This day seems like any other day of our practice days except that the one I’m playing around with is Amber.

She’s stretching in front of me while I am sitting on the floor because my ankle hurts.

“Does your leg hurt?”

“Huh?”

“Your leg.”

“No. My ankle.”

“Oh.. your ankle.”

“I’m Krystal. I’m a princess.” She said trying to imitate my voice. I just nod at her. She’s trying to cheer up my mood.

“Not that I don’t like it.”

“Yeah. You Princess.” We were just playing around when she come over near us.

“Soojung-ah can we talk?”

“Hey Amber want to grab some snack? I’m kinda hungry.” I said to Amber while I am standing from my seat. I tried to ignore her voice.

“Uhm.. Princess I don’t think Vic will allow us to grab a snack. We just started yet.”

“Soojung-ah, can we talk? Please?” She pleads.

“Just.. Accompany me to bathroom.” I asked Amber trying to avoid her.

“Princess.” Amber look at me as if she is silently scolding me. “No. and now that I remember, Vic wants to talk to Luna and I. I’ll leave you both now. Stop being so stub born.”

“I am giving you this last chance to make this right.” I heard Amber whisper to her but enough for me to hear.

“okay. Thanks Hyung.” Amber nodded and leaves to Vic-unnie and Luna-unnie.

When Amber leaves I just turn my attention to my phone. I need to distract myself. Just hearing her voice and her presence is making me so vulnerable.

“Soojung-ah.” She sigh. “Please. Don’t ignore me and please talk to me.” this won’t do. She’ll never stop bothering me and it seems like unnies won’t let me escape to talk to this person.

“What do you want?” I asked avoiding to look in her eyes but it’s like she have a magnet and luring me to look at her.

“Us.” She answered me with all sincerity as I look in her eyes. That smiling eyes, why does it looks so sad, so vulnerable, and so broken? Am I seeing my reflection in her eyes or is it just her eyes alone because she feels what I am feeling right now too?”

“What us are you talking about?” I asked her in a cold manner. I need this to protect me, to protect myself from this person who takes everything from me. “There is no ‘us’ Jinri.” I continue making clear that there is no us, anymore.

“Cmon Jjung, I really miss you and..” She looked down first before continuing what she is saying.. “I am missing my bestfriend.”

“BESTFRIEND?!” I asked in a higher tone. She startled by my outburst and look away because she’s trying to get rid to what is escaping in her eyes. “You called someone your best friend while you were flirting with them? Faking of what you feel? Keeping secrets? You called yourself my best friend when you hurt me? Really Choi Jinri?” and my own tears are betraying me now as they show up when I heard that fucking word.

“I’m so-sorry.” She said clearing up her voice when she’s saying this. “But Jjung believe me when I told you that I love you. I never stop loving you even though you leave me. I didn’t mean to lie to you and believe me, what I show you are my real feelings.”

“So that’s why there is a video of you and Minho kissing? You ditched me that evening just to meet that guy. Just stop Jinri. Please. And don’t you forget that I didn’t saw what you and that guy from CNBlue those flirty act in Running Man. ”

“I-That video..” she seem shocked by what I’ve just said. “That.. he’s forcing me to kiss him. I didn’t know that.. that’s being filmed. And  you’re accusing me of flirting with another person while you yourself were also flirting with Amber-unnie before this talk.”

“So what now? You came here because you saw us talking and playing around? you’re jealous because I am playing with others now huh? And for whoever’s sakes—AMBER? Cmon. You’re being to irrational when you involved Amber here because she’s just my sister and you know that. She’s also your sister.”

THUD~~

She pinned me in the wall and all her eyes.. her eyes are hurting me more than the pain I felt when she pushed and pinned just now. Her eyes are full of sorrow.

“Yes, I am jealous. Yes, I flirted. Yes, Minho and I kiss. But I am jealous because she is making you laugh when it was supposed to be me. I am jealous because you stop smiling at me anymore. You smile to everyone else but me. I am not only jealous at Amber-unnie, I am jealous to everyone who you are giving your smile. Because that smile supposed to be mine. I fake my feelings? Soojung, if this feeling is fake.. then why?” she released when from the pin and kneel down.. “tell me why I am feeling so miserable when I lost that smile? So broken when I lost the one that I love? And so alone when you, Soojungie, left my life? Tell me why because I can’t understand this anymore.”

I froze at my spot. You kneeling in front of me, crying and begging? This is new. I can’t understand what am I feeling but I let hurt overcome my feelings. I lower down just to level with her and wipe the tears that flowing in her lovely face.

“Sssshhh. Hush baby. Stop crying.” Ironically I am telling her to stop crying while I am crying too. I embrace her while I am preparing to say what I want to say and while I waited for her to calm down. When I felt that she already calm down, I broke off the hug – I miss the contact already – and look straight into her eyes.

“Jinri-ah. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I know this may not be the solution that we want to but Jinri, we should let go of each other for now. You miss me as your best friend? I can’t be your best friend if we are hurting each other. You miss my smile? I miss yours, too. You’re jealous? I am also. I am jealous to each and every person who can hold you as if they own you. But now, I don’t think I can be selfless and fair to you. I want to fix my own heart that you took and broke. I want to be a rational person who can be fair to you. I want to be your best friend again. I want to hold you as if you’ll leave. I want to laugh and have fun again with you, but for now, now that I am so broken and so are you.. we can’t be who we want us to be to each other. I can’t be your Jjung now if you’re not my Ssul. We need to fix ourselves.. I’m sorry Jinri-ah. But for now, let’s just treat each other as a member. I can’t give you anything more than that.” She’s crying now and I can’t endure this pain anymore. I hug her one last time and kiss her forehead.

“I’ll miss you Jinri-ah, hope you’ll be my Ssul again when I’ve become Jjung again. Goodbye.”