let you”, Yixing replied while his eyes kept on crying while Yifan hugged him and kissed him and made love to him like if it was the last time.

Yifan was lost but he was happy to be if Yixing would always be by his side in the morning. He could look at himself in the mirror and say with a huge smile in his face that he was guilty of all his crimes, especially that one involving a petite boy with a dimpled cheek and sparkly eyes.

The pitter-patter of the rain outside made Yifan open his eyes. He growled when he saw the hour, how ungodly, it was just 5 am in the morning. The great rain messed up again with his senses when a sudden thunder made his body halt and then he stared at the empty space beside him. There were no Zhang Yixing to hug closely anymore.

He was guilty of loving cowardly but he wouldn’t voice it out. All his cravings had to remain as mere dreams if he wanted the welfare of the person he loved the most.

After all, he had promised to never come back.

Fin

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID OK I'M SORRY