The 1st stage of grief is denial.

 

Youngjae sat in front of Daehyun's grave, staring at the gold letters engraved in the stone.

 

JUNG DAEHYUN

1993 - 2013

 

Youngjae ran his fingers across the letters. "Disappear. Disappear. Disappear" he chanted as he rubbed the letters of Daehyun's name on the tombstone, as though if he rubbed hard enough, the letters would disappear & Daehyun would suddenly not be dead. His death is not real. It can't be. Daehyun promised to never leave him. Even if BAP split up & they got married & had kids with their respective spouses, they will always be bestfriends. Daehyun promised. Youngjae rubbed the letters harder and harder till his fingers turned red. Why won't the letters disappear? Daehyun is not dead! He is not. Daehyun is fine. He's at home. He's fine. Youngjae told himself over and over again. Youngjae rubbed at the letters again, his vision suddenly blurry, the tears finally came. It's like the dam broke & his tears came pouring down hard & fast. He couldn't breathe.

 

Youngjae cried long and hard, cried for the pain he's feeling, cried for his bestfriend's death, cried for himself, cried for not being able to protect Daehyun, cried for the fact that if he had not force Daehyun to go to the convenience store to get more banana milk, Daehyun would not have gotten knocked down & killed by the reckless drunk driver. Youngjae rather live without banana milk if it means he could have his bestfriend back. Because how the hell is he supposed to live now? Daehyun is his bestfriend. And he's gone. And Youngjae doesn't know if he can live normally again.

 

Sobs racked through his body as fresh tears poured down his face again. "I'm sorry Daehyun. I'm so so sorry. It's my fault. You shouldn't have died. I should have been the one. I'm sorry Dae. Come back Daehyun. Please. Come back. I know you’re not dead. You’re fine. You’re still here. I know. Just come back okay? Come back." he pleaded, rubbing at the engraved letters again. Youngjae felt someone pulling his hands away from the stone & then he felt the same person wrapped his or her arms around his torso, holding him as he cried. He couldn't see well through the tears that was clouding his eyes but he had a rough idea of who it was from the blurry sight of pink hair. Junhong.

 

Youngjae cried harder as he dug his nails into Junhong's arm as though if he didn't, Junhong might leave him too.

 

Youngjae's nails were drawing blood from his arm & Junhong winced at the pain but he kept quiet cos he was sure no pain is as bad the pain that Youngjae must be feeling right then. Youngjae have always been the stronger one between the both of them. Seeing him like this broke Junhong's heart. He felt helpless as Youngjae cried again in his arms. So he held Youngjae tighter and swayed him left and right, till Youngjae's sobs eventually died down. Junhong pulled the weak Youngjae up to stand & led him away from the grave & back to the van. The other members watched Youngjae with sad eyes as Junhong settled him down & took a seat beside him. He held Youngjae's hand the whole journey home.

 

The 2nd stage of grief is anger.

 

 

The following few days, Youngjae locked himself up in his room. Youngjae felt angry. He felt so so angry. Where the hell did Daehyun go? Why won’t he listen to Youngjae & just come back? Youngjae looked around his room. The room he used to share with Daehyun. He looked at Daehyun’s things, left untouched, the same way Daehyun had left them. And Youngjae got angrier. He took Daehyun’s things, pictures, anything that reminded him of Daehyun & threw it across the room. “I HATE YOU DAEHYUN! I HATE YOU!” Youngjae screamed as he stepped on the pictures and tore through Daehyun’s school books. He sat on the floor & punched Daehyun’s favorite teddy bear & threw the glass frames which held pictures of him & Daehyun against the wall. Junhong came running into the room to stop him from damaging more stuff & held him till his anger eventually simmered down & he fell asleep in Junhong’s arms. Junhong puts Youngjae into bed & proceeded to clean the mess he made.

 

 

 

The 3rd stage of grief is bargaining.

 

 

Youngjae sat in his room again & pondered. If only he hadn’t force Daehyun to go to the convenience store to get more banana milk cos they ran out of it. What if Daehyun had went a minute earlier? A minute later? Would he have died? If only he could have seen the car coming. If only the ambulance reached fast enough to take Daehyun to the hospital. If only it was Youngjae who went instead. If only, if only. He wondered why it couldn’t have been him. When Junhong came to check on him one night, Youngjae asked Junhong why it couldn’t have been him. Junhong yelled at him, said he was ridiculous, cried & left his room. He didn’t know why. So he left him to be. Junhong was probably just having a bad day.