I really don’t now what is in his heart. He says he loves me but occasionally I found him look at my best friend with the look that he used to put when he look at me.

Love!

That’s what I read from his eyes when he looks at my best friend.

What should I do? Every time I bring it up to our conversation, we will end up fighting and he crying. He will bent on his knee and swear that he doesn’t like what I pointed him to be.

“Su baby… you here?”I open our share room when go home from work and walk straight to our room.

No one. The room is empty and feels so cold.

I walk inside and throw my coat to the bed and go to bathroom hope that my lover is there. I knock on the door, “Baby you there?” but I didn’t get any answer and anyone when I open the door.

I walk to the bed again while ed my shirt and throw it across the room and lay on the bed. I put my left hand on my forehead and close my eyes.

‘Where did he go?’

Then I recall our conversation or fight last night. It’s really giving me headache.

FLASHBACK

“Su, I see you hang out a lot with Changmin…”I begin as sit beside him that soon laid his head on my lap.

“Me? With Changmin?”He asks and laughs his special laugh. “I just talk about our project Chun…”

I hate to admit but Junsu and Changmin is classmate in college and take same subject then they be paired to one of final project. Oh, Changmin just move to Junsu’s college three months ago.

He begin play with my shirt collar, something he always do when he lie to me. I grab his hand and bring it to my lips and plant a soft kiss on it. I smile and lift his head from my lap and get up to take a cup of coffee from kitchen.

Something I usually do when stress and angry but can’t vent it out.

“Just don’t lie…”I said before disappear from living room.

“Don’t be so suspicious toward your boyfriend and for God sake Changmin is your best friend.”

He took the cup from my hand and pours hot coffee from the hot pot. I was eyeing him with so much love but also piss in my eyes.

“And don’t drink coffee too much. How many times I should tell you?”He hand me the cup and lean on the counter and stare at me.

I sighed and took a sip after blew it.

“Listen Chunnie. You know why I’m with Changmin most of times. Beside you are so busy this past week, I feel lonely, I…”

“You used to be hanging out with Jae if it’s happened.”I cut him off. Once again sip my coffee.

“Yoochun…”

I leave him before he could say something else. I knew he follow me because I can hear his hard breathing. Something that always happened when he begin to panic and nervous.

“Yoochun-ah, what happen to you? Why you…”

“IT’S SHOULD BE ME WHO ASK, WHAT HAPPEN TO YOU KIM JUNSU?!”I turn around and yell at him. He jumped a little startled of my sudden yell.

“W… What?”

“As you said, he is my best friend! CHANGMIN IS MY ING BEST FRIEND!”

I throw the cup on to the floor make it smash into pieces and a piece seem flying and landed on my check just below the eyes. So close. I can feel something warm slid from that cut.

Junsu looked so surprised. He brought his hand to wipe the blood away from my wound but I slap his hand. His eyes grew wide and then look down.

“Please don’t be like this….”

“No! Please don’t be like this Junsu-ah…”I grabbed his shoulder. “Don’t cheat on me, please….”

He lifted his face fast and shook his head.

“I’m not cheating on you… why do you think like that?”His voice shaking and tears streaming from his eyes.

His shivering hands cupped my face and rubbed his finger on my cheek, wipe the blood away.

“You have same eyes when you look at Changmin as you look at me if not more. You always laugh at every joke Changmin made although you know that it’s not funny at all…”

“It’s… it’s just…”

“You always talk about Changmin! You know that?”

For the second time his eyes grew wider and he retreat his hand from my face.

“Didn’t you realize that? Since you know Changmin you always talk about him. You always ask me about him. If you not meet him for a day, you will sulking and whine about he doesn’t give a call. How can you explain that? Huh?”

“Yoochun-ah, I….”

“YOU EVEN NEVER DO THAT TO ME, HAVE YOU?!”

He startled again and crying harder.

I release his shoulder from my grab.

“Can’t you look someone else to cheat with so that I can beat him up or kill him?”

“I’m not cheating….”He deny in so low voice.

“You not but will….”

With that I leave him to my work room.

I can hear him knock on my door and yelling my name and about he didn’t and won’t cheat, but I’m too mad right now. I can’t face him without yelling more and even beat him up.

“Yoochun-ah, please….”

“Just go away!”

END OF FLASHBACK

“He didn’t really go, did he?”I ask myself and get up from the bed and walk to widows.

I really don’t know why I walk to windows and look down outside, because what I see outside and down there is a view that really make my heart sick.

Without thinking, I run downstairs and stream outside my house. I pull Junsu by shoulder part him from Changmin who kiss him. I punch Changmin on the face make him fall from his motorcycle.

“Yoochun-ah!”Junsu yell and hug me, prevent me to hit Changmin again. “Yoochun, no!”

I look at him with disbelieve and he cry again.

Ohm I hate it!

“No Yoochun, don’t… please…”

I turn at Changmin who already get up hold his face and to Junsu again who hug me tight.

“Finally you do it…”I say push his hand from my body but he hug me tighter.

“No…”

How could he do that? What I have done wrong to him? I always try to make him happy since I know him and try even harder when we become lovers. But just now, my lover, my damn fiancé, kissing with another guy in front of me and that damn guy is my ing best friend.

“Yoochun-ah…”

“SHUT UP! JUST CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, YOU BATARD!”I blew at Changmin who try to speak without look at him.

I’m too mad right now to hear a word of explanation or depend. I even don’t care about my shivering fiancé that still hug me.

Junsu burry his face on my chest and hug me even tighter to the extend I can’t breath. 

I push him away harshly till he falls on the ground but hurry to hug my leg. I stare at him with hurt, love, disappointed, angry, and anything seems mix in my heart right now.

“Please Chunnie…. I…”

“Don’t say a thing, you !”It’s the first time I and bad to Junsu.

He is the one I love more than life itself.

“Park Yoochun, don’t call him that!”’

“I SID JUST SHUT YOUR ING MOUTH UP!”I shut Changmin up again.

I look down at Junsu again. “Let me go!”I demand and he shook his head no. “Let me go!” he keep shook his head, “I SAID LET ME GO!”

He releases my leg after I shout at him and he hug hid knee to his chest and crying.

I go to my room again and grab my car’s key then to garage and Junsu already in Changmin arms who try to calm him down.

Damn! It’s hurt!

I get into my car and drove away from that dame house with my lover and best friend hugging each other.

Maybe, just maybe, if Junsu cheat with someone else, I will still forgive him. But this, he cheat with my best friend, my childhood friend, I can’t take it. Really, it’s hurt me more than he knows I am.

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