This is it?

Sehun lifted his sunglasses up to rest on the top of his head as he slammed the car door behind him and slowly took in the tiny cottage that stood before him. He double checked the number on the report the private investigator had given him with the number on the front door. 1325.

This was it.

The private investigator got back to him within two days and informed him that the family had moved back to China. He also mentioned that Luhan’s last seen position was at the airport. Only his family members had been spotted but Luhan was nowhere to be seen. But a lead was still a lead. If his family was here, Sehun was certain Luhan would be here as well. So here he was, standing in the blistering heat in Haidian District, Beijing, China. The house in front of him was no bigger than the tiny apartment Luhan and his family lived in when they were in Korea. Lifting the box of expensive ginseng wine, Sehun signalled for his butler to wait in the car for him and walked to the door. Taking a deep breath, he lifted his free hand and knocked down hard on the door twice. The wait stretched my faith and patience as my heart thudded rapidly against my chest.

Finally, the door creaked opened slowly and Sehun came face to face with a very haggard looking Mrs Xi. The ghost of that eager smile that was always present on her face haunted the downcast eyes and the pink undertone that she had was now gone, leaving her face thin and haunt. She fixed her eyes on him and recognition shone before it was replaced by resignation. As she wordlessly opened the door further to let him in, Luhan’s brother and father were standing there in the middle of the tiny living room, watching Sehun with the same resignation in her eyes. He had expected hate and anger for what he had done to their son/brother. Yet they were so resigned and docile. Something was wrong. Very very wrong.

The first words sobbed out by his choking voice, oppressed with worry and urgency, were--

"Where is he?"

They led him to the room where Luhan sat, his back facing the door, his front facing the window overlooking the city. Sehun involuntarily let out a breath, that breath of relief when the person you had been yearning for so badly was now in front of you, as tears welled up in his eyes.

“Luhan.” It came out as a choke.

Luhan neither turned nor said a word.

Sehun tentatively took a step forward before stopping, quite unsure of how to approach the boy sitting in front of him. Somehow he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to go up to him and touch him. The tension in the air was so tight like a rubber band pulled so hard that it was about to snap.

Remaining in his distance away from Luhan, Sehun began to speak, to fill the silence, to say what he had been wanting to say so badly the past couple of days.

“Luhan.

I’m sorry. I don’t know what went through my mind but now I can see. I’m sorry that I was so quick to judge, so quick to assume. I’m sorry I let my anger and hurt blind me and my trust for you. I didn’t mean to let you down, you must believe me. I’ve waited long to tell you how much it matters to me just to be right here with you. I don’t want to feel the way I do. I just want to be right near with you. I don’t want to see us apart.

So I’ll say it straight from my heart.

I miss you.

So very much.”

Finally, Sehun saw some movement as Luhan hunched forward ever so slightly and his shoulders shuddered. Is he crying? Sehun wondered, aching so bad to run forward and wrap his arms around the boy. Then Luhan spoke. Barely a whisper, hardly a sound in the wind.

“You shouldn’t have come.”

“I shouldn’t have come? I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I can’t breathe when my heart is broken into two. Everything I ever knew seems to be a lie without you. So say that because I need you. Yes, I’ve been a fool, and I see the price to pay now. Living without you tore me apart when I knew how I could have been with you by my side. Sleepless nights haunt me endlessly. The only dream I ever had was being with you. I don’t want to fight anymore, heck, I’d even forgot what we were fighting about. And the loneliness in my heart won’t let me be apart from you. I don’t want have to live without you in my life anymore, it hurts too much. Please say that you’ll forgive me instead and that we could go back to the way we were before. Please

I still love you, still want you, oh, how I need you.

Tell me.

Do you still love me, still want me, like I need you? “

Silence.

Defeat and despair was crawling into Sehun’s heart as he stood frozen in the ground. Luhan slowly turned his chair around to face Sehun. The sight frightened Sehun beyond anything he had experienced all his life. There was only one kind of shock worse than the totally unexpected: the expected for which one had refused to prepare. Dark circles under Luhan’s eyes had sunk so deep in contrast to his pale greyish skin that there was a frightening resemblance to a fresh corpse.

“I don’t have much time left, Sehun ah.”

~

The next few days passed in a flurry. Sehun flew Luhan and his entire family back to Korea, opening up his house to them. He admitted Luhan into the best hospital in the country to better diagnose what was going on.

Acute myeloid leukaemia or AML for short.

Leukaemia.

Cancer of the blood.

The cancer of the myeloid line of blood cells, characterized by the rapid growth of abnormal white blood cells that accumulate in the bone marrow and interfere with the production of normal blood cells, to be exact.

Some of the symptoms came back right smack in Sehun’s face and he could only curse at himself for not realising earlier. The bruising, the shortness of breath. He should have known. He should have insisted for Luhan to go for a check-up. He should have…

The doctor said that Luhan’s case was caused by a preleukemic blood disorder that had evolved into AML. While AML was a curable disease, the cancer in Luhan’s body had been in him for at least five to six years that it had hit the main bloodstream making the cancer so wide-spread that there was really no treatment available for him.

“Sorry, Mr Oh. There is nothing we can do for him.”

Sehun sat in the empty doctor’s office after the doctor left to give him some privacy. Three weeks. Three weeks were all the doctor gave Luhan to live. At that very moment, Sehun’s whole world went black. Air looked black. Light looked black. He sat in the chair and stared at the black walls.

This couldn’t be happening, no, this isn’t real.

No.

Reality came crashing down like horrid waves pushing him deeper and deeper into the sea of despair. He gasped for air as his lungs constricted and his heart squeezed. He clenched his chest in vain efforts to stop the pain. And then he wept. Weeping was not the same thing as crying, It took his entire body to weep, and when it's over, he felt  he didn’t have any bones left to hold him up.

It came down to Sehun having to break the news to Luhan and his family and that was the moment for him when reality finally fully set in. He was sobbing so hard by the end of it that he couldn’t breathe. Luhans family too had broken down into horrid sobs as they collapsed to the ground under the burden of the truth. Only Luhan remained calm and composed. No tears shed. No despair showed. When his eyes met Sehun’s, the latter saw a glimpse. Of fear. Of loneliness. Of pleading. And he knew Luhan was putting up a brave front for his family. When they were finally alone, Luhan spoke of his truest and deepest feelings, confiding in the one he was most reluctant to leave behind.

“Did you mean what you said that day when you came to my house?”

“Every word, Lu, every damn word.”

“Do you still mean it now, knowing that I am dying?”

“Don’t say that, Luhan. Don’t.”

“No. I have to. I am giving you a way out. Leave. Save yourself the heartache and just leave.”

“How can I leave, when everything that I adore, everything I’m living for, Luhan, is in you,” Sehun whispered, “I meant what I said then. I mean every word now.” Tears welled in Luhan’s eyes as they continued to stare into each other.

“I’m scared,” Luhan mouthed. Leaning forward and bending over the hospital bed, Sehun wrapped his arms around the frail boy and held him close. As he cried, Luhan whispered into his chest, “I am scared of dying alone. After that day, a day without your smile was just another lonely day that passed by. And now I know how much it means to me to have you stay right here with me. The time we spend apart may have made our love grow stronger. But it hurts so bad, Sehun ah, I can’t take it any longer. But you came back. You came looking for me.

That’s all that matters.

I forgive you, if you’ll forgive me. But I don’t want to think about that.

I want to think about growing old with you. I want to be looking in your eyes. I want to be there for you, sharing in everything you do. I am scared because I don’t think I’ll have the chance to.” The thought of the limited time they have together tore Luhan apart as he shuddered violently from the sobs that rocked his entire body.

“Shhh…” Sehun smoothed his palm over Luhan’s hair. “A moment in time is all that is given to you and me. So I won’t make the same mistake of letting go. For the rest of the days that you’re here, I’m going to let you know how much you mean to me. Because every moment we share together is so precious.”

As the day passed, Luhan grew thinner and thinner, weaker and weaker, sicker and sicker. His condition worsened. Sehun tried to do as many things as he could with Luhan, anything Luhan wanted he tried to deliver as best he could in the hospital room. He brought a theatre system so that they could watch a movie together. He brought a camera to take snapshots. He brought a portable store to grill some steak as Luhan requested. He brought a karaoke system so that they could sing a duet together. He brought a jukebox so that they could dance together. He helped Luhan pen letters to his family when the latter grew too weak to hold a pen. He carried Luhan to the toilet when he became too frail to even stand on his own two feet. He spoon fed the boy when he could no longer lift a spoon. He bathed the boy every day, changed his clothes. He watched from the side as Luhan spent some time with his family. They too kept a vigil at his bedside, only leaving at night. Sometimes, Sehun’s dog would make an appearance but it could never stay long due to Luhan’s weakened immune systems. Every night the two of them lie in each other’s arms and say everything they had on their mind. They spoke of love and shared kisses. They spoke of death and discussed angels. They spoke of school and life. They spoke of anything and everything before falling asleep in the warmth of one another.

~

It had been four weeks since Luhan was first admitted into the hospital. While he still last a week longer than what the doctor had predicted, he was so sick that he could barely do anything for himself.

That night, they lie in the same hospital bed that had been the bed for the past month. There they were in their secret place, in the arms of the one they loved so very much. Both still very much awake as if afraid to fall asleep. Somehow tonight felt different. A sense of finality drifted in the cool air of the hospital room and Sehun’s heart felt unusually heavy.

“If I die tonight…” It came out as a raspy harsh whisper as Luhan struggled to garner the strength to speak.

“No. Please. Don’t say things like that.” Sehun immediatey cut him off as tears welled up in his eyes. He couldn’t. He simply didn’t want to think about death and all its darkness.

“No.” Luhan shook his head weakly, “Sehun ah, I have to.”

“Please. You have many more days to tell me things. But today, tonight, I just can’t take it.”

“I don’t have much time left, I can feel it. So let me say my piece, Sehun ah.”

Sobbing uncontrollably, Sehun buried his face in the blanket beside his tightly grasped hand over Luhan’s. It hurt so much that he could hardly breathe. Smiling sadly, Luhan slowly raised a hand to rest it on Sehun’s soft grey hair. Toying with the hair, Luhan’s heart ached as well as he knew his time was almost up. He reached out to hold Sehun’s hands in his and it felt like home. Both boys understood; this was where they belong.

So how did one say goodbye?

“If I die tonight, Sehun ah, I will go with no regrets. Look at me. Are you listening?” Sehun’s shoulders shuddered from crying so hard as he slowly peered up to fixed wet eyes on Luhan’s face. Luhan gave a gentle weak smile before continuing, “I will die with no regrets because if I die in your arms, I know that I am blessed. I am blessed to have met you. I am blessed to be loved by you. If your beautiful eyes were the last thing that I see, I know what beauty heaven holds for me. I am not afraid of death, Sehun ah, because you are beside me.

Tomorrow morning I have to leave, I can feel it, Sehun ah. We don’t want to waste this time. Give me something to remember. Let’s take tonight and never let go; we’ll kiss like there’s no tomorrow and I’ll treasure this moment till we meet again.”

“I don’t want you to go. Don’t leave me alone, Lu, I don’t want to live a life without you.”

“Remember, wherever I may be, I am always thinking of you. Anytime you miss me, just close your eyes, and I’ll be there with you. Just look to your heart and that’s where I’ll be. Until we meet again, promise me that you won’t forget. Because as long as you remember, a part of us will be together. Even when you’re fast asleep, look for me inside your dreams. Keep believing in what we’re sharing and even when I’m not there to tell you, I love you forever. Any time that I can’t be where you are, just close your eyes.

All your life, I’ll be right there beside you.”

“All my life?”

“All your life.”

~

Sorry, Mr. Oh. There is nothing more we can do but to make his final days as comfortable as possible.

As he made his way down the cold hospital hallway, the doctor's blowing words a month ago repeated over and over again on his mind. But he is so young, too young to die. Sehun felt a tearing pain in his chest, for he knew that no matter how badly he wanted for Luhan to stay alive, cancer was going to be the ultimate winner. As he dragged his heavy feet along, he stared blankly at the polished floor, watching it crawl under his feet slowly. When he arrived outside the hospital room, his hand hesitated in mid-air for a few seconds before he carefully slid the door open. Sehun stood at the door frame with his fist knotted at his side. At the sound of the door opening, Luhan glanced up. At that instant, their eyes met and fixed on each other. The anguish in Luhan's eyes made Sehun want to collapse and weep right there and then. This hurt. This hurt so bad that it felt like his heart was being carved out of his chest with a dull knife.

Because they both knew.

That their time together was coming to an end.

At that moment, Luhan lifted his arms weakly, beckoning for Sehun. Taking a few tentative steps, Sehun broke into a run and ran straight into the waiting arms. As they embraced each other, there was no words. How could there be when both their hearts were shattering into a million tiny fragments?

Slowly breaking the hug, Sehun straightened to stare deep into Luhan’s eyes. How much he wanted to tell Luhan that he had been his salvation; just by loving a lonely rich boy like him, he had healed him. He was no longer lonely; Luhan had given him a family, a friend and someone to love and cherish. He felt whole again though he didn't know how broken he was until he met the deer-like boy. More importantly, Luhan taught him to respect himself again. The thought of facing the rest of his life without this boy beside him was tearing him apart but deep inside, in a secret place of his heart, Sehun knew that he would survive. He had to. Not because he didn't need Luhan. But because the love he got from this boy had made him stronger and because Luhan would have wanted that. Although he didn’t say all that, he knew from his eyes that Luhan knew. Somehow Luhan always knew.

Somehow along the way the agonizing past month, Sehun had forced himself to tuck away all hopes that Luhan might survive. And it died a final death last night when they had that heartfelt and intimate conversation on this very hospital bed.

He leaned back in Luhan’s arms, trying his hardest not to cry and make it harder for the sickly boy. His gaze fixed on the pale white face. How he loved him. He truly could not imagine how he was going to survive without Luhan beside him. He couldn't even imagine Luhan gone.

Luhan’s family too had gathered at his bedside as they all tried to hold back their tears. No words were exchanged, just loaded glances and a truckload of heavy emotions.

Slowly Luhan’s eyes turn glassy and unfocused when they finally fell on Sehun’s face where they stayed. Sehun whispered reassurances to Luhan but despite the avowals, there was an underlying note of uncertainty and terror in his voice.

“I love you.” Luhan mouthed.

“I love you too.” Sehun whispered as tears started rolling down his cheeks uncontrollably. He leaned forward to press his lips on Luhan’s, noticing the salty taste of both their tears. Leaning back and breaking the kiss, Sehun locked his eyes on Luhan’s as they stared at each other. At that moment, the world stopped. For just a second the world stopped for the both of them.

Then, a tiny smile and he was gone.

Gone like a whisper, the easiest breath.

Closing his eyes, Sehun rest his head on the side of the bed as the painful sobs hit his body once more. The memory of Luhan so fresh and yet so distant. Nothing prepared him for the loss he felt at that instant. As the doctor came to pronounce the death, as the nurses came to collect the body, Sehun sat unmoving at his side of the bed with his eyes closed shut. Crying. Weeping. Sobbing.

Remembering.

~

There was no magical healing in death. Sehun didn’t wake up the next day fixed and joyful. It had been more than two months since Luhan left him and he still hurt and grieved. Sehun mourned with Luhan’s family, planning the funeral with them and cleaning up his room with them. He asked to keep some of Luhan’s clothes and some other items with him and Mrs Xi kindly allowed it. She would smile sadly yet gently at him, patting his arm as she said, “Don't worry, my child. Heaven has a plan for you, you'll see. Lulu may be gone but he is never far.”

On some days, it was almost bearable. But on other days, it hurt so bad that Sehun could only curl up on the floor and cry. His dog would curl up beside him and his tears away. And they would comfort each other. When he missed Luhan so bad, he would shut his eyes and think of the beautiful boy he was once so blessed to have met.

Like an angel from above.  

Sent down for him.

It was hard but memories were where Luhan would live forever.

Least to say, Sehun missed his finals and as a result, was forced to leave the school. Although the school was well aware of his predicament, he had already been a repeat student and he simply couldn’t repeat again. Before he allowed himself to be defeated and angry, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. What would Luhan say if he was here?

He found himself asking that question constantly at many junctures of his life. Whichever way the wind blows, Luhan became his guiding light that shone on through the darkest night.

Now, a year after his death, Sehun had slowly learnt to accept that he was never coming back. He still yearned for him. That yearning didn’t seem like it would ever disappear. There were days when he still became completely incapacitated with grief but those days had reduced significantly. He had begun night classes to restart his education in hopes of entering a college in the near future. He took up a job at the same ice-cream shop where Luhan used to work at. Not for the money, he had more than enough. But to surround himself with the positivity and happiness he received from the children and patrons who entered the store. After work and before his classes started, he had developed a habit of having his dinner beside the grave where Luhan was buried. Talking to him aloud had been a huge help in Sehun’s grieving process. During the weekends, Sehun sometimes volunteered his time at various charities or just spent a day out with the staff of his household.

Sometimes he worried that he had become too different, that Luhan wouldn’t love him if he saw him now.

Then he thought,

I’m different because he loved me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My first attempt at angst. Probably my last. It was way too depressing to write this that I felt like I rushed to end it off. ><

Not too sure about the medical stuff so I kind of avoided writing too much about the cancer aspect...

Hope you guys liked this short story ><

Thanks for reading! :)