*This is finally beta'd, my beta is here, love her ya'll. 

ily5ever soovoix

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There is a man who loves you

That man loves you wholeheartedly

Everyday, like a shadow, he follows you around

That man smiles but is actually crying inside

The first year of junior high was when Do Kyungsoo first started to look at Kim Jongin that way, with those dreamy eyes. He doesn’t remember the exact details of how they came to be friends for it seemed as if they’d already known each other a long time ago, perhaps from a previous life. But then again, Do Kyungsoo doesn’t believe in that theory of love travelling through time and space bull so he settles for being Jongin’s friend, rather than try to dig the depth of his memories for a meeting that is impossible to recall. He only knew that for as long as he could remember, it has always been Jongin, Kim Jongin, Kim ing Jongin.

Jongin likes girls though, that’s the thing.

“If you were a girl, I think I would’ve fallen in love with you hyung.” Jongin said whilst scarfing down Kyungsoo's homemade food without thinking much of it. But unlike Jongin, Kyungsoo felt those words cause him ten million times more pain than that time Jongin accidentally threw a basketball in his face.

He doesn’t say anything and merely nods.

Those words stayed with Kyungsoo as they tattooed themselves in his mind and made a home in his already battered and bruised heart.

How much, how much more

I have to gaze at you like this, alone

One of the many things that Kyungsoo loves about Jongin is that he is overwhelmingly beautiful. The way his skin dazzles under the summer sun never fails to make Kyungsoo’s heart skip a beat. The way his eyes shine at the simplest things such as homemade cookies from Kyungsoo, the way his black hair falls so effortlessly and frames his face perfectly, even those light scars on his cheeks that used to be flaming red acne to Kyungsoo, is simply breathtaking.  

Kyungsoo often finds himself mindlessly staring at the younger, dreaming of a vague reality where Jongin reciprocates his feelings.

He dreams but doesn’t dare to wish because wishes might come true, and Jongin could never be happy with someone like Kyungsoo, bland and boring.

This love that is like the wind, this love like that is beggarly

If I continue this way, will you fall in love me?

Just come a little closer, just a little bit

“Hyung, I think… I think I like Soojung and I’m ninety five percent sure that she likes me back.”

Kyungsoo doesn’t know what to say, because really, what can he say?

“Hyung?”

Kyungsoo feels his heart shattering. He knew this was coming, but why is it that one can never prepare for a heartbreak?

“Good for you Jongin.” And it was indeed, because Soojung has everything that Jongin searched for, she might as well be his Google, Kyungsoo thought bitterly.

He doesn’t dare protest, because he can’t afford to lose Jongin. Jongin who is his best friend, Jongin who lives next door, Jongin with the face of an angel, Jongin who is close to his heart, Jongin who he loves dearly with every fiber of his being. 

If I take one step closer

You take two steps back

I, the person who love you, right now at your side,

That man is crying

“Hyung, Soojung and I broke up today.” Jongin sobbed in Kyungsoo’s shoulder as he finally managed to pull together a coherent sentence.

He should feel happy, but he doesn’t because Kim Jongin is crying and he had never seen Jongin so sad.

It tears at his barely mended heart, tugging his chest so painfully he feels it throbbing.

“It’s okay, I’m here.” Kyungsoo whispers into Jongin’s hair, inhaling the scent that he will never take for granted.

“My chest, it hurts so bad. Hyung, what’s wrong with me?”

“You’re having a broken heart. It’ll pass.”

Kyungsoo out of all people knows that a broken heart does not pass, you just learn to live with it.

And that’s what he learnt to do, to live with his unrequited love for Jongin.

The dull ache is still there, but it’s more bearable.

That man is very shy

So he learned how to smile

Kyungsoo has always been shy as a child, preferring to play quietly in the corner with his power rangers rather than join the other kids in the sandbox on the playground. He gets by that way and it wasn’t until Jongin came along that he learnt to smile more, open up a little more.

“Hyung you should smile more. It suits you.” Kyungsoo shyly smiled at the small compliment, his heart leaping a thousand miles as a pretty shade of cherry blossom flourished the apples of his cheeks.

There is so much that can't be said even amongst close friends 


That man's heart is full of scars

“Hyung, Soojung and I got back together.” Jongin said as they lay together on the field of green grass for the last time, the day of Kyungsoo’s graduation.

“Good for you Jongin.” Kyungsoo repeated the sentence he said all those months ago, lips forming an almost genuine smile because he has gotten good at hiding his feelings.

It cuts deeper than he could ever imagine, because they say if you love something let it go and if it comes back then that’s how you know.

Kyungsoo then understood that Jongin and Soojung were always going to be Jongin and Soojung.

Be happy, Jongin. Be happy for all the happiness that I could never have.

Is it wrong to ask you to hold me once before you leave?

I want to be loved,

While he screams it everyday only in his heart,

Everyday inside, inside his heart

Kyungsoo cried into Jongin’s arms after the graduation ceremony and then apologized for being an emotional train wreck because he’s going to miss the younger.

But that wasn’t the only thing Kyungsoo cried for. He also cried for the knowledge that this will be the last time that he gets to hold Jongin.

Six years of blindly loving Kim Jongin and he couldn’t find it in himself to regret a single ounce of that hopeless love.

Do you know that I’m That Man?

You’re not doing this while you know, right?

Perhaps you wouldn’t know,

Because you’re just a fool

They kept in contact every now and then after Kyungsoo moved to Europe for college. He ran to the place furthest from Jongin, from that smile, but carried the burden of that love everywhere with him as it wasn’t something he could run away from. He could try running as far from Jongin as he wished but it was impossible to run away from his feelings for Jongin that were kept safely inside his heart, his mind; at the center of his existence.

He opens an email from Jongin, sent to him a little over three weeks ago in the midst of his last year of college.

Hyung,

I’m getting married to Soojung next month. I don’t know if you even read anything that I send anymore but I guess it’s worth a try. Hyung, what happened to us? Why did you have to attend a college so far away? Why do I feel so sad even though I’m getting married to the girl of my dreams in a month’s time? Am I hateful? Do you resent me? I’m sorry. I don’t even know what I’m sorry for but I’m just so sorry. I’m sorry for everything that made you resent me.

I miss you, I miss us and I would give anything to see you smile at me again. Kyungsoo hyung, won’t you see me, even just for one last time?

Jongin.

Kyungsoo booked the next flight back to Korea, back to his first and only love.

He arrived the day of the wedding, standing outside the wedding hall, not daring to enter. Shaking slightly, Kyungsoo gathered all the courage he had left and slowly pushed through the door, taking a seat in the back row. There he spots Jongin looking as breathtaking as ever in his suit. He wanted to cry at the sight of the man that has held his heart in the palm of his hand for the past ten years.

The aching in his heart that he had gotten used to over the past 10 years suddenly doubled, tripled and multiplied until he found it difficult to breathe.

The music then started, revealing Soojung in a beautiful wedding dress walking down the aisle with her father. She was nothing short of absolute perfection.

A small smile tugged at Kyungsoo’s lips, knowing that Jongin was in good hands because Soojung has always been a lovely person from his past encounters with her as Jongin’s girlfriend.

Jongin’s eyes seemed to continuously scan the crowd in search for a familiar face.

And he finds him, found Do Kyungsoo.

With all these mixed feelings stirring his insides, Kyungsoo can’t find it in himself to focus on the ceremony taking place.

“Do you, Kim Jongin, take Jung Soojung to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?”

“I…I…”

Kyungsoo finally paid attention towards the soon to be married couple and was confused as to why there was such a commotion taking place.

“I love…Do Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo wasn’t sure if it was the jetlag messing with him or if he has just gone insane because did Kim Jongin just confess his love for Kyungsoo in front of hundreds of people? And why the hell was there a faint almost unnoticeable smile on Soojung’s lips?

“Finally you have the balls to admit it, you fool.” Soojung lifted her veil and punched Jongin in the shoulder. “I love you Kim Jongin, but not enough to live with you when your heart belongs somewhere else.”

“I’m sorry Soojung, I-“

“Stop apologizing, you already did so four years ago.”

And with one last smile towards Soojung, Jongin walked to where Kyungsoo was seated, grabbing him by the wrist before running out the door of the wedding hall, not looking back once, because he knew that he got the right person this time. Jongin didn’t stop running until he was nearly out of breath.

“Hyung…Kyungsoo.” The younger said once his breathing stabilized. “I love you.”

“I...since when?”

“Four years ago when Soojung and I broke up for the first time. It’s been four years since I started wishing for you.”

“You’re ten years too late,”

Jongin frowned. “But hyung I-”

“And a life time too early, idiot.”

The heartache from the past ten years were nothing compared to the bliss that swept Kyungsoo off his feet when Jongin’s lips met his for the first time.

Pulling away slightly, with lips still lingering on each other Kyungsoo whispered those words of love that he thought would remain with him ‘til the last of his days for the first time.

“I love you too, stupid Kim Jongin.”