The Shadows Grow Longer

In the darkness of the night I am scared

There were no beautiful farewells when they received the news. Only anguished cries that ran through the building as Jaejoong gasped, dropping to his knees, screams dying in his throat as he struggled to push air out of his lungs. His phone had dropped with a clatter next to him, the person on the other line calling out his name desperately.

“Breathe hyung. Breathe.” Yoochun squatted beside the elder as he rubbed his soulmate’s back, feeling his own tears betraying him as they started to form.

“Tell me it’s not true. Tell me it’s not true Yoochunnie ah. Tell me it isn’t.” Jaejoong mumbled over and over again as he gripped the younger’s shoulder, hard. Yoochun shook his own head as his mouth ran dry. He couldn’t force any words out of his mouth.

“It’s the truth, hyung. Accept it.” A cold voice ran through the room. Jaejoong looked up slightly to see Junsu looking out of the window, his mouth set in a grim line.

“Su ah...” Jaejoong reached out to touch the younger but Junsu avoided him, ignoring the hurt that flashed through the elder’s eyes. He headed towards his room, not before stopping and turning back to look at his two hyungs who were clinging onto each other tightly.

“Hyung. Pull yourself together.” He said before closing the door to his room, pretending not to notice the broken ‘Junsu ah’ that slipped out of his broken hyungs’ mouth and cracking sounds of his own broken heart.

~~~

When the wind blows, I'll be the wall that shields you

The week passed in a frenzy, with JYJ staying in their house the entire time, thanks to the hundreds of fans that have gathered outside their company and their house. Their phones flashed and rang with unread messages and missed calls, some expressing their concern, others informing them of their schedule for the next few days.

Yet the call they had been waiting from him never came.

~~~

To soar, find a place where your sadness will be healed

The funeral they attended was small, personal, heartbreaking, bittersweet, nostalgic all in one. There were no lingering ghosts, no love stories that expanded past eternity, no sad and sorrowful music playing. His parents were sitting at the front row, eyes staring blankly, tears flowing freely. The three of them sat together in the front row on the other side, hands clasped together, head bowed as the silent tears streamed down their faces.

There were no loud sobbings, no tissues being passed around, no words being uttered. Just silence. Silence had always suited their maknae. Ever since their debut together, ever since the lawsuit happened, ever since they came back with three empty spaces, and even now in death.

“We will now hear a few words from his loved ones.”

They listened as people told memories of Changmin, the first time he ate an ice cream and got it all over him, the first time he entered school and aced his subjects, the first time he left his parents to pursue his dream. Some memories they were familiar with, some memories they weren’t.

It wasn’t when silence fell over them again did they look up, only to find everyone staring at them. They had been so lost in thought that they had missed their cue. It was his mother’s request for them to speak at his funeral. They wanted to reject the request but who could bring himself to reject a wish of a mother who had just lost her only son?

They stood and slowly made their way to the podium. They felt honored... and terrified. Neither of them were willing to come to terms with reality, to understand that they would never be seeing the younger again. Jaejoong’s hand crushed a piece of paper in his pocket. They had prepared a speech beforehand but reading it didn’t seem appropriate at all. It felt too fake. So they decided to speak from their heart.

They spoke of the early years with Changmin, the silent maknae of their team when they first debuted. They spoke of the first year in Japan, trying to master a language that wasn’t their own and Changmin’s funny attempts with oyaji gags. They spoke of the joys that the younger had bought them. But none of them mentioned the lawsuit. Neither did the audience dare to bring it up.

As Junsu stared out into the audience, he was reminded of the times when Changmin would mercilessly. So they continued speaking.

They spoke of the times when Changmin and Junsu were at constant war with each other. They spoke of the nights when Changmin would wake Yoochun up just for a midnight snack. They spoke of the afternoons when Changmin would bother Jaejoong endlessly for food.

But none of them spoke of the nights, after the lawsuit, staring out into the stars, dreaming of the past. None of them spoke of the loneliness they felt. And none of them spoke of the wishes and dreams that they once had of the future, standing together as five on stage in front of a beautiful red ocean. And now faded into ashes.

Their speech ended and they walked off the podium in the exact same way that they had gone up.

And throughout the entire funeral, there had been no sign of him.

~~~

Can you live with an empty place in your heart?

As it turned out, JYJ weren’t the only one worried over the whereabouts of their missing leader. So were Cassiopeia, who applied their FBI stalking skills but the results turned up blank.

So it came as a surprise when one stormy night, Yoochun opened their door to a thin, shivering, drenched Yunho standing outside.

~~~

The promises we’ve shared is everything to me

The first dinner together had been awkward, each party not knowing how to react to each other. Yunho stared at his plate. Yoochun played around with his food. Jaejoong escaped to the safety of his kitchen. Junsu took out his PSP and started gaming away.

(and Changmin steals some of Yoochun’s food, leans over Junsu’s shoulder to give a few comments of his gaming skills, gives the leader a shoulder massage before stalking away into the kitchen to demand more food from Jaejoong)

~~~

Your face is clear when I am full of sad memories and tears

A week passed and things were still just as awkward between them. The only words that Yunho had ever uttered were the basic greetings and Itadakimasu (some habits from Japan still stuck with them in Korea).

“Jaejoong ah. Could you fetch me my towel? I forgot to bring it in before I had to bath.”

“Sure, no problem.”

“Thanks.”

Conversations between them were simple sentences or at times, one words. But Jaejoong believed that the phase would soon pass.

~~~

All the dreams and hopes are made of your eyes

@bornfreeonekiss

This will end soon. It’s going to be alright.

@6002themicky: @bornfreeonekiss not this one hyung. Not this one

The fans simply assumed he meant Jiji, his beloved pet cat, which he had left at Kim Hyun Joon’s house.

~~~

But if we come together immediately we'll be used to becoming boys in short sleeves (again)

It’s been exactly ten months since Changmin had died and barely a month since Yunho had appeared on their doorstep on that rainy night. And a few hours ago since Kim Jaejoong had entered the bar.

He raised his wine glass up, watching as the smooth surface reflected the dim lights of  bar.

“Another glass please.” He said as he passed the glass to the bartender, ignoring the latter’s warning and worried gaze.

How much had he drank? He had lost count already. And besides, it wasn’t enough to numb the pain in his heart. Where were they to go from here? For all those years out there as JYJ, being cut off from broadcasting stations, being used by the very own company they hired, everything was done just for the reunion with their two brothers. And now...

“You should stop drinking, Jaejoong ah.” A voice drifted over and he looked up to see a tall figure standing in front of him.

“Go away Yunho. What are you doing here.” He slurred, shifting his body away from the younger.

“Making sure that you don’t get drunk. Come on now.” Yunho said as he supported Jaejoong’s weight, the elder almost collapsing to the floor the minute he stood up from the chair. He placed Jaejoong’s arms around his neck and manoeuvred his way to the exit. “The car is waiting outside.”

“Why do you even care? You are no longer our leader anymore.” Jaejoong snarled as he tried to push himself away from Yunho, missing the flash of pain in the younger’s eyes. “Let go of me. I don’t need you to help me.”

“What is wrong with you? No matter where you are, where I am, I will always be your leader. That was, and still is, my promise to you guys.” Yunho explained exasperatedly as he let Jaejoong go to avoid getting hit by him. By this time, they had already made their way into an alleyway not far from the bar.

“Yeah right. Some leader you are. You let Changmin die. How could you. You were supposed to protect him! But you didn’t! Now he’s dead all because you failed to be a good leader.” Jaejoong growled, glaring at Yunho.

Yunho stared at the other in shock. “I... I...” There was nothing he could say in his defense, other than for confirming Jaejoong’s words. Yes, it was my fault. I was useless and I couldn’t do anything. Yes, I failed you guys. Yes, I wasn’t and still am not a good leader.

“Why.” Jaejoong crumbled to the ground, shoulders shaking with tears. “Why did he have to die? Why didn’t the driver check the road properly first? Why? What are we to do now? All these years, we have been singing for both of you, to make you proud, to make Changmin proud. But now... what are we to do.”

Yunho knelt down beside his (ex) member and tilted Jaejoong’s head up to meet his, his own eyes b with tears.

“We are proud of you. All so very proud. And we can’t be prouder. Changmin loves you. So do I. I’m sorry that I couldn’t protect Changmin. I am so sorry. But you guys were great. You did a good job singing for us.”

“So now, sing for yourselves.”

~~~

The only person who embraced my tears and my scars in this world, it’s you alone

Jaejoong woke up to a pounding headache and an insistent ringing in his ears. He groaned and turned around on his stomach, expecting his face to hit cold hard ground as that was where he always seem to end up on after a night of drinking, only to find his face being met with a soft surface. He moaned and pushed himself up on his arms before deciding that it took too much energy and flopped back onto the fluffy wide pillows.

Fluffy wide pillows?

He rolled on his bed and wearily blinked his eyes open. It appeared that he was on his bed somehow. He pressed his hand on his head in an attempt to hold back the throbbing headache that was on it’s way, trying to recall memories of the previous night which was a blank in his mind. His head was killing him and he couldn’t remember anything at all. Risking a glance at the clock on the wall, he squinted his eyes as he tried to make out the numbers. ‘10am’ it read. No wonder the sun’s rays were causing his eyes to hurt so much.

He sat up on the bed and looked around, eyes drifting to the bedside table, a packet of pills and a cup of water catching his eyes with a note that was held down by the cup.

‘Take two pills every 6 hours. It’ll help you with your hangover. Get some rest. Junsu and Yoochun would be back by 4pm so you can bother them with whatever you want. Till then, if you need anything, just give me a call. I’ve entered my number into your phone. - Yunho’

Yunho... Something in his memory stirred at the mention of the name.

Jaejoong fell back onto this bed as the memories of yesterday night came rushing back to him. He winced inwardly as he remembered the words that he had fired at the leader. He couldn’t even believe that he said that. Just how much had he harmed Yunho’s heart?

Oh god. What the hell have I done?

~~~

Even when the day I stop breathing comes, I will wait for you

Silence and darkness greeted him as he entered the house, but given that it was almost 11pm, Yunho wasn’t surprised at all. He had been called by his manager to the company early in the morning to discuss the impending future of TVXQ as Yunho had no way of holding the name by himself and it wouldn’t seem appropriate just for the four of them to use the name (Yunho wanted to laugh at this. And it had been deemed appropriate only for the duo to use the name?, but he wasn’t in any position to say anything). He shuffled towards the kitchen, and switched on the lights, eyes squinting as the bright light pierced his vision. A plate of food which was covered by plastic wrap sat sitting on the table waiting for him, holding down a note.

‘Warm the dinner first before eating. Cold dinner isn’t good for your stomach. The kids are in bed with me. Waiting for you~’