we monsters distort too easily by exothermc
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/619700

Title          5/5
Appearance          5/5
Foreword         9/10
Flow           3/5
Characterization       13/25
Plot       15/25
Style         8/10
Grammar        7/10
Dialogue           5/5

Total      70/100

reviewed by Suliee

Title: I really like the title. But the way you've explained, the way it showed up in the story, it doesn’t come out to its fullest potential. In the beginning, I believed that Hongbin and them were the only monsters, no; they all are. The utopia itself (monsters) + 'distort' = dystopia. Love it.

Appearance: The layout is simple. No useless information but I would’ve loved to see a poster.

Foreword: I like the sentence but it’s really vague. Give the readers a sentence or two for more depth into the plot. Even a change in the wording can help.

"i'm sorry," is all that hakyeon chants, to wonshik, to taekwoon, to hongbin, to sanghyuk's and jaehwan's lost soul.

The descrpition is a scene from the end of the story. You have Hakyeon, the main characters and then the others. Who are they? From the sentence, we can't find out. The readers will assume they are themselves, normal people. But they're not. And for this story, I believe it's important to note in down in the description. So maybe, like this:

hakyeon is a failure as a spy and "i'm sorry," is all that he chants, to wonshik, to taekwoon, to hongbin, to sanghyuk's and jaehwan's lost soul.

Now we kind of have a better understanding about the plot.

Flow: The flow was at a good pace till the end. To me, it was all too sudden. The first half eases into the story, throws a few background story here and there. But in the second half, it feels rushed and introduces a lot of unknown characters (that should be important) and ends. The story should be longer to get at those characters and plot holes.

Characterization: Because there were so many characters, all or at least most were underdeveloped. I won't go through each character but I will say that for short stories, you shouldn't have that many characters. Each will have their own issue so in a short story, focus on one or two (at most). Hakyeon is the main character and the other VIXX members are important to him. Then we shouldn't have that much information about Baekhyun. And you shouldn't have even mentioned Luhan's name. They are names that shouldn't have been remembered, but I remembered them. Especially Baekhyun, to me, he was the most interesting. A good way of ignoring minor characters—even more if you don’t want them to stand out: don't name them. 

Plot: First of all, you can do so much more with this. The plot feels incomplete. You brought of lots of problems and never solved them. It ended like 'well that's how the world works, you can't change it'. I can't say more than this. You can write more about Baekhyun and Luhan since you introduced them but never did anything with him. You can write more about Hakyeon and his life in the dystopia. Write about the reasons why people watch torture for fun, the reason their survival came to a stop so quickly. There's so much other details that (I feel, at least) you're missing, which would make an amazing story. Other than that, it is an interesting premise that came from Voodoo Doll.

Style: A very different style. I’ve seen an interesting use of lapslock in another fanfiction, which was well written (?). You should check it out. In this story I noticed that grammar was not the focus, the beats were. By beats I mean the pausing, where you put those commas, dashes, etc. It made the mood tenser and creates a great tone.

The main issue I have with this style is the head hopping. I suggest sticking with one character. Hakyeon. I'm not saying you should change to first person but don't go revealing what other characters are thinking or what they had done in the past when the protagonist doesn't know. There are a lot of pros to this strategy. One, you don't confuse the reader. Two, a lot more space to leave foreshadow. Three, easier to trick the readers in thinking one thing then ends up being something else. Four, less information given all at once.

Grammar: There are awkward sentences. Sometimes you use the wrong word. And sometimes I think it's the lapslock confusing me.

“Blood, blood, so many blood,” should be “Blood, blood, so much blood." (the one that popped out to me)

Dialogue: I enjoyed reading the dialogue. A bit weird but yeah...

Reviewer's Comments: Sorry, this took longer than it should have. This story doesn’t have enough meat so it's vague. However, this could be a good beginning to a chapter of a chaptered story. There’s a lot of potential. It’d be nice you made it longer.